Food-Policing Boss

papayawhip0126

Hello, I need some advice from someone older and wiser:

I used to think that there was a certain weight in letting people's stupid comments hang in the air... but then I met my boss.

I work in a small start-up and not a day goes by without her making a very public comment about my diet or my fitness routine.

Last week someone offered me a sandwich and before I could place my order she said "Oh, don't you know she doesn't eat carbs?"

Today a coworker offered me a cupcake, I took it, and she said "Wow, you're breaking her ban on only eating super-healthy food!"

I should say that I never food-police anybody else and with the exception of walking out of the office with my gym bag every day, I don't let on about my exercise regimen. In fact, I always eat my lunch outside of the office, so I have no idea what she thinks I eat.

Sure, I always say no-thank-you when the take-out menu goes around, I never take the box of donuts and when I serve myself a small slice of cake on birthdays. When my colleagues approach me about wanting to eat well and exercise, I encourage them, but I also know it's none of my business.

My boss' comments are more than just annoying, I'm recovering from an eating disorder. It has only been a few months since I started treating my body with kindness and love, and I am very proud of myself for how hard I've worked to get here, but it's a struggle every day. The most important thing for me has been to stop labeling foods as "good" or "bad".

How can I get these triggering comments to stop without being disrespectful? She's very vindictive.

Thanks MyFitnessPalers!

meshashesha2012

ask to talk to her in private, tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable.

problem solved

WeepingAngel81

ask to talk to her in private, tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable.

problem solved

+1

Or just tell her that the cupcake makes her *kitten* look big.

lyzmorrison

Or just tell her that the cupcake makes her *kitten* look big.

THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hilarious!!!

peleroja

My line at work is "Cupcakes give you muffin tops, you know," delivered totally deadpan. It shuts up anyone dumb enough to comment on what I eat or refuse to eat.

Ailorn

To make an assertive responce is 3 parts Facts, Feelings, Fair request.

Speak to her alone tell her that her comments about how or what you eat make you feel judged and that you dont like it. Please refrain from commenting about my eating habbits.

Keep it simple. Use your own words (I'm just guessing about what your most important feelings are). Only a few sentences are necessary and dont appologise for how you feel. You aren't wrong for having feelings.

Edit: If you do this and she still makes a comment, you can say in the moment (infront of others) I've asked before, please dont comment about my eating habits.

ldrosophila

what kind of relationship do you have with her? Can you be open with her maybe share your recovery from ED?

Otherwise, the only I would probably do is not respond to it, or acknowledge the stupid comment from your boss. Hope she gets the hint that it's not funny to you.

feelin_gr_8

It depends on the company atmosphere and your relationship with your boss. If it's overall a tense place, you could say something to the effect of "I don't think comments on my eating/health habits are appropriate for a professional atmosphere". That would have stopped a previous boss of mine in her tracks because the place was so big on being PC and HR complaints.

I'm feeling the pain with you on unwanted comments. Twice now a certain family member has mentioned things about me "starving myself". I am not starving myself. MFP calculates 1460 calories a day and I rarely have more than 50 calories left over at the end of the day! I still have over 80 pounds to lose....I just want to say "get off my back and be happy for me!"

metaphoria

To make an assertive responce is 3 parts Facts, Feelings, Fair request.

Speak to her alone tell her that her comments about how or what you eat make you feel judged and that you dont like it. Please refrain from commenting about my eating habbits.

Keep it simple. Use your own words (I'm just guessing about what your most important feelings are). Only a few sentences are necessary and dont appologise for how you feel. You aren't wrong for having feelings.

Edit: If you do this and she still makes a comment, you can say in the moment (infront of others) I've asked before, please dont comment about my eating habits.

Go with this. But record what has been said, and write down names of who was present. If she is vindictive, it could get worse and you may need some documentation in case your job is threatened. This is worst case scenario, but it never hurts to cover your own butt.

amgreenwell

I have experienced the same thing with co workers (not my boss) commenting on what I eat, how often, how much and how much exercise I do. I NEVER comment on their routines or lack thereof and never would. Either you want this for yourself or you don't.
If I were you, I would wait until she made a comment again, either in public or private and tell her right then and there how uncomfortable it makes you feel for her to comment on your lifestyle and eating habits.
She better watch herself b/c harassment lawsuits have been filed for MUCH MUCH less.

ElliottTN

Bring in donuts to work every couple of weeks. Non confrontational so no blowback . She'll probably say something te first time or two but it will steal her fire in the end.

ndj1979

Bring in donuts to work every couple of weeks. Non confrontational so no blowback . She'll probably say something te first time or two but it will steal her fire in the end.

this is probably better than confronting her...

if she is the kind of boss that takes confrontation to her as an insult (I have had bosses like this) which it sounds like she may ..then you might be setting yourself up to have her trap you into getting fired...just saying...

You have to be careful with office politics....

