Self Esteem...

xscat

Not sure if it belongs to this topic but I'm just gonna throw it out here...

The past two decades of my life I struggled with weight, school performance, work performance; trying very hard to be the smart and fabulous daughter my parents could be proud of, the healthy and strong sweetheart granddaughter my grandparents would love and the understanding girlfriend. I did the right things but for the wrong reason... I struggled to prove myself, gain respect and to get love, yet still feeling inadequate like I'm not doing enough all the time...

Now that I am reasonably thin, with a pretty decent job. I have a Masters degree in Engineering from a top tier university. I am an excellent chef. I run regularly. I have decent amount of savings in my bank account. I have a very loving, supportive and intelligent boyfriend. Do all these things make me feel more secure? Maybe... But deep down I am still scared that I don't deserve all these and that if my boyfriend moves on to a better job, gets in better shape, or simply gets exposed to more women, he might leave me because I am inadequate... As a result I acts paranoid, sometimes seems unsupportive, and feel depressed about my career all the time.

I know this is ridiculous... And I am going to talk to a therapist.

But just curious how many of us are here just because we think being skinny or more attractive gains us love. I have the feeling that the right reason should be to be a healthier and happier self....

Supadoopafly

Not sure if it belongs to this topic but I'm just gonna throw it out here...

The past two decades of my life I struggled with weight, school performance, work performance; trying very hard to be the smart and fabulous daughter my parents could be proud of, the healthy and strong sweetheart granddaughter my grandparents would love and the understanding girlfriend. I did the right things but for the wrong reason... I struggled to prove myself, gain respect and to get love, yet still feeling inadequate like I'm not doing enough all the time...

Now that I am reasonably thin, with a pretty decent job. I have a Masters degree in Engineering from a top tier university. I am an excellent chef. I run regularly. I have decent amount of savings in my bank account. I have a very loving, supportive and intelligent boyfriend. Do all these things make me feel more secure? Maybe... But deep down I am still scared that I don't deserve all these and that if my boyfriend moves on to a better job, gets in better shape, or simply gets exposed to more women, he might leave me because I am inadequate... As a result I acts paranoid, sometimes seems unsupportive, and feel depressed about my career all the time.

I know this is ridiculous... And I am going to talk to a therapist.

But just curious how many of us are here just because we think being skinny or more attractive gains us love. I have the feeling that the right reason should be to be a healthier and happier self....

Hello,

I think insecurity is an unattractive trait. Unfortunately I have it in spades. I'll be honest, I do want to feel loved and thimk if I lose the weight, I'll be more attractive to men, attractive enough to be considered good enough to be someone's girlfriend ... wife, not just good enough for sex. :-(

I feel hideous. I want to dress well, realise my potential. I don't want to feel conscious.

xscat

Not sure if it belongs to this topic but I'm just gonna throw it out here...

The past two decades of my life I struggled with weight, school performance, work performance; trying very hard to be the smart and fabulous daughter my parents could be proud of, the healthy and strong sweetheart granddaughter my grandparents would love and the understanding girlfriend. I did the right things but for the wrong reason... I struggled to prove myself, gain respect and to get love, yet still feeling inadequate like I'm not doing enough all the time...

Now that I am reasonably thin, with a pretty decent job. I have a Masters degree in Engineering from a top tier university. I am an excellent chef. I run regularly. I have decent amount of savings in my bank account. I have a very loving, supportive and intelligent boyfriend. Do all these things make me feel more secure? Maybe... But deep down I am still scared that I don't deserve all these and that if my boyfriend moves on to a better job, gets in better shape, or simply gets exposed to more women, he might leave me because I am inadequate... As a result I acts paranoid, sometimes seems unsupportive, and feel depressed about my career all the time.

I know this is ridiculous... And I am going to talk to a therapist.

But just curious how many of us are here just because we think being skinny or more attractive gains us love. I have the feeling that the right reason should be to be a healthier and happier self....

Hello,

I think insecurity is an unattractive trait. Unfortunately I have it in spades. I'll be honest, I do want to feel loved and thimk if I lose the weight, I'll be more attractive to men, attractive enough to be considered good enough to be someone's girlfriend ... wife, not just good enough for sex. :-(

I feel hideous. I want to dress well, realise my potential. I don't want to feel conscious.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I think there's some truth to the statement of "being more attractive can gain you more favorable attention"... But in the long run, the inner qualities are still far more important. Yet I was in the exact same mindset when I was a little heavier. Once I got thin, I started to have this paranoia that my bf/my friends may leave me for someone who is not obsessive with weight control/exercise/healthy food and can just eat pizza and pasta with them all the time even if that potential someone might be heavier.... Yes getting thin makes me prettier. But it didn't give me the confidence I hoped.... I have self esteem issues and my mind always find something I could be insecure about.

