I need advice

surreychic

I am a very all or nothing person. I wish I wasn't, but unless I am mindful and motivated, I end up just thinking "oh well" and pop more food in and do even less exercise. the more food I eat, the less I feel like doing! I don't know why, overeating leaves me without energy, makes me look awful, lifts my mood for a few seconds....then I feel awful and flat... and a few hours later I'm doing the same thing again.

I am now mum, and often we have other children in the house too and they have lots of energy and I find myself, when preparing their meals (my son eats healthily but the other children like white bread and nutella- foods I can't stop eating) and I find myself snacking. My motivations when I was younger were looking good and this no longer a priority. i rarely go out in the evenings and I have become complacent.

I would love to be motivated as I used to be. I like to have goals to stay motivated, I'm wondering about publicly shaming myself and putting pics up and hopefully I can have before and after pics...

My day starts with bingeing. i'm often up at six (I haven't adjusted to this lack of sleep thing) and I start the day with coffee and dark chocolate - lots of both!!!

I really want to find a goal and others who can become fitness/healthy eating "buddies". I would rather be obsessive than having this attitude every day and making the same mistakes every day.

Good luck to all x

pastryari

Either you want it or you don't.

When you decide that it's a priority and you want it badly enough, you'll do it.

Until then, no one else can make you care.

lizcraft

For me it took a lot of soul searching and determination to finally say enough is enough, i am gonna do this once and for all...FOR ME....You have to want it bad enough. You have to want to change for the healthy version and decide that you have had enough and just go for it. I used to eat whatever I wanted to in the past. It took me 2 months of being alone after a really bad break up to make my head flip and say...I AM DONE WITH ALL THIS CRAP, I AM DONE WITH BEING HEAVY AND UNHEALTHY...IT IS MY TIME TO SHINE AND I AM GOING TO DO THIS... You have to make that decision. No one can do it for you. And when you do make that decision there is no stopping you.

spparkle

I recently came across this article, and it has some interesting thoughts about motivation and willpower and such;

http://blogs.hbr.org/2014/02/how-to-make-yourself-work-when-you-just-dont-want-to/

Particularly Reason #2 You are putting something off because you don’t “feel” like doing it.

surreychic

Thank you for replying. Yes, I guess it is laziness. To be honest, overeating and doing nothing is easy. I am an emotional eater and i jut love food. I do think some people (I'm a little prone to sometimes feeling down and that makes me feel lethargic) get more of a "high off food" and I am one of those. It is my drug of choice.

Really a wake up call to read your posts. You're right you have to want it badly enough.... I frustrate myself so much, I happily carry on making the same mistakes each day jumping from food euphoria to depression and laziness!

nenshali

I would not call it laziness.

In fact, your striving for perfection is the key!
You want to do it the very best; in a perfect way. If that is not possible; why even try? This sounds extreme and is not a conscious choice, but it's there. We don't want it to be halfway done, and even though it's stupid, we prefer to don't do it at all instead of accepting just an average result.

What we have to accept is that we will NEVER be perfect. "being perfect" is like a certain point in the future we want to jump to, without waiting for the progress itself. And this is not possible because 1) there is no real "perfection", just a theoretical one and 2) even if there were, we would never just suddenly "get there".

What we have to change in our mindset is changing "being perfect" to "giving our best". Because we CAN give our best. And "being the best we can in this situation" makes it more realistic. There is no fixed point in the future we want to get to.
Instead, we get to a certain point where we give it all. And maybe, two months later, we can already give much more, which we couldn't do before!

[img]http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll282/thianari/save/graph.jpg [/i] It requires a change in your mindset, but it's possible. Try to do it step for step. Maybe this helps you: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1198789-how-to-stay-motivated-while-being-depressed-after-a-relapse Good luck :flowerforyou:[/img]

