Friends aren't supportive?

TheGirlsATimeBomb

most of my friends (male and female) are significantly heavier than i am. to clarify, i am about 10-15 pounds overweight. i find that a lot of them get frustrated with me when we all go out to eat and i get a salad and say things (assumingly joking) like "you're just trying to make us look bad" or "you're already skinny, why do you need a salad?" i am getting a salad not only because I REALLY LIKE SALADS but because i AM still overweight and trying to lose more. furthermore, i told them my gym days, and they still invite me out on those days, and get mad when i say no. the most frustrating thing on earth to me is when people tell me "you're skinny enough" when i'm not even at a healthy weight.

i don't let them discourage me, i still diet and exercise and have dropped significant weight with much more to go, but i just feel like if they were my real friends they would support me. i don't expect them to jump on the wagon with me, so why are they trying to push me off? i'm sure the simple solution is to talk to them (which i've tried) or to stop hanging out with them, but they really are great friends aside from their snide remarks. what do?
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DonnaJones7

Very sorry to hear that! Knowing that their jealousy or frustration is causing them to lash out sure doesn't help! They should be more supportive!! All you can do is continue to set a good example for them. It's hard to change. You're doing the right thing.

Of_Monsters_and_Meat

If words don't work, talk with your fists.

Unknown

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Amandabelanger614

I am also 21... and i have found the same. I have one good friend that is very supportive but she isn't really into the lifestyle im in right now. So its not the same.

I've found that this goal is something you stand alone with. Weight is such a sketchy topic to speak about anyways. They may even be jealous that you have such willpower and control. (I even have issues with family on this issue)

If you care about them, i would try to find a balance to manage the two. This is a personal goal you have, you can't be upset with them for not understanding your true aspiration because they are not you.

My biggest tip would be: know when a night out is a special occasion and live those nights up. Workout & eat right the rest of the time as best you can.

Feel free to add me.

ubermofish

They don't sound like friends to me. Sounds like they're just projecting their insecurities on you, like how smokers will give non-smokers grief about not smoking.

jan5500

A friend recently said something similar to me. I very calmly said: "I am trying really hard to get to a healthy weight. Please don't discourage me. I need all of the encouragement I can get". She immediately said that she was just jealous because of the tremendous willpower I takes to do what I am doing - willpower that she struggles with. Our conversation took a big turn after that and she was very encouraging. Sometimes, you just need to let your friends know what you need from them. Friendship is a two-way street.

Iknowsaur

They don't sound like friends to me. Sounds like they're just projecting their insecurities on you, like how smokers will give non-smokers grief about not smoking.

This is absolutely true /: They also sound a little jealous, to be honest.
I had a friend who discouraged me from losing weight when I was in high school (I was very heavy) and it was pretty clearly because she wanted to be the "thin and pretty" one. It's sad.

spectralmoon

There are going to be people that do not and passively will not support you during this body transition. Whether it's because of insecurities, worries for you, ignorance to how you're going about it safely (we all hope), etc., it is going to happen.

I think that all you can really do is explain (once is really enough per person) how you're doing this and what you want to accomplish, and after that, don't discuss it. Accept compliments graciously, and let the "You're too skinny to do this!" remarks roll off your back without a retort (getting defensive will keep them on the offense).

Best of luck to you, and as someone else mentioned, MFP is here, and we're supporting you all the way!!! :flowerforyou:

Escloflowne

All the successful people seem to go through this at some point, it's not you, it's them! You're cool, I mean you like Rancid so I know that for a fact!

ElliottTN

Are you one of those people that announces to the entire table that you are having a salad or grilled chicken because you want to be healthier?

Or

Maybe you are one of the ones that says " I'd like to go out but I need to workout"

If I were an overweight friend of yours then I might take it as you throwing things in my face about my own health. Just saying.

Dunno though, maybe girls are different from guys. When I started, my friends never made comments except congrats on my results. Of course I never made it a point to always tell them I was making changes.

TheGirlsATimeBomb

Are you one of those people that announces to the entire table that you are having a salad or grilled chicken because you want to be healthier?

