Need advice on dealing with a critical mother

alicat207

Hi everyone,

I am brand new to this community, but certainly not new to weight loss efforts. :-) I have a mommy problem I'm hoping to get some advice on as it may help while I'm on my weight loss journey (again). I am just feeling really down about myself right now and could use some support and advice. Heck, I haven't even started typing out the issue here and already I'm in tears! Also, I apologize in advance, because I know it's going to be long!

My mother has been critical of my appearance for over half of my life. She was the athletic and pretty member of her family. She was a majorette in HS and runner up in a local beauty pagent. She also won the "Miss" title for the little town where she grew up. After she graduated from college and got married she started gaining weight. She's been obese as long as I can remember and has Type 2 Diabetes. When I was in my teens and 20s she constantly nagged me about my looks. I was thin back then so the comments were never about weight, but rather my hair, makeup and clothes. "You have a wide face, don't wear your hair like that" / "don't put your blush on that way, put it on this way" / "don't wear that shirt, wear this one" / "You'd be prettier if...", etc. And for some reason I never fought back or stood up for myself.

Then I got into my 30s and unfortunately started putting on weight, and the focus of her comments shifted to my weight/body. "Suck in your stomach" / "don't wear that dress, it shows your gut" / "you'll have a hard time finding a husband if you are overweight". One time, we went to a social event together. It was winter so I had on my heavy coat. Before we got out of the car she told me to take off my coat because it made me look big. I refused and she started trying to pull it off me. I pushed her hand away and got out of the car. She was afraid that Mr. Right was waiting inside and would be repulsed at the sight of an average sized woman (I was probably a 12, maybe a 14) in a heavy coat. :huh:

Well despite her prediction of spinsterhood, later that same year I did meet Mr. Right and got married. A couple years after we got married, he confessed something to me that my mother said to him during our engagement. She said "I know she isn't thin or as pretty as some women, but she is a good person". Um, thaaanks Mom?? Her comment made me feel like she was apologizing to my future husband because he was marrying someone who did not look like a model. FWIW, I've had many people tell me over the years that I'm very attractive so I know I'm completely unfortunate looking! LOL. And my husband thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am and isn't bothered by extra pounds.

Just this past summer I was back home for a week and we were shopping together (word to the wise: NEVER go clothes shopping with someone who is critical of your looks). She saw a dress on a manequin and said to me "wouldn't it be nice if we were thin enough to wear that dress?". I was floored. It was as though she thought if you weren't the same size as that fake model, you couldn't wear that dress because it only came in one size (FTR, she thinks a size 6/8 (US) is the holy grail of body sizes). The only thing that stopped me from packing up and leaving was the fact that she was scheduled for a lumpectomy in 2 days and I was home to help care for her after surgery. I let her know I was hurt and angry, but I stayed for her sake. She thought her comment was fine because she said "we" when referring to not being able to wear the dress, not "you" as in me. She totally missed the point that her comment was not a nice thing to say.

She told me a story once about when she had come home from college for the summer and was about 15 pounds heavier. As soon as her mother saw her she said, "fatty fatty 2x4, can't fit through an open door" and immediately put her on a diet. She acted like that didn't hurt her feelings, but how could that not hurt a young woman's feelings? It's like she thinks because her mother said that to her, its her right as my mother to criticize me whenever she wants.
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I have talked to her countless times and told her that her comments hurt my feelings, make me feel bad about myself, and that it is not fair for her to criticize my weight when she is overweight herself. I have asked her to stop, begged her to stop even. But she would blow it off and tell me I was being overly sensitive. She would turn it around on me and remind me that "well, you've hurt my feelings before too", like she was returning the hurt or something. If I push the issue enough she will throw her hands up and say she's sorry. But I know my mother, and these apologies are not sincere. She will stop for a few weeks and then it starts back up again. She doesn't take my requests to stop the criticizing seriously, and I don't know what to do. And it isn't always just me that she pokes at. She has made critical comments to me about people we know, such as pointing out that a friend who had recently given birth was still carrying some baby weight, and how that her best friend's 30 y/o daughter had definitely lost her youthful glow. She just puts SO MUCH emphasis on physical appearance and it really disgusts me.

