How to handle situation with close friend

JewelsinBigD

Ignore it. You are not so weak that you cannot handle ignoring this. Have fun with her in a scheduled or supervised way - if the plan is to workout - do it. If she changes her mind say "I will catch you next time!" and get your butt to the gym (or wherever). If she is your friend, it may take time for her to adjust. Bottom line- she is not perfect and either are you. You are the one who is changing the rules of your friendship and making her adjust on a dime is not fair. DO what you need for you and let her adjust to your new life in her own time.

lyzmorrison

Repeat after me:

"No, you can't work out with me b/c it's too distracting. I'll call you when I'm finished."

"No, I don't want to go out to eat with you b/c you always hound me about my food and it's tiring."

She will either stop her ways or stop being your friend. Either way you win.

JewelsinBigD

As many posters already have said: drop her. A real friend do not behave like that. Tell her how you feel, that you don't like her criticism and her "bullying" you into doing bad food choices, and if she gets upset; well, that is her problem. A true friend will say sorry and change.

Wow- apparently friendships don't mean a whole lot to you and you can change friends like underwear. This is how I reacted to friendships when I was like 19-20, but not today.
OP, See my earlier post for my suggestion.

seltzermint555

I think SERIOUSLY... you should let her read this (your forum post). And my comment so she knows that you didn't post this on here for the world to see including her...but that someone suggested you show it to her. The thing about it is, if she is really important enough as a friend, for you to be bothered by how she reacts to your workouts/eating healthy - then it's a friendship you would prefer to hold on to rather than "drop like a bad habit". She needs to know how you feel and how she's effecting you in your efforts before you become resentful and your friendship is destroyed. If she doesn't like what you have to say about all of this then she's a brick wall, stuck in her ways, inconsiderate, and not going to change. Time for you to decide if she's worth keeping as a friend. If it's a "healthy" relationship. If she DOES hear what you have to say, maybe it will open her eyes to how she's been treating you. Maybe it will inspire her truly to improve herself physically, mentally, emotionally. It's a situation that's going to go one of two ways. She's either going to be angry and in which case she should be removed from your life for missing the point completely OR her eyes will be opened and she can improve within herself and within your friendship. Best of luck!
Cheers!

I actually really like the above advice and would seriously consider it, if I were the OP.

My initial reaction though was that this may be a friendship that has come to an impasse. I can 'see' both sides, and I agree with those who say there are some boundary issues all around. But it kind of sounds like the OP has grown and matured while her friend has not. I'm now in my mid 30's so I have been through this a time or two since my teens ;-) It happens.

My usual M.O. is to distance myself from the friend but try to maintain some level of friendship - which usually either improves or totally dies out over time.

Perhaps stop going out to eat with the friend and even tell her "I'm not going out to eat with you because x, y, and z" but still invite her to the occasional movie or other event. See how that goes.

Also...I don't read anything here that really leads me to believe the OP's friend is actively TRYING to sabotage her healthy lifestyle. I think it's much more likely that the friend has unhealthy habits and is in denial about how bad they are, and may even have a (somewhat) positive body image herself which leads back to complacency and bad habits. It sounds like she makes a lot of excuses along the lines of "yolo, eat yummy food, why work out?" which is fine if paired with a healthier diet and active life, but is probably going to lead to some serious health issues down the road...which the OP realizes, but the friend probably doesn't want to see/face that "yet" (assuming she is also in her early to mid 20s).

Pipsg1rl

I had a friend who would be insulting without even knowing it. At some point she was being what I considered verbally abusive.

I "broke up" with her.

I have a very supportive family and husband and I do not have to hang around and let someone talk down to me.

I did send her a letter explaining that I would not be treated that way.

We are friends again, but it's not the same as it was.

crystalflame

You said she put on a lot of weight quickly because of her eating habits, and that she's going through some things. It seems possible that she's turning to food as a comfort source, and her asking you to eat the same things she's eating might be her asking for your help and support rather than trying to sabotage you. If you eat pizza and ice cream with her, you nonverbally are saying that 1) it's ok for her to keep trying to fix her problems with food instead of confront them and 2) that you're going to be there for her as she goes through hard times. I don't know if this actually is the case - it could just be straight up jealousy - but it's something to think about.