I own a small business owner and would never say anything like that to an employee, because I am in a position of power over them and what are they going to tell me ...F off? They really would have no recourse...

is she like the big boss (owner) or just mid level manager? if you have an HR person you could go to them..or you could go to the owner...I would want to know if one of my supervisors was making an employee feel uncomfortable...

socajam

ask to talk to her in private, tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable.

problem solved

+1

Or just tell her that the cupcake makes her *kitten* look big.

Make sure you have another job offer.

cafeaulait7

I know it's obnoxious when folks talk about what you eat. They shouldn't, and it's rude and unprofessional, etc.

But if it's a quick comment and stops at one at a time, I say let it go. Don't give AF what her little one-liners consist of, really. Or consider it a difference of opinion or something.

It sounds like she may be trying to start some drama (at worst), and it's not worth it to let her know it does get to you (that's the drama she wants). If she's not trying to start anything, who cares about a stupid comment here and there? Maybe she'd stop if you talked to her, but it doesn't sound like y'all have that kind of relationship.

I don't know. The ability to ignore things is often not used, and I don't see why not, I guess. Just mho.

1dce

I have heard many of these comments myself. I am in no way a light eater lol I eat literally all day long, I just get full quick. Anyway I won't tell you to be confrontational with her since she is your boss, just smile and say something like you know me so well. It doesn't matter what she says or thinks it's how you feel about yourself.

papayawhip0126

Thank you all SO MUCH for your thoughtful replies. I am going to have a firm reply prepared next time she says something like that. I will let you know what happens.

The level of support in this community astounds me every day. You were all part of my recovery!

Xoxoxox
b

tfleischer

Be careful how you tread because you may be treading out the door.
You said that she is your boss in a "small start up." Is she the owner? How far up the food chain is she? What is the corporate atmosphere at your company, as in, will anyone really give a damn that she makes snarky remarks about your eating habits.
Today, there is such a tension among office workers and their bosses because bosses think that their workers are out to get their jobs and workers think that bosses don't care about anything but profits.

ElliottTN

Thank you all SO MUCH for your thoughtful replies. I am going to have a firm reply prepared next time she says something like that. I will let you know what happens.

The level of support in this community astounds me every day. You were all part of my recovery!

Xoxoxox
b

Let us know how the job search goes for ya

ndj1979

Thank you all SO MUCH for your thoughtful replies. I am going to have a firm reply prepared next time she says something like that. I will let you know what happens.

The level of support in this community astounds me every day. You were all part of my recovery!

Xoxoxox
b

be careful with that one..and make sure you have a job lined up ...

if she is the owner, she will more than likely fire you on the spot...

Owners do not take too well to direct challenges from employees...if one of my employees challenged me to my face I would fire them 99% of the time...

Kagami_Taiga

Unfortunately some people are just like that.

Some of my relatives are kind of like that. When someone seen my progress picture and commented on it, one of them would interject and tell them it was done on photoshop. Another time, when they were watching an MTV programme about obese teens turning fitter, they would keep on saying little sarcastic comments. Even when I get some results in the gym in the form of thicker muscles in my legs, they would say I've probably got cancer in my legs.

You can't stop what people do, but you can really annoy them by being better than them.

jonmscharff

Well, here is another thought…

First, a little background. My wife and I own several Physical, Occupational & Speech Therapy practices. So should we be fit and healthy? Absolutely! However, unfortunately we are probably the most unfit people in our practice. But, we are committed and working on it every day. We have a wonderful respectful employment environment and would never tolerate the kind of comments that your are enduring. I am sorry that you are working in a place like that.

So, on to your problem…I really don't want to not sound supportive of your situation, however I have to say what I have been thinking so often to myself as I have read posts on many topics. I really just don't understand how everyone seems to be thinking that any comment made by a rude adult/coworker/spouse/friend has to effect us so! We work a lot with seniors with Alzheimer's and dementia and all of you would be shocked at the stuff that they say! Nothing is off limits. Yes, it is easy to say well they have cognitive issues but I have had to council many a staff member not to go home in tears just because a patient said you have a fat *kitten*. When are we going to realize that people like your boss are only showing how uncaring and unkind they are? I for one, am happy when someone like this opens up their mouth and informs me early on that they are not someone I want to befriend. I think we all need to grow up ourselves and realize these are just words and words can only hurt us if we chose to let them. Don't we have enough stress in our lives with all that we are dealing with without letting the immature thoughts into our psyche?

As far as confronting her…I think there is plenty of advise that could work mentioned above. However, it comes with a risk with this type of person. If she is as you described then who knows how she will treat you after.

