Body Image Problems

lizw1218

I'm 5'8 and on any given day my weight will range from 153-157 pounds.
I was bulimic when I was in high school, and every so often I relapse.
Last week, I binged and purged every day. On a few days, it was more than once.
I'm in college and am constantly surrounded by tiny girls and attractive guys.
I can tell people will treat me differently depending on my given weight.
Last year when I was a freshman, I weighed 143. I ran every day and ate an extremely strict diet. I got a lot of male attention and positive feedback, but it only fueled my obsession with my weight and with working out.
It was unsustainable, and last spring my weight shot up to 160. I was mortified and depressed.
I feel people won't accept me if I'm above a certain weight. That overweight girls are treated so horribly in this country, and it makes me incredibly sad.
I know I meat myself up way too much, like a lot of people with bulimia do.
For the past few months, I've been running about 4 days a week, but sometimes I just can't seem to look in the mirror and not hate on myself. I have muscular calves I know will never be rail-skinny like I want. And then, I hate the media seared a ''perfect body'' image into my mind in the first place.
Is anyone else going through something similar? Or has been through something like it?
I feel like I have no one to talk to. I'm not spiraling out of control and I'm not hurting myself. I realize I have control, I just need someone to talk to. Someone who can relate. I just want to learn to love myself.

WBB55

I have had many things in common with you, it seems.

Honestly, I suggest finding a hobby you enjoy where there's other women like you. For me, it was joining a sports team. I get to work out, have fun, talk with women who've gone thru similar things. And you also will gain self esteem, which will help you see the person in the mirror differently.

The thing is, and I know you don't realize this yet, many many many of the women you see every day have gone thru similar things. You just need to talk to them to find this out.

Good luck to you.

maracuya23

The blog "weightless" by Margarita Tartakovsky has a refreshing perspective on weight and body image that might resonate with you.

And you're not alone- I know so many women who have struggled with the same issues, especially while in college. If there's one thing I wish I could go back and change, it would be talking through my weight obsession, (and my need to restrict or punish myself for not looking perfect) with someone good and getting a different perspective on it in my 20s instead of waiting til my 30s

AliceDark

I went through a lot of the same stuff, and occasionally it all comes roaring back. Sometimes months go by and I don't think about it, and then sometimes it feels like each day is a struggle.

I second the idea of finding a hobby where you can talk with like-minded women. Anything that gets me "into" my body and concentrate on how it's feeling and moving (instead of feeling like I'm outside it and concentrating on how it looks) really helps.

Another thing that helped me a lot was working to change what I thought of as the "perfect body." Try to think of women you consider beautiful for any reason other than being skinny. (Not the same as thinking someone's pretty despite not being skinny!) Bettie Page is one of my biggest body role models, precisely because she's curvy.

kmalacho

I cannot say strongly enough how much I encourage you to make an appointment with your college's counseling center. Talking with randos on a forum is not going to address the issues causing you to binge and purge. I have gone to my school's counseling center on and off for the last 5 years for a variety of issues, some minor, some deeper. Because it's a university, it is most likely completely free and there is absolutely no shame in going in for an emotional "tune up" sometimes. Having someone to talk to, to give you perspective, and to ask the right questions to make you re-evaluate is AMAZING. Please please please consider it!

I second a previous poster's message to try to redefine in your mind what a healthy and attractive body looks like. Celebrities and models may be rail thin, but if you ask most guys what they like, it's curves and a toned body. Focusing on weight lifting rather than cardio may help you get the toned look that most people find very attractive. Rail thin looks unhealthy to me.