f'ing inlaws

rml_16

I understand that you were hurt and sad for your child, but seriously?

No. Don't do that.

And while I know this is hard to hear, if your child is a senior, he was probably 9 or 10 when your husband adopted him. Legally, those people are his family. But it sounds like emotionally, they don't see him that way. You can't force people to love each other. Stop trying.

firstsip

I can be passive-agressive too, so you should have saved it for the next time (which didn't take long) they asked something of you. As in, when they ask for help with the sick relative or cleaning; with a smile, agree to do it and then cancel at the last minute. Payback's a *****.

Lovely.

JingleMuffin

whew - in laws I tell ya.

to be totally honest it looks like you're flying off the handle a bit here in the text messages back and forth.

next move? apologize - that's always a good start. maybe talking real words and not over a text.
I try to be polite to my in laws mostly because I love my husband and I have to deal with his family until they finally die.

WhiteGirlWasted13

I know how important that band concert was to your son...my son is a sophomore in high school and is in band also.

The only thing I would add (and only because I've seen it said many times in an advice column I read) is that when there are issues with in-laws, it might be best to have your husband talk to them about the issue. Or, if there was an issue between him and your parents, you would approach your parents on behalf of your husband. The reasoning is that the in-laws will probably respond better to their child than to their child-in-law.

Anyway, I completely understand the "mama bear" thing - no matter how old they are, they are our babies!
Good luck!

Poor husband, this sounds like a good idea, if he's willing to do it. Otherwise, I will endure the ickiness and apologize/back down. Esp. now that his aunt is so sick and they will need (more) help. ::sigh::

delicious_cocktail

Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...

because I tend to be passive aggressive like that :grumble:

I know better. And I don't know that I'm really surprised that things went down like they did. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for my role. I know I could have handled it better. I should have handled it better.

Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?

^^ This is INCREDIBLY emotionally mature of you. Excellent circumspection.

The next move should be to apologize. On the phone or in person. Tell them exactly what you wrote there. Explain why you allowed yourself to lose control. Open your heart.

LoraF83

The moment you respond to someone in kind, I don't see how you can feel affronted. It's probably very bothersome that in-laws don't come to things that your own family does.

But with passive-aggressive digs, comments thrown in the heat of a moment rather than taking time to calm down and look at a situation, and exchanges all done through texting and/or FB, I can't really see how you're also not feeding a problem here.

This.

So much of this.

WendyTerry420

Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.

If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.

Even with short notice, they would have had time to make at least part of the concert after dinner..they had an hour and a half before it started..I think it's more this was the straw that broke the camel's back...so I agree with the above poster that a phone call would have been better and you probably should have said it seems like this is how it always is when it comes to my child.

I feel for you though, and you are not wrong for being upset...just in the way you handled it. :-)

I can definitely sympathize...though my MIL is awesome so I can't really empathize...Best of Luck

Yeah I think dinner was their excuse to not show up at all. Eff them

WhiteGirlWasted13

Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...

because I tend to be passive aggressive like that :grumble:

I know better. And I don't know that I'm really surprised that things went down like they did. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for my role. I know I could have handled it better. I should have handled it better.

Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?

^^ This is INCREDIBLY emotionally mature of you. Excellent circumspection.

The next move should be to apologize. On the phone or in person. Tell them exactly what you wrote there. Explain why you allowed yourself to lose control. Open your heart.

I'm no ordinary OP.

dumb_blondes_rock

This is why I don't have facebook. You should have collected your words in a calm manner, then talked her her either via phone or face to face. Its really really hard to say anything nice in the heat of the moment, but if you take a step back next time and just collect yourself, you will be able to communicate your feelings better without looking like a beezy ( even though its probably well deserved).And, just dont expect anything from them except for the pattern they have shown, because It's most likely all you are ever going to get

salladeve

There has been so much of this kind of thing that has gone on in my family with my parents and my brother & sil, and I have always felt like I was in the middle because I can see both sides of it.

So I have to ask, why do you think that they feel this way? Have you ever looked at it from their perspective? Usually when there is bad/hurt feelings both parties have contributed to it. I'm not saying that you don't have every right to feel hurt for your son, but what did taking your anger out like you did accomplish? If I'm reading your post correctly it just made you feel worse.

