So frustrated with my famliy

KAlderman75

I have been doing well for the past 2 months and I'm down 14 lbs. A month ago my mother in law comes back from visiting family. Ever since, any of the healthy food that I buy she feels that she needs to eat or make it for the whole family. I spent $40 yesterday so I could have salad stuff for the next week or so, but 75% of it is gone now. I buy wraps so I'm not eating white bread, but she eats them all. I buy breakfast shakes for myself and she gives them to my kids. And then she turns around and makes 3 batches of brownies and 3 trays of cookies. So after she eats all the healthy stuff that I buy, then I have to eat all the fried, fattening and salty foods that she makes. I'm just about to the point that I want to give up. I wish I knew what to do......:frown:

ladynocturne

You should probably communicate and tell her how you feel.

I'm sure you can work something out as to either ask her to pitch in with money so when you go shopping, you get extra for her, or politely ask her to go shopping for herself and not eat what you've purchased. Not sure what the situation is that your MIL is living with you, but I'm sure that it is complicated.

Also you don't have to eat anything she cooks, you can literally go to the grocery store or pick up some moderately healthy take out. A lot of restaurants have salads and wraps with low cal dressings available.

Sreneesa

I would communicate with her and let her and the entire family know what you are trying to accomplish and how you would appreciate it if they could be more supportive....ofcourse be very tactful in your presentation.

Also, buy a cooler and put your stuff in it and write you name on it with a marker. I know it sounds childish and petty but you can also tell them that the stuff in your cooler is your food due to you having special dietary needs that you set for yourself.

But communication is the key. I'm sure if you talk to her and express yourself tactfully, she will understand... at least I hope.

KAlderman75

She is the type of person that if she doesn't get her way, she makes it miserable for everyone in the house. So, if I were to ask her, it would just make her mad.

ladynocturne

She is the type of person that if she doesn't get her way, she makes it miserable for everyone in the house. So, if I were to ask her, it would just make her mad.

I guess you have to decide what the bigger priority is, yourself, or making your MIL angry.

I'm going to assume (which I hate to) that you are living with your MIL due to not being able to live on your own, therefore cannot give her the option of finding her own place to live if she is going to choose to behave that way.

WallyH4EverVersion

It sounds she is trying to sabotage your weight loss , with her passive aggressive attitude. What are her issues with you?

Sreneesa

She is the type of person that if she doesn't get her way, she makes it miserable for everyone in the house. So, if I were to ask her, it would just make her mad.

Tough one indeed as its hard to step on the in-laws toes....

But, honestly, this is a discussion that needs to be had in order for your to continue on your journey.

I do not know your circumstances but if your wife is around, talk to her about talking to her mother.

As I said above, I think you need to sit the entire family down and reiterate your goals and what you are trying to accomplish. Tell them I'm putting my food in a cooler and its for my dietary needs. Leave it at that.

If you do not address it, I'm assuming or thinking it will continue to get worse and full fledge resentment will kick in towards your mother in law and that can boil over to something even bigger and disrespectful... Nip in the bud now...


Edit: Just read something above. If you are living with her then that is a very sticky situation....but I still say talk to them all. What choice to you really have... or or or


Get a mini fridge and keep it in your room! That solves the problem right there.

JJordon

*Looks at watch* Looks like it's time to man up.

I've been where you've been with a significant other.

Basically, it goes something like this...You're either the man of the house.. or just a flunky.

Cause it looks like someone is making that decision for you.

You can be miserable and angry or you can be miserable and doing what you need/want to do, to make yourself into the person you wish to be.

Decide now.

S_of_Montreal

Buy a frig that you can lock!

Fishshtick

I have been doing well for the past 2 months and I'm down 14 lbs. A month ago my mother in law comes back from visiting family. Ever since, any of the healthy food that I buy she feels that she needs to eat or make it for the whole family. I spent $40 yesterday so I could have salad stuff for the next week or so, but 75% of it is gone now. I buy wraps so I'm not eating white bread, but she eats them all. I buy breakfast shakes for myself and she gives them to my kids. And then she turns around and makes 3 batches of brownies and 3 trays of cookies. So after she eats all the healthy stuff that I buy, then I have to eat all the fried, fattening and salty foods that she makes. I'm just about to the point that I want to give up. I wish I knew what to do......:frown:

Good job on the 14 lbs! I feel your pain. I can't get my family to cut the junk food and it is a very difficult temptation. Even harder when you can't make the best use of the healthy stuff you buy. But don't let other's actions, even when they are disruptive, become an excuse to not do what you know you need to do for yourself. That can very quickly become an excuse to hide from your own responsibilities. Have you just told her that you are doing this diet thing and that if others want to share in the foods you like for you diet then you all just need to plan to buy more of those things?

