Stuck in a rut - bulimia, depression & weight gain

Sid1988

So this is how it started - I went on holiday to Thailand for a month, that month i ate and i drank copious amounts and the only exercise i got was walking from one bar to another. I got out of my routine of calorie counting and exercise and I had gone from 9 stone 10 to a whopping gain of 10 stone 9 and i knew i had, i could feel it on my clothes and when i looked in the mirror.

I returned home feeling disgusting and then on my first day back to work i found out i was being made redundant which has now lead to everything spiraling out of control.

Just a quick background briefing - i have suffered from depression, anxiety and bulima in the past after my mother committed suicide in 2010. sometimes they come back, but most of the time i have a grip on them.

Until now, I spend my days unemployed but actively seeking work but not getting anywhere, i have bills and rent to be paid but I have this cycle of feeling depressed, walking down to the local store, filling up a basket with as much crap as i can (cakes, chocolate, biscuits, sweets, hotdogs....) i'll then go home, eat the lot and then throw it back up again, then i feel ashamed of myself and get mad because of the amount of money i am wasting on this food but then a few hours later, feel hungry, make myself something slightly healthy like an egg sandwich in brown bread but not throw up.

This routine has been going on for nearly a month now, my self esteem and confidence has hit an all time low, i feel ugly and ashamed of myself and i just want to be that person i was two months ago that hit the gym three times a week and made healthy food choices.

I'm wondering if anyone has ever felt like this and if so, what did you do to over come this? i just wish the fatigue feeling would go and i can go back to my old self and start feeling confident in myself again (which i know will help towards me getting a job)

Thanks x

mulecanter

Sorry you are having a tough time. Seems to me the root cause to address is your employment situation. I'd suggest that you spend time walking. During these long, relaxed walks, think about what work you can do and other job ideas you can pursue. Develop a plan. Give yourself practice job interviews during the walks, meditate on your life, remember positive things about your mother, etc. Walking will up your endorphines and help with your mood, not to mention getting you away from the snacks. Start a virtuous circle. I think if you can find a new job, the other issues will resolve--you already have shown you have enough on the ball to care about your body and write this post.

stanleypoobrick

Hi - I'm in recovery for anorexia (binge/purge sub-type so it's similar to bulimia) and the best bit of advice I can give you is to see a therapist. I'm not sure where you live, so this might not be possible if you don't have healthcare, but it sounds as if you need professional input. Otherwise, I'd suggest finding forums (e.g. whyeat) where you can talk to lots of people with the same problems.

Make a self-care package of things that stimulate all of your senses (some candles/perfume for smell, a soft blanket for touch, etc) and bring it out when you feel a binge coming on to keep yourself occupied. There are lots of suggestions if you google "how to make a self-care package". You said you've dealt with bulimia before, so I'm thinking you were in recovery for a while? Which means you know it's possible to pull yourself out of this rut. Set yourself mini achievable goals like 1 week without disordered eating behaviours and reward yourself when you reach them with something non-food related like going to the cinema and, like any habit, the longer you go without it the easier it becomes to stop.

I really hope you feel better soon; it's a very tough position to be in! Searching for a job is demoralising but you should know that you're trying and it isn't your fault. Good luck.

stanleypoobrick

One more tip is to make sure you don't go hungry!! Restricting after a binge as ~punishment~ will only make you more likely to binge/purge later because when you're very hungry you eat more. My recovery really started when I set myself to eat 5 small meals a day rather than restricting because I never feel hungry, so I don't binge and then I don't feel guilty so I don't purge. It's a vicious cycle!

nomeejerome

seek a professional

1princesswarrior

I'm so sorry about your mother.

How did you conquer your bulimia before? Did you seek counseling? Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this?

You don't have to be ashamed. You are obviously strong enough to conquer this because you've done it before. Do what mulecanter said. If you need to, see a doctor to help with the depression and anxiety. Not all depression and anxiety is treated without medical intervention, I know because I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety and I need medication to function along with exercise. When you feel the need to go to the market and buy junk food maybe try deep breathing first to see if you can calm yourself down. This may sound stupid but try to find a hobby that relaxes you, for me it was horses and more than once they have kept me from committing suicide.

You've taken the fist step by reaching out on here. There are many people recovering from eating disorders that can probably give much better advice. I think there is a whole forum. You have a whole community behind you and rooting for you dear so remember that when you feel you've hit rock bottom.

Warmest thoughts go out to you.

1brokegal44

Bulimia is nothing to mess with. It's a serious issue. My daughter is bulimic. It's tough uphill battle, but people can recover. Please seek help from a qualified doctor or therapist.

frantim528

All of the above. Stay away from carbohydrates especially sugar. The crash after the sugar rush will only add to your depression and lethargy. Carbs also make you even hungrier than you were before.

SLLRunner

Please go to your local clinic and speak with a doctor about getting help for you bulimia. I know from experience that you can't recover without professional help.

scottiejuarez

ive been bulimic for over 7 years and it always gets worse when im unemployed, (which, horribly enough, i was fired two days before christmas for taking food from work and lieing about it) so the bulimia is in full force especially because of the circumstances. looking for jobs is no fun either, feeling like youre being 'rejected' multiple times over is ****ty. i dont know if it will help any, but when i get really upset i repeat to myself over and over that everything is going to be okay and think about how the people who are passing you over as far as jobs go are losing out. anyways, message me if you want. good luck.

brickhacker

Yes!! I am going through something like what you're going through. Last year I battled with depression and anxiety attacks. This year my depression is under control but my battle now is with binges. I binge on sweets and carbs at least four times a week. I didn't do this before my depression.
There is hope! I've figured out that that one tiny bite will do me great harm. That one bite leads to the whole bag of chocolate chips or the whole cake. It's different for everyone, but it helps to find out what foods trigger you and try and avoid those foods. Come up with a different alternative whenever that food pops into mind.