the flip side of having a partner in this health journey

ReadyToBeMeAt160

Hey Guys -
So we all know that this is much easier/successful when we have friends, etc to help along the way - with positive peer pressure, support, etc.

I've been really lucky to have a supportive girlfriend too. My problem is that when she loses her motivation, I find myself doing the same. I try to stay strong but when I see her pigging out, I do the same. It's also much easier for her to get back on track - when i have a "free day" or two it sometimes takes me weeks to get it back together.

I of course know that I can't blame her for my failure - and I don't. I also know I need to be strong on my own.

Any suggestions on how to keep those things separate? Ideally I'd like to be able to motivate her to start counting calories again and exercise on a more regular basis but it seems like its outside of my control. And honestly she does OK when she's not counting calories - no real loses but also no gains (unlike me).

Sorry this is a bit of a rant but I guess I'm really just looking for a way to 1. not be too much of a nag to her but still motivate her 2. not rely on her dedication to keep mine

phathousecat

Have you tried eating healthy when she starts pigging out? Or still going to a workout when she doesn't want to? I feel like if you do either of those she'll feel accountable for what she's doing and jump back on. That's where a lot of the motivation from having a workout parter comes from, accountability.

TavistockToad

Motivate by example... and figure out what your real reason for losing weight is... that needs to come from you, not anyone else!

ReadyToBeMeAt160

Have you tried eating healthy when she starts pigging out? Or still going to a workout when she doesn't want to? I feel like if you do either of those she'll feel accountable for what she's doing and jump back on. That's where a lot of the motivation from having a workout parter comes from, accountability.

Good tip. I do try. But it only lasts so long. I'm going to try harder. Last time I kept counting calories for two days while she was completely off the reigns - we were on vacation but I was trying to stay on track bc i know how hard it is for me to get back on track when i derail. On day 3 I caved.

ReadyToBeMeAt160

Motivate by example... and figure out what your real reason for losing weight is... that needs to come from you, not anyone else!

Real reasons:
1.) being able to be more active at an older age - for ourselves and for future children
2.) avoiding health problems that are common in both our families - heart problems, diabetes, etc.

and i want to share both of those with her.

TavistockToad

Motivate by example... and figure out what your real reason for losing weight is... that needs to come from you, not anyone else!

Real reasons:
1.) being able to be more active at an older age - for ourselves and for future children
2.) avoiding health problems that are common in both our families - heart problems, diabetes, etc.

and i want to share both of those with her.

but you cant make her want those things.. i dont mean to sound harsh, but she has to decided she wants it too, regardless of what you're doing. thats where the leading by example comes in, but you cant make someone change.

MyOwnSunshine

Motivate by example... and figure out what your real reason for losing weight is... that needs to come from you, not anyone else!

Real reasons:
1.) being able to be more active at an older age - for ourselves and for future children
2.) avoiding health problems that are common in both our families - heart problems, diabetes, etc.

and i want to share both of those with her.

This process is a lot like running a marathon. Even though you can run with a group who provide you with a little comfort and company, ultimately, the race depends only upon your own efforts.

I find it a little strange that when someone asks you for YOUR reason for losing weight, you feel the need to create a reason for your friend to lose weight as well. I have to say that I would not be okay with one of my friends nagging me and creating reasons for me to workout or eat healthy. Sometimes I eat healthy and sometimes I don't. I don't need anyone's permission to do either.

I live with two people who do not have the same problems with compulsive eating and they frequently eat non-healthy foods. I work with people who don't always eat healthy foods and who offer me food that isn't conducive to weight loss. My solution is to decide what I'm going to eat and stick to my plan. If I plan to eat healthy and others around me are enjoying junk food and treats, I make a conscious choice to stick to my plan, or I make a conscious choice to deviate from my plan. I don't blame others for leading me astray -- every choice I make during the day is mine.

I would honestly be offended if I had a friend who judged my choices and tried to control my eating and exercise habits. I know that you have good intentions, but I think that you're leaning on your friend a little bit too much.

ReadyToBeMeAt160

I find it a little strange that when someone asks you for YOUR reason for losing weight, you feel the need to create a reason for your friend to lose weight as well. I have to say that I would not be okay with one of my friends nagging me and creating reasons for me to workout or eat healthy.

I would honestly be offended if I had a friend who judged my choices and tried to control my eating and exercise habits. I know that you have good intentions, but I think that you're leaning on your friend a little bit too much.

