My daily Internal dialogue - need some tough love

Link2Life

I've been on again - off again with my committment to losing weight. It's tiring and infuriating, yet I can't seem to stop the cycle. I've never met my goal weight - something always derails me.

Today I decided to write down my typical daily internal dialogue. I have no idea if this will help or not, but it's something. Perhaps a start. A little "reality" inserted into my daily dialogue.

5:45 am:
Oh I am soooo tired. Why do I stay up so late at night. Tonight, I’m going to be early.

6:00 am weigh in.
Oh jesus..that’s bad.

15 minute shower:
Wow, that was bad. Today I’ll be good. I know I can do this. I need to do this. I’m going to plan my meals, stop eating out, exercise. I should pack my tennis shoes today. I think I’ll make yogurt for breakfast. I will pack a sandwich. After work I’ll stop at snap. I want to be thin so my horse’s back stays healthy. I have to do this. Okay I got it.

Getting dressed:
Jes, Deb, you have literally two pairs of pants that fit. Bras are tight. Shirts are tight.

Chaos of kids/breakfast/getting ready/etc:
I’ll just have a bowl of cereal, no time to make breakfast.

Drive to work:
Dammit I forgot to make my lunch. I’m still hungry. I need caffeine. (hears Mcdonald’s commercial). I’ll stop for an Egg McMuffin and I won’t eat at lunch.

McDonads drive-thru:
Egg McMuffin and a small oJ please. I wish I liked their coffee…

At work:
MMmm this mcmuffin is good. I need coffee.

Walk to cafeteria to get coffee:
Deb, you’re an idiot. Why did you eat that McMuffin? So many calories. I need to stop eating junk. Seriously. Like today.

Cafeteria:
I better add some French vanilla cappuccino to this coffee becase I’m out of fat free creamer.

11:00:
I’m hungry. I wonder what’s for lunch at the cafeteria. MMmmm it’s (something not that great but still sounds good).

Cafeteria:
Dammit they have cookies again. Just one won’t hurt. Salad bar looks good but wow, that's $5.00 for lettuce!

Cashier:
That'll be $5.50 for the lasagna and the cookie, please.

2:00:
I should get up and walk but I left my shoes in my car. No big deal, I’ll stop at Snap and walk 15 minutes longer than I planned. You’re going to rock it at Snap. Remember how you felt this morning? You need to do better. You are such a loser because you can’t say no to Mcdonalds..or cookies at the cafeteria. Seriously, are you that weak? No..you are not. You are going to lose this weight. You are going to look great and feel great and reach those goals!

Car ride home:
I’m tired. I don’t feel like stopping at Snap. I wonder what I should make for supper? Hmmm…can’t make that – meat is not thawed out. Hmm..can’t make that, don’t have that ingredient.

Call to dominoes:
I’ll take 2 pizzas, please.

Home:
Kids are happy I got pizzas. I’m the best mom ever. I better throw some feed to the horses.

Thoughts while feeding horses:
Wow, pizza again, deb? Really? You’re a terrible mother. Go in the house and get a meal plan!

Back in the house: I should check my emails.
I wonder what’s for sale on Local stuff for Sale Facebook page. Hey, look, Susie got a kitty! Sally made cookies! Amy is mad at John, better go see who this john is. I wonder if he has a criminal record. I’ll go look. Wow…that’s interesting. Let’s research that. Look, a new post to the Local stuff for sale facebook page….

2 hours later:
Dammit I should get off this stupid computer it’s such a time sucker. Just one more thing to check….

1 hour later:
It’s 9:30, too late for me to walk on the treadmill. Time for bed. I should check my phone for messages.
1 ½ hours later: It’s 11:00, I should get some sleep.

FYI..right now.it's 10:00am on a Monday. I'm at work. My internal dialogue is non-stop today. Instead of McDonald's, I stopped for a chai latte (large) and a muffin this morning. My shoes are in the car. I brought a lunch but it's tuna casserole. I haven't logged my food or worked out for months. I'm tired of looking and feeling like this but yet I can't seem to make it 2 hours before giving in, only to pick up with the internal dialogue immediately after. How do I get past this and DO IT...all the time? Every time? If I don't change this, I'm going to be 200 lbs within a year or two.

Thanks to anyone who actually read all of this. For the record, no, I'm not depressed. I'm 175 lbs and aside from weight, I'm healthy..good cholesterol, no thyroid issues. I'm 40. I have no medical reason to be like this.

I'm just damn lazy, I guess.

lauragokey5

I know the feeling. My inner monologue sounds the same as yours on most days...Mine usually tells me that one little chocolate bar won't hurt anything and then ours later the guilt kicks me in the butt and reminds me what a loser I am for giving in.

queenbekks

I don't know if this is helpful to you or not, but maybe just know that you're not alone? My daily dialogue sounds similar at many points, this made me smile! I read a post the other day that said, "I can't fail if I never stop trying", and that was helpful for me. I "start over" just about every three days, at LEAST every week, but its better than just giving up. Don't beat yourself up! Hugs!

elainecroft

My advice would be to focus on one thing at a time. Your dialogue sounds like you want to change everything, all at once. Your brain only had so much capacity to change, and it sounds like you are overwhelming yourself. Try picking one thing (a healthy breakfast, for example) and try to do that for a few days until it becomes a habit, and then pick up something else. You'll get there; dont give up!!

_HeartsOnFire_

Well 1 cookie and 1 chocolate bar won't derail anything.

The trick is to know you can do it and to make yourself do it. Quit excepting excuses. We are all guilty of it (you should hear some of my dozies lately...)...But once you start realizing that you're making excuses it'll help turn it around.

You just have to want it, realllly want it, make the decision and do it. Then don't stop.

Also, don't label food as good or bad. There's no such thing. I have lost my weight and I've still eaten cookies, drank beer, I eat whatever I want, I do so in moderation. It's about moderation NOT deprivation.

There's always going to be obstacles in your life, you have to make whatever you do fit into that life, I'm sure 1 ingredient wouldn't ruin that whole meal, and while you were cooking it, you could do laps in your kitchen, or squats at the stove. Etc. If you find that you aren't going to the gym, then stop paying for it and find something that you love and invest in that. I love kickboxing. So I go to a kickboxing place. If you don't find workouts that you love, chances of sticking with them are kinda slim.

Lemmynade

Mine is berating me for the two cookies I had this morning. And the laziness of this weekend.

Just gotta make it one meal at a time. I like what Elaine said!

lauraspberry

I enjoyed reading that :flowerforyou: lol anyway. Like what I've always said to myself, having the motivation is the hardest part of losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle. When you acquire motivation, days, weeks and months will pass by and the next thing you know you look and feel better already. So work up on your motivation first of all. Think of what you wanna do with yourself, how you're planning to do it, is it feasible. Taking the first step is always hard. Here's what I do when I feel lazy, I try working out for at leadt 0:20 seconds. I try hopping on that elliptical or treadmill for 20 seconds and when the 20 seconds pass, it's either I stop or I put my headphones on, put a really good song on play and workout til the trippy song is finished, if I like the feeling I will go on for another song, and so on.

_HeartsOnFire_

I also agree, maybe try to make 1 change at a time. Like eating better, or doing the meal planning. Then in a week or two start adding on some working out.

It can be hard to turn off your negative critic. She's often times a big huge mega b*tch. It was reallllly hard for me but every day it got a little easier to smack her down a bit more. Telling myself I CAN DO THIS! Believing in myself and believing that I could do it, helped tremendously in silencing that b*tch.

Believe in yourself and do it. That inner dialogue will get quiet pretty quick.

Lizzy622

You're thinking about things at the wrong time. Saturday/Sunday- plan your meals for most of the week and shop. I like making a large roast chicken for Sunday dinner and use leftovers to toss on top of salad or for a sandwich to take to work. I also prep Monday dinner as much as possible. I also hard boil some egg, peel them and keep them in the fridge for a quick breakfast. A big batch of oatmeal, portioned can last several days and is easy to pop in the microwave for a quick breakfast. Make a pact with yourself. You are not allowed to check e-mail until the next day's breakfast, lunch and dinner are prepped. If you plan on the weekend this should take about 1/2 hour to one hour. You can do it stop making excuses.

