What bothers me...just need to vent.

wide2bride

First thing first...my name is Danielle. I'm 29 years old and 178lbs and I've been here before on and off for about 3 years trying to learn my body and figure out this whole process. I have traveled the world of binge eating to starvation and currently I eat fairly clean though there have been some holiday slipups lately and exercise HARD at a minimum of 3 days/hours per week.

There are always going to be good days and bad days and today is just one of those rough mental days. I woke up and decided to make a list of things that are bothering me in efforts to just put them all on the table as a first step to letting go and moving forward. Then I thought, why not share. I know I certainly can't be alone in my thoughts/feelings even though it feels that way sometimes.

So here is what puts my panties in a bunch:

*I am seldom full, occasionally satisfied, usually hungry and consistently gaining weight. 10lbs over the last year (despite efforts to lose)

*When I started dieting I was angry with myself and restricted to a goal of below 1200 calories and even though it was hard, I did it. I had the discipline (even though that was way too low for me) to do it. Now it takes extreme effort to stay below 2500. Why?

*I workout and gain weight, where as friends do nothing and maintain effortlessly. I feel like I got the short end of the stick.

*I don't sleep well because I am always waking up (at least 4-5 times a night) and I raid the fridge in what I think is hunger. I just want to sleep!!

* I think about food 24/7. My day and happiness relies on it. I feel like a prisoner.

*I tend to get very emotional and sometimes cry when i'm hungry and it's been too long since my last meal. (I usually eat 5 meals a day)

*I enjoy exercise, but I want to do it just because I love the feeling. Not because I am terrified of my slow regression back to 213 lbs.

*I often feel socially outcast/unaccepted due to my fear and refusal to fully participate in a "night out", potluck or house party. My thought process is always that if I eat that cookie or have a drink with calories i'm going to be even MORE hungry and get fatter and I just can't deal with that.

Well, there we have it. I am actually a fairly positive person most of the time, but like I said...we all have days. Today is my day to complain and stomp my feet and pout. Tomorrow I will move on. Thanks for listening

chiccam

I think it would be beneficially for you to track every morsel that you eat so when your mind tells you that your body is hungry you can look at what you've had so far and know that it's not true hunger.

Also as far as feeling satisfied you may want to add variety, new spices etc to your meals. I know if I eat what I want whenever I want I'm never satisfied. But if I cut down on carbs or sugars and eat clean foods it's much more satisfying.

Also make sure you've had blood work done. I was gaining weight while working with a trainer and found out my thyroid was messed up (still trying to stabilize). You should have your blood sugar and female hormones checked too.
Good luck! Add me if you'd like.

Vicks1978

aww bless you
here are my thoughts on this..
what I find helped was to clear all my cupboards of any rubbish...
I no longer buy cakes, biscuits, treats at the supermarket
I always make a healthy food list before going shopping, and try to do as much of my shopping at the local grocers.
How about meal planning too? My main aim doing this was actually to save money as I am struggling on a reduced salary.
This meant I was planning all my meals/snacks ahead and meant I couldn't just raid the fridge/cupboards and if I want something to eat, I have to cook it. That might help you thinking about food in the night.
You say you never feel full, start logging everything on here and focus on protein, because the more you can fill up on protein enriched foods, the fuller you will feel for longer, it deffo works for me.
Also, the more exercise you do, maybe that will help you sleep better, and they say we need good sleep to lose weight.
I no longer go to social occasions or nights out and I no longer feel embarrassed about declining...everyone is different, some just arent into drinking and partying and I love nothing more than a night at home in my PJ's cuddled up on my sofa. Each to their own, and I don't give a damn who thinks I'm weird, my mum is always telling me to go out more, she has more of a social life than me!! and i'm just like 'mum, everyone is different, i like to do different things to what you like to do' and if people don't like it its tough!
You have to think of yourself and focus on you, make you and your health your priority
Hope this might help in some way.
Good luck x

Readytolose2014

I just wanted to say that maybe you should get your thyroid checked because that can cause you to gain weight for no reason.

Budda1960

Like you say Danielle, we all have bad days. Don't be too hard on yourself as it sounds like you've done fantastically well from where you started out. If you could do it then, you can do it now. With the clear determination you have previously shown and the help and support of others, including those on this site, YOU WILL BE OK ! Trust yourself.

