Online dating struggles

Somegirl789

So I wasn't sure where to post this even though I have been on MFP for over a year. I made a "new" profile to post a question. I have so many people I know on my real one that I don't want them to know what I'm going though. Okay so I have lost about 60 pounds in a year. Started around 285 current 225 or a little higher. I'm five foot right and carrying weight very well. And I'm in my early 20s btw.

Okay so I have been single for a couple of years now and never dated a lot so I thought I would give online dating a try. I joined POF. Guys are always messaging me telling me I'm pretty/beautiful or I'm just what they are looking for don't know how much of that is really real or not. So I'm getting plenty of guys that are interested. But what worries me is my body. Yes I am more confident with clothes on but it scares me to death the thought of a guy seeing me undressed. To the point that I don't even want to go on dates because once the relationship gets to that point I will want to run and hide.

I guess I'm looking for maybe what others have went though with online dating or advice on what I should do. Or if you have any online dating stories, tips or secrets to tell please do!

33Freya

1. Maybe see a counselor about your insecurities. They shine through and attract the wrong sort of person- time to purge them.
2. Online dating is rough!! If you are going to do it, take it very slow and leave your clothes on for the first few dates at least. Get to know he guy(s) you are dating before getting too involved.
3. There are a Lot of scammers out there. Do not let him know your info or where you live etc: protect your info. If you are going to go home with him, text a friend with his address and let him know at you are doing so. If he is a cereal killer or rapist, that will foil his plot (bad guys don't want to get caught, and all bad guys are really great guys till their demons come out).
4. Be very choosy and have fun. Don't talk about your weight and don't let it be an issue. You've made excellent progress, and you are beautiful. Remember that you are worth the best and demand it.

Now let's all sing with Madonna: "don't go for second best baybay, put your love to the test. You know you know you know you got to...."

VelveteenArabian

This isn't really about online dating, because if you met the guys in person first, you'd still have the same insecurity.

Regarding your online posts.. be as honest as possible and expect everyone to lie.

I don't know how soon you expect to be doing naked stuff with someone, but you should be getting comfortable with the person first, and allow them to get to know you.

DownsizingAaron

I think you have an opportunity here. Since you have concerns about intimacy right now, you can be very choosy on the guys you go out on a date with. Since you're looking for a quality guy who is going to see you for you and you don't want to get naked quickly, why not take your time to find a great guy?

I couldn't have imagined being intimate with a woman at 400 pounds but then I found "the one" (who was 160lbs) that saw me and not my fat. It didn't work out in the end but that wasn't due to my weight. Dip your toe into the pool and see what happens...

Synamin

So I wasn't sure where to post this even though I have been on MFP for over a year. I made a "new" profile to post a question. I have so many people I know on my real one that I don't want them to know what I'm going though. Okay so I have lost about 60 pounds in a year. Started around 285 current 225 or a little higher. I'm five foot right and carrying weight very well. And I'm in my early 20s btw.

Okay so I have been single for a couple of years now and never dated a lot so I thought I would give online dating a try. I joined POF. Guys are always messaging me telling me I'm pretty/beautiful or I'm just what they are looking for don't know how much of that is really real or not. So I'm getting plenty of guys that are interested. But what worries me is my body. Yes I am more confident with clothes on but it scares me to death the thought of a guy seeing me undressed. To the point that I don't even want to go on dates because once the relationship gets to that point I will want to run and hide.

I guess I'm looking for maybe what others have went though with online dating or advice on what I should do. Or if you have any online dating stories, tips or secrets to tell please do!

Have you considered getting out and meeting people in real life? Its so much better than online dating. I have been in a vicious cycle where I don't want to go anywhere because I've gained weight and gaining weight because I'm less active because I don't go anywhere. It's going to be hard at any size, you are going to feel insecure at any size. The only way to get more confident is to get out there and do it.

Ready2Rock206

Have you considered getting out and meeting people in real life? Its so much better than online dating.

This. Although I have no idea how to actually meet men in real life either - I've been single forever. But online dating is just horrifying and brutal. I find it to be a total self-esteem killer.