I have just started working with a weight loss counselor, and have set a goal to lose 20 pounds by early Spring. Have I told my mother? No, and I don't plan to. Her countless comments have left me not wanting her to even know what I'm doing. I don't want to field her questions because I know it will just lead to arguing and hurt feelings. Admittedly, I am somewhat defensive, but that is only because of all the unwarranted things she has said over the years. It builds up until your back is automatically against the wall.

Has anybody been through this, or can you relate to it? I would really love any suggestions on how to handle it, how to get her to stop. I am 40 years old and quite frankly feel like I have bigger things to deal with in life than my mother's hangup over weight.

TIA!

Flab2fitfi

I have quite an estrange relationship with my mum - to the point I moved 300 miles away and never gone back.

I can remember losing weight before and she came for a visit and her first words Oh I can tell you have lost weight as you boobs have got smaller. everything she says is critical and sometime nasty. However she has learnt that to have a relationship with me and her grand children she has to keep her mouth shut. Eventually it got to the point that my sis ordered her out of our house as she could not behave and we did not speak for months. She finally realised hat she has to be nice otherwise we don't talk.

I would start with telling her this and make plans with your hubby that when you visit her and she starts you will just walk out. If she can not be civil then you do not need to be around her. It may take a few tears but hopefully she may realise that her behaviour is not acceptable.

MysteriousMerlin

You're not going to be able to change her. What you can change is how you react to what she says.

My methods for dealing with it are likely going to be too...harsh. Tough love, I guess you could call it. Maybe before you even leave to go somewhere with her, tell her that you're fine with how you are, and that you're not going to listen to anything negative about your weight or apperance. And then when she starts, you leave. Walk away, or go home, or just away from her. Don't say anything, just walk away from her. Hopefully she'll get a clue soon enough.

You don't have to put up with her making you feel bad. I know it's not easy to be separated from someone you love, but when that person underminds your confidence, you have to weigh the difference. Does your desire to spend time with her outweigh the hurt feelings?

Dugleik

I meet with my mother twice a month at family dinner where my sisters are as well. I do not spend one-on-one time with her since I don't have time to spend time in jail for matricide (although I have practised saying 'it was justifiable by any definition' with a straight face).

txgoatgirl

The most important thing to remember in life, is "don't take anything personally". I have been doing a lot of work with this lately. What it boils down to is that what people have inside is what people project. When people say ugly things to you it is because they are dealing with unresolved hurtful issues that have happened in their past. You said yourself that she was once young and thin and now overweight, as well as, that she is saying things that her mother said to her. Once you can recognize this you can love more deeply. When you can step back and say "Mom, I get it. You were hurt when your mother said these things to you, and you are worried about what might happen to me. But, I'm ok. I love who I am; I am happy and my weight does not define me."

A great website with resources on how to implement thoughts like these is www.healyourlife.com.

kbmnurse

why would you subject yourself to such cruelty. As far as I am concerned your mother is not worthy of you. STAY away she is toxic. Only you can stop the cycle.

mmcdonald700

Hey,

I can't say I've personally had to deal with this as my mother has rarely, if ever, commented on my appearance or weight. However, I do have a very close friend who has struggled with similar things with her mother. The key thing to remember is, as I'm sure you know but sometimes it's harder to believe when you're in the situation is: the problem is her problem. You still have problems to deal with but their root cause is your unhealthy relationship with your mother. Basically, your mother hates herself and is projecting this on to you because if she can make you feel that way about yourself too she isn't alone. Your relationship her is unhealthy and it isn't entirely your fault. You can't choose your family the way that you can choose your friends - I hope that you at least have a supportive and loving husband and friend group. I have two suggestions:

1) Ex-communicate your mother from your life. This isn't an easy choice or something to take lightly, but this relationship is clearly toxic to you. This doesn't mean you don't have to work - but you will have to choose to work on yourself and the problems you have stemming from that abusive relationship without her. This, I would say, is probably a last resort if #2 doesn't work. Don't walk away from a relationship with any feelings other than: I tried everything I could, I'm satisfied with my efforts, and I feel no ill-will/have no "hard feelings" about ending the relationship.

2) (I suggest trying first) Tell your mother that you believe your relationship isn't healthy and that you need to work on it. Maybe even give her an ultimatum if you have to "Work on it with me (counseling or whatever), or I'm out of your life". If she throws a hissy fit about it just let it be and stand by your decision. If she wants to be a part of your life she will have to work on it with you. Again, I suggest counseling from a trained professional - you both need to work on yourselves as people and together as a friendship.

