My wife is driving me insane
k9education
Posts: 920 Member
A few weeks ago, she told me that she's comfortable with her weight and that she loves junk food too much to ever give it up or eat it in moderation. This wasn't exactly news, but ok ... Then last week she tells me that she really needs to lose weight and cut down on sweets because deep down, she knows she's likely already diabetic (but refuses to go to a doc to confirm). OK, great. That lasted for about a day. Then today she starts in again about needing to lose weight and states that she's starting tomorrow ... again. All the back and forth is driving me a little batty, but I totally get it and I'm sure most of you do also.
Here's what's really driving me nuts though ... She wants to lose weight (2 lbs per week), level out her blood sugars, combat her borderline anemia, and so forth, but she isn't willing to do any of the things necessary to achieve her goals.
She doesn't want to eat more protein. She has zero willingness to eat more meat, poultry, fish, dairy, soy - nothing high in protein. Moreover, she wants those calories for carbs. I remind her that the excess carbs (her diet is typically ~70% carbs) and more specifically, the high GI/GL carbs, need to be reduced if she wants to lower her blood sugars. Nope, she won't do it. She wants to lose 2 lbs per week, but doesn't want to eat at the deficit necessary for that loss. I suggest she aim for a more moderate 1 lb per week, but she said that will take too long and thus, is not acceptable. OK, what about exercise? If you exercise, you can eat back those calories (as I do). Nope, she's not willing to exercise. She's been down that road, hates it, and has no desire to ever do it again. No weights, no cardio, no nothing.
Basically, she wants to continue to live and eat as she has always done, but wants the body of a supermodel. To me, this is the equivalent of waking up every day for 10 years insisting that you want to be an MD, but refusing to ever enroll in med school. I just want to scream every time she brings up the diet quest again because it's just the same tired *kitten* discussion about all the things she wants and all the things she *won't* do.
Here's what's really driving me nuts though ... She wants to lose weight (2 lbs per week), level out her blood sugars, combat her borderline anemia, and so forth, but she isn't willing to do any of the things necessary to achieve her goals.
She doesn't want to eat more protein. She has zero willingness to eat more meat, poultry, fish, dairy, soy - nothing high in protein. Moreover, she wants those calories for carbs. I remind her that the excess carbs (her diet is typically ~70% carbs) and more specifically, the high GI/GL carbs, need to be reduced if she wants to lower her blood sugars. Nope, she won't do it. She wants to lose 2 lbs per week, but doesn't want to eat at the deficit necessary for that loss. I suggest she aim for a more moderate 1 lb per week, but she said that will take too long and thus, is not acceptable. OK, what about exercise? If you exercise, you can eat back those calories (as I do). Nope, she's not willing to exercise. She's been down that road, hates it, and has no desire to ever do it again. No weights, no cardio, no nothing.Basically, she wants to continue to live and eat as she has always done, but wants the body of a supermodel. To me, this is the equivalent of waking up every day for 10 years insisting that you want to be an MD, but refusing to ever enroll in med school. I just want to scream every time she brings up the diet quest again because it's just the same tired *kitten* discussion about all the things she wants and all the things she *won't* do.
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I think I have occasionally been guilty of doing something similar to this, although I don't think to that extreme. A lot of the time people make grand statements about new goals they have or things they want to accomplish, but the duration of whatever plan they come up with usually only lasts as long as the mood it was derived in.
Try not to be too hard on her. It can be really confusing to know where to start, and trying to focus on all those things at once is probably not the way to go with someone who sounds so resistant to change.
Maybe try to help her find one small thing to focus on for a few weeks, like a calorie limit or reducing her carb intake, and then add on from there.0 -
i clicked your name thinking id learn something about dogs..i didnt...sigh0
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All I can say is good luck! It sounds like quite the predicament. However, if she really wants the change, it won't be from anything you say (more than likely). I was the same way, being so wishwashy. However, after a bit, it just clicks.
Good luck to your sanity and her goals!0 -
My husband is doing the same thing. He wants to lose and not change anything. LOL! He did pick up my new dumb bell set and put them on the check out stand and then put them back down in the cart. Baby steps!0
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All you can do is listen and pretty much ignore. She has to flip her own switch to make the lifestyle changes to meet her goals. Sounds like when she is truly ready and gets started you will be willing and able to help. At least she is thinking about it and maybe just thinking out loud. The diabetes is serious thing though. Surely she should seek help for that.
It IS part of our duty as a wife to drive our husbands insane over something - maybe you are getting off easy!0 -
That's a tough one. I know a lot of people will accept advice from strangers or experts that they won't accept from their spouse. Could that be happening here? A couple ideas come to mind. One is to make a chart of the things that she can do to accomplish her goals - like eat protein, exercise, reduce carbs, etc. Ask her to check off which ones she will do. If she doesn't check any, then say fine it won't work. Next time she brings it up, hand her the chart.