joybedford

I agree with all other poster you have to want it bad enough. When my twins were born in 2004 I had only gained 24lb in pregnancy and thought the weight would drop off like it did after my first child I was wrong. A combination of eating chocolate to comfort myself during night feeds and stress due to my oldest child special needs found me still at the same weight 4 years on. I joined a number if slimming classes lost a bit of weight regained it tried another fad regained it. This cycled with periods of binge eating. I was stressed, depressed and not coping with my children, my family deserved better but I didn't have the motivation or the inclination. I don't recognise myself in photos from that time.
2 things happened to change this my niece joined MFP and when I saw her logging in I joined up too and was hooked (well I stopped logging in for a few months but then restarted). The second thing was the biggie though. Piers (one of the twins) was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, to begin with I became even more depressed and thought why me ( my oldest child has autism too). One day piers ran away from me in the street I had no hope of catching him being 36lbs overweight and so unfit and he was almost hit by a car. That was the turning point, I decided my kids and myself deserved more i also decide that my life was always going to stressful with the boys needs and I needed to make the best of the life I had and stop feeling sorry for myself. I went home logged into MFP and started running the very next day. It was tough to begin with but I persevered now I am training for my 3rd half marathon, lift weights and am on my way to a six pack. I am also no longer depressed. Sorry my reply is lengthy but I thought my story might help someone out there. I have a new habit now working out, I am not saying I don't sometimes turn to food for comfort but for me it us just not worth it. Good luck on your journey and I hope you find your motivation.

surreychic

Joyybedford,

Thank you so much for replying. I'm so sorry to hear about all you have been through. Sleep deprivation is horrific on it's own (I know I am reaching for snacks all the time when I'm tired). Then on top of that you have had a lot of worry and concern. It provides so much hope that you are fighting back.

Please do keep in touch. People have been so kind offering me support already, and they don't even know me.

surreychic

Nenhall,

I think you are spot on. i think in my mind I have this perfect plan, and because it's unattainable I think, I haven't got round to it yet. yet I fluctuate between that and not trying at all and that is unhealthy. I like that being the best you can be. I frighten when myself when I think of a future as I can't see how I am going to stop this spiral of low mood eat feel better lower mood feel tired eat, feel better. Every now and then I join a fitness class and love it, then I just go back to overeating and ;lethargy again.


Thank you of your post, I'm going to read some of the inks you and others have posted. x

msf74

I would not call it laziness.

In fact, your striving for perfection is the key!
You want to do it the very best; in a perfect way. If that is not possible; why even try? This sounds extreme and is not a conscious choice, but it's there. We don't want it to be halfway done, and even though it's stupid, we prefer to don't do it at all instead of accepting just an average result.

What we have to accept is that we will NEVER be perfect. "being perfect" is like a certain point in the future we want to jump to, without waiting for the progress itself. And this is not possible because 1) there is no real "perfection", just a theoretical one and 2) even if there were, we would never just suddenly "get there".

What we have to change in our mindset is changing "being perfect" to "giving our best". Because we CAN give our best. And "being the best we can in this situation" makes it more realistic. There is no fixed point in the future we want to get to.
Instead, we get to a certain point where we give it all. And maybe, two months later, we can already give much more, which we couldn't do before!

[img]http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll282/thianari/save/graph.jpg [/i] It requires a change in your mindset, but it's possible. Try to do it step for step. Maybe this helps you: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1198789-how-to-stay-motivated-while-being-depressed-after-a-relapse Good luck :flowerforyou:[/img]

Wonderful post.

jt032093

I just rejoined MFP for about the 20th time. I to get into ruts. I binge eat and drink to much, feel sorry for myself, so I repeat the cycle. I have done this so many times that I am now about 25 pounds over weight. I have lost almost all motivation and have started to feel sorry for myself. Which makes me angry, because the only person I have to blame is myself. It is a vicious cycle, and I so want to stop repeating it. I woke up this morning and was praying that I would keep the motivation going, not only to look and feel better, but for my health and self respect. Your post and the others really hit me hard. It was like my prayers were answered. We all struggle with something, and I think we all feel alone at times. I am taking one day at a time, and trying to forgive myself for allowing this to happen to my mind, body and soul. I am the only one who can make the change. Stay strong and know that your not alone.

surreychic

Nenshall and others,

Another thing I meant to say is, embarrassing as this is, i sometimes feel food is the only thing i look forward to. If any of you have also suffered with mild depression I wonder how you overcame that (food does temporarily provide me with a high). I love my little boy to bits, he is the best thing that happened to me, yet I will be in the kitchen stuffing my face when he wants to play.. the guilt i overwhelming and I have to shout at myself to get a grip.

Joybedford, I also had a shock the other day, my son turned on the tap and the water was hot. He had snaked into the bathroom. Food was the last thing on my mind of course, he was fine, but I just thought why don't I focus on what is truly important to me. It's ignorance I'm aware of that. I just feel sometimes I'm autopilot and I feel a bit spaced, does that make sense. Maybe I just need to crack the whip!