11Arachne11

I second another poster's suggestion to have your thyroid checked, in fact, if you can, visit a doctor and have a complete blood work up done.
I am considerably older than you and have struggled with my weight all my life. Two years ago, I visited a new doctor for another reason--she looked at me and how muscular I am--I mentioned I walk and walk and do weights, never eat out, and watch what I eat. I was 286 lbs. She had a complete blood panel done on me and I had a barely functioning thyroid. I think it has not worked well for many years.
All these years and I listened to people make fat jokes about "glands" and I have discovered that in my case, it was true.
I take Synthroid every day and it is not a magical solution, HOWEVER, my food plan and exercise actually benefit my body and I now weigh 230--I know, still outrageous but without the blood work up and the attention of a decent doctor, I hate to think where I would be right now. I am not constantly hungry, cold, low energy any longer. I feel kind of normal and if I restrict my food intake to 1700 cal a day I lose a couple lbs a week.
Your body might be telling you something--I wish I had listened to mine instead of other people so much.
You have my sympathy--I know exactly what you are talking about. I did not feel like going out when I was young either and I think with me it was because I was not well.
P.S.--you don't sleep well? Yeah, me either and I ate in the evenings so I could get a good night's sleep. I sleep though the night now with a normal dinner.

wide2bride

Thank you all sincerely for your thoughtfulness! I was somewhat hesitant to post on the forum because I am no rookie here and I know some of the heartless and insensitive things that people say behind a computer screen.

I will absolutely be looking to expand my spice rack and food variety as I will admit I have become somewhat routine and some change up where I don't feel so limited in my choices certainly can't hurt anything.

I also am going to go back to 100% logging, as difficult to fit into the day as it can be. Knowledge is power!
I do a great deal of food prep actually, so I don't suffer there most of the year

As far as medically, I do now have a medical history. I have had lots of blood work done because for about a year I quit getting my menstrual cycle. My fitness instructor told me to increase my calories because I wasn't eating enough (I laugh at this now since at that point I had a really hard time physically doing this and now I cant keep food out of my face). My Dr. said he didn't believe this to be cause, but couldn't offer me another explanation. I was just told that my estrogen was extremely low and I was put on birth control to regulate it and I did get my cycle back. My thyroid was also checked and the response was "well, your thyroid is a little slow, but your body is compensating for it"...whatever that means, I wasn't given medication.

And the sleep thing....Im still trying to get help figuring that one out. Its been suggested that I may be low on healthy fats or some nutrient so we will see.

I may have hit a bump in the road, but i'm not a quitter so onward I go!

_SABOTEUR_

I'd say that you have some serious emotional issues surrounding your food.

Perhaps you could seek help regarding this.

Otherwise make sure you weigh and log everything before you eat it. If you are eating for reasons other than hunger this may give you the time to reconsider whether you actually need to eat that food.

Also, restricting yourself below 1200 cals and bingeing are two side of the same coin in relation to a bad relationship with food imo.

Good luck!

PikaKnight

I'd say that you have some serious emotional issues surrounding your food.

Perhaps you could seek help regarding this.

Otherwise make sure you weigh and log everything before you eat it. If you are eating for reasons other than hunger this may give you the time to reconsider whether you actually need to eat that food.

Also, restricting yourself below 1200 cals and bingeing are two side of the same coin in relation to a bad relationship with food imo.

Good luck!

^All of this for sure.

Here are some links with some great info/tips:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/872212-you-re-probably-eating-more-than-you-think

http://body-improvements.com/2013/05/24/undiet-your-diet/

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1122891-9-reasons-fat-loss-is-always-slower-than-you-d-like

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1105036-article-on-flexible-dieting-by-armi-legge?page=1#posts-17068746

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/ihad/view/the-myth-of-good-and-bad-foods-by-eric-helms-588801

http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/fat-loss/why-big-caloric-deficits-and-lots-of-activity-can-hurt-fat-loss.html

jeridith

For me personally, I have found adding fat back into my diet has done wonders for curbing my appetite, and keeping me feeling full. I used to be a grazer and ate pretty well throughout the day, and always felt like I was hungry even 1 hour after eating! So I added the natural fats into my diet (the ones which have been maligned for years: cream, full fat milk, butter, lard, tallow!) and I eat pretty well only three meals a day now (with the very occasional afternoon snack to get me to supper) and sleep wonderfully. You might check out the Weston A. Price Foundation website.

Mangopickle

Thought I was just a light sleeper. Never slept more than four hours. Nope! Sleep apnea. Might want to get that checked. Ask Dr again for trial of synthroid. I am subclinical hypothyroid-won't cycle with out tiny dose of synthroid 25mcg. Healthy fats really help appetite. Processed carbs will tend to make you ravenous. Good luck.

chiccam

Your doctors response to your thyroid being low is troublesome. If it's been a year get another panel ran. Of course the body compensates....by slowing the metabolism.

taramaraa

I love that you wrote this post. Good on you for seeking support!

That sounds hard too.

1. Are you measuring yourself with a measuring tape? If so, has there been a difference in your size? You might be building muscle, which is heavier yet slimmer-looking than fat. Don't necessarily rely on the scales to tell you if you're in the right direction. I suggest calculating your BF% (Body Fat Percentage) and tracking any loss/gain through that.