Or tell her that you will support whatever she wants to do to achieve her goals, but she needs to go to a doctor and a dietician to get advice on what she needs to do because as her spouse you cannot coach her as shown by past discussions.
Three, make a romantic game of it. Change one thing at a time so she isn't bombarded, and find ways to make it fun. She doesn't like "exercise" but would she like a nightly walk with you, or for the two of you to take salsa or other dance lessons? She doesn't like protein, but would she like the two of you to explore a cooking class, or smoothie making class (I make a high protein chocolate smoothie that I dare her not to like.) There are a lot of great junk food recipes that are healthier, using beans, applesauce, etc.
The diabetes is serious. If she doesn't already have it she may be on the road to developing it. The long term consequences of ignoring it are dire. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and the stress of being in denial about it will prevent any progress. That is one that I would be supportive on, offer to go in with her, get it tested and you two will face it together. Better to change a diet than to have toes amputated, go blind, or wind up in a wheel chair. She has to know that you love her for herself, and that any effort to focus on weight is for her to be healthy, not criticism of weight.
Good luck, its a tough situation.0 -
I can relate, as me and/or my husband have been on both sides of this coin. All you can really do is model the desired behavior and not enable/make it easier for her to continue with her poor habits. Good Luck!0
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She pretty much has to decide do it.. something just clicks in our heads that makes us stick to it but until the click happens we all are off and on again..0
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so she wants to keep doing what she is going and expect different results???
good luck to you brother…I feel your pain …0 -
I feel for you:). I have family members like that. I just say things like, "well you can", "well we already discussed this", "well you know what to do", and "I really have nothing to say because we discussed this already". Of course it's easier for me because it's not my spouse we're talking about. I just try not to take these things on. If I did I'd probably lose my mind!0
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That sounds genuinely frustrating. I have to agree with above posters, the diabetes is a scary possibility and it does absolutely no good to ignore it. But there isn't much you can do if she isn't willing to change. You do you and she'll either come around or she'll keep complaining but taking no action. It's up to her and all you can do is encourage her to take care of herself.0
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I will say this, you are not alone. Unfortunately though until it clicks for her, she not going to change. I get the same from my wife, and I reached the point where I have to do what I need to do, an if she follows great. If not, oh well. It is hard because she is constantly buying junk, and stuff. And we would argue if I pushed her to diet. I do not know. But until each of us decides we are not going to change, we have to each make that decision for ourselves.0
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Yeah, my thoughts exactly.so she wants to keep doing what she is going and expect different results???
good luck to you brother…I feel your pain …0 -
Have you considered you are driving her insane?
The worst motivation is 'partner' motivation of this kind. She has to make her own choices and find her own motivation.0 -
Have you considered you are driving her insane?
The worst motivation is 'partner' motivation of this kind. She has to make her own choices and find her own motivation.
LOL where did you get that from? OP said that wife comes to him and has these complaints, not that he went to her with them...0 -
OP - I know a good divorce attorney …just saying...0
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All I can say is good luck! It sounds like quite the predicament. However, if she really wants the change, it won't be from anything you say (more than likely). I was the same way, being so wishwashy. However, after a bit, it just clicks.
Good luck to your sanity and her goals!
I agree 100% with this. Right now you just worry about taking care of yourself and focus on your success and hopefully she will follow.0 -
Ignoring diabetes? She wont be able to ignore it when her feet develop gangrene and need to be amputated, as my relatives did. Hope she wises up.0
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I know a few people like this. Luckily I'm not married to them and can just ignore their nonsense.0
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Well you know how the saying goes...
Best advice I could provide is beyond leading by example is if you have the inclination prepare her meals/snacks so you can introduce better eating habits and maybe (hopefully) she will see and feel results that will start motivating her, so eventually this will occur...
Best of luck OP but I have been in a similar position with family members and their want to change has to outweigh their desire to stay within their current comfort zone.0 -
Honestly, she probably needs ger loving and devoted husband to give her a verbal wake up call. Try not to attack her or make her feel backed into a corner, but she needs to know how you fell about her unwillingness to diet and exercise.0
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If you don't have anything to say to the OP, don't reply.
OP: Killing with kindness may be a way forward here. Explain to your wife that you love her very much and that you can't imagine having to live without her should she die prematurely from complications to do with her weight. Try to educate her a little. She might be resistant to change because it's all so confusing and weight loss is a daunting thing. She may be terrified to fail. She may be resentful or a little angry at herself for letting it get so bad. I have felt all these things personally.
