Catching up with an Ex - tell your partner or no?

RonnieLodge

I recently met up with an ex - we are seldom in touch but were in the same country for the first time in half a decade.

I am happily married, Ex has been dating someone for the last couple of years and we live in different hemispheres.

I had told my husband when we first arranged to meet. He asked if I wanted him to come along for support and I said "no thanks".

A couple of my girlfriends tutted and said their husbands would never allow them to do the same, let alone offer to go along too.

We spent the afternoon together drinking coffee and catching up on what each other had been doing the last few years.

Just before we said goodbye, Ex said something along the lines of "please don't put any mention of this afternoon on social media as I haven't told my girlfriend (who I have never met) we are meeting and you are the only ex I am still in touch with".

It seemed a little weird, it was a perfectly innocent afternoon of conversation between a couple of people who used to live together.




So basically, I am wondering:

WHY wouldn't a person tell their partner if they were going to have lunch with an ex (especially one who they haven't seen in years, is very happily married and living in another hemisphere)?

Sinisterly

Basically because those women just admitted to you that they'd cheat.
Uncool.

Amadbro

I recently met up with an ex - we are seldom in touch but were in the same country for the first time in half a decade.

I am happily married, Ex has been dating someone for the last couple of years and we live in different hemispheres.

We spent the afternoon together drinking coffee and catching up on what each other had been doing the last few years.

Just before we said goodbye, Ex said something along the lines of "please don't put any mention of this afternoon on social media as I haven't told my girlfriend (who I have never met) we are meeting and you are the only ex I am still in touch with".

It seemed a little weird, it was a perfectly innocent afternoon of conversation between a couple of people who used to live together.

I had told my husband when we first arranged to meet. He asked if I wanted him to come along for support and I said "no thanks".

A couple of my girlfriends tutted and said their husbands would never allow them to do the same, let alone offer to go along too.



So basically, I am wondering:

WHY wouldn't a person tell their partner if they were going to have lunch with an ex (especially one who they haven't seen in years, is very happily married and living in another hemisphere)?

They probably didn't tell them from fear of their reaction. Personally I would never meet up with an ex but that's just me. Just meeting up can lead to other things. Think about it, at one point in your lives you were both attracted to eachother. That's really all you need for something to "happen".

I kind of went through something like this recently where I was contacted by an ex via social media. She cares about me still and things just didn't work out because we were in different places of life. She was checking up on me asking how I was doing and asking when my wedding was, if I was happy and reassured me that she wasn't trying to do anything but still cared about me and quote "wants to see me happy even if it wasn't with her". After talking a bit and letting her know I was very happy and excited about the wedding she asked if she could be invited (awkward).

I ended up not saying anything to my fiance because I didn't want it to appear that something was going on when it wasn't. So she ended up finding some stuff on my computer and had to ask me about it, which makes it even worse.

Moral of the story is to avoid any ex's if you care about the person you are with. If the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be very pissed about it.

kgeyser

They wouldn't tell their partner because they knew their partner would be upset. Maybe the girlfriend is irrationally jealous, or maybe the guy behaves in a way that makes the partner wary of him meeting up with exes.

RonnieLodge

They probably didn't tell them from fear of their reaction. Personally I would never meet up with an ex but that's just me. Just meeting up can lead to other things. Think about it, at one point in your lives you were both attracted to each other. That's really all you need for something to "happen".

I kind of went through something like this recently where I was contacted by an ex via social media. She cares about me still and things just didn't work out because we were in different places of life. She was checking up on me asking how I was doing and asking when my wedding was, if I was happy and reassured me that she wasn't trying to do anything but still cared about me and quote "wants to see me happy even if it wasn't with her". After talking a bit and letting her know I was very happy and excited about the wedding she asked if she could be invited (awkward).

I ended up not saying anything to my fiance because I didn't want it to appear that something was going on when it wasn't. So she ended up finding some stuff on my computer and had to ask me about it, which makes it even worse.

Moral of the story is to avoid any ex's if you care about the person you are with. If the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be very pissed about it.

Ex asking for a wedding invite - that IS awkward! :noway:

But now you mention it, I remember when I was dating the Ex and was on his computer, a girl who was on the other side of the world started messaging, thinking it was him. We corresponded for a bit and I came clean when I realized it was an old f-buddy of his and we kept chatting online had a laugh.

