need help with my daughter

WrenLynn

I have a 14 year old daughter that weighs 157 pounds and is 5' 3". She is really pretty and has good self-esteem most of the time. I am concerned for her because I have struggled with my weight but only as an adult. I was thin until after having my kids. I fear that if she is already struggling with her weight what will her adult life be like? I never say anything about her weight and I tell her she is beautiful and love on her all the time. I ask her to go on a walk with me or ride bikes or go hiking, etc... She always says no. My son chooses to go with me alot and we enjoy our time and get good exercise in. We have rules about what and when we can eat. We have three meals and two snacks daily one of which can be junk. Lately she has been over eating at meals and I have had to tell her she couldn't have more when she wanted to. (had two but wanted a third helping). I try to tell to wait 20 minutes and you will realize you aren't hungry. I know the food tastes good but it will be there later for another meal if you want it then. She has also told me that she would be really upset if I continue to lose weight and end up being smaller than she is. My goal weight is between 140 and 150 lbs. This morning she asked if she could have a fudgsicle for breakfast before school and of course I said no and to make a better choice and she stormed off and said then she just wouldn't eat anything. I hate that she went to school hungry but didn't think I could "force feed" her. I would appreciate any helpful suggestions. Thanks.

ohwhataday

I wonder if you could think of anything else creative to have fun and get moving. I didn't care much either as a teen and I have had asthma since I was young so I used that as an excuse for a long time until I reached adulthood. I've realized now that with the correct breathing technique I CAN workout. I really hope you can figure some things out and get her moving, what's she interested in?? Does she like being outdoors, does she like the mall? You could go walk at the mall although that may not sound thrilling.. I wish I were of more help.

erickirb

You could try not keeping unhealthy food in the house then there will not be a choice whether to have "bad" food or not.

carcar63

I am going through the same thing with my daughter & son, they are both overweight, my daughter is 10 and weighs 135 my son is 11 and weighs 138. I've talked to her about it because she sees me working out and is VERY encouraging to me. She starts to work out, she'll go on the treadmill for 15mins then says she needs a break, tried talking her into to dvds with me but she says they're boring. She insists she doesn't eat much and she thinks she eats healthy, so this weekend I told her to right down everything she puts in her mouth, including juices bags and milk, she didn't do it. They constantly want to eat usually like and hour after a meal and I tell them they can't possibly be hungry and if they want to eat to have an apple or some other piece of fruit or drink water. And like your daughter, they storm away angry and upset. I worry that she will have a problem when she is older. At this point I think maybe all we can do is be encouraging and keep telling them we love them no matter what and hopely by watching us eating healthy and exercising they will do the same. Wish you all the best with your daughter.

jlorton82

Wow thats a tough one, especially with a teenager. My stepdaughter is 14 and talk about attitude!!! My stepdaughter is about the same height and weight as your daughter, kinda funny cuz her moms name is lynn too. Anyway, I had trouble with my stepdaughter taking snacks out of the pantry and hiding them in her room or backpack so she could take them to school and eat them and I tried to get her to work out with me and she was always very lazy about it or would make exscuses. When it came down to it I had to finally start hiding the junk snacks and just pretended that I didnt buy them. I would put one in her lunchbox a couple of times a week so she could have something good and then for dinner i intentionally wouldnt make enough for anyone to have more than a 2nd plate. I also started cutting out breads with our meals. For example if i made spagetti i would make it with whole wheat noodles and ground turkey instead of white noodles and beef and then I used to also make garlic bread or cheese bread to go a long with it but i just completley cut it out. If anyone was still hungry when it was all gone, then i offered a peice of fruit or told them i could heat up some veggies, most of the time they wouldnt want it. I am not going to tell you that I did it without her getting mad cuz that is far from the truth but over time she started realizing that I wasnt going to change it. I also started making her go outside for atleast 30 minutes everyday after school. I would tell her she could walk, read, ride her bike, I didnt care really as long as she wasnt getting into trouble and was outdoors. Typically she would get mad, but then she would walk around the neighborhood with her mp3 player and by the time she got back she would be over the attitude, shower, and hang out. Good luck on all of it! I know its hard but also, if you do get smaller than her, it might encourage her to start doing what you are doing so dont give up just because she isnt intersted, Teens are not interested in anything! lol