Tell her you'll be doing it with her. You can show her healthy recipe sites, eat what she eats, go for walks together, find an active hobby you both enjoy.
Losing weight is terrifying when your life depends on it. It's easy to just give up and let it take over until it literally kills you. The fact that she keeps whining about it shows she wants to change. Try and ask her a little more about why she is so resistant to adding more protein to her diet... Maybe you can get her a shake and use it to make smoothies?
There is a way around this resistance, but it all needs to be communication and understanding, even when she's being a giant pain in the *kitten*.0 -
you may be doing this already but my best advice would be to lead by example.
my parents were in the same predicament, driving each other crazzzzzzzzy. my mom had all these great plans and ideas for getting healthy and would never follow through. finally my dad just decided to start eating healthy and working out, and eventually she caught on and they did it together.
perhaps take some initiative, start doing the cooking yourself. start a working regimen of your own. focus on your own health and your own goals and she is likely to follow.0 -
My guess is that she's bringing up the weight loss issue because she craves your approval and is painfully aware of your attention to diet and exercise, in contrast to her lack of it.
Superficially she knows about the habits needed to create weight loss, but right now the impulse to eat to excess as well as the sluggishness that comes with prolonged inactivity is keeping her from taking the uncomfortable, but necessary action. Losing weight is unpleasant and the side effects are the worst when starting to diet. Exercise doesn't really get enjoyable until one builds a base of fitness and the body grows accustomed to daily activity.
When / if she is ready to drop pounds the chances are she will stop complaining and start to make meaningful changes without needing to tell anyone.
Don't take your wife too seriously even though she is complaining about her weight. Just nod and smile.
Until she's willing to do something now rather than talk, it's just noise.0 -
BAAAAAW SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET THAT WASN'T FUNNY TO ME AND I WAS OFFENDED AND WHY DOES NO-ONE CARE ABOUT MY FEELS, I'M GOING TO DERAIL THE THREAD BECAUSE MEEEEEEEE.
If you don't have anything to say to the OP, don't reply.
OP: Killing with kindness may be a way forward here. Explain to your wife that you love her very much and that you can't imagine having to live without her should she die prematurely from complications to do with her weight. Try to educate her a little. She might be resistant to change because it's all so confusing and weight loss is a daunting thing. She may be terrified to fail. She may be resentful or a little angry at herself for letting it get so bad. I have felt all these things personally.
Tell her you'll be doing it with her. You can show her healthy recipe sites, eat what she eats, go for walks together, find an active hobby you both enjoy.
Losing weight is terrifying when your life depends on it. It's easy to just give up and let it take over until it literally kills you. The fact that she keeps whining about it shows she wants to change. Try and ask her a little more about why she is so resistant to adding more protein to her diet... Maybe you can get her a shake and use it to make smoothies?
There is a way around this resistance, but it all needs to be communication and understanding, even when she's being a giant pain in the *kitten*.
I'm guessing that was directed at me, even though my first reply was very similar to your advice --;
I would advise against taking the negative route (she could die prematurely) as long as the OP can, though. That's a terrifying thing to hear, and it would probably be especially hard coming from him, who is supposed to be her source of undying support. Something softer, at least to begin with, would have my vote.0 -
she's miss lead. being healthy takes time as it affects someone's mentality and behavior otherwise she's disillusional in hoping to be in good shape without changing anything0
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Not much you can do other than encourage her and attempt to educate her.
She sounds like she is going back and forth between the pre-contemplation and contemplation phases of weight loss/lifestyle change without ever making it into the planning and action stages. This is pretty common and I have been there, and have to say the decision to plan, take action, see it through, and make it a lifestyle took time and was only because I myself really wanted it.
You can't make someone want something. You can't "fix" somebody.
It's difficult to want the best for someone you care about and not see them take the appropriate steps.
You have the options of encouragement, counseling, ignoring the problem (like she is), or distancing yourself.
Whichever route you choose this is ultimately her problem, her bad decision making, and it's affecting you negatively. So, keep taking care of yourself, and make a decision regarding how you want to handle your partner's destructive behavior.0 -
Have you heard of an ASKHOLE. It is a person who constantly asks for advice and then does the exact opposite. Kind of the same deal with your wife - so frustrating! She won't change until she is ready. If I were you I would practice some deep breathing.0
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you could possibly suggest a cheat day a week where she can eat that crap as long as she's in a big enough deficit during the week eating good stuff?!0
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K9,
Tell her how you feel about here behavior.
Tell her that insanity is going down the same road and expecting different results.
However, I know you know you can't change her, you can only tell her how you feel.0
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