Obviously I'm not a trained professional.. but after watching my friend suffer with a mother who has mental illness she refuses to treat and instead abuses her family, these are the thoughts that I have. It sounds extreme but sometimes we underestimate the impact our toxic relationships have on our life - we get used to abuse and the cycle of abuse. You deserve to be happy . Good luck!

txgoatgirl

There is a great saying - "How people treat you is their karma. How you react to it is yours" - Wayne Dyer

threefancy

Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to spend time with them. If all she does is make you feel bad about yourself and won't listen to you try to explain it to her, then stop going to see her.

mreeves261

There are a few things to remember when dealing with your mother. And I am saying this from someone with a similar mother to yours. We are pretty much the same age so I will assume our mothers are relatively close.

A - She grew up in a time when women we to be seen and not heard. They were there as a decoration for their husband and looks mattered.

B - She got the same thing from her mother, as she told you in the story of fatty, fatty. Her mother probably got it from her mother, so on and so on.

C - There is not much you can do to change her opinion at this point.

D - She has probably been a victim of more fad diets than you will ever know.

Your mother still loves you and is trying, very unsuccessfully, to show you she cares about your weight. While her comments are hurtful, it is unlikely she means them that way.

Some of the things I remember form childhood are being put on the grapefruit diet at 12 years old. At 13 having my appendix removed and told "well at least you lost an ounce or 2." At 10 being told "I won't buy you those stirrup pants because you look like a stuffed sausage in them!" My father singing the Jello commercial when I walk into or out of a room. So as you can see, I never really had the most supportive family.

I know it sucks and I know it hurts but here is what I will suggest. Love yourself, regardless of what your mother says, love yourself. everyday tell yourself your loved and worthy. It may feel awkward but it helps. Eventually, as you learn, and lose weight because you want to , the things others say will have little to no impact on you. Generally you will learn they are mostly envious of your progress because they don't have the self control or dedication. They will try to derail you, hinder you, but this is a lifestyle, not a diet. Once the new healthy habits are formed they are there until you decide to break the habit.

I don't know if any of this helped but it was a shot. you are welcome to add me as a friend if you want. I will help where I can.

LRoslin

Hoo boy, I could write a book on my mother and she's pretty much like yours. When I was nine she barged in on me while I was in the bathtub and told me I had so many "rolls" on my stomach I looked like a Christmas tree. I was told at age 14 that I had "Fertile Myrtle" hips that were "made for birthin'" (Bear in mind that when I did get married I was ordered to NOT have children and make her a grandmother). When we went clothes shopping, the common refrain was, "oh, that looks good on you, it hides your stomach/butt/lack of a chest." My mother also detests overweight people, too bad for her my dad is heavy and has been since he stopped jogging in his 30s.

I don't know if my solution will work for you, however. I haven't spoken to my mother now for years. It all came to a head over an argument involving my son, and TL;DR, I told her I didn't want to hear from her until she could treat me and my husband like the adults we were. That was nearly 12 years ago.

A lot of what I suspect is going on with your mother is, she refuses to think of you as an adult. Very often, mothers who tend to be narccissistic will see their children as extensions of themselves, a public reflection of themselves, and so think it's perfectly fine to snark on their appearance, because it reflects on THEM. But as the child grows up, they become individuals, and less likely to march to Mom's tune. And from your mom's history, she's trying relive her glory days through you, and well, that's just messed up.

There's a lot of control (or desire for control), and that's her problem. It sounds like her mother was a lot like her, and she's just continuing the tradition. You have a chance to break that cycle. You have the advantage--you're aware that her comments and her behavior are NOT normal, nor acceptable in a healthy mother-daughter relationship (or any adult relationship, for that matter).

You could write her a letter telling her how you feel. I tried that. My mom just blew it off. If I could do it over again, I would have just not visited with my parents--this would have been very difficult, because my brother had recently died and I was their only child--but it would have been the best thing for my marriage and my kids. My kids are much healthier for having not known my parents. This always shocks people, unless they know my mom, and then they understand.

Or you could, when she wants to spend time together, cheerfully tell her, gosh, you're so busy, sorry Mom. Or you could be honest and tell her you've decided to surround yourself with supportive people who are not going to tear you down at every opportunity.

