What do you mean you 'don't like the way I look?'

Pedalpush
Pedalpush Posts: 246 Member
in Motivation and Support
The conversation started with "Don't take this the wrong way but..." My husband doesn't like my muscles. :cry:

I'm still a little stunned by it and don't quite know what to do. I mean, I can't make them go away and I'm not a small person (5'11" 186# working toward 175#). I know I can never expect to be smaller than a size 12 and any less than 170# on me is kind of gross. I don't have a problem with that. He doesn't take issue with my size, but that I continue to lift and be proud of my solid results. He wonders why I want to look like a man.

Truth is, I don't. I have always listened to those who say "Lifting won't make you big and bulky." But... I am getting very big and bulky. I don't want to stop lifting because it feels so good and I need to support a tricky lower back. I lift what I can to get three reps of 12 - 15; two or three muscles per workout, one or two different exercises per muscle; I do the basic machines and some free weights; I'll also do 10-40 min of cardio depending on how much time I have.

My question to y'all is: how do I lean out?

Maybe it's finally time to seriously tweak the diet. I gave up drinking for a few months, but didn't notice any difference, so I went back to an average of a drink a day. I could definitely take in more protein, but I feel like the parameters on this site are completely wrong... I could use a little guidance especially from the ladies who may be dealing with or have dealt with the same issue.
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Replies

  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    Psychological.
    On the plus side, if he doesn't like your muscles . . . well, eat more. The only difference between definition and a 'soft' look is body fat.
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member

    My question to y'all is: how do I lean out?

    Well that really sucks to hear from your spouse.

    To "lean out".....comes down to losing weight.....

    Keep doing your weight lifting I say......but just drop calories......
  • __freckles__
    __freckles__ Posts: 1,238 Member
    Are you eating at a deficit or surplus?
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    *laughs*
    So far the advice is eat more, eat less, and how much are you eating?
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    If you don't like it, then by all means adjust things, but don't do it because he doesn't like it....

    First, you've got some weight to lose. Your muscle will lean out a lot once you get closer to your goal. I really think this is the key to the results you want. Right now your muscles are puffy due to the fat that is around them. Get rid of the fat and they will slim down.


    You could also read this:

    http://bretcontreras.com/how-to-attain-a-slender-look-like-jessica-alba-zoe-saldana/

    ETA: I think you do need more protein. I'd go for 100 at least, probably closer to 130 at your size.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    The conversation started with "Don't take this the wrong way but..." My husband doesn't like my muscles. :cry:

    I'm still a little stunned by it and don't quite know what to do. I mean, I can't make them go away and I'm not a small person (5'11" 186# working toward 175#). I know I can never expect to be smaller than a size 12 and any less than 170# on me is kind of gross. I don't have a problem with that. He doesn't take issue with my size, but that I continue to lift and be proud of my solid results. He wonders why I want to look like a man.

    Truth is, I don't. I have always listened to those who say "Lifting won't make you big and bulky." But... I am getting very big and bulky. I don't want to stop lifting because it feels so good and I need to support a tricky lower back. I lift what I can to get three reps of 12 - 15; two or three muscles per workout, one or two different exercises per muscle; I do the basic machines and some free weights; I'll also do 10-40 min of cardio depending on how much time I have.

    My question to y'all is: how do I lean out?

    Maybe it's finally time to seriously tweak the diet. I gave up drinking for a few months, but didn't notice any difference, so I went back to an average of a drink a day. I could definitely take in more protein, but I feel like the parameters on this site are completely wrong... I could use a little guidance especially from the ladies who may be dealing with or have dealt with the same issue.

    you pretty much nailed it with the "serious about tweaking the diet" aspect.

    I've NEVER been small. (well not for a long long while) and when I finally started tinkering- I literally zapped 15 lbs (essentially on accident) I wasn't trying- I just started dialing it in)

    After I saw that happen- I was like *kitten* I CAN DO THIS!! and started really getting serious about it.

    That should be the focus I suspect. You can also start doing some steady state cardio- that will help drive the deficit up (larger).

    My next thought is- when he says that- tell him you don't like your man looking like a woman - and when he gets offended ask him how he likes it when people give unsolicited opinions about the way you view your body.

    (unless of course he's jack diesel in which case that's not going to work- but anyone who says that about their woman I have seen- in my highly unscientific observations- isn't a heavy lifter themselves)

    shrug- sorry for your luck there boss- Keep lifting- and dial in your diet and see what happens!
  • iamanadult
    iamanadult Posts: 709 Member
    What an *kitten*. Do you like your muscles?
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
    *laughs*
    So far the advice is eat more, eat less, and how much are you eating?

