Not sure how to feel (LONG STORY)...
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\I agree with you. It absolutely infuriates me when people have WLS. They tell you they need it and it is not easy.
I ABSOLUTELY THINK IT IS A COP OUT AND CHEATING. They surgically adjust their stomach to consume less food and calories. The rest of us have to do it on our own and deal with cravings, hunger, calories, getting to the gym. Also I think the WLS procedures are dangerous and cause other health complications. It is also cheating time wise. They lose tons of weight right off and those of us that take charge of our heath have to go it slow and wait for our bodies.
I do NOT CONDONE or SUPPORT WLS.
That being said, I have had many friends and family members have it done. They did not change their eating or excersize habits and if they did it was short lived. I cannot tell you one true success story. They also have saggy flabby skin. HOWEVER; I do love and adore these people. I cant judge to hard, neither should you. It is OK to NOT AGREE with their weight loss methods.
If their habits annoy you just keep on with your healthy habits. Maybe they will see you as an example and follow suit as well? Or maybe they will never change. They ARE FAMILY so just love them for who they are and try to focus on the kind things they do and say. No one is perfect and they will say and do things you hate, but try to remember that you love them and that is the most important thing.
I just have to laugh at the "cheating" idea. And the bolded part. No, you aren't judging too hard. Noooo.
I really try not to, I just hate this surgery. My family memebers and friends have had it and have put the weight right bak on. Ihave not seen one success story but a lot of health complications. It is cheating.
Maybe it is not cheating...maybe it is desperation...maybe they reached a point where they couldn't see any other alternative.
Cheating??? Did they cheat you out of anything?
Maybe they tried through diet...failed so many times that they just didn't know what else to do...maybe they felt as if the light had gone out at the end of the tunnel for them.
Why do you feel as if it is cheating...is it because you chose to go a different route...that your weight loss may be slower?0 -
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I am a critical person so dont get your panties in a bunch, you cant change me.
You are overestimating to think you can have any effect on my panties. :flowerforyou:
I'm not trying to change you, I'm responding to you. Likewise, you don't have to like my opinion of what you said.0 -
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Oh Forgot one. You could still have loose skin no matter how you lose weight. It is something you will have to live with. Everyone's body is different- but anyone who has more than 100 lbs to lose runs the risk. It is not a side effect of gastric bypass. Some people have the surgery- lose all the weight- have NO loose skin, same with people who lose it other ways. They are skin lottery winners. Just FYI0
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Having read a lot of stories from people who had WLS and even considering some of the info in this thread about the side effects of it, I am not at all convinced that it is the "easy way out."0
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It is cheating.
Cheating who?
My life is not a game I'm playing against you.0 -
It's really tough, but I agree with this answer. :flowerforyou:0
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You know, when I find myself having strong negative feelings about the behavior of those I care about, I always recall the Serenity Prayer. I won't recite it here because many people aren't spiritual, but the principle of it is accepting that we have no control over what others do. We only have control over ourselves. If what they do bothers you, then you are creating unneccesary stress for yourself. Just look past the things that they do that bother you and appreciate them for the people that they are. Find satisfaction in yourself and your own choices. When you set your mind and heart to do these things, you will find it much easier to be happy for them and their successes within the scope of the choices that they have made.0
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I get it. I would feel the same way. HOWEVER....your dedication to your exercise program and general health makes you want to walk those extra 10 feet in the parking lot. Because his parents aren't doing the work you are doing, they don't have the drive you have.
So, they may lose the weight...and they may lose it faster than you...but in the end, you will be changing as a person. Your goals and your determination and your "can do" spirit will blossom.0 -
Didn't read all the responses, but judging others is generally an expression of our own insecurities.
Secure, authentic, confident people rarely spend a lot of time judging and perseverating over others' choices.0 -
While I don't know much about weight loss surgery, I do know that it is not as easy as it sounds once you have it done.
I think you should try to shift the focus of your attention: yes, you work really hard at it, and guess what? Your body will be equally as healthy for it. Even if what you're doing doesn't translate into rapid weight loss, I'm sure your heart and lungs are healthier and so is the rest of your body, which isn't starving for vitamins/etc. Keep up the good work!