She will probably act like you're hurting her feelings, but you're not. If she's as narcissistic as she sounds, all you're doing is bruising her ego a bit and she'll bounce back. My mother certainly has. The last time I saw her was at my grandmother's funeral 5 years ago, and all she said to me was "Thanks for coming" and walked away, publicly snubbing both me and her grandson that she'd never met. She's doing fine.

LRoslin

I meet with my mother twice a month at family dinner where my sisters are as well. I do not spend one-on-one time with her since I don't have time to spend time in jail for matricide (although I have practised saying 'it was justifiable by any definition' with a straight face).

Ha! This cracked me up.

ponycyndi

I have to agree with those who say to walk away. While not about weight, my mother has always been controlling and hypercritical. So when she starts in on it, I either hang up the phone, or leave. It took many years before she even started to scale back on the lectures, and even 15 years after I left her house, she still thinks she has to tell me what to do. So I prepare myself to keep our visits very short. I cannot change her, only my own response.

dakotababy

I have a critical mom. She has never been critical of my appearance, but she is full of anxiety and often tries to talk me out of doing normal everyday things. Ex - wanting to go on vacation "well you shouldnt because...this that and the other" or I am going to change my hair colour "why would you do that?" Always challenging everything I do. The thought of getting married or having babies once terrified me because of what her reaction would be.

Basically, I have distanced myself from her. I only talk to her in small amounts. I do not tell her much about my personal life, and when I do and she tries to talk me out of something, I end the conversation and tell her why later (when I have cooled down). Just because she is your mom, does not mean you have to let her walk all over you. If she was anyone else...a co-worker, friend, acquaintance - Im sure you would not put up with that. Parents have no right to be bullies to their children, as much as some may think they have some sort of "right" to do so.

concordancia

Your mother has issues that she is projecting onto you. Get therapy to learn how to not take on her criticism that really have nothing whatsoever to do with you.

erickirb

Just break up already

bkyoun

Just block it out. Don't let it get to you. You need to love yourself and be happy with who you are and not worry what she thinks. It doesn't matter anyway. Learn to laugh at it and not let it ruin your day. http://www.forbes.com/sites/cherylsnappconner/2013/11/18/mentally-strong-people-the-13-things-they-avoid/

lizziebeth1028

Hi everyone,

I am brand new to this community, but certainly not new to weight loss efforts. :-) I have a mommy problem I'm hoping to get some advice on as it may help while I'm on my weight loss journey (again). I am just feeling really down about myself right now and could use some support and advice. Heck, I haven't even started typing out the issue here and already I'm in tears! Also, I apologize in advance, because I know it's going to be long!

My mother has been critical of my appearance for over half of my life. She was the athletic and pretty member of her family. She was a majorette in HS and runner up in a local beauty pagent. She also won the "Miss" title for the little town where she grew up. After she graduated from college and got married she started gaining weight. She's been obese as long as I can remember and has Type 2 Diabetes. When I was in my teens and 20s she constantly nagged me about my looks. I was thin back then so the comments were never about weight, but rather my hair, makeup and clothes. "You have a wide face, don't wear your hair like that" / "don't put your blush on that way, put it on this way" / "don't wear that shirt, wear this one" / "You'd be prettier if...", etc. And for some reason I never fought back or stood up for myself.

Then I got into my 30s and unfortunately started putting on weight, and the focus of her comments shifted to my weight/body. "Suck in your stomach" / "don't wear that dress, it shows your gut" / "you'll have a hard time finding a husband if you are overweight". One time, we went to a social event together. It was winter so I had on my heavy coat. Before we got out of the car she told me to take off my coat because it made me look big. I refused and she started trying to pull it off me. I pushed her hand away and got out of the car. She was afraid that Mr. Right was waiting inside and would be repulsed at the sight of an average sized woman (I was probably a 12, maybe a 14) in a heavy coat. :huh:

Well despite her prediction of spinsterhood, later that same year I did meet Mr. Right and got married. A couple years after we got married, he confessed something to me that my mother said to him during our engagement. She said "I know she isn't thin or as pretty as some women, but she is a good person". Um, thaaanks Mom?? Her comment made me feel like she was apologizing to my future husband because he was marrying someone who did not look like a model. FWIW, I've had many people tell me over the years that I'm very attractive so I know I'm completely unfortunate looking! LOL. And my husband thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am and isn't bothered by extra pounds.

