I feel like I cannot do this all AGAIN

4rehjaskjgrs

HI, I am 24 year old female. I have been overweight and struggled with over eating my whole life, at the end of 2010 I decided I needed to change my life and lose weight and I went from 116 kg (255 pounds) to 56 kg (123 pounds) in 2 years, this was mostly achieved with an unhealthy mindset. During that 2 years I became obsessed with losing weight, being thin and numbers and calories which quickly escalated into a severe eating disorder. I was terrified of eating anything that contained sugar. If I ever did it would trigger me to binge and then over exercise or purge. At the end of last year I feel into a depression due to how drained I felt being controlled by food and self loathe. I was 56 kilograms and I still felt like I wasn't good enough. I went to counseling and it didn't help.

I started drinking DAILY to escape these feelings, and with the drinking came loss of self control with food, and life in general, I was binge drinking and binge eating and haven't exercised and have gained 50 kilograms back in one year I weigh 106 kilograms now. I used the drinking as a way to escape from my feelings of shame of seeing myself gain weight again, and I soon had an alcohol addiction.

I haven't had a drink in 3 months, as a promise to my boyfriend that I would stop the destructive behavior, but I have been unable to control my binging. I eat late at night and I CANNOT believe I let myself gain all the weight back that I busted my *kitten* losing for 2 years! I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, and I feel like I am stuck like this, like it is not possible for me to lose that much weight AGAIN, last time it mentally drained me so much because I had to do everything 'perfectly', otherwise I would punish myself. I just want to be able to do this healthily and control my binge disorder. I just want to be normal, but I have no idea where to begin again. I am so tired of my mind.

I don't even know why I am posting this, I guess I just need someone to tell me that it is possible to lose a large amount of weight after regaining, all the while keeping it off and learning to at the very least like myself.

TommyJensen1987

You need to get your emotions under control. It sounds like you have an addictive personality and/or emotional issues, first food, then weightloss, then drinking.

It is certainly possible to lose the weight and then keep it of. Other people have done so.

Froody2

You need more help than we can give you. Have a look around your local area for counselling services or support groups. I wish you the very best of luck overcoming your problems :flowerforyou:

padams2359

I think you need to get help with the cause (why you are binge eating and drinking), then work on the result (the weight). Get happy with yourself, then the motivation will all come from within. Good luck.

edgellc

GypsyBella, it is a difficult thing to share your ups and downs with the community. Good job on acknowledging unhealthy behaviors. It is possible to lose weight again. I wish I could share with you my success story, but like you I've lost then regained. It sounds like you are asking for the right kind of help. I encourage you to seek it!

I have friends who have had tremendous success with Weight Watchers. I've tried using their website and found that the meetings are a must. It is expensive, but worth it. It is difficult to do it alone.

Second of all, seek help for the daily drinking. I know you haven't had a drink in 3 months. Bravo! But you've already learned to substitute alcohol for food. And according to your post, you are binging late at night.

It would not be a bad idea to seek out a personal counselor or therapist if you can afford it. You can receive personalized help that way. And hopefully, find the source of your binging on food and alcohol, and lose the weight you want and/or need to.

Best wishes, and keep in touch.

kylie0405

Hi Gypsy Bella

Don't be hard on yourself, I know you feel disgusted in yourself but you should be very proud for posting your post and being honest with yourself, that is possibly the first step. You have a similar personality perhaps to me where you like to be in control (even if it is out of control) you are the one with your hands on the reins. I'm sorry I don't have the right answer for you but you need to open up and allow others to help you. Here is a good start. Is your boyfriend able to be supportive? Make smaller goals and reward yourself when you reach each milestone.

gigglesinthesun

One of the problems is that with weight loss doesn't automatically come self love. You need to love yourself and you need to value yourself regardless of your weight. Your weight doesn't define you, it doesn't make you a nice or horrible person. Sure it is unhealthy and you are damaging your body by having too much of it, but loving yourself is not the same as the fat acceptance movement. How often do we see people here at this forum saying they are some 90 odd lbs and their bellies are 'just huge' or their thighs are disgusting? Look at yourself in the mirror naked and tell yourself out loud what is good about you ... every day, because it takes time before it sinks it, because we are so bombarded every day with seemingly perfect people that in all reality short if plastic surgery we will never look like. What makes this exercise hard is that we will almost immediately zero in on your faults. If you have trouble with it, ask you boyfriend what he loves about you and then work from there.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

Goinghungry

Good morning friend,
Isn't it great to have friends to turn to when your back is to the wall and you feel there is no where to go? As I read your post I certainly felt your pain. It's been 30 years since I have had a drink. It's been over 30 years since I have had a cigarette ( used to smoke almost 3 packs a day). Same feelings of ugliness, low worth, etc. what I'm going to share with you is MY STORY. Not pushing anything on you but just responding to you quest for answers. I tried all the tricks to overcome my destructive behavior, all the fads and then some. Finally I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I "tried" God. I learned about my need for a (higher power) in a 12 step program I was involved with. Well, my problems were too big for just any ( higher power) so I prayed for the highest and most powerful one to help me! Jesus Christ made himself known to me through other people, TV preachers and in my spirit. To make a long story short, I became a Christian, gave my life to him and began the wonderful discovery of just who I was, who created me and why. I found I was the most precious, the most prized creation of him who created all there is. I found out I was loved with a love that passes all understanding. I learned to make choices based on my love for God as opposed to my loathing of myself! Don't misunderstand, I still make bad decisions in many areas, daily, but now I am not alone nor without hope.
You, like myself do not have a food problem, we have a sin problem. Jesus Christ is the answer. One day at a time, we evolve our destructive thought processes and behaviors into positive reflections of the image of God with his help. It is not easy, it is not instant gratification, it is a life worth living, full of joy and peace even when you hit a wall.!
Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. If it helped you I am delighted, if you are someone that takes offense whenever Christ is mentioned, can't offer you anything else - he's all I got!
Stay strong friend - you may not know it but you are worth it!

4rehjaskjgrs

Thanks for the advice everyone. I might try the counseling again... I don't know. I am so afraid of the judgement. Yes I have a very addictive and controlling personality, where I feel like if I am doing something, I have to do it to extremes. I am also a perfectionist. Which with something like food sets you up for disaster, because there is no way you can be perfect every day for the rest of your days without messing up. My boyfriend is extremely supportive and I want to be better for him, mentally AND physically, even though he says he loves me the same no matter what size I am. Yes I have learned that self hate doesn't go away once you reach your goal weight. Finding self love is going to be a bigger challenge for me than weight loss will ever be...

sewnfool

You don't have to be in control forever. Just for now.... this minute. Tomorrow isn't promised to you. Accept the fact that for this moment in time You are fine and love yourself. Just for this moment.. :flowerforyou:

cmriverside

You don't have to be in control forever. Just for now.... this minute. Tomorrow isn't promised to you. Accept the fact that for this moment in time You are fine and love yourself. Just for this moment.. :flowerforyou:

^^THIS.

One Day At A Time.


Be in this moment. Looking back or looking ahead is a game of illusion.