Dealing with low self esteem and weight loss?

Bettyanne77

I am 36 and have about 85lbs to lose to get down to my goal of 147lbs. I have struggled with my weight since I was about 10. I was always a bit over weight in though my teens but in my early twenties I gain a lot of weight after being on migraine medication and went up to about 210 lbs. I did at about 25 actually lose that weight and got down to about 147 lbs then but even at that weight I still felt too fat. I remember my mum took me out to buy me some new clothes nice feminine skirts and dresses. It was nice to get them but after the thrill of fitting in to them wore off I still felt I was too fat and ugly to get away with dressing nicely. I would try things on and photography myself in my bedroom and then fixate about how fat I looked in a particular outfit, how my legs were still to fat, how ugly I was and that no amount of weight loss would change that.

More recently I found some photographs of myself I took back then and I looking back I looked ok, even pretty in a few, it was a shock because I pretty much felt I was a hideous monster back then.

I still have all those lovely clothes stored away and I'd love to be able to wear them and I am very serious about my weight loss this time but I still do have a problem with low self esteem and I worry that I will not be able to enjoy or even really see any success if I have it and that even if I do get to my goal weight I'll still really hate what I see in the mirror? Now I keep thinking, how I am too old, that the weight loss will make me look older and that my skin and breasts will stretch out and sag.

In a way over the past few years I have lived in a kind of fantasy thinking that "in the future I will lose weight and look beautiful and wear all those pretty clothes" (in fact iI still buy the odd item of clothing for my future "thin" self). The reality though is that if I really do lose weight I probably won't be beautiful, I'll just be me but thinner.

I am guessing that my issues with weight and self esteem are a bit related and I feel that I need to work on my self esteem and self image if I am to be successful with getting to my goal weight and staying there. I am hoping someone else out there knows what I am talking about and has perhaps some advice on how to deal with this?

Anens630

I have pictures of myself when I was thinner and looked "healthier and happier" all over my fridge and wrote a big sign that says "Get healthy!!"

I used to have killer self-esteem--something my hubs found hot--but now, after three kiddos and a constant state of wearing yoga pants--I'm ready to get that sexy girl back---start slow and start looking at calories--set realistic goals. I would like to lose 30 lbs--but my only major goal is to be able to wear shorts--and not board type shorts--but daisy dukes w/o the butt cheek showing type shorts (Limited, Express, NY&Co type shorts). I want to take my kids to the park and not rock the black capri leggings or maxi dress that looks like a moo-moo as I have since I had them---I don't want to hide--I want to get all up in the dirt and slides and swings with them. KWIM? Little baby goals.

Hang in there!!

Anens630

And don't worry about the fear of losing weight and your skin sags---that's why God invented Spanx

waltbran

Weight is on your body, but the image is in your head. I struggled/still struggle with the same thing. I found finding a healthy goal that is not tied to how you look but what your healthy body and you can accomplish and gives you a self esteem boosting confidence...sign up to do a race or a triathlon! The training and the accomplishment of doing it will hopefully get your head seeing your achievements and not flaws.

pkw58

Even at age 55, and I weigh less than the day I graduated from high school, I have those "days". I finally realized somewhere in my late 30's that I will be as happy as I make my mind up to be. No matter what weight I am, I can get up every morning and shower and put on make up and a nice outfit. When I lost the extra 46 pounds in 2012, I suddenly found that less was more in just about every aspect of my life. A nice wardrobe could be as small as 33 pieces (google "project 333"). My nutrition could be very simple and easy to watch (right here on my fitness pal) , and instead of going to the gym for an hour ,etc, I could walk and count my steps all day long (see fitbit, nike fuel band, etc) and do 10-30 minutes of yoga or barre 3 every day.

Keep going. I would also add that when I gave up bread, pasta, rice and potatoes in 2012 I found that they and overuse of sweets (added sugar items) really would depress me and then my low resistance would allow me to self medicate with them - which would make me feel lower. I don't do that anymore.

But if you have one of those days, one of the tricks I was taught (by a college professor) is to take a timer that will go off in 20 minutes and get under the covers in your bed and do nothing. By the time that timer goes off, you will be wanting to get up and thrive.

zombiemomjo

I'm so sorry you feel this way about yourself. I spent years in the same boat. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years. He spent the entire time making backhanded comments about my looks. "Yeah, you got fat, but your legs still look good." So I tried to hide in huge baggy clothes. He was very fit, and when I tried to exercise with him, I never did it right or I didn't push hard enough, so I just gave up. What turned it around for me at first was the friends in my life. I told myself over and over again how those fabulous people LOVED me, for me. They didn't judge. If people I found so wonderful found ME wonderful right back, then I must be wonderful. So I tried to look at myself through their eyes. And I got some therapy to help me through. Your mother bought you those lovely clothes to compliment the lovely person that you are inside and out.

I finally got the courage to leave Jerk, and I spent two years doing everything I could to better myself. Bought a house, got my first job out of college, exercise, diet. I didn't lose weight, because I have PCOS (and I wasn't diagnosed yet), but I started to feel like I had more self worth. I was super confident with my friends, but I was horrible with men. My now husband adored me as soon as he met me, but I was convinced that he was just interested in me because I was THERE. I didn't find my true self confidence until a couple of years ago at 38. That was when I took control of my life. I got fit for ME and my kids. No other reason. Not to look better, but totally for my health. And when I focused on how I felt physically, my emotional self started to feel better. I got stronger. Every time I could move from the modified move on the DVD to the more advanced move, I was ecstatic! First time I did a burpee on TurboFire, I couldn't stop smiling that entire day. I was STRONG! For the first time ever! So from there, I kept pushing myself. I started running. I couldn't run a mile in high school when I was a cheerleader and played tennis! In 2012, I ran my first 5k. With the stomach flu! I still did it.