Just this past summer I was back home for a week and we were shopping together (word to the wise: NEVER go clothes shopping with someone who is critical of your looks). She saw a dress on a manequin and said to me "wouldn't it be nice if we were thin enough to wear that dress?". I was floored. It was as though she thought if you weren't the same size as that fake model, you couldn't wear that dress because it only came in one size (FTR, she thinks a size 6/8 (US) is the holy grail of body sizes). The only thing that stopped me from packing up and leaving was the fact that she was scheduled for a lumpectomy in 2 days and I was home to help care for her after surgery. I let her know I was hurt and angry, but I stayed for her sake. She thought her comment was fine because she said "we" when referring to not being able to wear the dress, not "you" as in me. She totally missed the point that her comment was not a nice thing to say.

She told me a story once about when she had come home from college for the summer and was about 15 pounds heavier. As soon as her mother saw her she said, "fatty fatty 2x4, can't fit through an open door" and immediately put her on a diet. She acted like that didn't hurt her feelings, but how could that not hurt a young woman's feelings? It's like she thinks because her mother said that to her, its her right as my mother to criticize me whenever she wants.
.
I have talked to her countless times and told her that her comments hurt my feelings, make me feel bad about myself, and that it is not fair for her to criticize my weight when she is overweight herself. I have asked her to stop, begged her to stop even. But she would blow it off and tell me I was being overly sensitive. She would turn it around on me and remind me that "well, you've hurt my feelings before too", like she was returning the hurt or something. If I push the issue enough she will throw her hands up and say she's sorry. But I know my mother, and these apologies are not sincere. She will stop for a few weeks and then it starts back up again. She doesn't take my requests to stop the criticizing seriously, and I don't know what to do. And it isn't always just me that she pokes at. She has made critical comments to me about people we know, such as pointing out that a friend who had recently given birth was still carrying some baby weight, and how that her best friend's 30 y/o daughter had definitely lost her youthful glow. She just puts SO MUCH emphasis on physical appearance and it really disgusts me.

I have just started working with a weight loss counselor, and have set a goal to lose 20 pounds by early Spring. Have I told my mother? No, and I don't plan to. Her countless comments have left me not wanting her to even know what I'm doing. I don't want to field her questions because I know it will just lead to arguing and hurt feelings. Admittedly, I am somewhat defensive, but that is only because of all the unwarranted things she has said over the years. It builds up until your back is automatically against the wall.

Has anybody been through this, or can you relate to it? I would really love any suggestions on how to handle it, how to get her to stop. I am 40 years old and quite frankly feel like I have bigger things to deal with in life than my mother's hangup over weight.

TIA!

Honey, I'm gonna be honest. I didn't read all of your post..first paragraph, last paragraph, skimmed through some other lines. Because here's my sincere opinion - you're 40 years old, go out and be your own woman. Own it! Don't look to others for validation. Because it's more likely your mother will NEVER come around, she may be critical of you till the day she dies. That's HER problem. Not yours. Lose weight for yourself, and please please work on your self esteem. Learn to love yourself and surround yourself with positive people! Limit your interaction with your mother!

JuliaLee67

sounds a lot like my mother. i cut her out of my life, moved 2,000 miles away, and only deal with her when i absolutely HAVE to [for instance, if she died, i'd send my brother a shovel]. not having to listen to her, look at her, or deal with her has done wonders for me. i have no regrets. sometimes toxic people need to be cut out like cancers in order for the healing process to begin.

VelveteenArabian

I'd give it right back to her. When she eats, ask if she's going to eat ALL of that? No matter how small it was. When tents and tarps go on sale is make sure she knew and would ask if she wanted to go get a new outfit. Stuff like that. Whenever she made a comment I would toss it right back at her.

But I am mean.

Lesa_Sass

I would suggest going to therapy. You will probably find that there are many underlying things in your life that has been affected by her actions and words that you do not even realize.

Therapy was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I learned so much about myself and how to handle things, I also learned how to set boundaries and advocate for myself with out feeling guilty about it.

One of the hardest things we go through in life is going from that moment where we think our parents are super heros to realizing they are arseholes. Its okay, not one parent in this world is perfect. They are doing what they consider the best they can. You are not alone.

Try therapy, it will help you forgive yourself and forgive her, and most importantly, stop the vicious cycle.

You are worth it. :flowerforyou: