How do you watch your friends make your mistakes?

mikejholmes

Watching friends make almost the exact same mistakes you made is hard. It sucks. And I wish there was something more I could do about it.

Back in 2005, I met a girl, and I fell hard. We got along great, and she seemed to be everything I was looking for. She was smart, she was funny, I found her to be gorgeous, and she seemed to be into me. Mostly, she was a talker. This was key, since we lived a few hours apart from each other, so most of our interaction was either on the phone, or electronic. I had always found girls to be rather confusing, and I felt I never knew what to do, but with her, she laid her preferences (and occasionally her expectations) out there, so I always knew where I stood.

Physicaly getting together got harder and harder, and I got more and more frustrated with the situation, but still felt solid with her, and where we stood. We were still fairly new in a relationship, so it's not like I was going to be "part of the family" while she dealt with some serious family medical issues. So as I say, it was frustrating, but we stayed in fairly constant contact, and I tried my best to be understanding.

My friends, however, saw things differently. As the months went by, with only very rare actual visits, they started to gently point out that ... well, it was like I had an imaginary girlfriend. She clearly wasn't that into me. Some friends finally got blunt -- she was consistently choosing to be apart from me. If she wanted to be with you, she'd find a way to make that happen.

I was constantly defending her to my friends. I'm in contact with her multiple times a day. She works 2.5 hours away in any kind of traffic, her grandma is sick, her mom is sick... I'm in this, you aren't, she's a great communicator, I know how she feels, trust me on this. It's just circumstantial. It's just temporary.

One day, after not seeing her for about 6 weeks, I couldn't take it any more. I was at the cottage, but drove to her work, and met her outside her work unannounced one day. She was all nice, gave me a great big hug, told me how great I looked, how great it was to see me, etc., etc. But so sad, she had plans, she had to run, she was definitely going to call me that night. Ok, fine. I wasn't happy, but she had devoted 3/4 of her conversation to how happy she was to see me, so how mad could I really be.
That night, as we talked, was when she told me she was engaged. She was getting married in less than a week.

I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. By a mule.
How was this possible? How could I have felt we were this close, how could we have talked so much, and I'd had no clue this was coming?
I was aghast at my own stupidity.

Then the humiliation started to kick in. All my friends, who had told me that she clearly wasn't into me, since she consistently choose to be elsewhere -- they were 100% right! Actions speak louder than words, and her actions had been screaming the truth at me for months, and I had not only not listened, I'd actively defended her to my friends. I felt unbearably stupid.

This was, of course, all many years ago. I did fall into a depression after that, but I got through it, and have been happily married (to someone else, obviously) for a few years now. But it was one of the toughest lessons I'd ever learned.


Now I'm watching a friend make a similar mistake. A friend has been in a long distance relationship for some time now. And yet this friend is consistently alone. Christmas -- alone. New Year's -- alone. It' s been made clear that my friend will be alone on Valentine's day as well.

It breaks my heart. I know where this is going. My friend claims to as well, but just isn't ready to fully accept it.

What I want is for my friend to take control of this -- to end this on their terms, to decide they are worth better treatment, and that without actions, all the words in the world are so much air. And yet, this goes on, and on, and on. And it kills me, because my friend deserves so much more, and is settling for being treated like this.

And the only thing I can think to do, is write it out here to vent my frustration. And be around to try to help pick up the pieces.

bf43005

You nailed it with your last sentence. Be around to pick up the pieces. It's your friend's life. Just like when it was going on with you, your friends voiced their concerns but it was your choice. You can only do the same thing. Make sure your friend is aware of your back story (if they aren't already) so they know where you are coming from and that you see similarities. Mostly you go on with your life and hope for the best that it's really not the same.

I started a relationship with a guy who lived 2 hours away and I didn't have a car at the time. Neither one of us had our own place so meeting up usually meant only a few hours (movie, dinner, etc) and 4 hours of driving for him. We talked on the phone a lot becuase that was all we could do. I didn't see him for New Years, or his birthday. In June we will be celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary. Sometimes it does work out!!

MinnieInMaine

Oh man that sucks... You've already done everything you can my friend. Just keep giving your friend advice and be ready to be there for support when the inevitable happens. Please don't say "I told you so" when it does.

Trust me, I know it's hard. One of my best friends was dating a complete loser who was using her and abusing her. He was an oxy junkie and possibly also a coke head. He talked her into spending all kinds of money so they could have and do things. Pretty sure he was mentally/emotionaly abusive and in fairly short time he became physically abusive. She'd call me to complain as girlfriends do and I would put it all out there, no coddling...he's a loser, you're worth so much more (seriously, she looks like a model and could have ANY guy), you're strong enough to go it on your own, etc etc etc. Finally it sunk in and she is so much stronger and wiser for it. And thankfully she was smart enough to make him sign promisory notes on the money he borrowed from her so she was able to take him to small claims court. That meant she had to continue to be in contact with him but it was worth it to recover her money in the end. All this over the course of 2-3 years and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Just had to be there for her to support her and continue to try to convince her she didn't have to settle.

mccindy72

Most of the time, all you can do is give your advice, and then wait and see what happens. Think back to when people were telling you it wouldn't work and you were sure it would. Now he's in the same place and needs to have his own experience. Many people learn their life lessons by making mistakes. I'd imagine you really treasure your current relationship even more because you remember what the previous one felt like. Having a negative experience isn't exactly a bad thing, it gives us something to compare the positive experiences to so we can appreciate them even more.

m2boo

wow, I wonder how that marriage turned out :laugh: