Discouraging/Negative Comments

thatjosiegirl

I've always believed that people who discourage those of us who are trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle are actually saying more about themselves than they are about us. Somehow their insecurity or unhappiness with their body leads them to tell us that we should stop working out ("You look fine how you are!") or eat junk food with them ("You need to relax and enjoy yourself!").

My normal line of defense would be to spend less time with this person, BUT what happens when you live with someone like that?

Anyone have any good defense strategy's to fend off the naysayers and discouraging comments?

ninerbuff

Ignore the remarks. Really, if one is "set" in their ways, there's not too much anyone can do about it and people will learn it's how they are. Everyone that knows me has made the statement "you don't need to workout anymore", but realize later, that I'm just going to ignore their advice. It hasn't come up at all for a long long time now.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Jestinia

Eat healthy food at the table with them while they're eating their junk. Maybe they're just lonely and want company.

tristaj90

Haha. I get that from my mother all the time. I've plateaued and feel that I should still lose at least another 10 pounds and my mom will say stuff like "Trista, look where you came from, you can really be fine where you are" or "maybe the reason you can't lose anymore is cuz your body likes where it's at"....I disagree. I can stand to lose another 10 pounds.. and she still says stuff like "it's only 10 pounds"...

My husband on the other hand says NOTHING either way. I never get compliments or discouragements. That's kinda a lose-lose situation to be in. lol.

I really just try to use it as a motivator. Maybe my husband doesn't say anything at all cuz he doesn't like how I look now so maybe another 10 pounds will entice him.. or maybe my mom says those things because she'd really like to be where I am and she's been stuck at her weight forever too so if I lose anymore maybe I can motivate her to break beyond her plateau...

CorlissaEats

I think you need to sit down with the person and tell them CLEARLY and honestly that you find it discouraging.

I've been that person. The one who says you look fine. You are wasting away. You need to eat more. You need to stop losing weight. Enjoy yourself (in moderation). Have another cookie. Etc.

It's usually not done to be mean, discourage, or derail the person. Sometimes its an underhanded compliment. It's not lack of self-esteem, or needing to feel better about myself, or the need to see the other person fail. It's usually said without thinking or sometimes out of concern. we see ourselves and our goals differently than someone on the outside but yet we expect those around us to instinctively know our point of view? If you don't clearly communicate that its a problem for you-- then the truth is that you are the problem. Sorry that's just how I see it.

1PatientBear

Ignore the remarks. Really, if one is "set" in their ways, there's not too much anyone can do about it and people will learn it's how they are. Everyone that knows me has made the statement "you don't need to workout anymore", but realize later, that I'm just going to ignore their advice. It hasn't come up at all for a long long time now.

This. x1000

No one says a word to me about what I eat or what I do because they know that I won't listen to them. Frankly, if they are not going respect my goals and choices, then I don't care one iota about their opinion.

kgeyser

Oh goody, another "everyone's a hater/ they're just jealous!" thread. Time to dig out the bingo cards.

To the OP - You made the decision to change your lifestyle, and you need to accept that everyone else didn't come along for the ride with you. They aren't being mean or trying to derail your efforts, they're just being the same people you happened to sit around and eat cake with not that long ago, and who thought you were wonderful and looked fine just as you were then. Just because you felt crappy about yourself at that point in your life doesn't mean they feel bad about themselves, and your assumption that they are jealous or insecure because of their lifestyle says a lot more about you than you probably realize. You seem upset that they make negative comments about your lifestyle decisions, but seem to have no trouble indicating that they should feel bad about themselves for their lifestyle decisions. Maybe you both need to cool your judgements for a bit and have an adult conversation about why you are making these changes, then figure out a way to proceed where you can all spend time together without anyone feeling judged.

MeanderingMammal

Anyone have any good defense strategy's to fend off the naysayers and discouraging comments?

Whilst I wouldn't wish to try to second guess someone else's motivations for what they say, the defences are pretty simple:

Feeling a lot better since I lost the weight
Rowing, running, cycling for an hour helps me relax
Don't now need to spend a couple of grand on new clothes for work as my suits all now fit me, other than the two that are far too big for me

MinnieInMaine

For the type of comments you used in your example, I wouldn't consider those negative or discouraging. Unless there's more to it than you're saying, I would say in those instances, it's more about how you're taking them. I think people who say these sorts of things mean well. To them, you probably do look fine but your weight loss goals are probably more about just getting down to a certain weight or size and sharing those thoughts/goals might help.

My Hubs has said all along that I don't really need to lose weight. He was seriously fine with me being obese. But the problem with being obese/overweight for me wasn't just looks, it was how I felt physically, emotionally and my gradually increasing health issues (higher cholesterol, blood pressure - a bit scary for someone with major family history of heart disease). So we talked about it quite a bit...more in the beginning, but even now we have the occasional chat about why peanut butter's not as bad for you as he thinks and why it's ok for me to still eat cookies, etc.

For some couples, their together time involves eating. They go out to dinner a lot, meet for lunch, eat snacks in front of the TV at night, etc. So come up with different ways to spend time together than don't revolve around food. Or make room in your calories so you can still have a treat with them atnight. Or find an alternative treat you can eat why they have junk. In my cupboards, there's a healthy alternative for just about every snack. He has movie theatre butter popcorn in a big bag. I have 100 cal snack bags of light butter popcorn. He has double chocolate chip cookies. I have protein bars or fruit - or sometimes I just have a cookie with him.