2. What sort of food are you eating? Are you eating a lot of carbohydrates? A lot of empty calories? A bit of everything? Fatty foods? Salty foods? If you're eating 'clean' foods (which consist largely of raw fruits and vegetables, multi-complex carbohydrates and some meats), you should notice you're feeling better - less lethargic, fuller for longer, more energetic, etc. A lot of your energy comes from the foods you eat. You could eat McDonalds all day and be under your calorie-limit, yet still feel like poo the whole day. This is because the energy from food doesn't come from calories, it comes from the nutrients and vitamins in foods. So, if a food is highly processed, high in fats/sodium/sugars/carbohydrates, the nutrients are lacking and this can severly impact weight and energy levels.

3. Working out is good, in fact, it's great. Any exercise is good for you! Well, most are anyway. But if you're doing mostly strength-type exercise, you could just simply be building your muscles. Also, if you're expending more energy than what you're taking in, you could be eating too few calories. Always remember to exercise more if you eat more, or eat more if you exercise more.

4. The sleep pattern sounds awful, and I say that because I've been there and it IS awful! It's really stressful and it's a super-exhausting way to live. I had very mild sleep apnoea and I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I also had problems with eating food with high amounts of energy, especially later at night. I also struggled for years with insomnia and all of the problems collided and created a massive weight gain. Sleep is essential, as I'm certain you're aware. Try adjusting your sleeping pattern. You could do things like place a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow. Meditate for ten minutes before bed. Read a book before jumping into bed. Never, ever use your bed for anything other than sleep. It sounds silly, but if you sit reading in your bed, your body will start to think that bed is for reading, not for sleeping. When you go to bed, turn the lights out straight away, get comfortable and expect to sleep. Your mind will adjust accordingly and start thinking that bed is for sleep. Don't use electronic devices before bed! Probably also sounds ridiculous, but watching television stimulates your brain. As does playing a game on the computer, socialising on the phone or tapping the screen of a kindle. Try to avoid electronics at least an hour before bed. Try to avoid exercising for a few hours before bed. Exercising increases your metabolism and also stimulates your brain, and your body. Allow time for your body to relax and wind-down after exercising. Don't bring worries to bed. If you have a worry, leave it at the front door. Bed is not for worries, it is for sleep. Do what you can to avoid lying in bed thinking, as it's detrimental to your sleep, too. Maybe even try keeping a diary next to your bed, so if you lie down and instantly start thinking, you can hop up, write it down and address the problems tomorrow.

5. Honestly, feeling like your life revolves around food is THE crappest feeling ever. Pardon my French! I know all too well how that feels and it's very much a love-hate relationship. I think the only thing that got me out of that cycle was really, really eating healthy. I still have days where I feel angry at myself and won't let myself eat, or I feel angry and all I want to do is eat! But food isn't the actual problem, funnily enough. Emotions, thoughts and feelings are the problem. So when I'm feeling crappy, I'll not let myself near the kitchen, because I'll relate it to food and then be crappy at the food instead. What I do instead is address the problem itself. The other day I struggled to eat anything because I hadn't lost the kilo I'd intended on losing that week. It really sucked, but I really had to motivate myself to pull myself out of that cycle, as it was just so unhealthy. More unhealthy than anything at McDonalds! Instead, I said out loud that I felt like I'd let myself down, and I even had a little cry about it. I felt so much better, and even though I still struggled with wanting to eat, I had the knowledge that it wasn't about the actual food itself so it made it so much easier.

6. It sounds like you're really attached to food. It sounds like you have an emotional relationship with food, that you continuously invest energy into. There are a world of problems with that, as a) food is an inanimate object and cannot respond or simulate any sort of response; it b) leads to a lot of intense emotions (like crying!) when you feel somewhat rejected by this food - yes, I'm fully aware this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out - after three hours of not eating, you have lost that 'connection' with the food and this is probably what's causing you to cry; c) you cannot have a relationship with food, however, you cannot not have a relationship with food. Food helps you to live and helps you to grow and use your body, but it cannot, and never will be able to, simulate any sort of emotional connection or bond with you. Sounds like you're really struggling and feeling a bit lost and empty maybe (do correct me if I'm wrong here) and it sounds like you're filling up that empty space with foods, so when you don't have food, that empty space is still empty and it upsets you. My suggestions would be either a) have a chat to someone about it, maybe a dietitian or a counsellor even, it might help; b) meditate/pray/think about why you might be feeling this way and really get to crux of it all. If you figure out why this is happening, you'll be far more prepared to stop it from happening again or c) really, truly focus on having a positive relationship with yourself and also with food. You need food to live, but you don't need it to feel better about yourself or to fill a whole.

7. Good on you for writing! I hope it helped you And good luck on your journey. If I've been totally off-mark, do let me know! I might not be any where near as helpful on the internet as I could be in real life! And if, miraculously, I have helped, I'm glad X

QuietBloom

You sound like you may be suffering from depression. Have you ever been evaluated for it?

Food is very comforting and increases serotonin levels, so folks who are depressed sometimes self medicate with food, especially carbs. It might be worth checking out.

:flowerforyou: