advice for help to support my daughter

terricol

hi all, I am worrying about my youngest, who isn't 10 yet, but has come home from school stating that she has been labelled as fat by her so called class friends. She isn't over weight but has a curver figure to the others who all seem to be all stick thin. Sorry for the labelling of these words but have no other way of describing. I have proved to her that she isn't over weight on the wii fit game but she is very negative about her self imagine and states she is fat and ugly. Any advice on what i should do please?

TeamAwesomeDanger

That age is tough, especially if you're an early bloomer. I think it is an important time to try to grow self worth that is separate from your looks (easier said than done, I know).

Maybe try to focus on the things her body can DO rather than just what it looks like? For example, even though I have barely changed how I look at all since starting to lose weight, I feel so much more comfortable in my skin because lifting and working out gives me confidence. If she does activities, you can point out things like her legs are shaped like that because it gives her the power to run, etc. If she doesn't do physical activities, find her something that can put her in touch with her body instead of it being an enemy.

misstrish95

"How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.

Don’t say anything if she’s lost weight. Don’t say anything if she’s gained weight.

If you think your daughter’s body looks amazing, don’t say that. Here are some things you can say instead:

“You look so healthy!” is a great one.

Or how about, “you’re looking so strong.”

“I can see how happy you are – you’re glowing.”

Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.

Don’t comment on other women’s bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.

Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.

Don’t you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don’t go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don’t say “I’m not eating carbs right now.” Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.

Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that’s a good thing sometimes.

Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you’ll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn’t absolutely in love with.

Prove to your daughter that women don’t need men to move their furniture.

Teach your daughter how to cook kale.

Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.

Pass on your own mom’s recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.

Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It’s easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don’t. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.

Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul."


I saw this on Tumblr a few months ago and I think this applies beautifully. Something I wish my mom had read when I was younger and something I promise to follow when I have my own children.

At the end of the day, you can't control what other people's children say. But you can ensure that your daughter is prepared with the tools of a healthy attitude towards food/weight

YouHadMyCuriosity

That age is tough, especially if you're an early bloomer. I think it is an important time to try to grow self worth that is separate from your looks (easier said than done, I know).

Maybe try to focus on the things her body can DO rather than just what it looks like? For example, even though I have barely changed how I look at all since starting to lose weight, I feel so much more comfortable in my skin because lifting and working out gives me confidence. If she does activities, you can point out things like her legs are shaped like that because it gives her the power to run, etc. If she doesn't do physical activities, find her something that can put her in touch with her body instead of it being an enemy.

Everything in this post is great.

Kids can be so incredibly cruel. I'm so sorry your daughter had to experience that. Building self esteem through things she is good at is one thing that can be incredibly powerful, knowing that she has a supportive mother (which you obviously are, from your post), is one of the best things as well.

JaniePapageorgio

There's a movie called Miss Representation that talks about women in American society, especially in regards to what we teach young women in the media. It's on Netflix.

YouHadMyCuriosity

I just saw what misstrish95 posted, BEAUTIFUL! I love that point about kindness towards others, but also towards yourself.

ldrosophila

a lot of great advice id also throw in teach her that most of what is seen on media is fake. Does she have a father figure in her life who is supportive and can teach her that she is healthy and beautiful. Not that Mom isnt a great source to get your esteem, but that strong male influence is always beneficial to the self esteem.

misstrish95

a lot of great advice id also throw in teach her that most of what is seen on media is fake. Does she have a father figure in her life who is supportive and can teach her that she is healthy and beautiful. Not that Mom isnt a great source to get your esteem, but that strong male influence is always beneficial to the self esteem.

I completely understand where you're coming from, but I have to disagree!

Totally ignoring the "male-influence" thing, it is so important for young girls to find their self-esteem themselves. A parent's role in all of this should be to provide their children with the tools they need to find that confidence within themselves and to really make THEM see why they're beautiful/smart/etc. While it always feels great to have someone you look up to compliment your appearance and tell you how pretty you are, it teaches you to look for your self-worth in others.

I know this because for my entire childhood, I did not feel pretty unless I heard someone say it to me. If I did something good I immediately went looking for someone to give me their approval and wouldn't feel accomplished until then. Basically, I had no self-esteem of my own, so I believed that what others thought of me was the deciding factor as to if I was or was not something. Just recently, I was able to shake the compulsive need for acceptance and approval from those closest to me. But it gets really deeply engrained when you're brought up as such and I wouldn't recommend it for any child. And especially making a young girl crave male acceptance is just asking for trouble down the road.

My point: Male/female figures aside, it's worth the time and hard work to *help* your daughter get to the point where SHE see's how lovely she is ^^

I hope this makes sense!

SiouxsieSnowflake

Most of all, love yourself and your body openly and unconditionally, especially when around her.

ldrosophila

a lot of great advice id also throw in teach her that most of what is seen on media is fake. Does she have a father figure in her life who is supportive and can teach her that she is healthy and beautiful. Not that Mom isnt a great source to get your esteem, but that strong male influence is always beneficial to the self esteem.

I completely understand where you're coming from, but I have to disagree!

Totally ignoring the "male-influence" thing, it is so important for young girls to find their self-esteem themselves. A parent's role in all of this should be to provide their children with the tools they need to find that confidence within themselves and to really make THEM see why they're beautiful/smart/etc. While it always feels great to have someone you look up to compliment your appearance and tell you how pretty you are, it teaches you to look for your self-worth in others.

I know this because for my entire childhood, I did not feel pretty unless I heard someone say it to me. If I did something good I immediately went looking for someone to give me their approval and wouldn't feel accomplished until then. Basically, I had no self-esteem of my own, so I believed that what others thought of me was the deciding factor as to if I was or was not something. Just recently, I was able to shake the compulsive need for acceptance and approval from those closest to me. But it gets really deeply engrained when you're brought up as such and I wouldn't recommend it for any child. And especially making a young girl crave male acceptance is just asking for trouble down the road.

My point: Male/female figures aside, it's worth the time and hard work to *help* your daughter get to the point where SHE see's how lovely she is ^^

I hope this makes sense!

it was only half worded not so much male acceptance, but men have a completely different mindset when it comes to self acceptance. It's so much more different than females I'd almost venture to say it's innate. There was a great post on here by a father who's daughter was going through the same thing as OP, and how he handled it was just so beautiful. Basically, he was teaching his daughter that health and being able to move faster jump higher was more important. I wish I could find the post.

BeautyIsOnlySkinDeep

Tell her how beautiful she is everyday. After she gets dressed tell her you love her outfit or her new top is cute. Basically compliment her often but try to be genuine. Also, take her to get her hair done or her nails done. Sometimes a little extra beautifying is just what someone needs to remember that they are beautiful.

100toloose

I will absolutely use this!! This was probably one of the most useful comments I have ever read .Thanks for posting!

dukesduchess350

My daughter is 15 and she had a similar situation a couple years ago. She was not heavy at all. What I did was go for walks with her and just told her that we're getting some fresh air. I also would go to the mall to walk and I would tell her that I wanted to window shop. Eventually she caught on what I was doing but she started to have a better self esteem and she didn't let the bully girls at school bother her anymore. When they did bother her should would come home and ask if we could go for a walk then she would talk to me about what the girls would say. I would tell her not worry about what they say because every person was born differently and if we were all the same then this world would be too boring! That would always bring a huge smile to her face.

karl39x

If she is bigger than everyone else, then tell her to turn the tables on them. Picking on others is a great way to boost your self esteem.

taramaraa

That's such a difficult situation! I think just try and relate to her. You were ten once too. And (whilst I hope not), you may have experienced the same negativity she is too. Remember she is young and she is going to go through this no matter what, young children and teenagers can quite often be cruel. The most important part is how she comes back from it all. Teach her respect, for herself and for those 'friends'. Teach her self-love and why it's so important to remember that God made her perfect, just the way she is. Teach her resilience and help her to come back from this with only positivity. Remind her that some people aren't as fortunate as her and feel the need to lash out in order to compensate for ill-feelings. It's not that they are bad people, and it's not that they are right: it's that they are hurting and see that others should be on similar levels.

I used to go through that when I was in primary school. A lot. I wasn't overweight, I wasn't even big. I'd started puberty at 8yo and it was the worst thing to go through!

10yo is such a hard time for anyone, especially a young female. And unfortunately, I don't think it gets any better until you turn twenty! Teaching her appropriate and important life skills is so, so important.

Your aim as a parent is to raise this child into a fully functioning, independent and stable adult. Help her to focus on positivity rather than the negativity.

(If you do) Pray with her and help her seek God when she is feeling down. Help her learn that Jesus truly did die for her, He died so that she would be beautiful. He died so that she would feel equal. He died so that she could seek a Higher Truth.

These girls at school mean the world to her right now, because they are a huge part of her world. But she won't always see her that way. Part of your job is to protect her from the pains of the world. Not remove the pains, because that's impossible. But simply to protect her. Hug her. If she refuses, take her bowling. If she refuses, play a game with her. If she refuses, let her have her space, but let her know that you ARE right there and you want to enjoy being with her!

When I was ten, and I told my mum the same thing she lectured me about how beautiful I am, how wonderful I look and it meant nothing. I'm not saying don't do that: I'm saying don't focus on her looks. Her looks aren't actually what is important. Her life skills, her resilience, her strength and her courage is what is important. Really do your best to just simply relate to her.

Do things with her, active things too. Don't encourage unhealthy habits, but also don't enforce unhealthy habits! Bowling is good, as you're still doing something slightly active. Going for walks. Walking the dog. Playing footy at the oval in the park. Thing quality, active girl time! Just have fun. She's not going to feel that you're anything like her (until she's 20... lol!) She see's you as all-powerful mama and all you can do is to teach her with your words, with your heart and mostly with your actions!

Bless you both mama and daughter!

cafeaulait7

10-year-olds are idiots about a lot of things, especially about things like normal differences. I think I'd make sure to let any 10-year-old know that, lol. I'm serious! I know it hurts when your friends say something mean as a kid, but it might help her to know that they are pretty darned clueless at that age (and for a while).

And I'd also mention how shallow and hurtful it is. If anyone thinks anyone else is fat, they should keep it to themselves. So her friends also have terrible manners. I'd compliment her if she has more grace than that Don't let her think those kids are better than her when they are being toads!