Or

Maybe you are one of the ones that says " I'd like to go out but I need to workout"

If I were an overweight friend of yours then I might take it as you throwing things in my face about my own health. Just saying.

Dunno though, maybe girls are different from guys. When I started, my friends never made comments except congrats on my results. Of course I never made it a point to always tell them I was making changes.

No. I do not. The night normally consists of us sitting down, one friend saying "wonder which salad brandy is getting tonight" and the whole table laughing while i sit there embarrassed, wanted to order something else just to prove them wrong, but end up ordering a salad anyways because i love salads >.<

i know they are trying to be funny, and in all honesty, it IS funny, the first and second time. the 200th time, it's mocking me. one even offered to order for me because he "knew what i was going to get" and then said "no wait, you want to order for yourself because talking burns calories right?" some things are funny, most are downright rude.

edit: and they know my gym days are monday, tuesday, and thursday. they know very well. so if me saying "no, i'm going to the gym" insults them, that's not my problem. i'm not going to lie when they know exactly where i'll be.

but thank you for bringing in the other side, it's interesting to see what they may be thinking.

gabe0385

I am the type of person who never keeps his opinions to himself so if I was in your shoes, I'd reply with some smart *kitten* comments lol. Of course this is just me, my friends always refer to me as an a**hole.

Laurayinz

They don't sound like friends to me. Sounds like they're just projecting their insecurities on you, like how smokers will give non-smokers grief about not smoking.

This... They're probably jealous and are picking on you to make themselves feel better. Just quit going out with them if they don't know how to be grown-ups.

So_Much_Fab

The night normally consists of us sitting down, one friend saying "wonder which salad brandy is getting tonight" and the whole table laughing while i sit there embarrassed, wanted to order something else just to prove them wrong, but end up ordering a salad anyways because i love salads >.<

Potential Responses:

"Wonder how many more times you're going to say that thinking it's funny?"
"Wonder why you continually feel the need to mock what I choose to eat?"
"Wonder you're so hell-bent on being a douchecanoe every time we go out to eat?"
"Wonder just exactly what is so hilarious about eating a salad?"

...hopefully you get the picture.

And you should NEVER feel that you should eat something other than what you want in order to "prove them wrong". You eat your salads, girl...and be proud!!

TheGirlsATimeBomb

The night normally consists of us sitting down, one friend saying "wonder which salad brandy is getting tonight" and the whole table laughing while i sit there embarrassed, wanted to order something else just to prove them wrong, but end up ordering a salad anyways because i love salads >.<

Potential Responses:

"Wonder how many more times you're going to say that thinking it's funny?"
"Wonder why you continually feel the need to mock what I choose to eat?"
"Wonder you're so hell-bent on being a douchecanoe every time we go out to eat?"
"Wonder just exactly what is so hilarious about eating a salad?"

...hopefully you get the picture.

And you should NEVER feel that you should eat something other than what you want in order to "prove them wrong". You eat your salads, girl...and be proud!!

thanks so much
i know i need to start standing up for myself, i never have, hopefully that comes with time and confidence.

Supertact

I know them feels. Next time just say I don't want to be fat like you.

mschicagocubs

I have the same problems, but we are all trying to lose weight. But since they are all much heavier than me, I cant complain about anything or give advice on eating because they take it offensively since I am "already skinny"

The past few weeks have been hard with me and my friends. So I dont talk to them about it...kinda sucks. That is why you will see me on here talking about it all day long while I am supposed to be working!

disneygallagirl

It is about their insecurities; it is not about you.
So, just keep on doing what you are doing.

rondaj05

The night normally consists of us sitting down, one friend saying "wonder which salad brandy is getting tonight" and the whole table laughing while i sit there embarrassed, wanted to order something else just to prove them wrong, but end up ordering a salad anyways because i love salads >.<

Potential Responses:

"Wonder how many more times you're going to say that thinking it's funny?"
"Wonder why you continually feel the need to mock what I choose to eat?"
"Wonder you're so hell-bent on being a douchecanoe every time we go out to eat?"
"Wonder just exactly what is so hilarious about eating a salad?"

