Finally seeking "strong" instead of "skinny"

GrindingSalt

Hi : )

I grew up dancing, spent 12 years doing primary ballet but other forms of dance as well. For a couple years, I was in the studio 6-7 days a week. I spent summers at ballet intensives and essentially grew up with ballet slippers or pointe shoes attached to my feet. I was always the biggest girl in class, but only because the people I danced with were naturally petite, tiny people.

But I never set foot in a gym, or went running, or did anything like that. So when I went to college (culinary school no less), I didn't know how to stay in shape. Luckily for the first couple years I was working so hard in kitchens that I managed to stay at about the same weight, lots of time on my feet and lifting heavy things and spending summers sweating out the water that I was constantly drinking.

I moved to NYC at 20 for a famous restaurant. It was a great opportunity but a horrible environment. I was miserable, working minimum 10 hour days without any kind of break, lucky if I managed to grab 2 minutes to eat something in the middle of the day. The walk-in and the kitchen were on different floors so I spent my whole shift running up and down stairs. I dropped down to the smallest I had ever been, about 140 pounds. For the first time ever, I really adored the way my body looked.

But I was miserable, so I wrestled my way out of that job after about 7 months and landed in a much more positive kitchen. One with breaks, and meals, and little plates of extra desserts for people to nibble on. And I did, and I went back to my old body (about 155 pounds). Then something long-term and traumatic happened and unfolded over a period of months, and the only way I could stay grounded and hold onto some kind of positivity was to cook and eat and comfort myself that way. I'm a chef and food is my language, so it was easy and necessary and it worked for me.

Now I'm much happier, but my body has been a source of angst for some time. I've been hovering around 170 pounds, gaining an appalling 5 pounds over the past 3 weeks as I spent christmas with my family then two weeks with friends staying in my apartment.

Through all of this, I wasn't moving. I wasn't exercising. I wasn't trying to be stronger. I realized that all my life, even when I *was* dancing, I valued skinny over strong. It had never even occurred to me to work on becoming healthier, only smaller.

So, my sister and I started doing the couch to 5k program together. I've NEVER been a runner, never ever ever, and it's been a huge challenge for me. But I'm at the very end of week 6 now and have a race coming up at the beginning of March. My new year's resolution has been to run a 10k by the end of this year. I found a rec center near where I live with a track, a pool, machines, weights. I've started doing workouts in the safety of my own apartment, channeled into my bedroom via youtube. I feel so effing motivated to become stronger, healthier, more comfortable in my skin.

I know what my battles with food are -- I'm a chef and don't eat processed crap, but I'm liberal with olive oil and butter, cherish good bread, have proposed marriage to several particularly delicious varieties of cheese, and find the thought of turning down a food experience because it might be unhealthy unfathomable. I know that no matter how far I can run, there's a limited amount of change that can happen if I'm still devoted to the idea of eating half a baguette with creamy cheese. This will be my big challenge, moderating something I feel SO much passion for.

But I know it's time. And I know that a stronger, healthier, maybe consequentially thinner me can co-exist with occasional happy food binges.

I've never joined a community like this before but I've been reading obsessively over the past month and figured that at the very least, it was time to say "hello"

swisseler

What a lovely story. Keeping seeking to be stronger; it sounds like you've already come far.

Laura3BB

Welcome, chef!

Cyclingbonnie

Good luck to you. I believe in being strong. It is one of the main reasons I think I've stayed with MFP so long. I do want to loose weight, but my weight loss gains are more directed at being fit rather than skinny.

Although I always agree you can't exercise enough to make up for bad eating habits, exercising will grant you a little leeway with your calories, and honey I love that. I'm a foodie, I love good food. I try to steer clear of the processed crap (although cheetos do make it into my diary ever so often LOL). I am not a chef, but I am very creative in the kitchen. I love good bread and bring on the cheese (I loved your description of proposing marriage )

What I have learned here is to enjoy my food through portion control. I eat the foods that I like and recommend that you do that too. If you deny yourself the foods that you like you will feel deprived. Rather than cut them out, limit the frequency of the rich and high caloric foods and limit the size of the portions of all your foods. You will feel satisfied and will be successful.

Good luck on your fitness goals, you have a great story and you have great goals.

GrindingSalt

@Swisseler -- Thank you! Today I ran 2 miles with barely a few seconds break in the middle. Afterwards I immediately thought of trying and failing to run half a mile in middle school and how humiliated I felt to be the last one on the track during the fitness tests. Stronger is feeling amazing.

@Laura -- thank you! I just recently started back at school in addition to working in the restaurant world, the plan is to transition into a different facet of the food biz. I think I'll miss being called "chef" though ; )


@Bonnie -- Thank you for the warm welcome. Yes, exercise certain does allow for more indulgences ; ) and if I tried to cut out all the troublesome (aka delicious) foods I eat, it would be a quick path to failure. Some kind of combination of the two seems to be the right plan for me. Portion control is a challenge but a hugely important lesson to learn.