Christmas family terror

mortuseon

I have previously had an eating disorder, and consequently the subject of my weight/eating/exercise habits is frequently a point of contention in my family, despite the fact that I am much better now and have had very few relapses since January of this year. ('you're too thin', 'you shouldn't be exercising so much', 'were you sick again?', etc).

I moved to London to attend university this September - the first time I have lived away from my family. This was quite refreshing for me as although it has affected exercise detrimentally, I can now choose and make all of my own food, plan it out, weigh it without being judged, etc. I have consequently lost some weight (don't know how much, I can just feel that my clothes are looser and have received some comments from the people I live with), but I have been doing so within what I think is a reasonable calorie goal.

As a consequence of all this, I'm really afraid of seeing my family this Christmas. I know that if I have lost weight, they will almost certainly comment on it and see it as a reflection of declining mental health. Maybe even try and get me to seek more psych help - they have previously paid for therapy for me, for which I feel extremely guilty. I feel uncomfortable when I miss scheduled workouts or when I can't plan/weigh my meals, but again, if I do this at home then I know it will set alarm bells ringing for them, despite the fact that I'm keeping to healthy goals.
I really don't know what to do. I've considered wearing leggings under my jeans to make my legs look fatter or even pretending that I've had some illness that would explain weight loss. Has anyone got any suggestions? I know my family are just concerned about me because of previous issues, but when they continue to bring it up it just makes things worse for me.

AmykinsCatfood

I know how annoying family can be... I had it in reverse. "Should you be eating that?" "Your pants are starting to look too tight.. maybe you should cut back on your eating." But the truth of it is, they love you and are very concerned for your well being. They would only blame themselves if something happened to you.

Have you tried showing them this website and the support system you have made here? Show them your calorie intake and your goals and if they still worry, go to a doctor and get their opinion on what you are doing.

Edited to add that you are awesome for beating your ED and I hope your holidays go well

ren_ascent

What an impressive food diary. I agree with the above poster, show them this website indicating how successful you've become with managing your food in a positive way. And congratulations on having a caring family and kicking your disorder. Merry Christmas!

SoDamnHungry

This is ringing alarm bells for me, too. I'm not you, so I don't know what you're thinking. I also don't know what you weigh, and how bad your eating disorder has been/is. But anyone who's on the forums asking how to appear heavier to deceive their family probably hasn't gotten over an eating disorder, regardless of what they're trying to convince themselves. You get uncomfortable when you can't work out and when you can't weigh all of your food? Perhaps you should go seek some help.

I'm honestly not trying to be mean. It sounds like you should go to therapy.

kgbenny

I'm not an expert, but wouldn't wearing leggings under your jeans to make your legs look bigger or trying to say you've been sick to excuse/hide weight loss be signs that your ED isn't really under control?

I agree with amyuniversal - show them your diary and talk about your goals. You may need to see a doctor to make sure you're doing everything the healthy way and your numbers look good. That evidence should appease your family's concerns.

lynnmarie96

'Mortuseon', I have been in the situation where everyone assumes that I've been participating in extreme dieting, because I've lost a lot of weight, when actually I've been doing it healthily. I guess I can see where my friends and family are coming from because they're scared that I've relapsed into anorexia & bulimia, however it just stresses me out so much that they frown upon me for trying to do it healthily.

If I was in your position, I'd explain to them before that you go down there that you've been watching your meals and planning them so that they're healthy, and perhaps say its part of your progress&recovery? Also if you try to relax a little this christmas, and show them that you're eating, they might feel happier and understand more.

Congrats on the hard work, I appreciate how hard recovery can be x

likitisplit

If your diary is accurate, you've been netting between 1300 and 1500 calories, which is good (and I know how hard you work at it). I think you need to be open with your family and explain that you work very hard to eat enough. Weighing your food is one of the ways you work to make sure you are getting enough within the context of your situation. That it is still a struggle, but you are seeing success. And that it would help if everybody stopped concentrating on what you look like.

mortuseon

Thank you, everyone. I think the main problem is that EDs are such secretive illnesses that in a way they don't quite trust me when I insist that I'm fine. I think I'll broach the matter with my mother first, as it is my grandparents I am really worried about (we're very close and I know that they are the ones prone to worry the most). I'm considering showing them the diary, it's just that I am worried they will perceive the need to keep a food diary as disordered behaviour, when actually it's useful for preventing relapse. Might even tell a white lie and say that my doctor told me to...?