rockinmomto3

...she's a 15 year old girl. Nothing is going to motivate her but a boyfriend. LOL. As a teen, I was always between 160 and 175 lbs (give or take), but I'm a little taller (at 5'6"). My father was a HUGE man, so it's always been difficult for me to be thin. I also HATED exercising unless it was something I picked to do for myself (like volleyball, which I played all through high school). Even walking the dog was a huge issue for me. If you belong to a gym, why don't you take her to try a kickboxing class or a Zumba class? That way she can see if she likes it. Also, only keep healthy foods in your house. No more junk, no more fudgecicles. Try fruit and nut bars, baked chips, or tortilla chips with salsa. Or even popcorn! Have a variety, but no junk. That way she doesn't have that option. As for dinners, cook foods that are high in protein and fiber so that she fells fuller. Good luck!

nalia08

If I had to gauge what is going on, it is probably the pressure of school. She is performing the role of emotional eating. I remember when I was 14, I always thought I was bigger than the other kids. Which in reality I was, I just wasn't fat. I translated being bigger than them with being fat.

Keep trying for more physical activities. For instance, try skating, swimming, walking around the mall instead of a park. Maybe tell her it's your way of wanting to spend some girl time with her and after walking the mall for a hour, you will get pedicures.

Loosing weight, even at the age of 14 is a choice each individual has to make on there own. If she makes the statement about being upset if you loose more weight, let her know you to can do it together and she can be smaller than you an the everyone else. Tell her you to will have a goal of getting a new outfit or taking a mother daughter weekend trip. Like everyone else said, remove the unhealthy food altogether so when she wants it, it is not easily available! If that means everyone has to suffer for a few time, then so be it. Keep yogart in the house as a snack.

I hope some of this helps as this can be a difficult area for anyone to help with.

weightlessness

Mm, weight with children is pretty difficult. I was always a chubby kid, and my parents did little to encourage weightloss, except for the occasional "YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT" jabs by my mother. I think you're doing a good job, by trying to encourage her to make better choices, to really pay attention to the way her body responds to food. My son is 12 and on the chubby side as well, and we're pretty much doing the same thing. He really hasn't lost any weight because of this, even though he walks almost a mile home every day, but at least he can now say "no, I'm full" or "I'd rather wait a little while for dessert or a snack".

It's a hard age, and an incredibly hard balance. I knew plenty of bigger girls at my schools and the ones who lost weight were the ones who expressed an active interest in their health. Rather than forcing your girl into physical activities she doesn't want to do, why not remove the temptations completely. When my son started proving to us that he couldn't have a bag of goldfish at his disposal (that was supposed to last him at least 2 weeks), we started portioning out his snacks. It wasn't until we started showing him portion control, that he eased up... a little bit, at least.

I guess what I'm saying is, you're doing the best you can do without pushing your daughter to do something she hates or won't want to do.

00trayn

Coming from someone who weighed about 170 pounds at 5'2" when I started high school at age 14, I WISH my mom had done some of the things that you're doing!!! I wasn't really willing to make a change for myself until now (and I'm 23 and just got out of college). I got about as far as realizing that I was heavier than everyone, joining softball (which isn't as much exercise as it looks since I played outfield), and going to gym class 3 times a week.