I agree with everyone else that you need to be honest and direct with her no matter what. You need to take care of you first and not let her bring you down. If she needs your friendship to deal with other crap in your life, tell her you'll support her, but not by pigging out with her - she has to actually work through her problems.

ossentia

You will always have excuses for falling off track. Sure, you can cut your friend out of your life, but it isn't going to stop all those things out there that are working to throw you off course. The answer here is to learn to deal with your friend in a positive way. Don't give in to her food decisions. If she's giving you a hard time, very bluntly point out that she can eat alone if she doesn't want to lay off. If she comes over to work out and forgets her clothes, tell her to go home and get them or you'll just see each other later and politely show her the door. My guess is that most (if not all) of her behavior is tied into how she's feeling about herself and is not a reflection of your friendship or what you mean to her. The real problem here is that you MUST learn to say no to those things that derail you, not the people, just the things. Someone waives a donut in your face, learn to say no. You are the only person responsible for your weight loss successes and your set-backs.

Mr_Knight

If she truly is your friend, you should be able to tell her "stop with the digs, they're hurting my feelings", and she should be able to hear it without taking great offence.

If that can't happen, you're not as deep friends as you think.

IMO, etc.

Good luck!

brianpperkins

As many posters already have said: drop her. A real friend do not behave like that. Tell her how you feel, that you don't like her criticism and her "bullying" you into doing bad food choices, and if she gets upset; well, that is her problem. A true friend will say sorry and change.

Wow- apparently friendships don't mean a whole lot to you and you can change friends like underwear. This is how I reacted to friendships when I was like 19-20, but not today.
OP, See my earlier post for my suggestion.

There isn't much in the relationship as described that is really a "friendship."

VioletNightshade

because you are choosing to eat healthier and exercise, you are making your friend feel guilt that she isn't doing the same, it is pure and simple jealousy, believe me i've had more or less the exact same thing my best friend. she quite often told me i'd lost enough weight and should stop now, when that didn't work she started telling me i'd took it to far and now looked like c**p! (at that point i was technically still 20lbs overweight) if you still want to be friends with her your either going to have to sit her down and tell her how she's making you feel or see her far less, unfortunately unless she chooses to lose weight herself she is just going to keep attempting to sabotage you as if your overweight too it makes it ok for her to be
good luck x

I don't even want to say that this could be part of it because to me, any time my friends made choices to better themselves, I celebrated it with them because I know how hard that decision is, even before I buckled down and did it myself.

This is also not an over-night thing. I made a decision to get healthier about a year ago, and have been steadily working towards it since. This pattern has developed over that year. If it were once in a while I would be able to ignore it, but it's become an obvious and regular pattern.

A few of you do bring up a few good points, however. Our entire of friends (7 of us) are overweight. Two of our other friends are morbidly obese and when we do things with them, we have to plan out things carefully because they can't fit in certain seats and such. These two are supportive, though! They don't even bat an eye when I order minestrone instead of a giant bowl of Alfredo pasta. More often than not, they'll ask to try it and tell me "Oh, that's actually not half bad. I might get that next time" or something along those lines and that's the end of it. A couple of weeks later they'll tell me they ordered some to take to work for lunch or something. It's a nothing thing, it's just food and it's yet another thing that they like. Excellent. Everyone wins. They're curious about my new food choices (I don't bring it up. Even in the beginning I didn't bring it up, I just started ordering differently and it took them months to realize that I was no longer doing certain things or they'd ask me if I'd lost weight. I didn't and don't want to preach and be obnoxious - no one wants to hang out with THAT person, and as said, it's none of my business what they eat) There's no attempt at guilt on my part, and if she doesn't want to join me, she doesn't have to. That's completely up to her, but if she doesn't want to, I don't understand why she'd try to disrupt my plans. She's also done this when it's a group of us getting together. One of my friends mum is a professional bellydance instructor. 4 of us got together and scheduled a session with her (which we do sometimes) and this friend showed up with peanut butter (her mum's known weakness) and DVDs and convinced her mum to watch a movie instead of work out while the rest of us were getting changed. It's this behaviour that doesn't fit in my mind. If you don't want to, then don't, I'll never try to convince anyone to do anything they don't want to, but don't try to derail me.

Occasionally, yeah, there's room for a last-minute mind change because something happened today or something and you're really feeling down and don't want to. Right there with you, I get it, but when it's quite literally EVERY time?? UGH!

