orthorexia/anorexia self-recovery help

hungrygirl325

Hi all!

I am currently suffering from orthorexia with anorexia tendencies and have been for the past 10 months. I recently came clean to my mom that I believe I suffer from these EDs (she already knew I was way underweight and need to gain weight because I've been seeing the doctor once a month, but never knew about the ED thoughts in my head). Now, I'm really trying to recover, and so far, from another persons point of view I'm doing great! But from my point of view, I am struggling hard.

I used to be able to refrain myself from eating a lot of "forbidden foods" and stick with my list of "safe foods." I know that with recovery, it's natural for your body to start craving a bunch of food that you haven't had for a while and it's necessary to listen to my body ques since I've deprived it for so long and stuff, but I am still terrified!

I stopped counting calories because that made me restrict A LOT (700 cals max when I was counting), but the past week, I started counting loosely just to see how much I'm eating now because I feel absolutely out of control.

Today I just ate about 3,000 calories and it's not even dinner time yet because I binged on almost a whole jar of peanut butter and ice cream. This is 1500 more calories than I'm used to. I am so scared right now because (even though I may need that many calories) it's still a HUGE jump in 1 day!

Do you guys have any advice on how to better control myself to not eat everything in one sitting? or maybe your own recovery stories that are similar to my position?

I'm 5'1.5, female, and 79-83 lbs (it goes up and down so much during the day) on the home scale and 86 on the doctor scale.

chrisdavey

Firstly, has your Dr given you any nutritional advice?

I don't think that people recovering from ED's like anorexia should be counting calories. It is an unnecessary stress.

I think you just need some routine. What I would be doing (if your Dr allows) is to just do up a typical days worth of food. Take your typical "clean" foods like meat, veggies fruit and nuts that you enjoy. Plonk them into MFP and see where the cals/macros are at. I don't know exactly what sort of targets you should aim for as I've never dealt with a recovering anorexic sorry but obviously a calorie surplus is required to gain some weight. You don't need to be eating 3000+ per day at your weight though. I'd estimate somewhere between 1500-2000. So get a regular meal plan to stick to so you don't have to think too much about it.

I hope that helps.

spiffychick85

I was anorexic as a teenager and in my young twenties...recovery was slow for me...I understand why you had to stop counting calories because these disorders are typically about control more than food or weight...and counting calories always ensures a level of control...:flowerforyou: My heart hurts for you because I truly understand what you are going through...please understand that you will gain weight...it will happen because it needs too...maybe try sticking with foods that aren't "safe" or "trigger" foods but that are still fairly healthy...lean proteins and veggies (granted I don't know what your safe foods were? zero calorie foods? I will say that even though I gained weight...I was still able to maintain a healthy weight...I have never become obese from recovery and I didn't become over weight for that matter until I had my children...and I have lost the weight easily and safely after my first and I'm doing it again after my second...it can be done...you can live healthily after this experience...give yourself time to recover and heal

dakotababy

I would say the binging is more healthy than anything. You are allowing yourself to eat food - and of course, with your body starving for so long, I would say that it is your bodies way of just trying to survive and refuel. It is hard to trust your intuitive eating cues since they are probably fairly messed up from ignoring them for so long.

I know one thing about the ortho, you can try making a list of forbidden foods. Every day, try 1 of those foods on the list. Even if its just a bite, allow yourself to try it.

Remember, there is no "bad foods". It is just food. It really is battling the voices in your head. Perhaps you can start a journal, document the triggers, and your thoughts regarding certain foods. Document your experiences when trying new foods and introducing foods back into your diet.

hungrygirl325

Thank you I do eat A LOT of veggies and lean meats because I know it's healthy for me. I also eat them so I can feel full and satisfied so I won't go on these junk binges. I'm not scared of eating lean meats or veggies either. In fact, I'm obsessed with getting protein in my diet now! But then I find myself craving junk food now. I just don't want it to spiral out of control.

Safe foods for me were water, plain fish, plain chicken, plain veggies, and fresh fruit and that's all. I'm expanding my food palate more though. I'm eating a little more healthy carbs, greek yogurt, hummus, and other clean foods.

Even when I wasn't suffering, I wouldn't crave junk food that much so it's really scary that now I can't seem to get my mind off of these foods. Especially ice cream! :O

My doctor wasn't much help. She just said to eat more protein and it's okay to avoid sweets which makes me worried even more ><

astrovivi

I would strongly suggest that you don't count calories for a while. I had anorexia from the age of 15 and suffered with it chronically for decades, despite seeming to be recovered.
It is important to take the focus of your life away from food and weight and all the things that trigger the "need for control" signals that cause the voice in your head to start obsessing.