You seem like a strong confident women who has overcome a lot of obstacles in her life. I suggest to continue to take the higher road and turn the other cheek in this instance. This would not be my suggestion if someone was sexually harassing you or physically confronting you. Perhaps we all need a reminder of Eleanor Roosevelt, This Is My Story:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Jonathan

tfleischer

Let us know how the job search goes for ya
[/quote]

That is probably solid, though snarky, advice. If the boss in question is willing to make these kinds of comments with others around, then she will not very likely take well to being called on the carpet about it, regardless of whether it is in private or not.
She is not sexually harrassing you and unemployment boards (where you would file for benefits) have a tendency to lean toward the employer, not employee at times like this.
Your job pays for the food that you put in your mouth. Develop a thicker skin and ignore the boss on these kinds of comments.

happysherri

Make her a cupcake with laxative in it! Punch her in the face! Or you could ask to speak with her and let her know it bothers you (I guess).

:-) goodluck

MysteriousMerlin

To make an assertive responce is 3 parts Facts, Feelings, Fair request.

Speak to her alone tell her that her comments about how or what you eat make you feel judged and that you dont like it. Please refrain from commenting about my eating habbits.

Keep it simple. Use your own words (I'm just guessing about what your most important feelings are). Only a few sentences are necessary and dont appologise for how you feel. You aren't wrong for having feelings.

Edit: If you do this and she still makes a comment, you can say in the moment (infront of others) I've asked before, please dont comment about my eating habits.

Go with this. But record what has been said, and write down names of who was present. If she is vindictive, it could get worse and you may need some documentation in case your job is threatened. This is worst case scenario, but it never hurts to cover your own butt.

This right here. As your supervisor, she does not have the right to make ANY personal comments towards you. My old boss used to tell me I had my "tight pants on today" and that "a man would have to be rich to put a ring on YOUR finger". I wish, oh how I WISH I had the confidence at the time to confront her about it. She embarrassed the hell out of me on multiple occasions and in front of other employees with her comments.

If the scenarios continue after speaking with her AND it's bothering you, take it higher. She does not have any right to make ANY comments on anything personal.

headofphat

I have found that people who aren't happy with their own image or habits are the ones who tend to comment on your diet. They want to tear you down with little comments. Anyway, your boss is just one of those people who is insecure. There is absolutely no other reason for her/him to comment on your choices unless that is the case.

headofphat

Make her a cupcake with laxative in it! Punch her in the face! Or you could ask to speak with her and let her know it bothers you (I guess).

:-) goodluck

^^^the second idea.

notworthstalking

This sounds like a tough situation . I know at my work we have just recently gone through the work place bullying policy. Basically some people have not being acting or speak appropriately to others. Now we are a small part of a pretty big company and these policies apply to everyone. A big one though is if. You don't like a joke or comment, say something. In your case I would say ' please stop commenting on everything I eat. I don't feel comfortable.' Polite and let's the person know. If you ignore comments it's possible the other person just doesn't know they are bothering you. It's like I am not a fan of dirty jokes at work. So if someone says something I am mildly annoyed about, I will say ' that's not funny mate '. I do tend to ignore them, but that's more because I am not offended, just think they are lame *kitten* jokes lol . It can be hard if your company doesn't have a workplace bullying policy in place. I know in Australia , they have too. Whatever you say, be polite. But I feel you shouldn't have to feel victimised at work. The main advice I tell my 7 year old is , ' don't be a bully yourself' . So as an adult, don't resort to name calling or copy your bosses bad behaviour . Also you need to decide if it's actually bothering you that match.

msbunnie68

Have you tried going with it a little - like when she comments on your gym rountine, give her a little flex and slap the muscle and a big smile and say 'ohh yeah...getting better every day - just started Zumba (or whatever you are doing now) have you tried it - it's awesome" Or slap your rear and say "no cupcake butt here baby". That's how I deal with the snarkies. Agree with them and highlight how well you are doing. The cupcakes usually slide back onto the plate pretty quick and the comments stop because your boss frankly do NOT want to hear how happy you are with yourself.

Your boss has found a little weakness that she thinks she can exploit to bring you down a little so I am thinking she is not all that fit and likes to be in control of everything. Someone looking better than her is something she cannot control so she will try to erode you. Don't let her but don't get yourself fired in the process either.

egrusy

This is a tough situation indeed. I would definitely suggest a PRIVATE talk with her unless she's the upper mucky-muck of the company. If she has higher-ups, and you tell her you really think she's going over the line in a personal way, she'll probably think twice about doing it again out of concern that you will go over her head with the complaint.

If that's not an option, I would consider turning her on her head. She's obviously trying to be snarky and mean, and probably enjoys whatever reaction she gets from you, whether it's your facial expression or whatever that shows her she's hit her mark. Instead, pretend you don't realize it's a snark. If she says something like she has in the past, "She doesn't eat carbs" or "You're breaking her ban", just look all excited and say something like, "Oh, no, there are no foods that I can't eat!" or something similar. Perhaps after she stops getting a reaction she wants, as subtle a reaction as that might be, she'll lose her motivation to be such a .....

papayawhip0126

You are so right. Her comments say much more about her than they say about me! Thank you.