I've been reading about self esteem how-to stuff. It helps a bit...

Kanyon17

You are not alone in your world! I always thought that these kind of feelings (being inadequate, etc.) would go aways with the pounds and that a better me would come out. I'm realising that I also have to work on that . But it's okay, go see someone, it helps

AmandaLY17

Im glad to read that you plan on seeing a professional. If you have the resources to do so they are a fabulous source of help. Way to go to actually be able to look objectively at how you are feeling. So many people know they are unhappy but dont know why so go about finding ways to make them happy doing all the wrong things (not to mention all the people who dont even realize that somethings not quite right)

Personally I think mental health should be a component of overall personal care and that we should go see someone once or twice a year for a check up!

(PS you're not alone, not by a long shot!)

peebeebs

Not sure if it belongs to this topic but I'm just gonna throw it out here...

The past two decades of my life I struggled with weight, school performance, work performance; trying very hard to be the smart and fabulous daughter my parents could be proud of, the healthy and strong sweetheart granddaughter my grandparents would love and the understanding girlfriend. I did the right things but for the wrong reason... I struggled to prove myself, gain respect and to get love, yet still feeling inadequate like I'm not doing enough all the time...

Now that I am reasonably thin, with a pretty decent job. I have a Masters degree in Engineering from a top tier university. I am an excellent chef. I run regularly. I have decent amount of savings in my bank account. I have a very loving, supportive and intelligent boyfriend. Do all these things make me feel more secure? Maybe... But deep down I am still scared that I don't deserve all these and that if my boyfriend moves on to a better job, gets in better shape, or simply gets exposed to more women, he might leave me because I am inadequate... As a result I acts paranoid, sometimes seems unsupportive, and feel depressed about my career all the time.

I know this is ridiculous... And I am going to talk to a therapist.

But just curious how many of us are here just because we think being skinny or more attractive gains us love. I have the feeling that the right reason should be to be a healthier and happier self....

It sounds like you have accomplished a lot and have a lot of great things in your life! It's a matter of how you look at it, because I read some of what you wrote and I think "Wow, that's amazing!". I have done things for the wrong reasons too, but that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, it was still a good thing you did for yourself (going to school, running, saving money) those are good things! Sometimes our thinking/motives can be a bit off but as long as we are still moving forward in life it's ok!

Learning to love yourself is a hard thing to do (I'm working on it too). I honestly believe that we don't see ourselves the same way that others do, like when we look in the mirror we actually see a physically different person than other people do when they look at us. It's good that you are reaching out for help. I think a lot of people, experience these same feelings, but many don't do anything about it, they just push them down or deal with them in unhealthy ways.

I promise you (and I think you know this) that living in fear will bring you no good. I found it to be self-defeating because letting my 'fear of being left behind' run my life, in turn, does exactly what I don't want it to do; it pulls me away from people. I had to let go of the fear that my boyfriend would leave me because it was making me miserable, and when I did let that go I started to enjoy our relationship more. I can't control other him or other people, so maybe he will leave me, it's out of my control. But what's not out of my control is myself, I have control over my life and my feelings, whatever happens I have a choice in what I do about it.

I think that you are on the right path and right now it's tough, but I promise you that you will get through this and you will look back on this in the future and be able to use your story to help others that feel the way you used to feel.

SueInAz

You are most certainly not alone in your feelings and I'm sure you're going to get a lot of posts which will reinforce that. You, however, seem to have a lot of things going for you and if you re-read objectively what you wrote about what you've accomplished so far you'll see what most of us see.

Have you tried asking your boyfriend how he feels about the situation? Don't assume that he wants you to be thin, because he very well may not or he plain just may not care. I was slightly overweight when I met my husband (1984) than I am now. I lost weight (starving college student LOL) not long after we started dating and stayed a healthy weight most of my life. In the past few years, as I've gotten older, I've added a few pounds here and there and now I'm fighting to get back to a median healthy weight. Interestingly enough, my husband doesn't want me to lose any weight, he prefers me the way I am now and shows that in the way he behaves. So again, don't assume. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship so start with this subject and see where it goes.

xscat

Thanks for all the wonderful comments

My bf prefers reasonably fit women, but not necessarily VS model women... And he assures me over and over again that he'll love me even if i bloated up to 500lbs or shrank down to 2inches tall. He's wonderful.

Yet sometimes I just feel that he's just saying that. I know he meant every word. But it's all hypothetical and things might be different if I was actually overweight... My mind always finds something to haunt me with insecurity