I would strongly recommend getting professional help. Talk to your doctor about seeing a specialist/psychiatrist/whatever to help you deal with the psychological and emotional issues you are dealing with.
For the food, don't track and don't weigh yourself ... it is possible (although maybe not) that keeping track in part of either of these, is perhaps contributing to your sudden binge episodes.
There are ingrained behaviours to unlearn and this takes time. you need to find a balance where you can enjoy foods in moderation without the guilt feelings or feeling in or out of control.

Please do seek professional help. I recovered without any professional help at the time and I believe this is why it took me so many years to do so.

Make an effort to include lots of vegetables, fruit and lean proteins and healthy fats to make sure you are getting all the vitamins and trace minerals you need.
Perhaps you can get tested for any deficiencies. It's quite common to be deficient in B12 and especially in zinc when anorexic.
Having some of these addressed can help mood, appetite and help you recover.

Wishing you well. You can recover but please do seek help via your doctor.
I'm glad you have spoken to your mum about it. Having her support will make the world of difference.
I doubt I would be here if it were not for my mum and the care and support she gave me.

saffron981

You don't need to be eating 3000+ per day at your weight though. I'd estimate somewhere between 1500-2000.

This is not correct. Some patients recovering from eating disorders need to eat 3,000 calories per day, or even more. Please be sure to consult with your doctor.

hungrygirl325

Thank you. I'm not going to lie, that post was a little triggering for me and made me feel guilty but yes you're right, a lot of patients go on 3,000 calories. Which is why I'm a little anxious because I've already eaten 3,000 calories and I know I still have dinner tonight. I keep telling myself that I will do better to space out my meals the next day, but for some odd reason I just can't resist anymore.

I'm seeing my doctor later this month so hopefully this time I can come clean to her and tell her what's really on my mind.

inside_lap

Consider asking for a referral to a eating disorder clinic (dependent on country, health insurance, etc). Many ED clinics have multidisciplinary teams w/ medical doctors/nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, nutritionists, etc. they also can have varied level of care depending on the depths of the eating issues, medical complications, place in recovery. Care can range from inpatient, to intensive outpatient, to even weekly or less. Consider a multidisciplinary perspective. Talk to your doctor about your concerns.

Edit: darn autocorrect

1princesswarrior

I've never had an ED so I won't go there but I do have a lot of cravings. I started substituting protein powder for chocolate milk and dark or carob covered almonds. That helps satisfy my chocolate and sweet cravings. I hope that helps a little.

astrovivi

also, try to not think of foods as "good" or "bad" or "clean" vs "dirty"
this is not a healthy mindset and keeps you trapped into "safe" food mentality and may be a bit linked to your cravings

Ice cream is not such a bad thing if trying to gain a little weight when recovering either. I think Ice cream helped me a lot during recovery, but you want to be able to enjoy it without any guilt associations that might make you binge.

Some_Watery_Tart

My mom has struggled with bouts of anorexia for over 30 years now. I've seen her try "self-recovery", and I've seen her hospitalized. There really is no substitute for professional help. Please consider finding a doctor who specializes in this type of recovery. It's very delicate--and your health is worth it.

Good luck to you, OP! I sincerely hope you beat this!

hungrygirl325

wow 30 years. I hope that she's doing well now because it is not a good life to have as I'm sure you well know.

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely consult my doctor at my next weigh in. Even though I feel like I can recover on my own, it could easily spiral out of control because of my messed up relationship with food.

Good luck to your mother as well

FindingMyPerfection

Thank you. I'm not going to lie, that post was a little triggering for me and made me feel guilty but yes you're right, a lot of patients go on 3,000 calories. Which is why I'm a little anxious because I've already eaten 3,000 calories and I know I still have dinner tonight. I keep telling myself that I will do better to space out my meals the next day, but for some odd reason I just can't resist anymore.

I'm seeing my doctor later this month so hopefully this time I can come clean to her and tell her what's really on my mind.

Right now you need to focus on nourishment and finding enjoyment in being good to yourself. It is healthy to indulge in things you enjoy within reason. A few days going over won't hurt your body and may help you find a balanced way of eating treats. You feel like you went a bit too far today and you can use that to adjust slightly the next time you eat those foods.

At both ends of the spectrum there is fine tuning adjustments that need to be made slowly to find a healthy balance.

I wish you luck and strength in your recovery.

Vegan_85

Have you seen a psychiatrist, psychologist or dietitian? The binge (in the real sense of the word) worries me since some people with anorexia go on to develop bulimia.

I'm 28 now, and I've gone through two periods of severely under eating. Once for several months as a depressed teenager, then again, last summer. For the most recent one, I saw both a psychiatric nurse (once a week) and a psychiatrist (once a month). Now I take lithium and it seems to curb my obsessive tendencies to the extent that I can keep a food diary without any problems.