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    For her to lean out though will come down to dropping calories.
    Not eating more.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,323 Member
    What an *kitten*. Do you like your muscles?

    this.

    i hate to read that someone who has dedicated a lot of time and effort is debating changing what they've achieved to appease someone else.

    sorry that he said this to you.

    honestly, my vote is to say "tough *kitten*, sweetie"

    ETA: i think you look awesome. no "manly bulk" there.
  • dirty_dirty_eater
    dirty_dirty_eater Posts: 574 Member
    You look amazing to me. :love:

    Beat him till he's your beyotch and then explain to him what he will or will not like.
    :flowerforyou:
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    *laughs*
    So far the advice is eat more, eat less, and how much are you eating?

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    For her to lean out though will come down to dropping calories.
    Not eating more.


    True - but my thought was if it was her muscle definition he dislikes (because I think she's already eating at a deficit being she has a weight loss goal) then she should pack more fat on top of dem guns.

    If she cuts but keeps lifting he's going to freak out when he can see that definition.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Do you like every aspect of his body? If not, seems like a great time to make your complains known.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    No expert here, but I would think increasing cardio in your routine and scaling back on lifting might help.

    Also, I do agree that you should be happy with your body. He should be happy as long as you are happy.
  • Mainebikerchick
    Mainebikerchick Posts: 1,573 Member
    What an *kitten*. Do you like your muscles?

    this.

    i hate to read that someone who has dedicated a lot of time and effort is debating changing what they've achieved to appease someone else.

    sorry that he said this to you.

    honestly, my vote is to say "tough *kitten*, sweetie"

    ETA: i think you look awesome. no "manly bulk" there.

    Definitely agree with this!!
  • redheaddee
    redheaddee Posts: 2,005 Member
    What an *kitten*. Do you like your muscles?

    this.

    i hate to read that someone who has dedicated a lot of time and effort is debating changing what they've achieved to appease someone else.

    sorry that he said this to you.

    honestly, my vote is to say "tough *kitten*, sweetie"

    ETA: i think you look awesome. no "manly bulk" there.

    +one million. Maybe I am just a b!tch, but I would look at my DH and ask if it is because I can kick his @ss. ("don't make me deadlift yo' @ss" were my exact words last time he ticked me off.)

    ETA I think you look wonderful, and that profile pic is super cute. :flowerforyou:

    ETAgain dear god the typos.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Psychological.
    On the plus side, if he doesn't like your muscles . . . well, eat more. The only difference between definition and a 'soft' look is body fat.

    thats what i was thinking perfect excuse to eat cookie dough between lifts
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    You look amazing to me. :love:

    Beat him till he's your beyotch and then explain to him what he will or will not like.
    :flowerforyou:

    this is probably the best approach men need to be told what they like and if you sit on his face it's even more convincing
  • mrsamanda86
    mrsamanda86 Posts: 869 Member
    I creeped your pictures, and judging by the man I'm assuming is your husband, if those are recent... I would say he probably is just upset that you look more in shape than he does. Maybe it's just that, and he's not willing to change right now so he doesn't want you looking "better than him".
  • j6o4
    j6o4 Posts: 871 Member
    If you're bulky, eat less and get smaller.
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
    *laughs*
    So far the advice is eat more, eat less, and how much are you eating?

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    For her to lean out though will come down to dropping calories.
    Not eating more.


    True - but my thought was if it was her muscle definition he dislikes (because I think she's already eating at a deficit being she has a weight loss goal) then she should pack more fat on top of dem guns.

    If she cuts but keeps lifting he's going to freak out when he can see that definition.

    Ok, I see what you're saying....
    Maybe I am looking at it from the wrong perspective.....

    I was thinking she meant he didn't like seeing her "getting bigger".....so moving towards a more thicker, more muscular look....

    So he would prefer a more sleeker/toned look instead.....

    So I may have been wrong from my view of it.
  • Rosplosion
    Rosplosion Posts: 739 Member
    You are amazing. Look at those GUNS and your tattoo is super cute. I think you're beautiful and HAWT. Maybe your man isn't working out? Maybe your rockin body is getting to him? Sometimes insecurities get the best of everyone. It sounds like something you'd need to talk with him about.

    But, MFP tells you how to lose weight, you're doing it. You look amazing. YOU LOOK AMAZING.
  • SexKittenlovesitrough
    SexKittenlovesitrough Posts: 486
    I creeped your pictures, and judging by the man I'm assuming is your husband, if those are recent... I would say he probably is just upset that you look more in shape than he does. Maybe it's just that, and he's not willing to change right now so he doesn't want you looking "better than him".