(Re seeking therapy as has been mentioned: I still have issues with anxiety & depression - much better than they were - so I'm actually booked to get a psych referral on Friday. I get bloods back too, so if I'm not healthy then they'll pick up on it and I've agreed to go along with any treatment they suggest. I saw a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago and she said that since I mostly have eating under control right now and since restriction/relapse tends to be strongly related to anxiety, I'd probably benefit from treatment for anxiety much more than anything ED-specific. )

Collier78

Kudos to you for recognizing the steps you need to take to stay healthy. I would say showing them this post and the support you receive (including your diary) would be a great way to help them understand, and by enlisting your mother first maybe she can help when they all start to naysay...If I were you and my mother was comfortable with it, I would make sure she is always aware of what you are doing to work to stay healthy...then you have another than can be an advocate for you with the rest of the family. Best of luck!

TommyJensen1987

Say to them straight out that you don't really trust yourself to perceive food accurately, that is why you keep a diary and weight it all so that you know you eat enough. Also mention that your are doing planing your food with your doctor (since you have agreed to go ahead with whatever treatment they say, that is the truth) and that you are still seeing a psych. If they still complain about it, suggest that they shut up, in whatever way is appropriate.

lauren3101

Your family simply care about you. Lying or trying to make yourself look bigger than you are is a downward spiral. Your food diary doesn't look unhealthy, and you've obviously come a long way in dealing with it. Show your parents this page and your food diary. Tell them it's a good way to learn how to live healthily, that it's about macros and fueling your body, not just calorie counting.

nomeejerome

Be honest with them.

MelsAuntie

Just tell them you are healthy, feel good, are doing well, and that's all you are going to say about it, and you don't want to hear another word about it, PERIOD. That should shut them up. If they persist, say, " I already said I don't want to hear another word about it, and don't make me repeat myself."

MyChocolateDiet

I think you should allow your family to see you and if they conclude you need more therapy there is no guilt in accepting it since you are on a path of recovery for your ED and at any stage the therapy will be helpful whether you are fully recovered or almost there.

I think you should dress for your size as that will call the least attention to your size and also will let them see your actual size and if it's healthy as you feel it is, they can be aware of that. If they catch you dressing in anyway to camouflage your size that may be bringing attention to a problem which may not be there and may make you seem more thin than you actually are just because the seeing will be preceded with concern.

Finally, they are family and they love and deserve to see you happy and healthy or not. Please go with an open heart and mind and give yourself the healing and hope that family can provide. :flowerforyou:

Greywalk

Don't look to me I paid for grad school by not eating often so lost all kinds of weight...Christmas they tried to fatten me up but I just was not hungry so often. So I ate well, loaded my plate took to kitchen and put some of it in the fridge for later so I would not get sick by eating to much. later often turned into the next meal.

allaboutthecake

I would tell them BEFORE you go home that all the dissecting of your eating habits make it worse on you. State specifically in a text, email or whathaveyou, " my Physician told me to tell YOU not bring up the subject as it makes me worse and I'm in my happy place now. If you bring it up, I will go back to University earlier."

Tell your mother to butt out. If you have someone in your corner at all? Then clue them in too so they can be on your side.

If your clothes are baggy on you, get better fit. Baggy clothes looks deceptively worse on people, imho.

If it is all too much for you, go back to University earlier. Knowing you do need a much needed school break, sometimes its best to get away from stressful family. You don't need to be 53 to get clarity and realize this to act on it. Acting on it now at your age will set precedent. You just have to be firm in your decision and don't waver.

btw: I think your food diary rocks!:drinker:

JoelleAnn78

I admire your strength and courage to fight back from an ED. It sounds like you know your family cares about you, and I think it is safe to say they will always worry about you. Please don't lie to them -- that does not help. Best wishes -- the holidays are very hard to deal with when you ahve so many people in one place and so much food. Keep doing what you are doing, eating healthy and logging. You are doing what works. In the long run that is more important. I agree that showing your loved ones how hard you are working to stay the course is a great idea -- if they question why you need to do this (logging) tell them it is a way to stay accountable just like someone who IS trying to lose weight would use it to stay accountable. Instead of logging to be sure you stay at a deficit you are logging to be sure you don't

Again, congratulations on your strength and courage.

fannyfrost

I am mom, I have a kid who has lost weight and not on purpose. She gets anxiety and when stressed doesn't eat. I can completely understand the worry about the weight loss. I am looking at what you said and here is my complete opinion.

1- tell them are seeing a psych
2- Let them know that measuring your food and having control helps with the stress and worry that you might not eat enough.
3- Show them the food diary again explaining that by tracking you are ensuring healthy diet as well as making sure your calorie intake is high enough.
4- Explain that in balancing your food your body has changed, but you are supported to being healthy forever
5- Tell them you are getting blood work done to check that you are eating a balanced diet

As for the control and need to weigh your food and track your exercise, that is definitely a way to control your environment and the sign of a larger issue. I am not saying eating disorder, I am saying that somehow you feel that you don't have control over your life and by controlling your diet you are gaining control over one aspect of your life. Even if you don't see a psychiatrist, see a counselor or a psychologist to have someone to talk to. FYI, the Anxiety is a symptom of feeling out of control as well.
Also the fact that getting away from home has helped, shows that you needed to find control over your environment without someone else looking over your shoulder.

So my own experience has been the opposite. You going to eat that? My dad was a dress manufacturer for Large size dresses. Now we are talking 12 and up, but his size 12 was equal to a size 14 in most stores. So I spent my life being told "you don't want to look like that" the best was that when my dad was sick (he is gone now) he was always cold. He came for the holiday and said to me its cold in here and I said put on a sweater because I am hot and he said "you wouldn't be hot if you weren't so fat". The woman working for him went into shock and I just ignored it. By this time those things didn't even phase me.
On top of that my parents eat horribly, my mom taught me how to sneak food at an early age, by example. We rarely had veggies with our meal or very few from a can. She tries to tell me to eat like nothing. Her dieting actually caused her to lose her hair at one time (no fat)

So as you can see it would be easy to slip into bad habits. Instead of praising my daughter for being thin, I always emphasized healthy eating, even when kids her own age were asking how do I lose weight, I emphasized to her to eat healthy and stay active. I never forced her to eat or criticized when she wasn't hungry. Food is the one thing we can always have control over. My husband is very skinny and his mother always tried to make him gain. This had the exact opposite reaction, he wouldn't eat or he ate only junk, she cooked with more oil, but because of that he ate less because it would upset his stomach.

Tell your family you are taking control of your life and this one way you are doing it. If you slack then you feel out of control and you may fall back in to bad habits. So they need to let you live and keep control of your own life instead of living to their ideal.

blessybuva

this is a very delicate topic. just because youre considering wearing leggings under jeans to hide your weight loss doesnt necessarily mean that your ED isnt under control, it just means that you dont want to hear all the comments, lectures, etc. completely understandable and I would probably do the same thing. but then again, I also suffer from an ED so my opinion might not be as objective as other ones.

mortuseon

Wow, thank you for all the responses - honestly did not expect so many (and compliments on my food diary, you guys :blushing: )!

I have just mentioned to my mother on the phone, albeit briefly, that I've lost some weight recently, that I'd had bloods done & am seeing a doctor on Friday etc. Her response was a very blunt 'Are you anorexic?', but I think I managed to explain around it and she seemed much less concerned when I told her about the doctor. She told me not to worry too much about grandma because she has a 'distorted view of weight' (whatever that means), so hopefully that means I'll have some support in the very likely event that my weight comes up as a topic at Christmas. I think I'm going to use whatever the doctor and psych say to support the idea of me weighing my food.
In the meantime, I suppose I have new clothes to buy, and the actual mental preparation for all the scary Christmas food (eek). Thank you all so much!

JJJJ25

I'm going to be straight up honest with you - you are in quasi-recovery, not recovered. I speak as a person who was actively anorexic for 8 years, and sincerely believed that as long as I ate 1200 calories it was "enough," and I was weighing and measuring my food to make sure I was eating "enough," and I needed to exercise so that I could eat "enough."

Well, I've relapsed 5 times in 8 years, before committing myself (thanks to meeting and marrying my wonderful husband) to actual recovery.

You might be interested to read this about caloric requirements for those recovering: http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2011/9/14/i-need-how-many-calories.html

I'm not trying to be difficult or unsupportive - I KNOW how hard it is to get yourself to eat 1200 and not exercise for hours a day. But you're 18. So was I when I started restricting. Now I'm 27 and this is the first time in 8 years I haven't lived with brain fog, perpetual cold, fear of missing workouts, and worrying others.

If you've lost weight, you need to be honest with yourself if it's too much, or indicative of a backslide. And it will be helpful to learn how to eyeball portions and calories.

As for people complimenting your food diary - they mean well but they should not be praising someone recovering from an ED for eating a pristine 1200 calorie diet while exercising.