Just to clarify - by girlfriend i mean romantic life partner type girlfriend. That's why my goals of having a healthy, happy, active life where both of us can be healthy and around for each other and our future children is important.

yes, it would be different if she were a friend.

TavistockToad

I find it a little strange that when someone asks you for YOUR reason for losing weight, you feel the need to create a reason for your friend to lose weight as well. I have to say that I would not be okay with one of my friends nagging me and creating reasons for me to workout or eat healthy.

I would honestly be offended if I had a friend who judged my choices and tried to control my eating and exercise habits. I know that you have good intentions, but I think that you're leaning on your friend a little bit too much.

Just to clarify - by girlfriend i mean romantic life partner type girlfriend. That's why my goals of having a healthy, happy, active life where both of us can be healthy and around for each other and our future children is important.

yes, it would be different if she were a friend.

that made me lol, sorry!!!!

Miss_Hiker_Pants

Even though choices all come down on what you decide to do, have you ever asked her to be supportive? I know it's really hard, but perhaps if she choses to lose it with food, she could go elsewhere to make bad choices (might make her think,twice if she doesn't want to go anywhere). Or like another person said, go take a walk or head to the gym.

That's a really tough one. It's sort of like living with an addict. If they are both trying to quit and one caves, it's hard for the other to not give in too.

nan199678

I know how hard this can be. Spoon is supportive in helping me keep the foods I need here. However, when it comes to his cooking it's not the same. I feel like he is way more concerned w delicious than nutritious. And lately he's baking 1-3 times a week! Sweets are my weakness. So I take it one temptation at a time. If I decide to give in, I just have a little. I wish I could get him on board, even part time. But for now this is the one case where I am putting my needs first. And I am more dedicated to weight loss right now than snuggling up w cakes. Lol

McKenzieLeigh

It is so hard to motivate someone else. I started this journey just 37 days ago without my husband. I decided to also join a 28 day long diet bet on dietbetter.com a week or so ago and I talked my hubby into joining too thinking that the money incentive might help him get started (he is very number oriented).
He joined, but he hasn't really done anything (except stop eating lunch) to try to lose weight. He is a member here, but he doesn't use it. I say somethings to him about his choices, but they are still his choices.
I hope to make my goal with the diet bet, but I am pretty sure his entrance money is gone. I guess that is just more of the pot for me to win!

MyOwnSunshine

I find it a little strange that when someone asks you for YOUR reason for losing weight, you feel the need to create a reason for your friend to lose weight as well. I have to say that I would not be okay with one of my friends nagging me and creating reasons for me to workout or eat healthy.

I would honestly be offended if I had a friend who judged my choices and tried to control my eating and exercise habits. I know that you have good intentions, but I think that you're leaning on your friend a little bit too much.

Just to clarify - by girlfriend i mean romantic life partner type girlfriend. That's why my goals of having a healthy, happy, active life where both of us can be healthy and around for each other and our future children is important.

yes, it would be different if she were a friend.

I also would not be okay if my husband nagged me and created reasons for me to work out or eat healthy. I have been guilty of doing it to him on occasion, and it wasn't helpful for either of us.

I am a highly compulsive eater -- always have been and always will be. My husband and daughter are not. I don't project my food issues onto them. I really only request one thing from them -- to not leave cookies, candy and snacks on the counter where I will mindlessly grab them and eat them compulsively. Otherwise, they have no responsibility for the way I eat. I love my husband, and would like for him to be healthy and live a long time, but he is an adult who can make his own choices for his own reasons. I love my daughter, and want her to be healthy, fit and happy. I encourage her to eat healthy food and get a lot of exercise, but even with kids, I don't feel that food should be a power and control issue.

ReadyToBeMeAt160

ok - this conversation has kind of derailed - like my dedication to not binging on sweets, etc.

i'd love for her to be on board but my main motivation on this post was to keep myself on track. When i have the health/workout buddy on a regular basis, i guess start to rely on that. And then when they slip i do. Do I just never rely on that support?

jenifr818

ok - this conversation has kind of derailed - like my dedication to not binging on sweets, etc.

i'd love for her to be on board but my main motivation on this post was to keep myself on track. When i have the health/workout buddy on a regular basis, i guess start to rely on that. And then when they slip i do. Do I just never rely on that support?

