Dealin with negative comments from friends?

Cakewalk25

I'm feeling like the community here is the only place I'm getting support for my new lifestyle! Last Sunday I was at my friend's place for a Superbowl party. I brought my own snacks and didn't eat any of the ones (chips, cookies, etc.) that were being offered. My friends kept bugging me to eat them, so I finally just said I was trying to lose some of the holiday weight I had gained and wanted to eat healthier.

My friends then immediately started grilling me on what kind of diet I was on, because a lot of them are unhealthy. I said I was on a 1200 net calorie a day diet, and that I was using myfitnesspal to track my calories and nutrients. One of my friends immediately jumped all over me, saying that 1200 calories a day is "anorexic" and that anyone who logs calories has an eating disorder. I say that I've checked with my doctor that 1200 calories is fine, but he (and all my friends agree) start arguing that my doctor is obviously a quack because 1200 calories is self-destructive starvation and you need "minumum 3000 calories a day to survive". Then he makes some comment that when "he's beside me on my hospital bed as I lie there with tubes he will say "I told you so". He also said that was an "idiot" for using an iphone app to track my health, when I told him it's a very popular app and thousands of people use it, he counters with "Thousands of people online believe 9-11 was an inside job too".

Side note: this guy has lost about 100 pounds doing his version of the Atkins diet which is that he eats 90% protein and then a block of cheese a day, and doesn't touch vegetables and fruit. (It seems to be effective in losing weight, but I just can't see how it's healthy to NEVER eat vegetables or fruit? But I don't say anything to him) So he tries to tell me that the only way to lose weight is not by counting calories but by completely cutting out carbs and fruit and vegetables, which I'm glad worked fine for him, but I didn't ask him for his advice!

Then my other girl friend jumps all over me too, agreeing that 1200 a day is anorexic and that I will starve to death on it. She then starts grilling me on what I'm doing for physical exercise, and I tell her I do an hour on the treadmill a day. She adopts this really condescending tone and says "Well, you're NEVER going to lose weight counting calories and doing cardio. The ONLY way to lose weight is to powerlift at the gym and do weights. Cardio does nothing for losing weight." (Okay...I've lost weight doing cardio and watching calories before...but sure. On a side note, this girl friend probably weighs like 50 pounds more than I do) Then she starts lecturing me on cutting out sugar and pop, and I tell her "Yeah, I've cut out juice, sugared coffees, pop and refined sugars." She guffaws loudly and goes "well GOOD LUCK staying on that. I predict you fail in a month and do a massive binge and gain all your weight back and more."

Anyone else deal with these kind of problems with their friends? I don't get why it's socially acceptable to jump all over and criticize someone for trying to change to a healthy lifestyle when it's not socially acceptable to say anything when our friends don't exercise and eat crap all day. Also, why is saying you're on a diet some jumping point to everyone giving unsolicited advice when you don't ask for it? Any tips on how to deal with people like this?

LCgymnast

Friends do that. It's almost like testing your strength and will power. I'm not sure why, but people like to sometimes through people off from their own dreams. Just keep staying committed to what you do. Keep staying motivated each day. Your friends will see the benefit soon enough. Reach for your dreams and goals! No said success is easy. It's easy to go through the day-to-day motions of life....its hard to be achiever in what you want to get. Be different and be unique! I believe you can do it!!

GothyFaery

Sounds like you need better friends. On a more realistic note, sometimes it's better to just smile and nod instead of trying to make ignorant people agree with you. I haven't had to deal with anything close to what you're describing so I could be wrong but it just seems like they will never see eye to eye with you and they will not even agree to disagree. So it might just be easier to avoid the topic with them and if it comes up again, just take what they say with a grain of salt and move on without trying to explain yourself to them. You know this is working for you so just keep doing what you're doing.

Hornsby

Your friends aren't very smart. When it comes to weight loss, you are smarter than them. Let them be and carry on with what you are doing.

kgeyser

You're not obligated to tell people about your diet or give them any other information, so next time, just don't talk about it or answer questions. People can't question what you're doing if you don't give them any ammunition.

A way to avoid this completely in the future - bring healthy food items for everyone to share and plan to have small tastes of other foods as part of your calorie goal. Food is a part of social events, and in general, eating the food provided by your host and others is part of the social contract. By bringing food just for yourself and no one else, you basically sent the message that you did not want to be part of the group, and people, of course, interpreted that as you judging them by their food choices (right or wrong, it happens, just as you felt judged for your choices).

I always volunteer to bring a healthy dish that I know won't mess up my calories and plan to have small tastes of other things. My host went to the trouble to prepare food and welcome me into their home, I can find a way to work that food into my calorie goals and avoid possibly offending them. I managed to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas without anyone knowing I was trying to lose weight and still lose weight every week just by going for the healthy stuff and having small indulgences here and there. People generally don't notice if someone is having smaller portion sizes or not trying every food, but they do notice if someone makes it obvious that they don't want to participate at all.

Supadoopafly

Dealin with negative comments from friends?

Hi Cakey,

How does one deal with negative comments? Well it's easier said than done my dear, however I would suggest:
- do your research, and feel strong empowered and educated;
- follow your plan to the nth degree and be confident in what you're doing;
- try keep your business to yourself, I know they asked, but don't go into detail -it's easier that way :-); and last, but no means least!!
- smile and let it all wash over you (do you remember the Charlie Brown cartoon and the way the teacher spoke? the incomprehensible blah blah noise?, well just pretend that's all you hear!).

Smile, nod politely and let it wash, they aren't with you 24/7 so you'll do this irrespective of them and their input.

accebersmith

I'm sorry, my brain derailed when I read that your friend eats a block of cheese a day. Does he ever poop?



Sorry inner seventh grader is better now. Just ignore them, get healthier, and focus on making your life the best it can be. Your train is leaving the station, and they can come along, or they can wave at you as you leave. Their choice.

Commander_Keen

There is a few things, here
1 - Was a group discussion. interested and intread by your diet..
2- Their idots.Let them know that people who are extreamly heave are put on 1000 calorie diets.
3 - I think you need new friends
" 1200 calories a day is "anorexic" and that anyone who logs calories has an eating disorder."
Let them know that by not logging the food, is how you got to be heavy.
Also let them know that by logging food & exercise & burned calories you are using a science as a way to loose weight.

TapouTFTW

People do not like change. We like to be fat, dumb and happy with the status quo. Change is scary, change is hard, change is breath taking and change can be exhilarating. Your "friends" see you attempting to change and that may mean they have to take a look at themselves. Few people want that!

I tell my kids something my father told me, "You are who you hang out with." If you friends are over weight and want to stay that way, most will pull you down. Like crabs in a bucket, if one is close to escaping the others will pull it back down with them. If your friends are into being fit, they will lift you up. I want to be fit. You want to be fit. Most of the other people on these boards want to be fit. We dream to be better and are trying to live the dream. You were right to come here and vent!!

I hate to say this, but I whenever I change my "diet", I don't tell anyone. I just make changes and drive on. If someone notices I don't eat the same things they do, drink the same things they drink, etc. I just tell them it does not interest me. I don't go into specifics of what I am doing and how. In about 60 days people will really take notice of the change. They will then ask you, "What is different? What are you doing? How can I do what you are doing?" The you say, I made a change in how I plan on living the rest of my life. If they are interested, spill it

One things these sorts of friends can do is check your resolve. If you feel your resolution wavering, maybe you do not need to be around them. You may just need to tell them, "Look, I am trying to be a better me and you are dragging me down. Are you part of the problem by dragging me down OR part of the solution by lifting me up?" If they give you some song and dance, then you have to be stronger and continue dancing to your own beat. If they are real friends, they will come around. If they are not, they will NOT want to be around you.

Here is a hug for your resolve (Hug). Keep it up

seltzermint555

Your friends aren't very smart. When it comes to weight loss, you are smarter than them. Let them be and carry on with what you are doing.

This.

Also, if they start counting calories and believe in the 3000+ method maybe you can have their nicest clothing when they start gaining all of the weight haha

bumblebreezy91

You're not obligated to tell people about your diet or give them any other information, so next time, just don't talk about it or answer questions. People can't question what you're doing if you don't give them any ammunition.

A way to avoid this completely in the future - bring healthy food items for everyone to share and plan to have small tastes of other foods as part of your calorie goal. Food is a part of social events, and in general, eating the food provided by your host and others is part of the social contract. By bringing food just for yourself and no one else, you basically sent the message that you did not want to be part of the group, and people, of course, interpreted that as you judging them by their food choices (right or wrong, it happens, just as you felt judged for your choices).

I always volunteer to bring a healthy dish that I know won't mess up my calories and plan to have small tastes of other things. My host went to the trouble to prepare food and welcome me into their home, I can find a way to work that food into my calorie goals and avoid possibly offending them. I managed to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas without anyone knowing I was trying to lose weight and still lose weight every week just by going for the healthy stuff and having small indulgences here and there. People generally don't notice if someone is having smaller portion sizes or not trying every food, but they do notice if someone makes it obvious that they don't want to participate at all.

This.

Also, if they truly believe that you really need to be consuming 3000+ calories per day to lose weight, tell them to test it out by logging it for a week.

But really, despite them giving you a lot of *kitten* (except maybe your friend who eats a block of cheese a day - :noway: ), it only matters that you're doing what's best for you. You know what you need to do to lose the weight. Your friends made some stupid, uninformed comments and for some of them, it doesn't sound like it does them any good.

deannasueknutson

I have friends like that too. Even before I started on MFP, two of them who have always been bigger in size than me, would tell me I'm not eating enough or am to little in size. However according to my BMI, I'm obese. My friends and I love going to Olive Garden. Everytime we are there, I would eat a small portion of my pasta, where my friends would eat it all. My friends always make comments about whether I am going to eat cause it looks like I did not eat any of the pasta at all. However, I did eat some and was full after eating a salad, breadsticks, and some pasta (I don't even want to know what calories I do eat there). At least I know I can go home and not have my stomach feel like crap because I ate so much. Plus, I have yummy leftovers for another meal.

