Binge eating disorder is a thing.

tohzoku

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, and I have for a very long time. It got a lot worse when I was living in a particular place for a couple years, where going without things like food was very much a reality. I reinforced hoarding habits, and gained a massive amount of weight. I'm down quite considerably now, but not as much as I have been since that time. My weight bounces around a twenty pound differential, and it has done so over the past couple of years.

I'm being treated for depression via pills, and have been for a while. They don't affect my weight really (appetite suppression is actually a common side effect of my current prescription.) I know I have a lot of other issues that need to be worked out. I'm recently married, and I have so many good things to look forward to; but somehow I still find myself in these bouts of "going through the motions", where I don't take care of myself or anything around me, and am often barely conscious of what I'm even doing, or what day it is. I can only think of myself as weak or broken in some way; to be as obsessed and consumed with ideas of food and how much I dislike my body as I am, it makes no sense that I can't find my true motivation.

I've gotten on the horse and fallen off so many times. I'll be honest at this go-round - I don't know if I'll make it this time, either. I still don't even know what I really should be doing. It's really sick to spend as many hours as I do researching and trying to discover the best methods for me to lose my horrid fat, while being able to produce no results.

I don't really have any friends in real life right now and live in one of the most obese areas in the country. I don't expect too much from this forum, but I'm giving it a shot.

Fun fact: The most weight I ever lost in the shortest period of time was when I was severely depressed at about 16 years old. A bunch of issues were happening, and I took to playing World of Warcraft nonstop for, sometimes, a few days straight. I rarely slept anywhere other than my desk, and I drank a lot of water and ate only a protein bar every other day (if my mother forced me to.) I spent two months this way, but I was getting sick because of lack of nutrients. Sometimes I wish I could harness that lifelessness again.