As hard/harsh as it sounds ... don't rely on your partner. Do your thing, and if she jumps on board, then continue to do your thing. However, do not rely on her. Just assume mentally that she's not staying on board. If she does, then hey, awesome! If not, that's ok too. You do you, and if/when she's ready, she'll join in for the long run.

Edit to add that you have to find YOUR individual own reason for this. Pretend she's not in the picture, for WHATEVER reason. Don't allow her to be in the picture when deciding your reasons. If for whatever reason she leaves your life (breakup, for example), you don't want to have to deal with the rebound weight as a result of losing weight for a life together for her when she's no longer there, if that makes any sense. Not saying that it's going to happen, obviously, but well, sometimes crap does happen, and you don't want to lose your reason because of it.

MyOwnSunshine

You can only control your own behaviors. I've been doing this for years, and I see that you have been at it for a while, too. Ultimately, you make your choices and plan your day and ignore what the other person is doing. More often than not, the three of us eat different things for dinner. If my husband asks if I want to get pizza for dinner, I politely decline if I haven't planned for it. If I'm planning on going to the gym, I make sure that I go. I keep healthy snacks on hand that I like to eat. If they start snacking on candy, I have one of my snacks. For me, the success is in the planning. I focus on my own plan and try to ignore what others are eating or doing. As long as your girlfriend isn't directly and deliberately sabotaging you by pressuring you to eat or not work out, I would work on sticking to your plan no matter what she does.

TavistockToad

i'd love for her to be on board but my main motivation on this post was to keep myself on track. When i have the health/workout buddy on a regular basis, i guess start to rely on that. And then when they slip i do. Do I just never rely on that support?

you shouldnt rely on anyone else... this has to be your journey alone.. but obviously a workout partner is great for motivation! of course its tricky when she's sat eating cake for breakfast to not just join her, but i guess you have to focus on what you want, which is the being healthy for your kids etc...

Maybe try and find some fun activities you can do as a couple to get her interested - other than that you just have to do you.

CaitlinW19

This can be a challenge for sure. I now do all the cooking for my boyfriend and I and plan the meals I will make/do all the shopping for those meals over the weekend. Like your situation, my boyfriend also wants to lose a bit of weight but also doesn't have as much of problem with gaining weight as I do. So I make sure whatever I make fills me up so I don't want more. I generally have 1 serving of whatever I make and then a cup of steamed veggies to really fill me up. He can have two servings and the veg, or whatever. This way we are both happy with the meal and not tempted to "pig out." Having the meals planned and stuff bought helps us not to deviate from the plan much...we don't want that all to go to waste, so we aren't as likely to decide to get take out on a whim.

If we are going out, I ask that we try to find a place with a healthier menu item I can rely on, so I always look at the menu ahead of time and go in with a plan. Usually the meal stil throws in a curve ball like unexpected bread or something, but I look at it as I did my best to make the healthiest choice in that moment and probably succeeded, even if it wasn't quite as healthy as I planned.

These are the things that help me. Good luck!

murphy612

Lead by example

SueInAz

You really need to do what you is right for you and plan that she won't be joining you. That doesn't mean that you can't ask if she wants to join you at the gym or whatever exercise you have planned (and I'd highly suggest you ask every time you do), but don't ask twice if she says "No." Continue to eat right and don't nag her choices. Eventually, the guilt is going to get to her as she watches you continue to eat healthy and get fit and she will probably get back on track but that needs to be her decision.

Annie_01

ok - this conversation has kind of derailed - like my dedication to not binging on sweets, etc.

i'd love for her to be on board but my main motivation on this post was to keep myself on track. When i have the health/workout buddy on a regular basis, i guess start to rely on that. And then when they slip i do. Do I just never rely on that support?

I think I know what you are getting at...

I have the same problem with my son. He will say that he wants to lose a little and get in shape...but his actions don't always reveal that.

He only had about 20lbs to lose...I had 101lbs. I depended on the partnership for the fitness part...when it didn't happen it was easier for me not to workout. When he didn't eat healthy...it was easier for me not to. I had to push my way through that and continue for myself because that is what it is all about in the end.

When he jumps back on the band wagon I am always willing to work with him. When he strays I have had to just learn to continue on...try to keep my mouth shut (as a mom that is not always easy-LOL).

I think you have to make these choices for yourself...when your partner is willing...support her.