This ^^ And even if your MIL is parking in the closest spot at the gym, at least she is at the gym. Everyone has to follow their own path. If you are sure you have chosen the right path for you, then just focus on that.
Let others deal with their struggles as best they can.0 -
My feelings on this? I think you ARE jealous. Not everyone is going to go about this the same way. Focus on what you are doing and don't use all that energy on what someone else is or isn't doing.
My thoughts also. Stop judging others and worry about your own feelings/goals/accomplishments.0 -
When I worked at a buffet 10 years ago, People would come in quite frequently who had the surgery done, wanting a discount because they can't eat as much as a normal adult. They would show me a doctor's card proving they had the surgery. They'd get really mad when I said there is no discount. Uhhh, how is that my fault? Why would they think that they're entitled to a special discount just because they chose to undergo a (probably costly and not entirely necessary) surgery? And yes, I am judging THOSE people for being mad at me for not being able to give them a discount. But I don't judge everyone who had the surgery. If you can afford it, good for you!0
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If people feel that bariatric surgery is their only option, and it's successful for them, I'm not going to poop on their parade. However, I have the same philosophy as you...I gained the weight, I can lose it myself.
Also, my mother in law had the surgery a few years ago. Initially she lost a lot of weight, but gained it all back in a short amount of time because she didn't change her eating habits. There were complications, and now she has lost weight again due to being incredibly ill, and has to have her parathyroid removed. She will probably die from these complications eventually. I saw her in October and she's a skeleton covered in loose skin, and her hair is falling out at a rapid rate. It's very sad and I feel so bad for her. No one deserves that.0 -
You're falling into the "I judge myself and therefore I judge others" trap. The less you judge yourself and learn to embrace the capabilities of your body the less you'll care what others are doing, and the more successful you'll be.
The fact that it bothers you so much indicates to me that you've considered the surgery and have decided to go a different route, but feel uncomfortable about the fact that it was a viable route for you to take.
I totally considered having the surgery. I never denied that...but I decided for myself, the drawbacks outweighed the benefits. For everyone else, who are getting crazy defensive over my post, I do love these people. I just wish for themselves they had chosen the "right" way to lose their weight. The ones I've known who had the surgery had theirs years ago and are still as emotionally screwed up as they were before and have done nothing to change their eating habits. My best friend has even said that she thinks she's more out of shape now than she was prior to the surgery. And yes I have tried to get her to join the gym with me so that we could spend time together and motivate one another.
I am proud of my weight loss and have learned so much already so far about calories, serving sizes, exercising, and how my own body reacts. I have learned all this on my own and know in the end, I will be smarter about my health and food choices in the future. Just wanted to vent and get others opinions on how they've felt in similar situations.
I have to add: people aren't getting defensive. They're offering very well-thought out advice. It is very apparent that this is something negative to eat at you until you vent it out, and even if you vent it, do you feel better? Or do you simmer until the next instance of your bf's parents setting you off? (P.S. There is a blog function on MFP! A free blog TO vent in, anytime you want!).
In the meantime, spend more time focusing on the second paragraph and less time on the first. Like jaylio said earlier, try working to retrain your thoughts.
Anytime you feel anger, resentment, or anything negative, instantly supply yourself with a proud, positive thought.
"Oh, there goes BF's mom bragging about her ten pound lost... oh, but I've lost 40 lbs!"
"Ugh, BF's mom is using the handicapped spot... wow, I'm so glad I've taken my health into concern, so hopefully I never have to use that spot!"
In the wise words of Cady Heron: "Calling someone ugly doesn't make you any prettier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter."0 -
I also think DRs are surgery pushers. Why not? Everyone wins! THey get paid and the patient gets skinny! It is cheating.
Did I miss something? Is weight loss a zero-sum game?0 -
You're falling into the "I judge myself and therefore I judge others" trap. The less you judge yourself and learn to embrace the capabilities of your body the less you'll care what others are doing, and the more successful you'll be.
The fact that it bothers you so much indicates to me that you've considered the surgery and have decided to go a different route, but feel uncomfortable about the fact that it was a viable route for you to take.
I totally considered having the surgery. I never denied that...but I decided for myself, the drawbacks outweighed the benefits. For everyone else, who are getting crazy defensive over my post, I do love these people. I just wish for themselves they had chosen the "right" way to lose their weight. The ones I've known who had the surgery had theirs years ago and are still as emotionally screwed up as they were before and have done nothing to change their eating habits. My best friend has even said that she thinks she's more out of shape now than she was prior to the surgery. And yes I have tried to get her to join the gym with me so that we could spend time together and motivate one another.
I am proud of my weight loss and have learned so much already so far about calories, serving sizes, exercising, and how my own body reacts. I have learned all this on my own and know in the end, I will be smarter about my health and food choices in the future. Just wanted to vent and get others opinions on how they've felt in similar situations.
I didn't think I was being crazy defensive, just giving you feedback from my experiences. We tend to get more defensive about the things that color how we define ourselves. You do what you want with my words, but it was my experience that the more comfortable I felt with myself, the more allowed my minds eye to see me differently, the more I redefined how I thought about myself the less I saw those flaws in others.0 -
It sounds, to me, like you aren't exactly "judging" these people...but you know that the surgery is not for you, and you're committed to changing your body the healthiest possible way. For that I strongly commend you. I feel the same, too.
In SOME aspects I'd say losing the weight w/o surgery is almost easier. You and I will (hopefully) never know the feeling of all those terrible side effects and lifelong maintenance pills and habits that so many people experience post-surgery. That's a win.
BUT...I can totally understand your irritation & frustration. The MIL parking in handicapped is pretty ridiculous. I'll go ahead and assume that she DOES have a valid disabled parking permit. If not, I would refuse to go anywhere with her and make the statement that what she's doing is illegal. But the FIL commenting about all the weight he's losing vs your slightly slower progress...that is just plain rude in my opinion. I'd be very annoyed as well.0 -
There's a reason they call people "Family" and not "Friends".
TOO close for comfort. NOBODY should be asking about your progress in that kind of detail and comparing.
Start generalizing and don't give them specifics. "Oh, I'm happy with my progress so far" and change the subject.
Get hubby support on NOT going to the gym together with them. HE can tell them "we're going a different time so we can focus" or whatever. Doesn't need to be hurtful, but too much togetherness is NOT a good thing.
Or maybe go on your own??
Get some distance. Your journey is tougher, slower, MORE permanent, and DEFINITELY Healthier.
Good Luck to you!0 -
Recently my boyfriend's mom started going to the gym with us (on the weekends). She says she goes during the week at her work. His parents both had gastric bypass surgery in 2013. So now I will give a back story: I have struggled with my weight all of my teenage/adult life. Never once did I seriously look into having weight loss surgery and here's why: I'm the reason I gained weight so I should be the reason that I lose weight, if there ever is a time that I WANT to indulge, I want to be able to do it without getting dreadfully sick afterward (they call it dumping syndrome), I love my long hair and would like to keep my long hair (all women I know that have had the surgery have cut their hair short due to lack of vitamins causing it to fall out), I do not want to have to take vitamins for the rest of my life, and I can't nor do I want to have to pay for a bunch of surgeries to correct the loose skin left after all the drastic weight loss. I have 3 friends who have had the surgery and now I know his parents who have had it done.
Now to get to where I don't know how to feel or basically what to do with my feelings...I love his mom. She's a kind and funny woman. However...it drives me absolutely insane that when she comes to the gym with us, she parks in the handicapped spot even though she is perfectly capable of walking the extra ten feet to get into the gym!! I have NEVER been one to try to find the closest spot. In my head I always think "It won't kill me to walk." Every time she parks there...And every time I want to look at her and say "And you wondered why you got to be over 300 lbs?! Walk the extra ten feet for Christ's sake!"
