The sabotaging partner

AprilMae1975

The point was I am on a 30 day challenge to not eat out. He knew this and it caused a big fight Saturday bc he thought I should just make exception for him. He did not understand that I made this commitment and wanted to stick with it. At the same time I did not want to make him feel less important than a challenge. So I caved. How do I get him to not guilt me about things? That was my point! I know I am an adult and make my own choice but it is hard when someone is making you feel bad about what you are trying to accomplish. It is not like I am blaming him for the food I ate but I am blaming him for the guilt! He should have more compassion towards my goals. Just because I am trying to eat better doesn't mean he is less to me. How can I get him to realize my goals are important?

Speak up!!!!! We can only control how we respond to others. I know he is your husband but it's about respect. Stick to your guns. If you have to stay home while he goes out to eat then so be it!!! Or eat before you guys go and then just order some iced tea. He will get the point and if he doesn't then there are some deeper issues in your marriage....sorry to say.

spatulathumbs

The issue here is not one of food or discipline, it's about respect.

Either he respects you enough to assist you in your diet choices, or he doesn't. And while you are ultimately the only person responsible for what goes into your body, a man who bullies you, mocks you, guilts you, or throws stones in your path is not someone who I'd want to stay around.

Discipline isn't the issue. It's decision-making—making the choice, in the moment, every moment, to either put it in your face or not.

bcf7683

....... pressures me into eating with him.

Listen to how silly that sounds. What's the difference if you go to a Chinese buffet or another restaurant that has healthier options? You're still out spending time together and you're still filling your stomach.

Next time he tries to guilt you, say "Yeah, we don't get to to this often. But how about we go to __________ instead so that I can stick with healthier eating?" <

---

That's less likely to get a guilt trip because you're recognizing his wants and compromising to meet yours also.

Places you can go that have healthier options include Subway, Applebees, Outback, Perkins, Dennys.... They all have healthier options while at the same time if the hubby wants unhealthy stuff on his own he can still get it.

osothefinn

And thank you very much to the posters that understand where I am coming from. It is more than just him bringing it in front of me. It is the guilt trio I get for not eating it. The statements that we are "growing apart" if I try to not eat if I am full. I know he does not mean to but it is a switch. Once I have one chip I want the bag. It is like an addict they can;t just have one. You have to have an understanding of addiction to know where I am coming from!

The fact that this information had to be prompted out of you after some people doubted your original statements as sabotage kind of fails to pass the stink test. In any case, you are responsible for what you put in your mouth. Period. Full stop.

Mr_Knight

So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.

If you truly have an addiction, and truly can't control your own choices, then you need to do him a favour and leave the relationship.

ladymiseryali

The point was I am on a 30 day challenge to not eat out. He knew this and it caused a big fight Saturday bc he thought I should just make exception for him. He did not understand that I made this commitment and wanted to stick with it. At the same time I did not want to make him feel less important than a challenge. So I caved. How do I get him to not guilt me about things? That was my point! I know I am an adult and make my own choice but it is hard when someone is making you feel bad about what you are trying to accomplish. It is not like I am blaming him for the food I ate but I am blaming him for the guilt! He should have more compassion towards my goals. Just because I am trying to eat better doesn't mean he is less to me. How can I get him to realize my goals are important?

Tell your husband to grow the hell up. He's acting rather childish by trying to guilt you into eating something that you would rather not eat. He's being manipulative and that's just not cool. You need to put your foot down and tell him that you're making a lifestyle change and he should be supporting you. Also explain to him that it doesn't mean he has to change how he eats.

kgeyser

The point was I am on a 30 day challenge to not eat out. He knew this and it caused a big fight Saturday bc he thought I should just make exception for him. He did not understand that I made this commitment and wanted to stick with it. At the same time I did not want to make him feel less important than a challenge. So I caved. How do I get him to not guilt me about things? That was my point! I know I am an adult and make my own choice but it is hard when someone is making you feel bad about what you are trying to accomplish. It is not like I am blaming him for the food I ate but I am blaming him for the guilt! He should have more compassion towards my goals. Just because I am trying to eat better doesn't mean he is less to me. How can I get him to realize my goals are important?

He's not responsible for your goals, and he isn't trying to keep you from them. You were in a situation you were trying to avoid and didn't plan ahead for, and you messed up. And the sun still rose this morning and the world still turns. You can't change it, so stop complaining about it and trying to blame it on him. What you can do is talk to him about it and plan activities for the two of you that allow you to connect but don't focus around a meal. And you need to take some time and figure out how you are going to handle yourself in the inevitable situations of being faced with eating out, holiday parties, and other activities involving food. Life doesn't stop just because you're on a diet and expecting everyone else to alter their behavior to keep you on track is ludicrous. You're not always going to be able to plan the meal and measure everything out, and frankly, some things in life are more important than sticking to your diet. Have a good time, let the guilt go, and get back to it the next day.

Holly_Roman_Empire

The point was I am on a 30 day challenge to not eat out. He knew this and it caused a big fight Saturday bc he thought I should just make exception for him. He did not understand that I made this commitment and wanted to stick with it. At the same time I did not want to make him feel less important than a challenge. So I caved. How do I get him to not guilt me about things? That was my point! I know I am an adult and make my own choice but it is hard when someone is making you feel bad about what you are trying to accomplish. It is not like I am blaming him for the food I ate but I am blaming him for the guilt! He should have more compassion towards my goals. Just because I am trying to eat better doesn't mean he is less to me. How can I get him to realize my goals are important?

Another reason why "challenges" are a bad idea. They don't fit into a real lifestyle.

ldrosophila

So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.