The thing that people touched on are these:
- Her parents aren't vegetable eaters and never made her eat them growing up. A doctor apparently told her mom to "just let her eat what she wants" when she was two, and she never saw reason to change that, so she never learned to like vegetables. When I say she won't eat ANYTHING that's green, I'm not exaggerating. If you've ever seen that show Freaky Eaters, she's like a combination of meat dude and the cheesy potato woman. I don't judge her. I don't look down on her for her choices. They're hers and she's the one who'll be suffering the consequences of them, not me. My only "feeling" I guess, over it is worry for her, which I only brought up once years ago, and have never addressed with her again because it's none of my business and if she wants help digging herself out of this hole, all she need do is ask. I'm behind her 100% in anything she wants to do in her life cheering her on (or at least being neutral about it). I can't understand why she's not the same with me.
- She has convinced herself that being fat (as in she has a BMI of around 40) isn't that bad for your health and that she doesn't look that bad. If she wants to stay like that, that's her own thing, and I won't say a word. It's her business. I DO, however, have a problem when I tell her one day that I feel gross and that I've been having issues looking in the mirror lately because I'm disgusted by what I see and that my anxiety and feelings of intense guilt concerning food has been heightened lately, and for her to turn around the next day and try to badger me to "Just forget about dieting today! Get pasta and then afterwards, let's go get icecream!" and suggesting I eat 1400-some-odd calories worth of pasta covered in butter and cream sauce and follow it with an extremely fattening dessert in a sitting. If your friend has just sat there, less than 24 hours earlier and said that the way they look is making them have such issues with their body that they can't look in the mirror, why would you turn around and try to convince them to make it worse? I just don't understand.

I don't have much of a supportive family. In an average week, I'll get a message or two from at least one relative telling me that the speed of my weight loss is unhealthy (In a year I lost 50lb and have bounced around here for a few months. By no means too fast or unhealthy) and the family I live with tells me I'm too picky and, even though I told them over a year ago that I wouldn't be eating meat any more, they try to pressure me into changing to this day, and my grandfather's favourite hobby seems to be criticizing what I look like and how I eat. I'm already at a disadvantage when it comes to a support system, and most of the progress I've made is the direct result of a mixture of will power and stubbornness. Yes, I have given in in times of weakness and allowed myself to be persuaded to make poor decisions around her. If she weren't constantly pressuring me to do so and belittling and undermining my efforts to make wise decisions and better myself, it wouldn't be an issue. I do fully own my part in it. She can b**** and moan as much as she wants, and try as hard as she wants to get me to do anything, and if I give in, I've made the decision and it's not her fault that I let her persuade me, it's mine for allowing it, but over time, if you keep getting pressured to do something, you ARE more likely to give in eventually. It doesn't make it ok and it doesn't specifically make you a "victim," or anything, but it still is a little messed up on the other person's part to knowingly try to pressure someone into poor decisions. Everyone is susceptible to that. Everyone.

If my friend were going through this, I can tell you my initial response would be "let's get together and research food and find some inventive recipes to try! Arm ourselves with knowledge and such and let's do this together. If no one else wants to support us, we can support each other. Screw them!" or "Go you! I'm so proud of you for making this decision. You know who to talk to when things get rough and you need a shoulder to cry on. *squee* I'm so proud of you, though!! Can't wait to see how great this is going to be for you! You deserve it " not "oh, you're doing something that will help your over-all happiness and raise your quality of life? Nah, don't do that, come, walk this path to destruction with me. *offers biggest and most difficult to resist temptation*"

It's weird for me to even flirt with the concept that perhaps she could be jealous of my progress or that I'm making her feel bad by making these decisions for myself, but that suggestion does, I guess make sense. I don't see myself as anything to be jealous of. I'm a work in progress and at some point I'll likely have to have surgery to get rid of loose skin. It's no walk in the park, it's rough, and every time things get difficult and my response is to control my food more, I have to ask myself if I'm walking that dangerous tightrope between making a change for the better and sticking with it and lapsing back into disordered habits. She knows this. I can't wrap my head around being jealous of someone who, in times of stress, obsesses over past poor food choices for sometimes days or weeks, feels excessive guilt and is almost always thinking about food and stressing about it. She also knows that I have a hormonal disorder which makes it difficult to lose weight, but I'm working my *kitten* off and trying to do things the "right" way and not just swing to the other extreme where I go back to restricting excessively and such. To me, to be jealous of that would be as ridiculous as being jealous of someone who's suffering from Contamination related OCD for their hygiene and clean home, ignoring the scars on their hands from over-washing, the fact that the enamel on their teeth has been worn to nothing due to excessive brushing and that entering their home makes you a bit woosy because it constantly smells of cleaning products.

