Be myself v.s. fit + ED

ajkees

This is going to be long, and I apologize in advance. But please bare with me.

I lost 50 lbs last year, slowly and healthily through cutting portions and increasing fruits and veg, drinking plenty of water, doing some form of exercise almost every day. Then I when I went to uni I put on a little weight during the first few months. The stress + lack of sleep + no way to make my own foods all contributed to that. Now I'm trying to lose the weight I gained but its killing me. I am having such a hard time and I have never cried so much in one month.

I wish I could say I thought of food normally, eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, but I've developed an obsessiveness that I cant control. I would always know what ingredients we have/didnt have in the fridge, I'd always be planning my next meals, always telling myself I cant have a certain food, and over-restricting and then thinking "I'll just have one bite, I'm allowed a treat now and then anyways" and that morphing into "what the hell" and eating without thinking and without being able to stop myself.

I have 2 problems now.
- I really really really want to be one of those people who says things like "Ehh I don't really feel like eating that right now" or who doesn't get excited about food and who doesn't have rules like "cant eat this, cant eat that". I dont want to have fear foods and I just want to think of food normally?? If that makes sense? I cant stop thinking about food. Like whether I can or cant eat it or when Im craving it or should I allow myself a treat or not?
- I want to lose the weight I gained but at the same time I'm pretty cool with my size. The difference is not so noticeable, but I'm terrified that if I dont act like I want to lose weight then I'll slowly continue gaining.

Tell me, when does it get to "be who you are, accept yourself" over "I must have that perfect body?" I dont know and I'm so lost and confused I just wish my eating disorder could be zapped out of my brain, have a guarantee that I\m not going to gain more weight, and not have to think about my stupid body and stupid food all the time. I'm so sick of it!! Any suggestions? I've tried going vegetarian or vegan or gluten free or raw, in the end I always dont get enough calories and bounce back worse than before. The crazy thing is that I'm not even what one could call "overweight" (BMI of 22) but I'm so frickin paranoid about it!

At times I think, "I have to kill this eating disorder" and eat guacamole and chips with my fam/friends while watching a film to make myself realize: "No, you are not going to be controlled by these kinds of paranoia" but then there are also times when I restrict so much then at the end of the day eat things that I regret which amounts to all the more calories in the long run. I just dont know if I should be focusing on getting in shape again and not letting myself have any treats at all (cause that will lead to me craving them more later) or if I should handle this eating disorder?

So lost and miserable right now, so saddened seeing other people working out and eating healthy and feeling so positive about life and everything while I'm just wishing I could be like them and get a grip on myself and my frustrating mental proccess.

I'm so sorry this is long and terribly confusing - I hope I got the meaning out well enough. Any suggestions/tips would be highly appreciated because I just keep going downhill and I dont know what to do anymore.

dmkillion

Oh my....I wish I could say it gets easier but at 41 I still struggle with those feelings at times. You are clearly a beautiful young lady and to have such negative feelings toward yourself sucks!! Try keeping a food journal, not just what you eat, but why you eat it and when you eat it and what you are feeling when you eat it. Food can be such a huge emotional crutch, and you're right when you say you shouldn't be paranoid about your body and every bite of food you eat. I LOVE sweets but I just can't have them around. For me, keeping the crappy food out of the house was what helped. If junk food was there, I would eat it! Now, I DO treat myself regularly, but I do so with single serving sizes. My all time favorite is the vending machine at my daughters' tumbling gym where I can get a small handful of Mike & Ikes or M&Ms! (I get my fix but keep it in check) I have also found that now that I'm eating less sugar, I crave less sugar.

I also found logging my caloric intake to be eye opening, I was appalled at how unhealthy my diet was pre-fitness pal (high fat, high cal, etc...) I am eating a healthier, more balanced diet in smaller (normal) portions and exercising regularly and I feel AMAZING. I truly am in the best shape I've ever been in. Do I have a bikini body? Hell no! It's lumpy and bumpy and dimpled...it's REAL. The body that you feel good in will look different from the body everyone else around you feels good in and that's how it should be.

Honestly if you feel good where you are right now, own it! Eat healthy, sensible meals. Exercise regularly. Really, the goal should be building a strong healthy body and mind and feeling good!

If you really can't get past the very strong paranoia and negative feelings, the food restriction and binging, I would seek professional help. Again, you are right this isn't a healthy response to food and your body and you may need help...identifying, acknowledging and being aware of your food triggers is a huge help in breaking that cycle and sometimes people need help figuring all that out.

Hang in there!! You lost 50 lbs last year and that's a huge accomplishment! You chose to make your body stronger and healthier and you succeeded! It's so much harder to get your mind and emotions to catch up with your body, but you can do that too!