Have you tried any medication? Even talk therapy alone could help you deal with whatever is really bothering you. It's probably not the food; that's just a symptom.

hungrygirl325

Thank you for your story and advice. I haven't seen a dietitian at all or anything. Just the doctor who said I need to eat more protein and gain the next time I see her. I lost 2 pounds the next time and then gained one pound back. I have another weigh in later this month, but i'm not sure if I've gained or lost because the doctor scale seems to weigh me different than my home scale haha

I haven't tried any medication either.

I'm not professionally diagnosed and my doctor doesn't know that about my thoughts about food so I will probably tell her next time I visit. I also had blood work done, but all my levels are normal.

pebbleslaura1

when i was in hospital getting treated i was eating more than 3000 cals aday so this quote isnt true

ItsPheebs

Don't take advice from anyone except your doctor and/or dietician right now, please.

splixi

I have so much to say here from personal experience.....(Would it be ok to PM you?)

Biggest thing I have to say though is- I know what it is like to feel like you are trapped in your own head- to feel like you are a puppet to the controlling thoughts. It is possible to break free of them....i've spoken to so many people who have- but for now i'm still searching.

I don't want to scare you but in recovering from complete restriction in hospital I started to resort to other things- and I found it very hard to find a balance.....I either didn't eat or I ate what I considered to be "too much". And I don't care what anyone says- that matters as well- how you feel about it. If you think that 1000calories is too much- then it is too much and you'll need help to get through it. (although we all know realistically that 1000 is not enough to give the body what it needs).

They talks of two "selves" when it comes to eating disorders...."the healthy self" and "the eating disordered self"....they are constantly in battle against one another. You feel like one part of you is so hesitant to put something in your mouth but the other part of you is saying "just eat the bloody thing- you know you need it". Recovering I think is about giving more power and trust to your healthy self- that is what i'm working on.

I can't emphasise enough though that you need professionals to help you do this- it is so miserable living with an ED and you DESERVE to be free of that monster.

splixi

Thank you for your story and advice. I haven't seen a dietitian at all or anything. Just the doctor who said I need to eat more protein and gain the next time I see her. I lost 2 pounds the next time and then gained one pound back. I have another weigh in later this month, but i'm not sure if I've gained or lost because the doctor scale seems to weigh me different than my home scale haha

I haven't tried any medication either.

I'm not professionally diagnosed and my doctor doesn't know that about my thoughts about food so I will probably tell her next time I visit. I also had blood work done, but all my levels are normal.

Needing to gain weight is just one facet of an eating disorder- weight gain is like a bandaid fix. It doesn't fix the underlying thoughts in your head..... If a doctor was to get every anorexic girl/boy he knew and put them all in a hospital tied to a bed with a feeding tube for weeks/months and get them to a normal weight- he has achieved very little because they are mentally still feeling the same on the inside and will revert back to the behaviours that their mind is telling them to carry out (restriction, purging, excessive exercise- or whatever other behaviours these might be).

I don't like it when professionals approach ED's with a purely mental point of view and I find it strange that your dr hasn't tried to look at the REASONS you weigh so very little. I think referral to someone who knows about eating disorders would help you a lot because there is so much more to fix than weight. A dietician and psychologist/counsellor experienced with eating disorders make the world of difference.

chani8

I found a lot of relief with the (free) "No S Diet". No tracking calories, no snacking, no sweets (trigger foods), no seconds. You eat three meals a day. Then on "Yes S Days" (Sat/Sun) you can snack, eat sweets, and take seconds, and those days are super hard, much like what you are going through now. Not having limits, is hard. So check out this diet, it's called a diet, but it's really a normal, healthy eating way of life. I feel so much more normal about food now, I don't obsess anymore, and I only overeat on the weekends, which I'm working on trying not to do.

splixi

I found a lot of relief with the (free) "No S Diet". No tracking calories, no snacking, no sweets (trigger foods), no seconds. You eat three meals a day. Then on "Yes S Days" (Sat/Sun) you can snack, eat sweets, and take seconds, and those days are super hard, much like what you are going through now. Not having limits, is hard. So check out this diet, it's called a diet, but it's really a normal, healthy eating way of life. I feel so much more normal about food now, I don't obsess anymore, and I only overeat on the weekends, which I'm working on trying not to do.

Personally I think that it has too many rules- and ED's thrive on rules and restrictions....
The main goal in ED recovery is to learn to recognise your hunger cues and eat accordingly. And in the process for example if someone offers you a piece of chocolate and you feel like you are upto it on that day you wouldn't want to be saying to yourself "well I can't have it because today is a "No S Diet"
This diet still seems to follow some degree of disordered eating... if I was to tell my doctor "no I can't eat that today because it is Tuesday" I know right now that the first thing a counsellor would try to get me to do is challenge that rule...

leilaphoenix

I think you need to get some professional help. An eating disorder is a serious condition and you need some help to reset your way of thinking.