I know it sounds extreme, but if you really think having your favorite dieting foods around is key and others wont't work with you, go get a mini fridge and storage crate for your own special foods and lay down the law that what is in those spaces is yours alone, even if you have to lock them. Also, when it comes to being dished salty, fatty foods, just enter them right into MFP and show your mother-in-law why you are not going to have a portion or as big of a portion as other people. I don't know why it is some people take it personally if you say you are on a diet and won't have (more of) something, but if they really are that way you are not going to change things short of just being blunt about it.

meshashesha2012

She is the type of person that if she doesn't get her way, she makes it miserable for everyone in the house. So, if I were to ask her, it would just make her mad.

\

then sounds like this is a good time for her to learn good behavior.

i really think people like that get away with stuff because no one's got the balls to stand up to them.it's even possible that she doesn't even realize that her behavior stinks.

i say tell her what you've told us. if she gets huffy/passive aggressive/etc then i'd tell her that as long as she's going to act like a child i'm going to treat her like one (ie giving her a curfew, grilling her on everything she does, etc).

ok maybe that last point is a bit too much (treating her like a child) but IF she did start to act that way i'd at least have to remind her that she's an adult and she needs to start communicating like one.

Sreneesa

She is the type of person that if she doesn't get her way, she makes it miserable for everyone in the house. So, if I were to ask her, it would just make her mad.

\

then sounds like this is a good time for her to learn good behavior.

i really think people like that get away with stuff because no one's got the balls to stand up to them.it's even possible that she doesn't even realize that her behavior stinks.

i say tell her what you've told us. if she gets huffy/passive aggressive/etc then i'd tell her that as long as she's going to act like a child i'm going to treat her like one (ie giving her a curfew, grilling her on everything she does, etc).

ok maybe that last point is a bit too much (treating her like a child) but IF she did start to act that way i'd at least have to remind her that she's an adult and she needs to start communicating like one.

Eckkkk.. I don't know about that approach. If it was my mother, husband or not, you will not talk to my mother like that.

and also he might live with her.... we do not know all the info...

pinkiemarie252

This entire discussion makes me wonder if he lives with her or if she lives with him and why. Sounds like a terrible situation (my mom is freakin nuts so if she's really like he says, I totally understand how bad it can be).

katalinax87

Its difficult because its not your mother so if it descends into a massive row or tension then your partner is going to be stuck in a horrible position between you both.

How on side if your partner about your goals? I would speak to them first and decide on the best course of action.

Ke11er

Sounds complicate and frustrating for you. But, there is a silver lining! Apparently your children enjoy and make healthy choices with food! Perhaps just point out that you've noticed how willing and eager they are to make the most nutritious choices from what's available...and then get the adults on board for them? Growing children shouldn't be eating "low-cal" but if they love including salads and veggies that's a great habit to have!

lngrunert

My advice would totally depend on if she is living in your house, or if you are living in hers.

dynamitegalxo

I'm sorry, you're a grown-*kitten* man. Is there a reason you're putting up with this? It's your house, your food, and your money. Regardless of whether this is your mother in law, whoever is messing with your stuff needs to be shut down. Come on now.

blueham5

Buy your own mini fridge with a padlock and keep it in your room.

Love4fitnesslove4food2

I'm confused at why you wouldn't want your kids to eat the same way as you. There are no special foods required for you to reach your goals.

1) Buy wheat bread--you don't need wraps as they're more expensive and make no real difference.

2) eat eggs, yogurt, toast, oatmeal, fruit, whole grain cereal for breakfast. you don't need shakes.

3) have veggies with low fat dip, chicken breast/turkey/other lean protein, and another veg or starch as a meal instead of such expensive salads.

4) snack on hard boiled eggs, peanut butter and apple/banana, veggies + hummus/dip, or other healthier items instead of cookies/brownies and feed the same foods to your kids

hstoblish

1. My husband and I have an arrangement where he deals with the **** on his side of the family and I deal with mine. Your wife should talk to her mother about it, but...

2. I think there is an even better way to do it. Next time you're on your way out for groceries say something casual like "I'm going to get extra XYZ, because you guys seemed to like it so much! Can I grab anything else for you?" Or even more pointedly, say to your MIL, "I noticed you liked XYZ. I'll get extra so we don't run out this week." It's awesome that you're trying to eat better, and it's not a bad thing that your mother in law is giving healthy foods to your kids.

