Me? Not a priority.

weather_nerd

I was hesitant to put this out here, because from what I've seen in the past, this post has the potential to get some rather smart replies. However, I'm doing this because I know there's a few people out there just like me, so I'd love to have your support.

I've come to realize something really, really important and kind of mind-boggling. I do not make myself a priority. Excuses are one thing, but just neglecting yourself is another.

I'm always doing something that isn't for me. Whether it be cleaning, laundry, answering emails, running errands, helping out somewhere with something, listening to someone, it's not for me. Not to sound selfish, because I do love helping others. It's just that from the time I wake up until about 5 minutes before bed (when I'm alone watching tv), I do nothing for myself.

Instead of the gym, I tackle the pile of dirty dishes. Instead of getting out for a walk, I fold laundry. I just feel like there's never enough time in the day for me. Even when I'm alone, I'm doing some sort of housework, errand running, etc.

If you can relate, I'd love to hear from you.

L.

victoriaalice39

I can totally relate. I hear alot of "you have to make time", but that is easier said then done.

Pipsg1rl

By giving all of yourself away you have nothing left.

Laundry can wait. Cleaning can wait. Your health does not wait.

Start small, don't try to "carve out an hour for yourself." Try 15 minutes at a time.

i don't know if you have kids, but the younger they are the harder this is. Find a young teen you trust to come by for that 15 m and then go for a walk. give them $5 for every 30 minutes. put in some headphones. do not answer the phone.

my son is that teen for a mother of 4 in our neighborhood. Last night she gave him $20 to watch her kids for 2 hours while her husband was working from home and she and I went to a ladies' night to watch the Bachelor with other ladies in the neighborhood. She has an 18mo, Twin 4yo, and an 8 almost 9yo. we were less than a mile away but you can tell she loves it and needs it.

it's hard to put yourself anywhere near first. you feel selfish, like a terrible mom or wife. DON'T. get out and do things so you can come home and be refreshed. in touch with yourself.

lifting you up from texas!

Fit4Nature

I know what you mean. I feel this way a lot, and especially in the past. I was a caregiver since I was old enough to assist. Its hard, and people always say well sacrifice an hour from sleep, or some smart butt reply. I hope you can find time. I'm trying now... with school, work, and house work...and it does sadly involve cutting into my sleep

Holly_Roman_Empire

I can sort of relate. I feel guilty if I'm sitting down not doing something for the benefit of my family. One thing I had to realize though, is that a healthy and fit me benefits my family. I still feel guilty working out and taking time to exercise, so I limit myself to 30 minutes, 3 times a week. I manage to make small differences with that time, and it really is good for me AND the family.

Roseygirl1

I can *so* relate. I'm a caregiver to a disabled adult child, mother to another young adult still living at home (launching hopefully in June), with two aging parents and a 99-year-old MIL and no siblings or extended family to help.

I find myself often at the bottom of my to-do-for list.

I woke up yesterday with a fiery determination to change that. So I'm logging my food, finding time for exercise, and thinking of other ways to nurture myself. Frankly, if I don't do it, ain't nobody will.

It feels good to know that I absolutely must put ME on my own list if I am survive this.

What do you need/want? Do you know where and how to start with self-kindness?

Rosey

TLTucker80

So glad someone else is feeling the same way I am!!! I am just like you always doing something for someone else never myself, and if I try and make time for myself someone always needs this or that needs me to run here or there it never fails. And some times I feel like they just don't want me to succeed at losing weight. I can be at the gym and someone will call and need this or needs me to leave and go do something even though they could really do it for themselves. I've tried hundreds of times to say no but I just can't and I wish that could change, and even as I'm typing this my mother is on the phone needing me to go run an errand.

jkestens63

It's not selfish because you want some time to take care of yourself, and it actually benefits your loved ones in the long run.

When my hubby and I first started living together he would get really annoyed that when his kids came to stay with us, I would still go to the gym first thing in the morning instead of staying home to keep an eye on them, make sure they showered, had breakfast. It was a non-negotiable point for me. I laid out very clear rules, which if broken would result in getting shipped back to their mom (things like don't leave the house, no using the stove), they had plenty of cereal & milk, and if they chose not to shower, get chores done while I was gone then they couldn't go hang out with their friends until everything was done. It worked out. Nothing bad happened and I kept my sanity, took care of my needs. Rest of the day was devoted to them but I never missed my workout.

cwolfman13

You have to make that time for yourself. For me, that most often means forgoing my lunch break at work and going out to ride my bike or going for a walk and then I just eat my lunch at my desk while I'm working.

Also, do you have anyone around to break up the household chores? My wife and I basically swap days where one of us will be at the gym for an hour or so after work and the other has the responsibility of picking up the boys from day care and getting them home and fed and dinner made, dishes done, etc.