Perhaps you could try adding things slowly back into your diet. If you are craving chocolate/fat/ice cream it is probably because you are getting no sugar or fat in your diet. These are important. If you don't have any then have a huge binge then you might want to put a bit of sugar and fat into your diet to help to be more healthy.

Why not try up-ing to say 1200 calories a day, and adding one new item into your diet. Do this for a few weeks, see that you haven't transformed into a 20 stone beast, and then add another 100 calories and a new item. How about milk?

3000 calories is not healthy, but neither is 700.

AliceDark

Personally I think that it has too many rules- and ED's thrive on rules and restrictions....
The main goal in ED recovery is to learn to recognise your hunger cues and eat accordingly. And in the process for example if someone offers you a piece of chocolate and you feel like you are upto it on that day you wouldn't want to be saying to yourself "well I can't have it because today is a "No S Diet"
This diet still seems to follow some degree of disordered eating... if I was to tell my doctor "no I can't eat that today because it is Tuesday" I know right now that the first thing a counsellor would try to get me to do is challenge that rule...

I completely agree. The challenge for someone recovering from an ED is to learn how to listen to hunger cues from your body and eat according to those cues, not any outside set of rules or restrictions. Swapping one set of diet rules for another won't help change the way you think about food.

Since you're dealing with some orthorexia, I'd suggest trying to expand your definition of "safe" foods. In the long term, you'll need to move away from thinking about good vs. bad foods, but in the short term you need to get more calories in without triggering the disease. (The danger for me has always been that it will come roaring back in a few days and cause me to further restrict what I can eat, but that may not be the case for you).

My first thought was to try adding fat to your meals, since you're craving peanut butter/ice cream. What about adding some olive oil when you cook your meat, or adding avocado or yogurt to your veggies? Milk would be a good idea too.

Maridar

it is a very serious issue that may lead to lethal outcome. A good friend of mine survived anorexia and wrote a book about it, Voluntary Starvation by Jane Wood. I read it and would recommend it.

hungrygirl325

I didn't see all of your responses until now, but thank you all for your feedback.

I guess I knew deep inside that I need to see a doctor, especially now that my body and mind are going crazier than ever. I have a doctor appointment in about 2 weeks so I will tell her what I've been going through.

Again thank you everyone who responded and took the time to give some advice. It means so much to me that people are here for each other and genuinely want to help people.

sarafischbach9

All I can tell you is that I have been in your situation before. When I was in recovery for my ED in 2006 ( was down to 86 lbs at the beginning at 5'3.5" ) I gradually increased my caloric intake. I was supposed to be eating 1800 calories but kept myself at 1500-1600 a day. With the increasing intake came the increased cravings. There were points where I had out of control binges that sometimes equaled to 4000 calories! And even then I had only put on a couple pounds in a day of water weight, but lost it by the next morning.

Your body is wanting all that food because its been deprived so long.

Now I don't know about eating 3000 in one sitting, but make sure you are eating enough at every meal throughout the day to keep yourself from binging. And allow yourself room for sweets and desserts otherwise you will binge.

Good luck to you

savannahribeiro

I myself do not have any form of eating disorder, but:
I have read that a.nervosa is a mental disorder. Please do not take this offensively, it is not meant to be mean or hurtful, but maybe seek out a psychiatrist to discuss these thoughts you're having. I suffered from anxiety and depression when I was about 14 or 15, and I thought going to a psych meant I was freak. It actually really really helped me to let it out and discuss with someone. The root of most eating disorders is mental; trust me on this, talking to a psychatrist will definitely help.




Good luck, babe! You can beat this

chelle610

Before you pay attention to anyone's responses, talk to your doctor. They can assess your current health and help you determine what and how much you should be eating as well as recommending counseling, which is key. Knowing you are making choices based on professional advice will put your mind at ease, too. I was also a former anorexic and tried to recover without a doctor or counseling. The physical recovery was slower and messier than it could have been, but worse, and the emotional issues manifested in even more dangerous ways. I don't want you to go through that.

Fizzy2177

Recovery is a slow process. I was bulimic for 13 years. Take it one day at a time.

firstsip

Consider asking for a referral to a eating disorder clinic (dependent on country, health insurance, etc). Many ED clinics have multidisciplinary teams w/ medical doctors/nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, nutritionists, etc. they also can have varied level of care depending on the depths of the eating issues, medical complications, place in recovery. Care can range from inpatient, to intensive outpatient, to even weekly or less. Consider a multidisciplinary perspective. Talk to your doctor about your concerns.

Edit: darn autocorrect

Seconding thing. No matter how much you think you can control your recovery, without professional help, you run the risk of forever backsliding into old habits, physically or mentally.