deksgrl

I've gotten to the point where I've almost decided to not eat with her any more because I experience anxiety, dread and regret when it comes to my choices around her and that's not something I want to feel concerning food any more.

As I read your story, this is what I was thinking, just do not eat with her any more. Whenever you make plans to get together, don't make it a meal.

rachrach7595

If she is a close friend sit her down and tell her her remarks are unkind and unwanted. Any friend who loves you will appreciate that and you will be able to move forward happier.

If not...
Cut her loose.
Some people grow together. Some people are just not meant to be.

If that isnt an option....
Treat her like a job. If she must be there when you see your other friends, busy yourself with them and de-prioritise her so that she is out of your headspace.

It sounds like you really have to make a decision within yourself to confront this head on or let her and her stabby awful remarks go. Some people just wont get that your trying to better yourself and it wont matter what you do they will just be nasty and bitter for whatever THEIR OWN REASONS. Its not you, I can assure you. Its her.

Best of luck.

aNewYear123

If she comes to your house to work out and wants to sit on the couch, tell her that you were looking forward to working out with her and you are sorry that she doesn't want to anymore, but this is the time you have set aside for working out; maybe you can do something else with her later. Then if you need to work out while she sits on the couch, be prepared to ignore the hour of comments.

Could you get her to work out with you somewhere other than your home? How about a walk somewhere? Meet her there, and be ready to walk by yourself if she backs out; if she shows and says lets do something else, you have to tell her no - I need to walk now, and then start off. She will either walk with you or go home, either way you get your workout.

When she comments about your food just tell her it may not look as good as hers (even though it probably looks better), but it tastes great. Also, you could find a way to mention (while she is saying "how could I have gained this weight") that eating the food that you are is how you managed to lose XX#. If she keeps it up, just tell her that you would rather be fit than constantly eat all of the junk that she does. Once in a while is one thing, all of the time is something else.

Sarah4fitness

OP -

Congratulations for taking steps to improve your health. I think you need a new support network, and some new friends. Those who are helping you towards your goals, or supporting you, keep. Those who are repeatedly being toxic, have it out with them. This includes family. There is NOTHING mean or rude about saying,

"I am taking steps to improve my health. That includes eating a certain way, and exercising. If you choose to support me in prolonging my life and improving my health, I welcome your support. If you don't support my choices, I ask that you kindly refrain from comment on them. If you can't agree to either of those options, I'm going to reduce our contact, because it is becoming bad for me."

Either they'll toe the line, or they won't. Either you'll let them continue to manipulate and fail you, or you'll become your own advocate and boot them like they deserve.

This woman in particular is NOT acting in your best interests. She's detrimental to your mental, emotional, and physical state, and continuing to subject yourself to her treatment makes me very concerned about your own mental health.

Pinkyallen

Hi there. Was wondering how things have been going for you since your post?

GBrady43068

1) 10 hours a day IS a lot of time. I spend that amount of time with my wife...no one else. None of my friends ever get me that long.
2) I agree with the other person stating that BOTH you and your friend are ignoring boundaries...you can't pressure your friend into getting healthier even if it is out of genuine concern for their health, they can't pressure you into eating "like you used to". If you can't play nice on the food/health issues, it's probably better to avoid all food-based activity with her.
3) If this is still an issue where she's riding you even when you're NOT eating, I'd cut her off. Too much negativity...

DonnaJones7

Misery loves company.
TRY to respond to her misery with something Joyful. When she says "that look's gross or weird", say "I'm so happy with it". Then SHE will start to either limit her misery-spreading OR limit her contact with you.
Please don't let her drag you down any more. It's painful over and over. Try to do things that are non-food related with her or just have less exposure to her.

The challenge is hard enough when you have to deal with your own head. You know you can't change hers.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Not all friends are going to be helpful at all times.
Hang in there and do what's right for you.