It is never too late to clear the air between you and your mil, (I would not even bring the bil into it right now). There will be many more occasions in your child's life that you will want to invite family to, now is the time to have a sit down with MIL and see if you can repair the relationship.

eta - for clarity

MinnieInMaine

I get where you're coming from but as you've now realized, the response/reaction could've been...well, better.

As far as next steps, admit that you didn't handle it well and invite them over for dinner or coffee or something and communicate why you feel/felt the way you do and that you hope they understand and you can all move past it without any hurt feelings, etc. Nothing like a good heart to heart to clear things up.

horndave

as long as your son knew of the invitation, you made the effort to include. However, keep your priorities about family and doing the right thing. Posting it on FB = not good IMHO. However, the confrontation needed to happen.

SCV34

Oh man did this story about the in laws hit me, because my now ex MIL played a big part in the break up of my marriage. That being said, we all should stop communicating through texting and start having real conversations. So much can be taken out of context when reading a text. One more thing, hard lesson for me to learn was that we are responsible for our own actions. Think before we speak or text, next time maybe simmer down a bit before things get out of hand. You had every right to be angry and frustrated, but not sure if the way it was handled was the best.

WhiteGirlWasted13

Well, thanks everybody for helping me think through this. I'm going to wait until husband gets home before I do/say anything further to MIL or BIL. It will be difficult but I will persevere.

Then I will ask him if he's willing to speak on my behalf. I think it's sort of a lost cause, because as I said, we've been married 7 yrs and this is the first time I've been vocal (to them) about their behavior. And, honestly, rocking this boat felt very much like a betrayal toward my husband. I chose to marry into his family and I will try to remember this painful and embarrassing lesson when things like this happen in the future. But I won't invite them to things last minute. Then, they will not be able to use that excuse for not attending. Maybe I should tell them his graduation date now, so they have six months to plan? haha

firstsip

Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...

because I tend to be passive aggressive like that :grumble:

I know better. And I don't know that I'm really surprised that things went down like they did. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for my role. I know I could have handled it better. I should have handled it better.

Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?

^^ This is INCREDIBLY emotionally mature of you. Excellent circumspection.

The next move should be to apologize. On the phone or in person. Tell them exactly what you wrote there. Explain why you allowed yourself to lose control. Open your heart.

I'm no ordinary OP.

You do have a pretty cool username...

I second derelict_mocktail's comment. An apology would be in order, either through phone or in person. In the context of, "I'm sorry I lost my cool, I was very upset that you guys weren't able to make it," make sure you use I-statements ALWAYS to express how you're feeling from their actions. Saying, "You guys never do things!" will make someone defensive. Saying, "I feel upset when I don't get to see you at family functions/functions for my son," will stop them from feeling defensive, and allow them to become introspective as well. Good luck--in-law interactions can be some of the most awkward.

BeachIron

You can't change other people and there's no sense in trying. You can control your own reactions and how much time you spend with them.

So_Much_Fab

I'm no ordinary OP.

No, you're not! Ordinary OPs usually argue against ALL advice given! :laugh:

Good luck!

dbmata

Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?

Nothing.

just_Jennie1

Here's a question:

Have you or your husband actually gone to them and told them how you feel/view the situation with your son? Perhaps they don't even realize they are treating him differently.

And on the flip side maybe they truly are busy and don't have the time to go to his concerts etc. Do you always know in advance when it's going to be and let them know a head of time or is it a "Oh, Jr. has a concert coming up some time in the next few weeks. Can you make it?" Or even last minute like it was this time. And for what it's worth I was in band when I was in elementary and middle school and the only people that went to see me was my parents. I never expected my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. to come see me play.

I get a lot of flack from my sister because my husband and I are busy and they are notorious for planning things when we're not going to be around OR telling us the night before that they have some family thing going on and we can't make it. Since it's caused so much butthurt with her (the most recent had to do with my mom's birthday earlier this year, a vague invitation the month before then the actual invite the NIGHT before when we had already made solid plans and for the record the gathering wasn't even ON her birthday) if I know that there's an event coming up that she's going to want to have people over for I make sure that I lay out our entire agenda, when we're going to be around, what we have going on etc. etc. so that if she does plan something when we're not home she can't give us crap about it.

WhiteGirlWasted13

No, you're not! Ordinary OPs usually argue against ALL advice given! :laugh:

Good luck!

But, but, something, something, *special snowflake*, etc etc etc.