How do you get through past emotional pain?

mrskatbevins

I know I have an eating disorder. I know I use food as an emotional crutch.

I started gaining weight around 6 years old. My mother died when I was 5 and my father got remarried 6 month later to a woman who was abusive towards me. Things got worse from there. She used to call me names like pig, fatso, lard *kitten* and names like wise. The biggest issue was most of this is she wore the same size clothing as me. Nothing I did was right, nothing I did was good enough and I would amount to nothing.

Things got to the lowest point when my father passed away when I was 21. Even at my fathers funeral she shunned me, even made me sit in a different pew at the church.

Eventually she got really sick, and out of the goodness of my heart I was the only one out of the 4 kids in our family to visit her everyday. Eventually she apologized realizing how awful she had been to me.

I'm 30 years old, and was never taught anything a mother should be teaching a daughter besides cooking and cleaning. Not even normal teenage things, I had to teach myself how to shave and wear makeup.

Sometimes I feel cheated out of a normal childhood due to her behavior.

I am now married to a man who is my best friend and accepts me for who I am. But I have trouble sometimes accepting myself.

I decided my weight at my highest of 420 lbs was just not okay. Looking at my wedding pictures I'm ashamed and her voice rings through my head, and I turn to food.

I have lost 71 pounds but in the last month I have gained and lost and gained and lost 10 pounds and can't seem to get lower than 349.

I don't know how to motivate myself anymore. I know I'm not a failure cause I'm not giving up but I'm stuck.

I know I deserve better.

How do I get that voice out of my head? How do I make the half of my life was filled with so much negativity go away?

feelin_gr_8

Therapy might be helpful for you. I struggle with depression and emotional eating but will admit that I didn't find therapy especially helpful (at least not at the prices I had to pay, lol) 3 things I've found useful so far:

*tell someone I'm struggling-my husband or a friend. Them knowing that my mood is down and I might sabotage myself in my weight loss attempts is helpful.

*be real with yourself. Ask yourself these questions: "Why do I feel like this right now?" "Will food solve the problem?" "What WILL solve the problem?"

*Look at my weight loss comparison picture so far (my main photo)-HUGE inspiration!

Fivepts

Dr. George Simon has written some good books about people with your step-mom's personality. You might find them helpful. Hang in there. Sort the lies from the truth. Chunk the lies.

neandermagnon

Counselling. Find a counsellor/therapist who's qualified in treating PTSD or other childhood trauma, child abuse etc related issues, and go from there. It's not easy to overcome this kind of stuff, especially when it starts so young, before you've even got a sense of who you are and how you fit in to the world. That's why child abuse is such a heinous crime. Abuse is hard enough to deal with as an adult.... how can a child deal with that kind of thing from the very people who were supposed to be caring for them and protecting them? You absolutely do deserve better.... and a good counsellor/therapist can help you shut those voices up and enable you to get on with your life without that childhood stuff being like a millstone always dragging you down. (note: even if you've tried counselling before, sometimes it doesn't work out because you don't get on with that particular therapist... don't be afraid to "shop around" or get someone new if their methods don't suit you... and if you have to pay to get a good enough therapist, then find a way to pay for it because it's your life and your mental health.... what's more important than that?)

There's also probably a lot of self-help stuff around, there are quite a few books about overcoming the problems that come from such a difficult childhood. It can be done, and it's not a question of self help versus counselling... both can be really helpful. Ultimately you can learn to love and appreciate yourself and be who you want to be and not be constantly dragged down by the past.

Regarding motivation for weight loss, this will come when you really love and accept yourself... but you can use other tricks to stick with it when you *don't* feel motivated, like getting yourself into good habits (logging everything, doing some kind of regular exercise) - and very importantly, if you slip up, then focus *only* on getting right back on track... no beating yourself up or dwelling on the slip-up. Just get on with the plan and be very very kind to yourself. Also, find some other way to comfort yourself when you're feeling down. Anything that's not self-destructive and doesn't involve eating. a lot of people find exercise good for this, e.g. going for a walk or a run or doing a workout... that way you're not only using food to feel better, you're doing something positive instead... and the endorphins from it really do help you to feel better.

