binge eating, depression, and self hate

NickHall1988

Hey guys,

I needed to post cause honestly...I just need someone to talk to, it's just one of those days.


Over the past year I managed to drop 60 pounds, it was easy enough. Eating less and moving more. No problem at all. It was when I switched to maintenance that things really and truly got scary for me. I started binge eating. It came on slow. One day everything was fine, then I stuffed myself till I wanted to die and was going "What in the hell just happened? No big deal...moving on." For the first month....it happened once or twice. Then it started happening once a week, so I went to the doctor.

Well...thyroid looks good, liver enzymes are elevated, and you have a swollen kidney. But nothing in there that would cause this. So...it's probably emotional, we're gonna put you on Wellbutrin.

Seems fine, thought I don't feel depressed. Been on the drugs 2 weeks now. Appetite has increased atleast 4 fold. Constantly hungry, binging atleast twice a week. And when I say I am hungry, I mean I am actually hungry. "Would you eat an apple, or will only junkfood do." No....I'll definitely eat the apple, do you have one? Give it to me.

Contacting an ED expert tomorrow, because for the first and only time in my entire life I really and truly hate myself on a day to day basis. I'm not proud, I'm ashamed. Disgusted and ashamed. I'm completely out of control, and I have lost total control over the one thing that I thought was mine, my body.

I don't know what to do, day in and day out I am obsessed with food and calories. It's all I think about, from the time I wake up, till the time I go to sleep. I used to exercise because I liked it...now I just do it in the hope that I can eat.

I'm normally pretty tough, I'm normally the strong one. But this time, though it's hard for me to admit...I'm scared.


I'm terrified
Worst yet, I think I might just be alone in this
Tomorrows a new day
I'll do better tomorrow
Unless I don't

Sorry for the rant everyone, I just...needed to get that out. Thanks.

lilred806

I don't have advice. I just wanted to say I think seeing professionals is a good choice. I hope you get it all figured out and begin liking yourself again.

lilbearzmom

I suppose I'm wondering if you logged your food while in the losing phase. Your issue seems to be one about control. Could you go back to logging but eat at maintenance level to give you that sense of control back? I think it's a great idea to seek some professional help.

I have decided logging food in my diary will be lifelong for me, even in maintenance, since I also have control issues.

Feel free to send me a FR if you like!

NickHall1988

Thanks, I don't think there is much advice to give. I just need to...let it out you know?

NickHall1988

I logged while loosing, and still log now. Log every day.

vvvalentines

A good friend of mine was on Wellbutrin for quite a while (she's currently talking to her doctors about stopping, for her own reasons) and had some of the same issues with food. I have also suffered from weight gain related to depression and poor impulse control, so I have a little bit of advice that helped me.

I would prepare several small, healthy snacks to have on hand around the house. That way, as soon as you get a food craving that you know is related to hunger rather than appetite (as in, your body wants food, not your mind,) you get one of those snacks and try to take your time eating it. It's not magical advice but it helped me in not gaining too much weight when I was just starting to get treated for my depression.

Your psychiatrist and other doctors will probably have some more specific, better advice for you. They should know the side effects of antidepressants well, and it won't be anything they haven't heard before. The best advice I can give about talking to psychiatrists and other doctors is to never let shame get in the way of your being honest and candid with them, and sharing all your concerns.

DragonSpark

Hey! Seeking professional help is the best step. It's really important to know the right questions to ask too. Something you might want to ask about, if you haven't already, is about a vitamin deficiency. I'm just bringing this up because it's a problem I have and being on a vitamin regimen helps me a lot. It's not a quick fix and I still have to make the choice to control what I eat (I have a problem with emotional binging), but it seriously helps. I hope you find the answers you're looking for and I wish you the best!

NickHall1988

valentinesdre, I think the wellbutrin might have something to do with it. I have tried the healthy snack thing but I have found that the binges are really fueled by a particular food any food does it really.

For example...if I eat a bowl of oatmeal, I want 4 more. If I eat an apple, I want the bag, if I eat a donut I want a dozen (Who doesn't) Basically I just want food...all day every day.

Dragonspark, this is also part of what I think the problem is. Right now I'm working with my dietician to adjust my diet because it is INCREDIBLY low fat...and has been very low fat for a year now. Which was stupid, and my fault but apparently it causes some serious hormone problems when your fat is really low and when I say really low...I mean less then 20grams a day for a whole year.

I think what depresses me most about all this is the simple fact that when I was loosing weight, and overweight to begin with I had none of these problems. My starting weight was 235 at 5'8". I didn't have a poor body image, I wasn't depressed, tired, or unmotivated. I definitely didn't hate myself and I never binged. I actually had the ability to listen to my body. I ate only when hungry and stopped when I wasn't, it was my food choices that made me overweight, not my eating habits so to speak. I wouldn't have been overweight if I would have liked salad half as much as I liked cheeseburgers lol

NickHall1988

I just wanted to thank everyone for their words of encouragement.

Last night was another binge. It was probably the worst I've ever had and the morning is proving to be even worse then the night. I feel like hell on earth both physically and mentally.

First I can't sleep, running on about 1.5 hours of sleep, thought I'm going to try to rectify that after this post.
Secondly, my entire body hurts...my entire body hurt during the binge but its even worse now. I wrote that down and will put it everywhere so that I remember this.
Third, can't look at myself in the mirror, utterly disgusted and shamed. I think that might be the worst part of it all. I'm used to being proud of myself and those around me being proud. Shame isn't something I am entirely used to feeling. It does little but worsen my depression. My doctor put me on drugs thinking the BED was a side effect of my depression. Though I keep trying to tell her that I am depressed because of the binging and the weight gain. Not the other way around. Hell without this I'd be perfectly happy. I go to see her tomorrow for a follow up appointment. If I can't make er listen I'll be switch GP. I need someone to listen to me. Stop treating the symptoms and treat the disease.

Going to try to get some more sleep, then I'm going to get up, dust myself off, and go to the gym.

Feeling: Demoralized. Bent, bloodied, but not quite broken.

CharleePear

I just want to say you are not alone. For me I have been pretty unable to eat normally since I was a teen, I would binge but not be able to purge so I hated myself more. I am not trying to compare, I am just saying I understand. Try telling yourself good things about you. Even if you can't think of any make something up or say things to yourself you have heard others say, good things. It feels like it doesn't do anything but if you try doing it daily it sorta helps. I am glad you are getting professional help. If you need any moral support just message me. Though we will be on totally different timezones probably cos I live in NZ and its almost 2am, but I will help you when I can. Praying for you.