I need some help/reassurance (Anorexia Recovery)

law_of_inertia

Hello everyone - I know that this may seem like a strange piece of advice to ask on a website specifically catering to calorie counting, but I've been a reader of these forums for a while now and everyone here seems incredibly sensible and rational when it comes to giving out support, and so I feel like this is the only real place I'd feel comfortable posting this.

I'm attempting recovery from Anorexia Nervosa. It's been a tremendous struggle that I've had to face for the past 7 years - during that time span, I've severely restricted my caloric intake (usually <700 per day) and overexercised mostly in the form of cardio and some strength training - at 5'3, my lowest weight was 64 pounds. I've gone on to gain weight since then (although still in the underweight range; I've been in inpatient treatment several times and been weight restored, only to lose back the weight during a relapse), but an expected byproduct of being in starvation for so long is that any muscle I once had is completely ravaged, and from what I've read, most of the weight that I'll be needing to gain to get back into a healthy weight range will be in the form of fat.

I'm a little worried that this is going to result in normal-weight obesity, or "skinny-fat syndrome". I know that part of recovery is learning to accept my body however it looks, but I know that this would make it even more difficult. I've read some posts from the archives of MFP about recovering Anorexics who were in this predicament (or just people in general), and most recommended starting up a well-planned bulk/cut cycle to lower body fat and then go on to gain muscle through a rigid strength training plan. Here's the thing - I know for a fact that once I choose to fully recover, I cannot count calories or follow any sort of exercise routine that focuses on specific weight loss/muscle gain/etc type goals. Any time that I've attempted recovery while still being specifically fitness orientated, even if they were perfectly healthy and involved eating a caloric surplus, I've gone on to relapse due to the fact that my obsessive personality just gets in the way. Even using exercise machines showing calories burned is often enough to switch the ED back on in my mind. I think really the best thing I can do is just accept that this is something that I'm going to need to be careful about for the rest of my life in order to prevent relapse.

What I'm asking is how I can just be "casually healthy" and do something about high body fat/low muscle - casually exercising a healthy amount, casually eating well without being obsessive about "eating clean", without counting calories or adopting a specific exercise routine and not being "skinny-fat"? I feel almost silly asking this, but I'd like to get some muscle back...is there any way that I can do this while still adopting this "casual" approach? Or do you absolutely need to carefully monitor your macronutrients/exercise routine to gain any?

Thank you!

TwinkieDong

I'm no doctor here and well know nothing of anorexia. However I would somehow find something you love food wise and partake in that food to gain weight. Seems like you are already exercising.

none the less I am sure there are several members here that have been in your shoes and or understand enough to intelligently reply to your message.

Just know help is available

law_of_inertia

I'm no doctor here and well know nothing of anorexia. However I would somehow find something you love food wise and partake in that food to gain weight. Seems like you are already exercising.

none the less I am sure there are several members here that have been in your shoes and or understand enough to intelligently reply to your message.

Just know help is available

Thank you! I'm just truly struggling with the feeling that my body is "punishing" me for trying to get better...I often feel as though I've ruined everything (body, relationships, life, etc, etc) already and that it's too late to recover, although I know this is untrue.

cafeaulait7

I was never anorexic, but I got down to a scary-low BMI because of a disease that took a while for docs to diagnose. Once I got treatment, I was still left with huge muscle loss and low BF, so I hope my experience helps.

I ate regularly and had to carry a heavy backpack (50 lbs and I only then weighed upwards of 100) around on a long trip So that was like weight lifting, lol. Anyway, I gained soooo much muscle that summer! I didn't get the least bit fat but I put on a lot of healthy lbs.

So I'd say just lift heavy (for you) weights consistently and eat 'normally'. I don't think you have to watch much while putting on muscle; just eat kind of a lot and do eat meat or other protein sources. Best of luck!!

QuietBloom

Until you get your weight back into a healthy range, your body will not function properly. You need a healthy hormone balance in order to gain muscle.

Avoid cardio right now, and focus on getting your calories in, and focus especially hard on your macros.

Good luck!

Editing to add: You can 'bulk' without counting calories once your weight is back up, should you choose to do so. Same with a cut. But I agree that you need to be super careful about not getting obsessive about the numbers (calories, weight, burns, etc).