SaintGiff

Agree with the above posters about finding a good therapist. Look at my photo. Look closely. That's what happens if you don't work through it. You let it linger and eat away at you and it forces you to make choices that result in looking like the guy in my picture. You don't want to look like that, do you?

toaster6

I think it'd be best to find someone to talk to, preferably a professional. Emotional pain is very difficult to just "get over" on your own. I think once you talk that out, motivation will come easier. For now, just get in the habit of logging and learning about nutrition. Best of luck to you hun.

TheLadyBane

I agree that talking with a professional would be a great idea. One thing I found valuable was a book called "Life is Hard, Food is Easy". It helps you identify your personal triggers for emotional eating and help you find healthier habits to replace comfort eating. It is actually an insightful and enjoyable read.

Here is the Amazon product page if you want to check out a description and reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Hard-Food-Easy-Emotional/dp/0895260573/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392277819&sr=8-1&keywords=Food+is+Easy,+Life+is+Hard

paperfiish

Definitely agree with the above posters. Talk to someone. Find a talk therapist if you can. If money is an issue, look for training clinics. These are clinics and the like where interns go to work under licensed therapists while they get their 3000 something hours of experience. Often times these places charge a sliding scale fee and are much lower than a normal therapist in the first place. During your intake, tell them you want someone focusing on disordered eating, they'll know how to work with everything else while focusing on your damaged relationship with your body and food.

Until then, I highly suggest the youtube video creator Kati Morton (just google "youtube Kati Morton"). She's a talk therapist (intern at the moment but just finished her hours so she's testing for her licence this year) who specializes in disordered eating and makes a lot of really great videos on the subject that might help you work through your issues on your own until you can find someone. Not only is she really personable and knowledgeable, but there's a community of her watchers who are going through similar things, so you might find some support and friendship in that community.

Also, while the text and some of the practices are outdated, I found some comfort in the book "Self Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. She talks to her readers with a compassion and understanding that makes you feel like she really cares about your welfare, and her encouraging words are practical but positive. My favorite that really helps me on my bad days is when she's talking about recovering from anxiety disorders (of which disordered eating is one): You may have been sick for years, but it will not take you the same amount of time to get well. And you CAN get well!

SunofaBeach14

I find running and lifting to be amazingly effective at keeping me happy and level. It obviously depends on the severity of what you are dealing with, and counseling may be in order, but exercise has worked wonders for me. And, this also may not work for you, but I made the conscious decision to let my past go. It will always be there and I accept it as part of who I am, but it doesn't define me.

Athena53

I agree with the therapy idea- I've been though therapy a few times in my life when I needed mid-course corrections.

In my case, I was married to a verbally abusive, alcoholic husband who put me down every chance he got. I divorced him in 1997 after 13 years of marriage and his drinking eventually killed him in 2010. Both my son and I have gotten beyond it. The people who make others that miserable are usually miserable themselves. If you were the only one out of 5 kids who visited your stepmother daily, that's probably true of her, too. Who knows what kind of parenting she had. I know that her apologies don't make up for what she did, but at least you got some closure from hearing her admit that the way she treated you was wrong.

You've already made significant progress in your weight loss and you have a good husband. Those are huge positives. Good luck in getting the extra support you need to keep up the momentum!

llabruce4

Seeing someone may be what you need, as I know it helps a ton of people. But also realize that you have someone who loves you and there must be a reason. Dont hold on to the anger for what hap[pened in your past, because it made you who you are. Fight through it and just win each day, and good luck getting yourself healthy

amy1612

I third, fourth, fifth or whatever it is the suggestion to see a counsellor. Being able to finally let those feelings go and realise that theyre just holding you back will be REALLY freeing