Communicate. Compromise.

TinaBaily

This is a very good question, and one that I've been on both sides at certain times of my life, so I have both viewpoints that I can share with you.

I have been overweight/obese/morbidly obese most of my adult life. When I was at my highest weight, my mother, who also has struggled with weight issues in her life, finally found the courage, strength, and ambition to drop all the excess weight off her tiny frame. She began running when the weight was coming off, used a personal trainer, and she looked fabulous. She was even competing in 5K races! MY mother?! And there I was...stress eating like no tomorrow, dealing with raising 5 young children, one of whom was a hellion at the time, and feeling proud of her and jealous at the same time. Having been accustomed to seeing her plump all the time, her new, healthy body actually looked TOO thin to my eyes that weren't used to seeing what a healthy weight looked like. I was one of those who voiced my concerns that perhaps she was losing too much weight or working out too much.

In time she began working again after being a homemaker for decades, so the exercise slacked off, the competitions became dog competitions (she now competes with her dogs in agility), and the weight slowly but inevitably all came back on. Fast forward several years and I joined MFP, weighing a weight that was just about considered morbidly obese. I have worked hard since joining to drop the weight that I have. I go to my gym 6 days a week, sometimes 7. My mother understands and is very proud of me and my accomplishments, having been there herself. Is she a little jealous? Most likely, but she doesn't voice that to me, for which I'm grateful. My husband has always been closed mouthed about my weight, being the wise man that he is. He has always told me I'm beautiful and that he loves me as I am. (his hands are on me more often lately than they used to be, though, which I find encouraging :smooched: ) He has said a few times that he's very proud of me for my accomplishments in the weight loss department. I've overheard him bragging to his family about it when he thinks I can't hear him, too.

I think that as Americans as a whole have expanded our waistlines, when one in our friend circle, or within our home, becomes a healthy weight, it looks too thin to our eyes that have become accustomed to overweight (or worse) people. It could simply be that OP's roommate/housemate isn't used to what her body looks like at a healthy weight. Or, it could simply be miscomprehension of how it works to maintain such a healthy weight, and that too much "oh, just relax and enjoy yourself" is how we all got to such a high weight in the first place. I would continue to eat in a healthy manner, ignore those comments, not point out how I'm trying to eat healthy, either, and if it keeps up, perhaps have a brief but frank discussion about how it was a lot of work to achieve a healthy weight and that it doesn't just maintain itself without effort. Good luck to you, OP!

SerenaKitty

The only thing that has worked for me is not talking about it. For all they know, I'm not feeling well that day and don't want junk food. They don't need to know I'm trying to get healthy.

Lots of people will be uninterested and unsupportive. Just focus on your goals and disregard the noise.

JesterMFP

I've always believed that people who discourage those of us who are trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle are actually saying more about themselves than they are about us. Somehow their insecurity or unhappiness with their body leads them to tell us that we should stop working out ("You look fine how you are!") or eat junk food with them ("You need to relax and enjoy yourself!").

Sometimes, and sometimes people are either genuinely worried about us, or just want us to relax and enjoy ourselves. Dieting is boring. Sometimes people find other people dieting annoying. Sometimes they just want to save us from the self-inflicted dieting pain (ie they can't think of anything worse than exercising/watching what they eat, so they imagine we must hate it too). Sometimes they really think we look fine as we are and worry that we will lose too much (this can happen even when the person is still overweight - people get used to seeing us at a certain size and it can be weird to see us thinner.)

And yeah, sometimes they just want to put us down or make us feel bad because they're insecure, or just not very nice people to begin with. It's really hard to tell from what little you've written. The actual quotes you've used don't sound really disparaging to me. However, if it is people you care about/that care about you, and they are saying hurtful things, or inadvertently bringing you down, the best thing is to try to sit down with them and have a proper conversation. Ask them to stop. They may not really be aware of what they're doing. If all else fails, just ignore them and carry on what you're doing, safe in the knowledge that you're making the right choices for you.

LiftAllThePizzas

Anyone have any good defense strategy's to fend off the naysayers and discouraging comments?

Make decisions based on their own merit, instead of making decisions based on 'courage' or what other people say or think.

Hikr56

People need to keep their pieholes shut - seriously! Stay your path, and in the words of The Doobie Brothers, remember: "What a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away." Stay wise and let the fools fall where they may!

celtbell3

My husband, who loves me, always encourages me to eat unhealthy and to 'take a break' from working out. Just his way of affirming that his desire to eat junk and not get his heart going on a consistent, daily basis is okay. He is not in bad health and is not overweight but he eats like crap and is just lucky I guess. My reply? I tell him that I want to live till I'm a 100. Ultimate goal. Leave it at that and go back to being healthy. Has worked for going on twenty now so I guess it's my response.

wolverine66

My husband on the other hand says NOTHING either way. I never get compliments or discouragements. That's kinda a lose-lose situation to be in. lol.

From what I gather from the forums:
If he says he loves you however you are, he is being discouraging (see OP)
If he says "go, go go! lose that weight!" he is shaming you and making you feel bad for being fat

Maybe letting you go about your business and loving you without comment is the best kind of support?