    QFT....you kinda look out of his league....

    so he may just be worried...

    that's all
  • KatrinaWilke
    KatrinaWilke Posts: 372 Member
    The only way for you to "lean out' is by losing weight. But you already said you don't want to lose too much weight. So I really don't think you can get leaner.
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    *laughs*
    So far the advice is eat more, eat less, and how much are you eating?

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    For her to lean out though will come down to dropping calories.
    Not eating more.


    True - but my thought was if it was her muscle definition he dislikes (because I think she's already eating at a deficit being she has a weight loss goal) then she should pack more fat on top of dem guns.

    If she cuts but keeps lifting he's going to freak out when he can see that definition.

    Ok, I see what you're saying....
    Maybe I am looking at it from the wrong perspective.....

    I was thinking she meant he didn't like seeing her "getting bigger".....so moving towards a more thicker, more muscular look....

    So he would prefer a more sleeker/toned look instead.....

    So I may have been wrong from my view of it.

    *shrugs* I just thought it was funny :-) Equally valid bits of advice depending on the circumstances.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    *laughs*
    So far the advice is eat more, eat less, and how much are you eating?

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    For her to lean out though will come down to dropping calories.
    Not eating more.


    True - but my thought was if it was her muscle definition he dislikes (because I think she's already eating at a deficit being she has a weight loss goal) then she should pack more fat on top of dem guns.

    If she cuts but keeps lifting he's going to freak out when he can see that definition.

    That's a great observation, but without the dude here to speak for himself, it may not be accurate. Aesthetics is an incredibly personal thing - it may be that definition with additional leanness totally works for him. Personally, I don't like the "stuffed armchair" look of bodies that a both muscular and fat.

    IMO it's important to remember that there are no wrong answers here - he's not a douche for liking what he likes, and neither is she for her preferences.
  • Fullsterkur_woman
    Fullsterkur_woman Posts: 2,712 Member
    I'd just shrug and tell him my body is not a democracy, then bust out some more pullups. Or, I would, if I had your effing awesome guns. When's gonna be my time? When, lord, when?! *shakes fist at sky*
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
    I'd just shrug and tell him my body is not a democracy, then bust out some more pullups.

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
    i'm not sure why everyone is calling the husband an *kitten*. he has a question, an opinion and a voice, and he used all three. too bad, so sad if his views don't line up exactly with what the the OP and the forum regulars want to hear. if a strong marriage is founded on communication then he should be allowed to communicate things besides which his wife wants to hear. "I don't like" should be allowed. If he says "Do what I say or I'm outty", that's an entirely different matter.

    Anyway, my advice is that the OP keep eating in a deficit so that she can cut more fat. Eating more will just contribute to her muscle gains (this is assuming she doesn't want any more muscle gains). Once she gets to the general size she wants to be that would be the "eat more" time, not now. And if I was her (and didn't want to gain muscle) I would lower my volume, starting with cutting my sets down from reps of 12-15 to reps of 5. Maybe occasional reps to 8, but mostly in that 3-6 range. I'd also cut my total exercises down to 1 per muscle group, maybe occasionally do 2, but probably not three.

    TL:DR: Fewer calories, fewer sets, fewer reps.
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
    *laughs*
    So far the advice is eat more, eat less, and how much are you eating?

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    For her to lean out though will come down to dropping calories.
    Not eating more.


    True - but my thought was if it was her muscle definition he dislikes (because I think she's already eating at a deficit being she has a weight loss goal) then she should pack more fat on top of dem guns.

    If she cuts but keeps lifting he's going to freak out when he can see that definition.
    She could probably lose about twenty to twenty five more pounds..., then maybe add 3 or 4 back in fat if she looked too lean.
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
    Anyway, my advice is that the OP keep eating in a deficit so that she can cut more fat. Eating more will just contribute to her muscle gains (this is assuming she doesn't want any more muscle gains). Once she gets to the general size she wants to be that would be the "eat more" time, not now. And if I was her (and didn't want to gain muscle) I would lower my volume, starting with cutting my sets down from reps of 12-15 to reps of 5. Maybe occasional reps to 8, but mostly in that 3-6 range. I'd also cut my total exercises down to 1 per muscle group, maybe occasionally do 2, but probably not three.

    TL:DR: Fewer calories, fewer sets, fewer reps.
    or i could have read this first and said this^

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