ElayeRoss

This. Although I have no idea how to actually meet men in real life either - I've been single forever. But online dating is just horrifying and brutal. I find it to be a total self-esteem killer.
[/quote]

Completely agree. The words, "horrifying, brutal and self-esteem killer" are about as accurate as I could have come up with myself. I get no responses except from men VERY older than me. The guys that I make contact with never respond back, so yeah...I used to think it was my weight, but I look very different now, and still nothing. I don't know. I guess that only leaves my personality to blame. Yeesh. I wish it were easier. For all of us. Because I know some pretty amazing single women, but no amazing single men to set them up with. :-(

EricMurano

1. Maybe see a counselor about your insecurities. They shine through and attract the wrong sort of person- time to purge them.
2. Online dating is rough!! If you are going to do it, take it very slow and leave your clothes on for the first few dates at least. Get to know he guy(s) you are dating before getting too involved.
3. There are a Lot of scammers out there. Do not let him know your info or where you live etc: protect your info. If you are going to go home with him, text a friend with his address and let him know at you are doing so. If he is a cereal killer or rapist, that will foil his plot (bad guys don't want to get caught, and all bad guys are really great guys till their demons come out).
4. Be very choosy and have fun. Don't talk about your weight and don't let it be an issue. You've made excellent progress, and you are beautiful. Remember that you are worth the best and demand it.

Now let's all sing with Madonna: "don't go for second best baybay, put your love to the test. You know you know you know you got to...."

Very good advice!

Online dating can and does work but you have to be patient and be willing to go on a lot of first dates. There will be a lot of people that aren't looking for what you're looking for let alone the freaks (You will meet a few!)

Don't give it up too soon (unless you want to, but don't expect that to turn into a real relationship). If you keep your knickers on you'll weed out the guys that just want one thing. If a guy really does like you he'll wait.

wiscck

I met my boyfriend online, but I had to sort through a bunch of guys who weren't right for me first. Some were creepy, some were losers, some were great guys just not for me.

But what I'm going to say applies whether you met the guy online or in real life.

1) If he pressures you for sex before you're ready, he's not right for you.
2) If you take your clothes off and he is not appreciative, put your clothes back on and kick him to the curb.

Dreamingallday

I met my boyfriend online. I used OKcupid because I found POF was rampant with guys looking for flings. OKcupid was like the free version of eHarmony for me as they ask a lot of in depth questions and can help you see who is serious and who isn't.

I was 240 when I met my boyfriend and I was honest. I wasn't happy with my body, I was working on losing weight on toning up, but that it was going to need a lot of dedication and effort from me. He's super supportive, helps me train and work out in the gym ( he has years of martial arts experience and work out tips)

We've been together almost 2 years now, he eats better than he did when single too as a way to support my new lifestyle. Honestly could not have worked out better for me.

Be honest, let him know where you are with your life and what you need. If they are intimidated or uneasy with it, then honestly not worth the effort. I was uncomfortable being seen undressed, but I realized I had someone who loved me as I was for who I am ( super cheesy and cliche, I know) and that honestly made all the difference. Support, love, understanding. If they don't have it in them, it shows, move on, you're worth every bit of love someone can give.

RunDoozer

If he is a cereal killer or rapist, that will foil his plot

Nicolee_2014

Dutch courage? :drinker:
Just kidding.
All the best.

Kr1ptonite

It can be hard to overcome those insecurity issues. I look totally different then I use to but I still suffer from the issues. Iv had trouble fully adjusting to the new me, as I was insecure and overweight for as long as I can remember. I was still stuck in that mode. It's just something you need to let go off and be proud of your great work and try and be confident. Be honest and hopefully the right guy will pop up.

Zara150

Even if things don't workout between you and someone it's still should be a lesson for you!! Don't be discouraged, it's not about our weight or looks or anything like that. It's about meeting your match. Just remember: always be confident, that's the best thing about a woman.

alisonlynn1976

They can see what your body type is with your clothes on. It isn't going to be a shocking surprise when you take them off.

With online dating, make sure you have at least one photo that accurately shows your body type rather than all face shots and/or deceptive angles. If you hide your weight before meeting in person, you may indeed be rejected in person, and it's better for you and them to avoid that.

IrishGabriella

I met my boyfriend online, but I had to sort through a bunch of guys who weren't right for me first. Some were creepy, some were losers, some were great guys just not for me.

But what I'm going to say applies whether you met the guy online or in real life.

1) If he pressures you for sex before you're ready, he's not right for you.
2) If you take your clothes off and he is not appreciative, put your clothes back on and kick him to the curb.

I agree, I met my husband online. We're married ten years. I had to meet a few guys before him but luckily not too many. Someone else posted to make sure that your profile pic is accurate too, so it shows what you really look like now. Best of luck with it.