I loved how I felt when I was super healthy years ago, I had energy and maybe I was obsessive, I would eat steamed fish and vegetables and sweet potatoes and brown rice- maybe this was just too perfectionist but it made me feel good. I hate the way I just don't do this any more. It's crackers, even typing this I'm thinking "what a wally"! I don't like myself or my behaviour!

Thank you all for your support x

surreychic

jt032093 I totally understand and I'm so sorry you feel like this. Remember other people have found a way out. EVERYONE relapses is, you are learning about yourself and you are most certainly NOT ALONE.

When I find out more, or have more answers I will get in touch!

Hugs.

msf74

Can I recommend two books to you?

The first is "Ditching Diets" by Gillian Riley - this gives you specific techniques on how to deal with cravings which can be used very effectively with calorie counting.

The second is "How to have your cake and your skinny jeans too" by Josie Spinardi which is more about intuitive / hunger directed eating but she gives a fascinating insight into why traditional dieting messes with people's heads. I love this book (and I am man!)

Please realise this: you are not alone. What you are feeling is common and experienced by huge numbers of people and made immeasurably worse by a dieting industry which, at its heart, is utterly idiotic.

MissCherrySwirl

I would not call it laziness.

In fact, your striving for perfection is the key!
You want to do it the very best; in a perfect way. If that is not possible; why even try? This sounds extreme and is not a conscious choice, but it's there. We don't want it to be halfway done, and even though it's stupid, we prefer to don't do it at all instead of accepting just an average result.

What we have to accept is that we will NEVER be perfect. "being perfect" is like a certain point in the future we want to jump to, without waiting for the progress itself. And this is not possible because 1) there is no real "perfection", just a theoretical one and 2) even if there were, we would never just suddenly "get there".

What we have to change in our mindset is changing "being perfect" to "giving our best". Because we CAN give our best. And "being the best we can in this situation" makes it more realistic. There is no fixed point in the future we want to get to.
Instead, we get to a certain point where we give it all. And maybe, two months later, we can already give much more, which we couldn't do before!

[img]http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll282/thianari/save/graph.jpg [/i] It requires a change in your mindset, but it's possible. Try to do it step for step. Maybe this helps you: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1198789-how-to-stay-motivated-while-being-depressed-after-a-relapse Good luck :flowerforyou:[/img]

YES! This makes so much sense! Thank you, thank you, thank you! :flowerforyou:

surreychic

msf74 thank you I'm going to see if I can get a download now!

abradeen2013

joybedford, Thanks for sharing. I also have children with special needs. It can be hard to find time to take care of yourself when you constantly have to needs of your children and family in the forefront. I know it makes sense that taking care of myself is the best way to be the best mom I can be, but I needed the reminder. I know I feel much better, energetic, ect. when I eat right and exercise, but it is so easy to forget all of that when you feel overwhelmed by life and it seems easier to just call in a pizza for dinner than prepare a healthy meal. Anyway, I appreciated your candor and it helped! (Even though I wasn't the one specifically looking for advice)

abradeen2013

joybedford, Thanks for sharing. I also have children with special needs. It can be hard to find time to take care of yourself when you constantly have to needs of your children and family in the forefront. I know it makes sense that taking care of myself is the best way to be the best mom I can be, but I needed the reminder. I know I feel much better, energetic, ect. when I eat right and exercise, but it is so easy to forget all of that when you feel overwhelmed by life and it seems easier to just call in a pizza for dinner than prepare a healthy meal. Anyway, I appreciated your candor and it helped! (Even though I wasn't the one specifically looking for advice)

surreychic

I can't help but the only way for me to deal with overeating is view myself as being addicted. I am not trying to get rid of any blame, but I just start and don't want to stop. When I have been at work all day and had no access to food I don't even go there with the overeating if that makes sense. I am not sure what others feel about this analogy..

joybedford

I agree it is totally an addiction. One grain of sugar for me and I can't stop. I view it the same way.

Blokeypoo

I post this a lot but this helps me:

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.

I'm cheeky and outgoing but a proper miss negative about myself. Age 46 I am a different person because I worked on changing myself, I thought my personality type was predetermined but you CAN change it or make it work better for you. I'm not cured but I know how to manage it now and have been maintaining for a year.