If you truly have an addiction, and truly can't control your own choices, then you need to do him a favour and leave the relationship.

I wouldnt say leave, but if he truly is an enabler and she cant break from the vicious addictive cycle then counseling or at least an OA support group would be very beneficial.

It can help heal the destructive patterns of relationships or open one's eyes to behavior that continues to "feed" the addiction.

sgupstate

One thing for the movies is you could make your own popcorn air-popped and healthy if you have a big purse. Then you wouldn't eat the bad movie popcorn or have the leftovers the next day.
When I am eating well for a while and get a big craving I decide on ONE treat. I think about it for a little while first to make sure I am picking the one I want most. I get that one treat and eat it slowly and then I am usually fine with not having other snacks that day. If I get another craving the same day I just think about how many calories there are in the treat and how I already had one and that is enough to make me choose something healthy.

sgupstate

Another idea about the now eating out and how that makes him sad:

You can say, ok we eat out like twice a month (*or something) but he has to choose from a list of places YOU provide.
You can research restaurants beforehand and pick 5 or so that have at least one very healthy dish that you know is ok for you to eat. Then he gets to have fun with you going out and gets to have some input on the restaurant while you have a guarantee of a healthy meal.

JoRocka

This isn't about weight loss. This is a relationship problem.

boom.

right here.

My BF was trying to be "helpful" he kept bringing me stuff when I told him I was doing no processed sugar for a month. He knows I love peeps- So he bought me peeps. Sometimes he doesn't think- and this wasn't the first time- so when the peeps came- I said- seriously? why? put them in the cabnit and please stop buying me stuff.

Now it's not an issue. Anytime I make an adjustment or want to challenge my self discipline/will power with a more rigourous diet for a month- he finds a way to work it for me. If I did a "no eating out" diet- I would suggest to him- let's go get you take out- and we can eat at home.

Most big franchise places do carry out. Have him order- while he is ordering- you cook your own thing.

If he continues to guilt you- you need to address that. Like why are you trying to pressure me into make a decision- what about me choosing to do X is causing you grief? why do you feel this way?

I'm trying to make my life better and you are guilt tripping me about it? what gives.

You NEED to hash that out. They don't have to agree with what you are doing- they don't' have to do it- but they need to at least STAND BACK and let you do your thing OR SUPPORT YOU.

Those are the options- get the hell out of the way- or help you. If they aren't- there are much larger issues at hand.

JoRocka

Another reason why "challenges" are a bad idea. They don't fit into a real lifestyle.

horse puckey- they are great for training your self discipline- and can be very influential in developing positive habits.

stealthq

Another reason why "challenges" are a bad idea. They don't fit into a real lifestyle.

horse puckey- they are great for training your self discipline- and can be very influential in developing positive habits.

They can also be a great way to through your goals out the window if you commit to one and you're not really ready to follow through. Sometimes slow changes are better and more sustainable. But which method to choose is really up to the OP.

My question is - when you went on this "no eating out" challenge, did you make an effort to make sure it wasn't a problem for your husband? Getting take out for him like JoRocka mentioned, or cooking him meals that he likes (not your 'healthy meals') at home? If not, and going out is an enjoyable and fun time him, for I can understand his frustration. But, yes, the 'growing apart' comment was over the top.

prettyface55

I am not going to attack u! But I will tell u that along the line u will mess up but you learn and move on and become stronger!
Dust your self off and get back on track Hun!!its ok :flowerforyou:

qtgonewild

These last two weeks, I have been reuniting with my EX. oh boy do we love to eat together. And we still went out to eat ALOT. She always blames me for her feeling bloated or what not. lol. she can afford it. i ate alot of things i havent ate for the last 4 months however i made it fit. i worked my butt out in the gym every morning prior to going to see her. She would also try to get me to eat things. but its not because she is trying to sabotage me its because she loves me and if it tastes good in her mouth she wants me to enjoy it. I do the same thing to her. You just gotta say NO. I am proud of staying strong every time she tried to have me "just take a sip of her soda" or "just take a bite of whatever she was eating". its all good. just say no.

p4ulmiller

We all make our own choices in life. I still don't see how this is the partner's fault. Sorry, OP, but you need to decide what you really want.

kekeleeks

I have gone through this and continue to go through this. My partner and I are at different stages in this journey. So I have learned to work around these things. (1) I anticipate when we will go out to eat and plan for it within my calories. That means I have to either burn more calories or really pay attention to what I eat (2) If I get to choose the place, I will choose a place that has healthy options for myself and stick to eating whatever healthy item I have chosen (this can be hard). (3) I have often found that with some places, you could easily spilt an entree between two people. Sometimes my partner balks at the idea of sharing because there is fear that there will not be enough to get full. But usually after we eat he is satisfied with the decision. For example, a few weeks ago we went to a local burger joint. I suggested we share the burger and suggested that he ordered a side salad if he felt that he was not going to be full. We both won in that situation. (4) Sometimes I will give stipulations about eating out. Like if we go to baskin robbins for ice cream, we should walk there; or if you want us to go to xyz restaurant for lunch-- we should eat something healthy for dinner etc. (5) Just saying no. This has been a hard one but at some point you have to learn to do it. You can say "no, I don't want to eat that tonight. I would rather have xyz".

These are the methods that I have employed to assist me with my partner and not being side-tracked by their journey. Good luck!

TheGymGypsy

Try guilt tripping him back and telling him he is smothering your dreams and not being supportive?

Mr_Knight

I can only imagine what the other side of this story sounds like.