I think encouraging healthier eating choices is a good start. I had no concept of portion control, how bad the foods I ate really were, and when to stop snacking. It really helps to encourage these habits now, otherwise it's a pain to have to learn the hard way as an overweight adult. I think the fact that she has expressed concern if you end up being smaller than her is a sign that she might have more underlying issues than you see on the surface about weight and healthy eating. I'm not saying drag her to Weight Watchers or throw out all the junk food in the house and serve nothing but veggies. But start a discussion about how important it is to be healthy, to eat better, and to get exercise. It will probably be painful (as if 14 year olds aren't painful enough... haha), but it's much better to sort it out now then to have problems later in life. I asked my mom why she didn't do anything about my unhealthy habits and her excuse was "you wouldn't listen". I wish she had MADE me listen. Start small and work your way up, at least get her interested in it.

SweetPandora

Sounds like you are doing the right things. You can't and shouldn't force your kids to do things they do not want.

Keep leading by example.

As previously mentioned I would try to eliminate the junk food in the house and keep limited amounts of healthier snacks on hand.

Could your daughters attitude be hormonal based?

One thing we do at my house is discuss activities we are going to do as a family on weekends, sometimes it's physical like cross country skiing, snow shoeing and sometimes it's apple picking or going to a movie but we decide together. I find including my daughter in the decision often helps get her to participate. My boyfriend and I both run and my daughter often comes along on her bicycle, when she decides to stay home that's ok too.

This weekend my daughter and I did our first 5 km run together. It was awesome and she was so proud of herself.

Best of luck.

Karen

jac2lyn

My mom was always heavy and I was chubby child but my mom tried really hard to keep healthy snacks out. I did not care much about my weight until I was 15 or 16, that is when I started to realize I was "fat" or so I said and decided to eat better. I have struggled with my weight my whole life so I know about that and the feelings. She might be eating more and not well because she is maybe depressed on the inside. At 14 you dont really talk about that.

I know it sounds terrible but try a reward style approach to help her get healthy. Have her go for walks with you to "explore" or have her ride a bike with you for a few miles. Tell her if she does this then you will have a treat later. (buy skinny cow ice cream bars or treats) that is the treat. Only buy healthy treats and not something like twinkies. Keep grapes and apples at her fingertips. Always on the kitchen counter and put all the bad stuff out of sight. Its like the out of sight out of mind way of thinking.

If she continues to tell you she will be mad if you weigh less then her then tell her to walk with you and that if she does what you do you wont weigh less. She needs motivation to get healthy and at her age it needs to be worked on. Then it will become her lifestyle and not just something to do for the moment!

Good luck

ChristieisReady

She's probably not going to work out *with* you, but you might try asking her if there's an activity she'd like to join. Or give her a few options and tell her to pick one.

As for asking for thirds: why is there enough food made for this to be an option? I know you have growing kids, but making only enough for one plate apiece (or two if it's really necessary) would pre-empt this problem. If you need to make large quantities (say for lasagna or whatever), freeze the leftovers before serving dinner.

I think it would be best *not* to call her out in front of anybody else (at dinner) about her food choices, it will probably just exacerbate the food hiding. And don't fudgesicles have 35-100 calories each? That's not such a terrible indulgence, even if it is first thing in the morning. I think it's nice that she even asked you and didn't just go to get it for herself (actually, she probably did when you weren't looking).

Bottom line: at 14, she needs to be allowed to make her own choices on food, and you need to be able to guide her by not keeping junk in the house and not making over-eating at meals easy to do. And *do* keep an eye on the food hoarding, that may require a talk with a counselor. By herself.

Equilibrium

Whatever you do, don't let your daughter's behaviour sabotage your progress! You've done incredibly well with your weight loss.

I realize that you have other family members in the house, but maybe you just shouldn't have all of the extra food that isn't really needed (fudgcicles!). Also, could you adjust the portions that you cook so that there are NO leftovers? I cook for between 4 and 6 people, depending on whether the lodgers and/or step-daughter are here, but it's rare that we have leftovers. If I know we're going to (or that someone will eat extra food even when they're full) I'll pull out a portion before the food gets to the table. That way, I have a quick lunch the next day and there's no temptation for anyone to eat too much.

leanne1973

You could try not keeping unhealthy food in the house then there will not be a choice whether to have "bad" food or not.