Also, for laundry and other cleaning, yard work, etc we have designated days for working on those things which frees up some time on other days.

weather_nerd

Thank you ALL for your support. I think the breaking point for me was an hour ago when I pulled out my lunch - crappy dry pizza slices from the weekend. What a terrible excuse for a lunch. But, it was what a grabbed running out the door while staring at the overflowing sink of dishes and laundry as high as the sky thinking - whoo hoo this is waiting for me when I come home!!

That's it, I'm going to clean the damn house then go to the gym. Then I'm going to soak in the tub. Yay

tiffya

I completely understand. I am the mother of 5 kids aged 16 down to age 2; I also work 2 jobs and don't get a lot of help from my husband who is a full time student. I have a treadmill in the basement but someone ALWAYS comes and bugs me while I'm exercising. I have access to a gym in my community but I am ashamed to go run in front of a whole bunch of fit people.

Lizzy622

Yes. That is part of what got me here. It does get easier and now that my kids are heading out to college I definitely have a bit more time for myself. That being said I did carve out little bits of me time when they were younger. We took karate courses together. So even though I was with them I was also doing it for me. I also kept sneakers in the car so if I was running them to a practice or a lesson I could walk the field or parking lot while waiting for them to get out. I also made sure we all ate healthy nutritious food. So I was doing it for them but also me.

proudjmmom

This was me, for 10 years. One day I woke up and realized, no one is taking care of me, myself included. My kids are at a good age, they are currently 10.5 and 6.5, they no longer need constant watching. In that 10 years, I let myself go, badly. I was 100lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, and couldn't move and play around with my kids. I realized, the laundry can wait, it will still be there, the dishes, yep they will be there after my walk as well. It was time to take care of me. The last 3 years I've been dedicating more time for myself to get out and exercise. I started eating better, and moving more. Sometimes I take my kids with me, if they aren't in school. I like to do a lot of outdoor activities, being fit for me is getting outside regularly.

The key is definitely making the time for yourself. The chores can wait.

Anonycatgirl

At my yoga class, the teacher always includes an affirmation to the effect of "Thank yourself for taking this hour to do something good for yourself." We're women of all ages--moms of kids still at home, moms with grown kids who still have FT mom habits, folks like me who don't have kids but are self employed and might work 24/7 if left to our own devices. I don't know if it's as bad for men, but apparently for women it's a common problem.

quirkytizzy

I have this problem, at least related to housework. If I don't have a tidy house, I go out of my mind. I simply can't relax. To a fault. Like rightnow, there are catboxes to be scooped out, dishes to be done, and a carpet to vacuum. And I know that I won't be able to do much of anything else until those things are cleaned. So if I've got a lot of housework to do, I try to break it up between working out and doing whatever else health-wise needs to be done. Do the dishes, stretch. Scoop out litterboxes, do my Pilates. Vacuum, record breakfast in my log. That sort of thing.

I'm not a clean freak or OCD, but I do have a mental health issue that can show up in obsessive cleaning. But rather than try to ignore that, I just try to work AROUND that.

UsedToBeHusky

I believe it is part of the nurturing instinct for women to routinely self-sacrifice. The thing that most women don't realize is that it is a slippery slope. Self-sacrifice can ultimately become a detriment to your family.

That being said, I wanted to say that a lot of the housework that you do IS as much for you as it is for others. Do you really want to have to live in filfth? Others might be benefitting from your efforts, but so are you. Perhaps, instead of resenting those activities, you should solicit more help from your family. That way you can make time for yourself.

mccindy72

I spent most of my life putting my husband, the kids, my job, the household, and the money first and myself last. It took until I got diagnosed with cancer to figure out that sometimes I need to come first. My hubs was like "duh..." when I told him I'd figured that out. He's been trying to tell me that for years, I just didn't listen. I spent a lot of time trying to be perfect, exhausting myself because it isn't attainable. You're never going to be the perfect wife, mother, employee, housekeeper, cook, or whatever.... you can really only learn to love yourself for who you are and give yourself permission to take a break now and then and just let things go.

Lld320

You can still lose weight just by eating right. Cleaning and laundry are actually great physical activities. Focus on the things you can control instead of what you cannot. And really everyone can go to sleep later or wake up earlier by 30 min to have time to get a workout in. I understand where you are coming from, but making excuses doesn't solve much try to look for solutions.

disneygallagirl

I can relate. Working Mom of 2 young boys, hubby works shifts. Recently bought the family cottage so now 2 places to look after! Never enough time in the day - so you put yourself at the end and you never make it that far. For me, the mindset on setting realistic expectations, stopping the excuses and sticking to a plan of doing something for me. i.e. if working out in the morning is the only time and I am not a morning person, then I will just have to suck it up. And in the end, I am much happier when I have had some me time.
Friend Request sent. :flowerforyou:

UncleMac

Single dads can have the same issue too... I understand intellectually that I must make time for myself but there is always something or someone asking for my attention...

vim_n_vigor

You aren't the only one. There are days I am not sure I've brushed my teeth or hair, but I can guarantee I made sure everyone else was presentable. It is something to work on one bit at a time.