Any way, getting long winded. My point is, find your strength. Your strength is where your beauty and your self esteem will come from. I'm not sure what your strength is. It's not in our physical appearances, but once you find that strength, that THING that makes your heart sing, you will light up from within. And THEN you will finally feel more beautiful than ever before. And never rule out therapy. Either with a professional or with a friend you can trust. Best of luck. You can do this!

softblondechick

I am probably overly sensitive, but I hate going to the gym, and I feel patronized by the staff there. Last night, I was at Spin Class, which I go every M and W, last night, was T, for a change. There was a different instructor, and I felt like she targeted me, came over to me, before I even got on the bike, to tell me how to adjust my bike. Was she going over to anyone else in the class? No. I felt targeted, because I was "fat" that obviously, I did not know how to Spin, or adjust a bike. Just leave me alone. I don't need your "help" or be singled out for "special" training, or help. You are not giving anyone else in the class extra help...so, why me?

It is hard enough for me to get the motivation to even go to the gym. Let alone get targeted by overly helpful staff, helping the "fat" people. One, is just enough to make me vomit, with her patronization, trying to "motivate" me...I really wanted to just slap her. I don't need her to tell me how glad she is I came to class. Get away from me.

Sorry if this sounds really violent, and anti social, but I feel that way. I want to be treated like everyone else at the gym, leave me alone. You don't go out of your way to show toned men, how to do a squat on the equipment, I know how to do a squat, I have had plenty of personal training. Thank you...

I really hate the instructors and staff at the gym. just leave me alone, and treat me the same as you do anyone else who goes to the gym.

zombiemomjo

I am probably overly sensitive, but I hate going to the gym, and I feel patronized by the staff there. Last night, I was at Spin Class, which I go every M and W, last night, was T, for a change. There was a different instructor, and I felt like she targeted me, came over to me, before I even got on the bike, to tell me how to adjust my bike. Was she going over to anyone else in the class? No. I felt targeted, because I was "fat" that obviously, I did not know how to Spin, or adjust a bike. Just leave me alone. I don't need your "help" or be singled out for "special" training, or help. You are not giving anyone else in the class extra help...so, why me?

It is hard enough for me to get the motivation to even go to the gym. Let alone get targeted by overly helpful staff, helping the "fat" people. One, is just enough to make me vomit, with her patronization, trying to "motivate" me...I really wanted to just slap her. I don't need her to tell me how glad she is I came to class. Get away from me.

Sorry if this sounds really violent, and anti social, but I feel that way. I want to be treated like everyone else at the gym, leave me alone. You don't go out of your way to show toned men, how to do a squat on the equipment, I know how to do a squat, I have had plenty of personal training. Thank you...

I really hate the instructors and staff at the gym. just leave me alone, and treat me the same as you do anyone else who goes to the gym.

I'm sorry you felt singled out. I know how it can be construed as a negative, but I know some trainers personally at my gym, and they honestly are trying to help the people the reach out to. They don't want anyone to be hurt with incorrect form or improper settings. My friend is quite fit yet she gets a lot of attention from the trainers, because they know her form is off and has had injuries in the past. They honestly are trying to help. But she has the same reaction you do. She HATES being singled out. I myself appreciate all of the feedback I can get. I usually work out at home, so my trips to the gym need to be as effective as possible. If I could get injured doing something incorrectly, I appreciate the trainers telling me rather than some other schmoe there like me. Keep up the good work, though! And feel free to let the trainer know that you would rather do it on your own without their feedback if that would help. It's YOUR workout, and you deserve to make it what you want it to be.

seeingthelight

Any way, getting long winded. My point is, find your strength. Your strength is where your beauty and your self esteem will come from. I'm not sure what your strength is. It's not in our physical appearances, but once you find that strength, that THING that makes your heart sing, you will light up from within. And THEN you will finally feel more beautiful than ever before. And never rule out therapy. Either with a professional or with a friend you can trust. Best of luck. You can do this!

zombiemomjo hit the nail on the head! I would add that It sounds like you know what your problem is but don't know how to fix it. I am sure you will get a lot of help, motivation and encouragement on this site, but I would strongly encourage you to find a therapist that can help you find YOUR strength so you can get started on a wonderful life!

Stripeness

"I am guessing that my issues with weight and self esteem are a bit related and I feel that I need to work on my self esteem and self image if I am to be successful with getting to my goal weight and staying there."

Yep - you got it! If you can, please see a counselor/psychologist to get working on those issues. Not because it's *necessary*, but it sure could make your journey easier.

And regardless, start paying real attention to how you're treating yourself. Make sure your eating and exercise goals are reasonable and non-punitive. Not sure if you're being reasonable or not? Read:
MFP classic: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

A long yet super encouraging multi-part read (addresses gym workouts & self-esteem):
http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/fat-loss/training-the-obese-beginner.html

Everything you do should be about being kind to you. And if you start paying attention to how you're talking to yourself, I bet you'll notice an awful lot of negativity, if not self-loathing. The fix? Ask yourself what you'd tell a 4-yr old.

Are you 4? Of course not, yet you are JUST as deserving of being treated kindly and gently. If not more. So do that, and you'll be on a steady track to being healthier and lighter - for life.