An absolute failure... breeds a new chance to try again.

slmckenzie

Hey all!

A long time ago I was fit. well, as fit as a high school student could be. I was a bit overweight, at around 170 lbs or so, but I was actively involved in TaeKwonDo, and was darn good at it. However, it bothered me that I was a bit overweight, but never really had the motivation to lose it (after all, being busy with getting ready for college with applications, etc., as well as the added stresses of student life didn't afford me much time to lose weight!).

I went to college, and ballooned like crazy. It gradually got worse and worse, and I got heavier and heavier. I finally graduated, and started working my first job out of college, weighing around 235 lbs or so. I lived that way for quite awhile, and finally had enough and started working to lose weight. I worked, and I lost around 20 lbs, bringing me down to 215 lbs. I floated there for awhile, and eventually landed at 221 lbs.

Roughly three years ago to the month, I found MFP. My wife and I both took it upon ourselves to lose some weight (I needed to much more than her, but she was very supportive and helpful in me losing the weight). I went completely gung ho with it, attacking everything head on, tracking every bite, every step, and ultimately losing decent weight. In a matter of about 3-4 months, I had lost exactly 38 lbs, bringing me down to 183 lbs. My initial goal weight had been to get back to 175 lbs, so I was close, so close! I had worked my rear off to get where I did, and knew that I'd never see a 200+ lb weight on the scale again - NEVER!

And then life hit. And I changed jobs. And I drove all the time. And I was never home.

And I gained.....and gained.....and gained....and gained some more.

I went to the gym today to get an official weight, in order to start a new 90 day weight loss challenge at the gym. My weight?

224 lbs...

You remember that 221 lbs that I weighed 3 years ago, that I thought was way too damned high and needed to be lost? Yeah, I weigh more than that now. W....T.....F...... How sick is that? What a complete, and utter failure am I in losing weight?

I had attempted to lose weight a few months back with a trainer. He was incredibly supportive and worked me hard, but I just didn't seem to have the motivation. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was because I was afraid of being sick after every workout. Maybe I was too preoccupied with life. Maybe I was just....lazy?

I can't do this anymore. I can't go on weighing 220+ lbs. I can't go on see-sawing back and forth, swinging 40 lbs worth of weight one way or another on the scale. I can't!

This ends now. The crap food. The weight. The tiredness. The unhealthiness. The not-giving-a-crap-about-the-future. It's done. Will it be hard? Oh hell yeah will it be hard. It's hard right now. It's been 7 hours since I've eaten supper. I should be in bed, but I've got bills and other life requirements that need done before I can go to bed. And so I sit here, starving, wanting to go downstairs and get something unhealthy. Popcorn? Chips? A shamrock shake? You name it. Am I really hungry? No, probably not. I will drink a camelbak full of water before going to bed to help curb the hunger. *Gurgle....* My stomach just growled at me in protest. It wants food. It's USED to food at this time!

But I must resist. I must insist on the healthy outcome to life, not the unhealthy life that I've lived. That 220+ on the scale is unacceptable. Those 5Ks won't run themselves either. Tomorrow's a new day, and a new opportunity to change the course of history.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.