Phaedra2014

Your post is fantastic. It made me smile, shake my head, and empathize. I think we all do that in areas of our life and I think you are so brave to just put it out there. if we don't "catch" our thoughts, we can't change them.

My suggestion is that instead of dwelling on your thoughts and writing yourself off as lazy, look for the biggest thing that stands out. To me, it's lack of planning and organization.

You know you will be hungry at breakfast and lunch so prepare those meals the DAY BEFORE, or, even better, prepare 5 lunches and take them to work so they are already there.

I think if you have your food, water and coffee ready for the next day (or week), you will start at an advantage.

Meal planning is difficult but get it done over the weekend so all the meat is thawed and ready for cooking. Use the time you save to squeeze in some exercise: 10 push ups, 5 burpees, 15 jumping jacks, some lunges and squats. You'll be surprised to see how much that makes the day go better and it gives you a sense of accomplishment.

You're not lazy but you may be disorganized. That's an easy thing to fix. Promise!

allisonrinkel

I feel you. I sometimes just wish my inner monologue would shut the eff up.
Try to change what you're telling yourself. Instead of being upset at eating a McMuffin, try thinking like, well, I had that mcmuffin, so what do I need to do in order for that to work into my diet, and then make the plan to do it.
Easier said than done, but with practice hopefully you can start to encourage yourself to make better choices instead of beating yourself up for the bad choices.
Whoa. I can write it, but I wish I could follow my own advice!!

StarlaDesiree

I empathize with the dialogue. Small changes would definitely benefit you. There are many small changes you can do one at a time. Say, for breakfast have a healthy cereal, and make sure to follow the serving size (Post's Great Grains varieties are pretty yummy). Or have oatmeal instead. Prepping stuff ahead of time will help a lot, too. Take a couple hours on a Sunday to prepare lunches for the week (and maybe dinners, too). That will make it easier to get something healthy at meal time when you're tired and worn out from the day. Once you start getting in the habit of being more active, you'll start to feel more energetic, and it won't feel like such a chore. 20 minutes a day isn't a long time, and you could easily cut that 20 mins out of your computer time. You can do this. Just small changes, that will add up to a big difference. A little planning ahead goes a LONG way.

Inshape13

I went through this for soooooo long when I started losing weight and then I read a book that mentioned that if your inner dialogue that is negative came from a good friend saying it to you, would you keep that person as a friend any longer....is what that voice is saying even true? I used to tell myself that I could never be a person that fit in at a gym, that I was too weak to pass by junk food and keep walking, that I would never do this. At first I hated the fact that I told myself this day in and day out and then I just started proving all of those statements wrong. One mile at a time I conquered the fact that I was out of shape, one donut at a time I saw that I could pass by and not indulge and one day at a time I kept on going refused to turn back to old ways. You will get there, you just have to KNOW that you are stronger than the things that your inner dialogue is trying to tell you.

sarahrbraun

PP are right, you need to stop trying to change too much at one time. Pick one thing to change, and once you have that under control most of the time, then pick another thing.

For me, going to the gym was the first thing I changed. For almost 2 years now, I have been a super regular visitor at the gym. Most weeks, it is 5 days. Lately it has been 4 days. I'm waiting for the day I get a call from staff asking me why I missed a day I usually go ( my old trainer has my phone number)

quite a few people (in real life) have been giving me crap about my diet, and how I would have better results if I ate cleaner. I've made some small changes, but I'm not ready to eat super clean. I don't want to beat myself up for my food choices.

Julesbait

OP, you win the prize for most relatable post ever made. :happy:

ptbodacious

A quote I try to keep in the front of my mind - "If you talked to other people the way you talk to yourself, you'd have no friends at all". That internal dialogue will smash every bit of motivation you can must if you let it. A tip I got from someone on here when I first started to try to stop the internal nonsense was "for every bad thing you think to/about yourself - you must immediately come up with three good things about yourself". Some days it took a LOONNGG time to get three good things, but it definitely helped me get that wicked dialogue shut down. You're worth it!

chani8

Time to just.start.logging the food you do eat. Start logging!!