One thing that I realized at some point was that when my son was not following the plan that we had laid out...I think that a part of me was jealous...I had a case of envy.

Btw...he will admit...his mom is more fit than he is.

Now to give him credit...he is the first to tell me how proud he is of me...how much better that I am looking...he is a great supporter of what I am doing.

Just stay on track...let your partner jump on and off...just be there for her...maybe it is harder for her to stay on track...

firesweetheart

ok - this conversation has kind of derailed - like my dedication to not binging on sweets, etc.

i'd love for her to be on board but my main motivation on this post was to keep myself on track. When i have the health/workout buddy on a regular basis, i guess start to rely on that. And then when they slip i do. Do I just never rely on that support?

I know you want to do this with your partner for the awesome reasons you mentioned above, but have you considered finding a different buddy that's more accountable or more motivational? I know that sounds harsh but you're setting yourself up to fail if you get your motivation from someone who is less dedicated, less motivated, and more prone to have less healthy habits than you currently do.

Consider joining a group on here and signing up for a 15-30 day challenge. Find a workout buddy at your gym. Tell your coworkers you are trying to XYZ so they hold you accountable. There's lots of options out here. Try a few until you find what works for you. You didn't develop bad habits overnight so don't expect to change everything immediately, its a process.

skyewheatley95

I honestly thought that you had a friend named Spoon.

JUDDDing

I don't know if it would work for anyone else, but my wife and I "support" one another in this endeavour by being competitive and adversarial.

When either of us starts to slip up, comments are made, junk food is gifted, new nicknames are selected.

Rudeness and sabotage are inexplicably motivational coming from the right person.

Iwishyouwell

My wife and I got fat and not-so-happy about it after our wedding (and we were both already overweight on our wedding day). And we aren't even a big eating couple, as we have radically different eating styles that often leave us eating very different kinds of food. Still though we were both on various diets we'd definitely cave in and enjoy some high calorie meals and desserts during bonding times that were counter to our goals.

What changed for me was the fact that I abhor being fat, always have, but it got to the point where it just was so detrimental to my mentality, not to mention my very visual career, that I couldn't, no wouldn't, carry on being fat anymore. At that point no amount of good times with my incredible wife were enough to derail me from my greater goals. And it was hard on her initially, as she really, really missed those few times a month when we'd thrown down together unrestrained.

Your desire to reach your goals and dreams just have to get the point when they are so essential, so utterly necessary to your well being, that it'll propel you beyond the considerable pull that bonding-eating has. It's not easy, but I know no other way.

WaterBunnie

I'm in a similar position with my partner recovering from surgery and unable to push himself for a while and stress etc took it's toll a bit and we both kinda shelved things for a little while. Things are improving though and I think the secret is to make sure you find time for yourself when you are going to exercise - even if it's only your lunch break. It's tempting to eat all the nice stuff when people around you are but perhaps limit it to once or twice a week rather than every day?

firelight4321

I know this. My partner likes to break the diet "rules" of 1200 calories all too often, and tries to encourage me into joining her. But, I just ignore it and tell her I'm trying to lose weight. Mostly it just makes me feel sad and lonely and disappointed. You have to remember that this is about YOU, and it's really a journey alone. While you may find friends and support from those who are on the same journey, don't rely on them to motivate you. You have to motivate yourself, ultimately.

concordancia

Some of us have partners who have different dietary patterns. I am one of the luckiest of those, in that my partner tends to eat very healthy, but he has to eat at least twice as much as me a day (well, assuming I am having a good day). I have to recognize that our goals are very different and that my goals remain my goals, no matter what he is doing. You seem to be sharing goals with your partner, and so neither one is taking responsibility for them. You need at least one concrete goal that is just yours. Maybe enroll in a Mud Run that you need to train for, no matter what she does?

Make sure your diet is reasonable. For example, someone just mentioned a 1200 rule, making it sound like they never go over that: I would be miserable and prone to giving up: I try to eat somewhere between 1200 and eating back all of my exercise calories, with most days being around 1300. Other people give up certain foods or food groups. If you are deprived, you will be more likely to go off the rails.

Some couples have a cheat jar: If you break certain rules (skip a scheduled workout, go over maintenance calories for the day, don't log for two consecutive days...), you put money in the jar. If your partner is consistently the first to mess up, you might want to consider two cheat jars: you get the money she puts in to spend on yourself and vice versa.