I refuse to let their comments affect me. I just keep comments to what they are telling me to myself because obviously they don't have anything to back up their information. They kind of sound like your friends such as you need 3,000 calories to survive or cardio won't help you lose weights. Mine just say working out is just silly. I still hang out with my friends, however just not as much these days. I am busier with finding time to work out and doing other things that are important to me. If these negative people in my life don't want to support me when it comes to being healthy, they don't neccessarily deserve my time. I have other friends who are trying to do what I am or have already done it. They support me 100%. I say keep what you are doing and just prove your friends wrong.

deannasueknutson

Dealin with negative comments from friends?

Hi Cakey,

How does one deal with negative comments? Well it's easier said than done my dear, however I would suggest:
- do your research, and feel strong empowered and educated;
- follow your plan to the nth degree and be confident in what you're doing;
- try keep your business to yourself, I know they asked, but don't go into detail -it's easier that way :-); and last, but no means least!!
- smile and let it all wash over you (do you remember the Charlie Brown cartoon and the way the teacher spoke? the incomprehensible blah blah noise?, well just pretend that's all you hear!).

Smile, nod politely and let it wash, they aren't with you 24/7 so you'll do this irrespective of them and their input.

This is well put. :-)

sillyvalentine

It sounds like your friends went too far with it but in all honesty 1200 calories a day is too little for anyone, unless you are recovering from surgery. Heck, my cat eats 1500 calories a day. I wouldn't trust a GP doctor to recommend a calorie intake for you. Mine also recommended 1200 calories and I started at 1500 and have lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks. (I know my ticker doesn't show it yet). You would be better off seeing a nutritionist/dietician. Sorry if I am overstepping. I am not trying to insult you.

Try not to take their comments as bashing. They probably didn't think you would take their comments to heart because they are your friends and it's easier to shrug off comments from friends.

Cakewalk25

You guys are great, thank you for all the helpful comments!

@LCgymnast - Thanks for the advice!

@GothyFaery - Good advice, I am naturally defensive but to avoid an argument I should just be quiet next time as it's clear they'll never agree with me. I am really bad at not walking away when I should

@Hornsby - Yeah, I think a lot of people don't realize that whatever works for them doesn't necessarily work for other people (for example my first friend is 6'4 and 300 pounds so I'm sure he needs WAY more calories than I do!) Thanks

@kgeyser - You raised a really good point. I didn't really consider that my actions could have been considered rude as it was a casual party and I knew everyone there well, but I could see how people could interpret it as me silently judging the food they were eating. Great suggestions on how to avoid this in the future! I know I will have to deal with this in the future as my family LOVES food, and that's a really good idea on how to avoid upsetting people.

I agree with you on not advertising the fact that you're dieting - I know there's nothing more annoying than those people on diets or fitness regimes who can talk about nothing else but that!

@Supadoopafly - Great advice! Thank you.

@accebersmith - LOL yes, a block a day as well as 2 rotisserie chickens and 3 packs of bacon a day! Interestingly, he HAS gone from about 400 to 300 on that diet, so I guess it works for him!

@Commander_Kee - Thank you!

@TapouTFTW - Good points, I think it's hard for people not to see someone refusing food while they're eating it like they're being silently judged on eating that food. (The thing is, it's really not a judgment - like I said the first friend I talked about is 6'4 and 300 pounds so I'm sure he needs way more calories than I do to function, so I would never judge him for eating more than me!) But I do think I should adopt your way of doing things of keeping quiet. I know from hearing other people who are on diets or fitness regimes how tiring it can be to hear other people talk about nothing but it, and I don't want to be one of those people! Your low-key approach probably saves a lot of headaches like this.

@seltzermint - Haha, good idea!

@bumblebreezy9 - Thanks for the advice, the comments really bugged me at first, but now that I've had some time to cool off you're right that I should now focus on my goal and forget about what they said.

@deannasueknut - Your experience is pretty similar to what I've had so far dealing with eating out. Most of my social outings revolve around food, and I think a lot people are bothered when the person they're eating with eats a much smaller portion, because it causes them to second guess if they should be watching their portion size too. Personally, I don't think it's anyone's business to comment or to take the other person's decisions as a personal judgment on them - For example, one of my friends quit drinking a while back because she thought she was drinking too much and when we go out and she just orders a Tonic Water, I don't feel like she's judging me for having a drink. Unfortunately, a lot of people lack tact in this world :P

@sillyvalentin - I have an appointment to see a dietician later this month so I'll see what she says. I've done 1200 before with no problem and I don't really feel hungry on it. You are probably right that my friends were probably genuinely concerned, I think I was just annoyed with the lack of tact :P

Thank you everyone, I feel much better now. This forum is so nice!