Starting recovery from bulimia...will I gain weight? Scared?

strongandskinnysoon

So I'm starting recovery from bulimia. I had a year of what I call "pseudo-anorexia" (in actuality, I ate 1000-1200 calls/day, worked out, and was very obsessive about my food having to be nutritious. Everyone else says I was anorexic then though) and have been bulimic for almost 3 years since then. During my bulimia stage, I have done nothing but gain weight. I'm 5'0...I went up from 90lbs to 105 in about a year, and hit my highest (120) about 1.5 years after that, but maintained about 118 for the past year and a bit. Since I came to university, I have managed to lose a few pounds (114-116ish is my CW), but I'm still far above where I should or want to be.

For most of my life Pre-ED, I weighed around 105, and I'd give anything to even be there again (my GW is 98, but that could be the ED talking). I'm so scared to gain weight in recovery from bulimia....they made me a meal plan, and by the looks of it it's about 1700-2000 cals/day (it varies depending on my options). Every part of me is ready to try and beat this thing...except the little voice that says "Don't do it! They're going to make you fat!!"

I was wondering, however, that since bulimia has caused me to gain weight, will I lose weight in recovery? Or have I slowed down my metabolism and made my "set point" higher?
Has anyone else here recovered from bulimia? How did your weight change in recovery? How was your pre-bulimia weight compared to your pre-recovery weight?
Does anyone have tips to allow me to fight past this little voice and be ok with maybe gaining weight?

LRoslin

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for going for recovery. I am a recovered bulimic, but I don't know if my experience will jibe with yours. I was 140 pounds and 5'8" in high school, when I developed bulimia, and maintained that weight throughout high school, college and grad school. When I got married and had children, I gained weight--60 pounds with each pregnancy, and kept 10 pounds afterwards from each pregnancy . Four kids in all, and I hit 180 in my late 30s.

I stopped purging early in my marriage (for the most part--occasionally it would resurface in between pregnancies) but the binging stayed, which I'm sure helped with me keeping on the weight. When I hit 40 and saw pictures of myself, I realized it was time to go back and reclaim my 140 lb size--the size where I thought I was fat but you know what, I wasn't. Really wish I could go back in time and talk to my 16 year old self (not sure she would listen, though!

I've come to realize that my ED was a result of feeling out of control, and was an attempt to impose control on something I felt was all my own. Using MFP and counting calories has actually helped with that. I pre-log so I can plan my snacks; if I can't have snacks I start to feel panicky and actually want to binge. I know, for example, if I don't plan an evening snack to look forward to, I will graze after dinner and end up going over my calorie allotment. So for me, planning my meals and watching my macros (carbs, protein, fat, sodium) is key. I am calmer and stronger when I know I'm in the zone.

I would advise against making your goal weight under what you weighed before your ED. Actually, if you're recovering from an ED I would caution you against actively trying to lose weight. Instead make your goals about fitness and health. Maybe you could make weight lifting a goal, and work on building strength. Or make running marathons a goal. Instead of fighting against your body, try to celebrate what it can do. Unless you have an unhealthy BMI, or have been advised to lose weight by a doctor, I would focus on fitness and balanced nutrition (including treats! When I first started on MFP I was all about losing weight, but when I started really focusing on nutrition and fitness, that's when I started to enjoy the process. I am loving seeing my muscles get toned, and feel my endurance levels rising--we live in a four story house and I can finally go from the first floor to the attic without being out of breath when I hit the top!

Bottom line, you should be very proud of yourself for working towards recovery. Be kind to yourself as you get there.

mj4488

First of all congratulations on starting to get a handle on things. It's more than I've managed to do over the past few years so I'm very happy for you!

To answer your question I've kind of gone in and out of recovery over the past few years (read in and out of exam periods - my ultimate trigger, am currently mid finals and it's not good!) and I actually lose weight when I stop bingeing and purging. Reading your post tho I'm now thinking that's probably because my lifestyle is then more like your 'pseudo anorexic phase' in that I won't go above 1200 and exercise 5times a week. I always thought this was my healthy time but am now reconsidering.

I would also advise against putting your goal weight so low, I've done this is in the past and it is dangerously easy to become obsessed with it. I would stick with one thing at a time so for now make your priority kicking bulimia to the curb and once you've got that under control you can look at weight loss but in actuality you might see that you've lost weight anyway but by avoiding the binges.

I don't know if any of this made sense or was useful but I hope so!

mymodernbabylon

As a CBT therapist who has worked in eating disorders, I'm hoping you are working with a group of people around this disorder. Are/Have you seen a therapist or a nutritionist? Dieting while in recovery for bulimia is something that is not encouraged at all....you need to do a few things first: (a) work through what got you into an ED in the first place, (B) regulate your eating so that you can do it normally w/o binging or purging. If you aren't working with someone, I would highly encourage it, as something that can hang on for a long time w/o the help.

It's great that you want to move on from your ED and I wish you the very best. At the least, please do see a GP/Doctor to make sure that what you want is healthy and achievable w/o going into another ED.

christa279

I don't have experience with ED's but I do have experience with obsessive behavior. My inexperience is what made me think twice about responding.

Congratulations on starting to get a handle on things! I think you should maybe look at it from a point of health and nutrition, instead of focusing on weight loss vs. weight gain. I know that's easier said than done! It's just that you seem pretty focused on getting to your pre-ED weight, but you are 19 and that would mean that weight was when you were around 16ish? I think focusing on health and getting a handle on the bulimia are most important for you right now.

The "little voice" might be hard to fight, but I think you need to try and ignore it. Tell yourself that you are beautiful and deserve to be healthy.

ETA: You didn't mention if you are in a support group. Maybe that would help?

zbindman

Hi everyone, I have stopped bulimia for over 3 months now and have gained approximately 15 - 20 pounds or so. I am 5'0 and weight 101 pounds while doing the bulimiar so now I must be between 115 and 120 or so, hopefully not more. I am also very bloated still. I haven't been on the scale since 6/18/14 and will not go on until I start eating better and lose some weight. I am very proud of myself for not purging and keeping all my food in, but I am still binging. Anyone else in the same situation? I have been battling bulimia on and off for about 23 years. I am almost 39 years old.