...hopefully you get the picture.

And you should NEVER feel that you should eat something other than what you want in order to "prove them wrong". You eat your salads, girl...and be proud!!

^^ Great ideas!! :flowerforyou:

bwogilvie

Some good advice here. If you are the smallest person in your group of friends, it's also possible that they genuinely believe that you're getting too small—especially if you live somewhere where a lot of people are overweight or obese. They might actually be concerned—not that it would make their remarks any easier to take.

JTick

Can you go to the gym first and then go out with them? If someone asks me to go out on a gym night, I'll say "sure, I need to swing by the gym first, so pick you up about 7?". That way, I get my workout in, and then go have fun time.

JTick

Also, I question how much they are your friends if they say things like this. My friends are happy I'm getting healthy, and they won't expect me to quit working out or be careful about my eating when I reach my goal weight.

rocknlotsofrolls

if you really don't want to lose their friendship, (I would, but that's just me), I would just take what they say with a grain of salt, and when they get fatter and you get thinner, they'll be even more jealous, and that will be a kind of sweet justice for them being so unsupportive of you. Good Luck!

TheGirlsATimeBomb

Some good advice here. If you are the smallest person in your group of friends, it's also possible that they genuinely believe that you're getting too small—especially if you live somewhere where a lot of people are overweight or obese. They might actually be concerned—not that it would make their remarks any easier to take.

thanks again for showing me the other side, but i am a BIG girl. there is no way in HELL anyone could think i might be getting "too skinny"

Can you go to the gym first and then go out with them? If someone asks me to go out on a gym night, I'll say "sure, I need to swing by the gym first, so pick you up about 7?". That way, I get my workout in, and then go have fun time.

i work at 6am and have an hour commute, gym class at 7, so by the time i'm home and showered it's 9 at night, and just no. no no no.

holly1283

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. If your friends are that much heavier than you, they are finding it hard to be sympathetic to you having to lose only 10 -15 pounds. I have a lot of weight to lose and have to deal with those who say they are sooooo fat and really aren't. You seem to be appropriate about not broadcasting weight loss or gym workouts. You are wise to stop the weight gain before it gets out of control. True friends or not, sometimes they just cannot empathize but they should be gracious enough to not say anything.

cwolfman13

Fortunately, as you get older, your circle of "friends" becomes smaller...to include only actual friends...and these sorts of problems tend to be non-existent. In just a few short years, you will still associate with just a fraction of these people at best. At your age everyone is changing and choosing directions...yours obviously lies down a different path.

Iwishyouwell

Anybody successful at any major accomplishment, or even the pursuit of such, will face opposition from somebody in their life. Some of us face very little, others much.

A lot of people have real difficulty adapting to change. Sounds like your group is mostly comprised of fat people. Do you think it's easy for most of them to see you succeeding at that which they've likely struggled with, and failed? You're on a road that often brings up insecurities in those around you, fat or otherwise.

Embrace those who support you and ignore those who don't. Keep on ordering what you like, and lose as much as you chose. Stop justifying your behavior; it's none of their business what you eat, what you weigh. They'll eiter get over it or move on.

stacysum

Maybe try an outing that doesn't involve food. Get your friends active with you. I stopped hanging out with my couch potato friends so much and keep myself busy with friends that like hiking and biking. Even when I was dating, I would only meet or go out with guys that live an active lifestyle. It's hard doing it alone and you can use all the motivation you can get.

seaberry09

It's not about you, it's about them.

You can either:
a) do nothing
b) say something
or c) distance yourself

Personally, I don't have the time or energy to spend with people who belittle me constantly, so I would choose c.

I hope you can find some peeps you have more in common with!

deksgrl

Fortunately, as you get older, your circle of "friends" becomes smaller...to include only actual friends...and these sorts of problems tend to be non-existent. In just a few short years, you will still associate with just a fraction of these people at best. At your age everyone is changing and choosing directions...yours obviously lies down a different path.

^^This.