Start looking at food with your Math Hat on.

How many cals do you get to eat per day? Or another way to say it, how much cals do you have to spend each day?
Now, how are you going to spend your calories? Likely, you'll want to get the most yummiest food or most healthiest food for your 'calorie money'?
A bowl of cereal is fine, but yogurt gives you change leftover to spend at the cafeteria. A cookie is fine, with a salad, but you just don't have enough cals for that lasagna.
And sometimes we say, oops, I overspent today, so I have to get off my butt and walk off my debt. Then you'll see how hard it is to burn off excess cals, and you wont want to go in debt ever again!

Good luck!!

CarlydogsMom

Lots of GREAT advice in front of me. First of all, I think everyone here can relate to this post because we've mostly all been there. Which is why we're on MFP to begin with.

You've written yourself a perfect script to work off of. Print that puppy off. Take colored markers and mark it up. Where are your problem areas (i.e. quick breakfast with no planning, left shoes in car, too tired from work to go do something after). Make plans to change these, a bit at a time, and write them on this script. Figure out ways that will simply not allow you to dive into your bag of rationale-driven excuses.

Buy an extra pair of shoes that you LEAVE IN YOUR OFFICE. Don't count on schlepping shoes back and forth. Get as many pairs as you can and put them in every location you'll need them. Maybe later when it becomes a habit, you can let go of that, but for now, do it. Extra leggings, extra towel for the gym...whatever. Have stashes handy at the places you are when the temptation to blow it off always occurs.

Great suggestions for breakfast--prepped oatmeal, prepped boiled eggs. Another: I made a batch of these egg muffins (line muffin tins with two slices of turkey bacon. Mix egg beaters, feta cheese, some finely-chopped veggies i.e. peppers/mushrooms/onions/asparagus, and pour into each muffin tin inside the bacon. Bake. That makes 12 muffins. Put them in baggies and microwave for breakfast.

Get creative!!! Make a smoothie to take to your office for that afternoon craving. When you want drive-through as you're driving home, pop a mint into your mouth.

That post you wrote is the PERFECT way to self-evaluate. Print it out and use it, and I love these other suggestions!!!

focuseddiva

I can relate to everything except the horse.

All that self talk/hate is tiring, right? Exhausting. Imagine how freeing it will be when your brain doesn't have to deal with that.

strangeone25

I loved your post and as most people have said here can relate. I have to agree you are trying to change too much at one time. I actually started with a diet pill called skinny fibre. I didn't stay on it but it did show me just how much I was eating. From then on I just tried to eat less at meals. Some time after that I just added a short workout no more an 30 minutes and done at home as I do not have time to go to a gym. Eventually I started eating a bit better but not always. I still indulge some times. Most importantly you need to try and be more positive and forgive yourself on the days that don't go well. We all have them, that is just life. Sounds to me like you are still trying which makes you a success in my books!!!

Link2Life

Wow...thank you for all of time you all took to respond and offer encouragement and advice! I do believe that writing this down has helped me identify what areas I should change first. You nailed it when you said i am taking on too much all at once. it's true - I feel as if my day wasn't good enough unless i checked "all of the above" on my list of BE HEALTHY activities.

It really is insane the excuses you can come up with. I think it's hysterical that I place more value on Lasagna over a salad at work. They both cost the same and one clearly is a healthier choice, but because I know that lasagna is more expensive to make, I justify it. How crazy is that thinking?

Oh...gee...I left my shoes in my car. Um....like...go get them!

I do know that my lack of planning is my number 1 reason I fall off the wagon. And why don't I plan? I'm spending too much time on the computer. I loved the advice to not check emails unless I have my meals prepped and planned for the next day. I'm definitely goingto take that advice and use it!! And maybe I tell myself no facebook unless I've exercised that day. 1 minute exercise = 1 minute facebook. :-)

Seriously...thank you all so much. I'm off to feed the horses and think happy thoughts. And instead of changing out of my work clothes into my jammies, I put damn too-tight sports bra on already, along with the t-shirt. The treadmill is right on my way back in from doing chores.

all the best...
Deb