This book is great, not for depression but for negative thinking and I think is why I have succeeded this time and have a more positive attitude http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286

msf74

I can't help but the only way for me to deal with overeating is view myself as being addicted. I am not trying to get rid of any blame, but I just start and don't want to stop. When I have been at work all day and had no access to food I don't even go there with the overeating if that makes sense. I am not sure what others feel about this analogy..

It's not so much as an addiction as a very powerfully conditioned response which you have created and reinforced over time. I know Gillian Riley in one of the books I recommended talks of an "addictive" desire but I think more accurately it is an unconscious compulsive desire. However the feelings that this conditioning creates - feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, despair, and so on can make it seem remarkably close to an addiction.

The fact that you do not feel compelled to eat when there is no free access to food at work suggests this is true as well. If you had been addicted then you would have sought out food no matter the environment.

The good news is if you can condition yourself to over eat then you can also condition yourself not to do so using specific techniques. With an addiction abstinence is required, with that you are experiencing that is not the case. You truly can have it all...

slimmalikah

Morning! It's all about timing. You have to finally be tired of the person you see in the mirror and then it will motivate you to change. I have said "I'm going to exercise and change my eating" for a few years now. But about three weeks ago I just decided it was time. I'm still a "newby" two weeks in but I refuse to give up this time around. You'll change when you desire it more than your chocolate. lol Good luck to you on your journey.

hoyalawya2003

Didn't read all of the replies, but I am going to recommend one more book: the Beck Diet Solution. It is not a diet per se, it is cognitive behavioral therapy to change your relationship to food and eating. I found it immensely helpful when I had gotten off track, given up, and regained 20 lbs. It is not an overnight fix, but it helps you overcome the perfectionist and the food reward mindsets, which were something I struggle with too.

kgeyser

Tagging because I want to come back and comment on this later, running out the door right now. :flowerforyou:

HappyNewTamera2014

Rarely is one born into the world being perfect at any particular task.....this is why you must practice. If you want it bad enough you will do it over and over until you get to where you consider perfect. If you let a bad day defeat you then you do not want it as bas as you say.....you would rather wallow in your temp failures instead of "perfect" them. Just do it...do not speak of it...do not wish for it.....none of us helped you get here, you landed here on your own.

kgeyser

In reading your post, I don't think your problem is with food. I don't think you have food addiction or issues with food. I think the problem lies with the change in your life situation in becoming a mum and being at home with your little one. I know what it's like not to bother with your appearance because you aren't going anywhere; to eat when you are tired, or frustrated, or bored; to not care what you eat because you feel stuck and unable to do the things you need to do to lose weight; piling on the food because you're not happy, all the while knowing that the food isn't going to make you happy, but not eating it isn't going to make you happy or the weight magically fall off either, so you might as well eat the food and enjoy the emotional comfort/sugar rush.

I don't think that you necessarily don't want it enough, I think you're just overwhelmed by obstacles right now. I don't know enough about your situation to say "do this to succeed," but what I can do is ask you "what CAN you do that you know you can succeed at?" I know you said you are an all or nothing person, and as a mum myself, sometimes little victories and "good enough" are the way to go just to keep your sanity. I started this journey just by adding in 30 min of exercise a day. I knew trying to cut my food intake was going to be a recipe for disaster at that point, but I could exercise. I knew I could do that. Even if there weren't any results (and there were not for about 7 weeks until I got my diet in check), I could say that I was able to accomplish that each day. So what's the one thing you know you can do?

pastryari

I agree it is totally an addiction. One grain of sugar for me and I can't stop. I view it the same way.

Oh, for the love of...

:noway:

SusanUW83

I suggest making small changes at a time that will ultimately motivate you as you have success with those. Make your "usual" serving size smaller at least a couple of times today. Substitute something healthy for your usual "faves" at least once a day -- i.e. sweet potato for white potato, or broccoli or green beans for your starch. Substitute ground turkey for high fat hamburger meat. Eat your salad dressing on the side -- if you dip your fork into the dressing and then grab some salad, the calories are significantly less even if you use your favorite high cal dressing. If you don't want to count calories, track the number of "small successes" you have per day and try to add gradually increase it until you find you enjoy eating healthy with good habits instead of thinking of it as a chore.