3. Even better! Get involved with cooking and meal planning for the whole family. My husband is our food manager and he does a fantastic job of getting us high quality healthy foods.

spatulathumbs

So does she own the house you both live in, or do you? And what does your partner think of this behavior?

HollisGrant

I have been doing well for the past 2 months and I'm down 14 lbs. A month ago my mother in law comes back from visiting family. Ever since, any of the healthy food that I buy she feels that she needs to eat or make it for the whole family. I spent $40 yesterday so I could have salad stuff for the next week or so, but 75% of it is gone now. I buy wraps so I'm not eating white bread, but she eats them all. I buy breakfast shakes for myself and she gives them to my kids. And then she turns around and makes 3 batches of brownies and 3 trays of cookies. So after she eats all the healthy stuff that I buy, then I have to eat all the fried, fattening and salty foods that she makes. I'm just about to the point that I want to give up. I wish I knew what to do......:frown:

Sit down with her and talk to her in a nice way.

Talk or not, I would buy a second refrigerator. You might need one in a house with a lot of people with different food lifestyles. If you look at sales you can get a small refrigerator for $100-200. Keep the second fridge in your garage or basement. You can also buy a lock for the door -- they make them just for refrigerators. That might cause WWIIII in your house, though.

Mr_Knight

I wish I knew what to do......:frown:

At the risk of stating the obvious...you could start by talking to her instead of to the internet.

Ejourneys

I feel your pain.
I've been helped by watching episodes of Cesar Millan's "The Dog Whisperer." Problem dogs throw a fit when they don't get their way, and Millan says, "This is good. We want this." He holds his position (whatever it has to be) and lets the dog go nuts, until the dog's rage is used up.

If only people learned as quickly as dogs do. :-)

Here's what helps me:
1. Don't take it personally. This includes personal attacks on you. It's not you, it's your MIL. This is her noise, and noise is all it is. View it as that. Learning this kind of detachment is hard, but it is possible. Just keep practicing.
2. When she tries to draw you into a conversation and manipulate you, ask yourself, "Will my saying anything make a difference?" If the conversation is her same old schtick, chances are the answer is no. I have said, "I am not participating in this conversation." The other person keeps on talking and tells me how dysfunctional I am. It's noise. I invoke #1 and hold my tongue. Sometimes this means I deep-six my ego for a while, but in truth I'm making it stronger.
3. Practice deep breathing and ways of staying calm. I play music in my head. I let the other person's noise become a buzz. I focus on letting my shoulders relax. Once I've told her I'm done with the conversation, I don't answer her questions. I don't take her bait. She can insult me all she wants; it doesn't matter. (In my case, this is someone with mental illness and brain damage from MS, so I remind myself that it's the disease, not the person.) Eventually she calms down.
4. Remember that responding to a toxic person fuels that toxicity. Let them run out of steam. Chances are they will when they realize they can't get a rise out of you. They'll probably keep trying, on and off. If I'm not feeling at my best, I slip and blow a gasket, but then I get right back on the wagon. As with weight loss, this is all one day at a time. The goal is to reduce your stress in the midst of the other person's chaos.

Similarly, the way to deal with a child's temper tantrum is to ignore it:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams

For example, "That's what parents Noemi and David Doudna of Sunnyvale, Calif., found. Their daughter Katrina once had a meltdown at dinnertime because she wanted to sit at one corner of the dining table. Problem was, the table didn't have any corners – it was round. When David Doudna asked Katrina where she wanted to sit, the tantrum only intensified."

I remember that article when I've got an adult's tantrum on my hands.

I love the idea of the separate fridge. Also, you are under no obligation to eat what your MIL dishes out.
Congrats on losing the 14 pounds and Kudos on quitting smoking! Keep taking good care of yourself; it will help you deal with the drama. As Millan puts it, be calm and assertive. It's a learning process, but you've got this.

Fivepts

I'm wondering the same things. Are you living with her or is she living with you? Who is paying the bills? If you are living with her and she doesn't respect your wishes then maybe it's time to take your family and live elsewhere. If she is living with you then firstly, you and your wife need to be on the same page as to what you and your family will eat and how to respect and honor each other's wishes. If she's just visiting, then you can probably put up with a little junk food for awhile or else take over the kitchen and make sure everyone your kids eat healthy along with you.