Then the other day we stopped by his parents house to grab his nephew because we were going to babysit. His mom asked me how much weight I've lost and I said 40 lbs because when I started doing this again I was 294. She said you look amazing and great job, and then his dad says "I've lost ten lbs this week!" Again...I wanted to look at him and say "Yeah!!! Great!! How'd you do it? Oh yeah, you had part of your stomach removed!! I actually had to sweat my *kitten* off in a gym and show restraint when eating!! Congratulations on not having will power!
It's not jealousy...I have no idea what it is that makes me think these things or feel this way. I've been dealing with these types of issues for years, ever since my best friend had the surgery. Is there a way to be happy for these people and their weight loss when I'm actually working really hard and putting in a huge effort to lose mine?
I really understand where you're coming from. A friend of my father's had lap-band surgery - not so he could lose weight, but more so it would limit the amount of food he could eat and force him to lose weight. He still eats ice cream, and whatever he wants.
I looked into having lap-band because I had always had so much trouble losing weight. When I went to see the surgeon, he told me he wanted me to lose 90 pounds before he'd do the surgery. I thought, "If I could have done that, I wouldn't be here!!"
Anyway, they set me up with a nutritionist and a therapist. Therapist talked me into joining Weight Watchers so I'd have another level of accountability, and I did. I ended up losing 115 pounds, and had LOTS of excess skin around my belly. I had that removed last April, and between the recovery being more difficult than expected, and a lot of other things happening, I'm not at about 100 pounds lost.
I hoped that by losing it slow, I wouldn't have to have excess skin removed. BUZZ....WRONG!! I still have about 100 more to lose, and I'll need to go through the rest of the skin removal surgery. BUT that's okay. Part of the reason I've resisted the lap-band is because whether I do that or not, I'm going to have to learn how to eat right. If I can eat right without the surgery and lose the weight all the same, all the better.
Meanwhile, please realize that this journey you're on is YOUR journey. You can't compare yourself to others, and they shouldn't compare themselves to you. It took me a while to build up my nerve to say, "They're on their path, and I'm on mine. I will be happy for their successes, and whatever happens, they shall not derail me."
Seeing a therapist has helped a LOT in that realm. It might be worth considering.
Good luck to you!0 -
I understand your irritation, I swear I do but stop giving that much energy to something / someone that make no difference in your life. Time to let it go....they are doing the best they can do for their own life and their own circumstances.
Be happy for others people even if it is not the choice you would make for yourself.
It is not worth the energy.
Good luck
This sums up how I feel about it.
Yes, me too. Also, when my formerly obese brother and sister in law began losing weight due to their surgery, it spurred me on to stay on track and lose weight--I definitely did not want the "title" of the overweight one in the family. Maybe you could use their positive experiences with weight loss as a positive for yourself--it will make you much happier to change your outlook.0 -
Don't beat yourself up. The fact that she parks in a handicap spot at a gym to do anything other rehab disgust me.
Think about putting some space between you and them (for fitness anyway.)
Why surround yourself with people you don't really respect and don't really make you the best you can be?
Do you own thing and smile and nod and know you are achieving more than they are regardless of the numbers.
8-)0 -
You're doing it the right way. Don't worry about what they're doing and just ignore their remarks, look after you! :flowerforyou:
BTW, I don't think your boyfriends mum is kind...she's taking a disabled space she doesn't need and depriving someone who may need it.0 -
Not rage...irritation. She had the surgery - - now weighs 169 lbs and is still using her handicap parking plackard. She is perfectly mobile. My best friend who had the surgery is constantly saying how "fat" she is (even though she weighs like 150 somethin), and says things like if she wore a size 24 again she'd kill herself (knowing that I wore that size a few months ago). The surgery doesn't fix the issues and it irritates me when my weight loss is overshadowed by theirs because they're losing ten lbs a week compared to my 2 lbs a week. It being my boyfriend's family makes it harder because I feel like I can't talk to him about without making him angry.
Hate to burst your bubble, but if you think doing it the "right" way fixes your emotional issues, you are DEAD WRONG. I still have so many issues about my weight, even after losing 80 pounds. I still see myself as so fat, even after 80 pounds. Don't question someone else's emotional frustrations...you have no say in how quickly someone "fixes" their issues.0
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