When the Ex got home and I told him I had been getting to know one of his old romping partners he got pretty antsy about it, which I found a little weird.

meshashesha2012

a few reasons
- they know the partner is jealous/insecure
- the partner isn't jealous, but the women still have feelings for the ex and are projecting that into feelings of cheating
- they could just be talking *kitten* just for the sake of feeling superior and tutting and their partners wouldnt give a crap

Myhaloslipped

Some people are insecure. I had sex with a male friend of mine a few times when we were 19...WAY before he met his wife. She just started being cool with me last year, and we are 36. She has hated me up until recently, and he always had to sneak behind her back just to have a drink with me at a bar. So, who knows what your ex boyfriend's reasons were?

goalss4nika

a few reasons
- they know the partner is jealous/insecure
- the partner isn't jealous, but the women still have feelings for the ex and are projecting that into feelings of cheating
- they could just be talking *kitten* just for the sake of feeling superior and tutting and their partners wouldnt give a crap

This is good!

fallenoaks50

My husband of five years keeps in touch with all his old girlfriends - maybe half a dozen in total. It's no big deal. It depends on the trust and security level of the couple. I know he's not an idiot and would never do anything more than catch up with them.

missbp

Maybe he has discussed your past relationship with her and given her reason to believe he still has unresolved feelings for you. She may be really insecure and he is trying to spare her feelings. The possibilities are limitless. I think you did the wise thing by respecting his wishes. You have moved on, and that is really all that matters in your life. Right?

DMZ_1

Exes are exes for a reason, they need to remain a part of the past.

Wifey7891

i hope to avoid this in the future. please, just always tell me.

They probably didn't tell them from fear of their reaction. Personally I would never meet up with an ex but that's just me. Just meeting up can lead to other things. Think about it, at one point in your lives you were both attracted to eachother. That's really all you need for something to "happen".

I kind of went through something like this recently where I was contacted by an ex via social media. She cares about me still and things just didn't work out because we were in different places of life. She was checking up on me asking how I was doing and asking when my wedding was, if I was happy and reassured me that she wasn't trying to do anything but still cared about me and quote "wants to see me happy even if it wasn't with her". After talking a bit and letting her know I was very happy and excited about the wedding she asked if she could be invited (awkward).

I ended up not saying anything to my fiance because I didn't want it to appear that something was going on when it wasn't. So she ended up finding some stuff on my computer and had to ask me about it, which makes it even worse.

Moral of the story is to avoid any ex's if you care about the person you are with. If the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be very pissed about it.

socajam

My husband of five years keeps in touch with all his old girlfriends - maybe half a dozen in total. It's no big deal. It depends on the trust and security level of the couple. I know he's not an idiot and would never do anything more than catch up with them.

That's what maturity is all about - trust and no dictating to someone. Give the person the benefit of the doubt, because if she/he is going to cheat, nothing will stop them.

socajam

Exes are exes for a reason, they need to remain a part of the past.

Unless the person was abusive in the relationship, this is a load of bull$hit.

hbrittingham

The only ex I kept in touch with was my ex husband and that was only because we had a child together. My current husband didn't care because he knew how much I dislike my ex. There is no way in hell that I would ever consider getting back together with him.

My husband has a few long ago exes on his FL on FB, but he's 52 years old and most of them were girls he dated in high school who are now happily married. If they started PMing back and forth, I might have a problem, but they don't. He did date a woman from the time he was 24 until he was 30, they lived together on and off. They have no relationship now, it was not a good breakup. She called him 2 or 3 times after we got together, a couple of those times after we were married. I was sitting next to him the one time and he told me the next morning the other times (I had gone to bed before she called). I knew he didn't have any desire to get back together with her, so I was fine with it. But he also wasn't hiding it from me, and this was prior to caller ID, so I would have had no clue she had called.

brevislux

If they don't tell, I guess their relationship must be pretty shaky (either for her not to trust him or for him to do stuff behind her back)... when I met an ex I asked my then-boyfriend if he was fine with that. I'm not in touch with any of my exes anymore, but if I were I would tell my partner about it.

bluestarlight19

I would tell my husband and he would say ok, have fun. Why? Because we have trust. There will always be situations that the other person can't control who your significant other is going to be around. I would be able to trust my husband in a room full of super models. Because I trust him not to cheat on me. It doesn't matter how the other person behaves towards him, its how he reacts to it.

TheRoadDog

My ex (we divorced in 1979) contacted me 15 years ago. She was still single and wanted to have a child before she was too old. Asked if I would impregnate her.

Jokingly asked my wife if that was okay. She said, "I don't think so, but I'll take a mayonnaise jar to work and take up a colection for her."

My wife can be so narrow minded.

ItsMeGee3

I would tell immediately. I might need back-up!

contingencyplan

I've never been in a relationship that ended with us still being on good/speaking terms. For that reason I cannot comprehend the idea of even WANTING to stay in touch with an ex.

patrickblo13

Unless you have a kid with your ex I see no reason to stay in touch...IMO