Not enough love for this comment IMO.

Teenagers are always going to be a delicate issue, especially if they are not trying to help themselves. However, having fudgesicals in the house makes it possible to ask for one for breakfast; if there were no chocolate or candy in the house, only fruit and vegetables for snacks, then the question would be obsolete. And I don't think that having one 'bad' snack a day is helping. Try having only a small amount of 'bad' snacks in the house altogether and once they have all been eaten, then that leaves only the 'good' snacks until you go grocery shopping again. A very black and white stance on this might be a more passive way to deal with it and thus avoid your daughter going off to school with nothing to eat.

liss125

I can relate. My boys are nine and six years old. Neither of them are overweight. The problem is that my older son, while very active, eats like a horse. If I didn't stop him, I promise you, he would eat an entire large pizza on his own. We went out to dinner last night--he ordered a kids meal, a salad and a huge bottle of rootbeer. Fine, he had just finished his football game, he was hungry. We allow the kids to splurge when we go out to eat. But, at the end of the meal, he stated how full he was. He looked a little miserable. When the server comes by and asks about dessert, he's ready for a sundae! Naturally, we said no, and he didn't argue. When he behaves as if he is consuming his last meal, it really worries me. I explain to him that there are other meals in his future, and might include a sundae, if he wouldn't stuff himself silly. For me, it's a fine line between educating them about eating properly and giving them a complex about their weight. He has even commented that he is 'fat.' Is that even normal for a boy? Especially one who is very lean like him? I have never called him fat or chubby, but I do worry that he may become that way. I really think that when I stop him from eating too much, he takes it as my way of calling him fat. But, what am I supposed to do when he clearly binges?

rml_16

My daughter's much the same. Her doctor actually lectured her about it. It took some time, but she finally made a choice to start eating better on her own and started losing. She still has some to lose, but I don't harp on it.

There is NO junk in our house. I don't buy it. No one NEEDS to eat it. She has treats here and there, but we don't have ice cream in the freezer or cookies or anything anywhere. It's as much for me as anything (I can't control myself!). But if the choice isn't there, they can't choose it.

Friends of hers joined the swim team and by peer pressure, she works out with them every day and rides horses (it's important to find something she'll really enjoy and want to do on her own). She would be on the team, but by the time she brought it up, it was too late to officially join. Either way, she swims two hours, four days a week, rides an hour one day a week, takes walks to the library or store if she wants something and she started accompanying me for some of my exercise as well.

I suggest stressing health and not appearance and educating her on nutrition.

mmtiernan

My daughter is 15. She is not overweight, but it's still a challenge to get a teenager to eat right and exercise. What has worked for me is bringing her in to the meal planning process. We talk about proper nutrition and why the ingredients in certain foods are bad for you, so she understands the "why" to help make better choices. I have her help by reading labels (it's a helpful ploy to 'forget' your 'reading glasses', then when we are in the grocery store, I ask for her help by reading the ingredient list to me and the nutritional content - sounds sneaky, but it helps to open up the dialogue). She is now pretty expert at reading labels and recipes to determine which ones are healthier and most importantly, WHY they are healthier. This helps to teach her life skills that she can use once she leaves home on her own. She helps me make out the weekly menus, helps to pack her own healthy lunch and helps me prepare meals at dinner time to learn how to cook healthy meals on her own. We never make more than one serving per person. It's slow going, and yes, the 'attitude' shows at times, but she's turning the corner on that and things do improve over time.

With regard to exercise, I just kept trying until I found something that she likes to do - dance. I got her the HipHop Abs DVD and she worked out to that over most of the summer. I use ChaLEAN Extreme and after several months, she began to see my results, she decided to join me this round so now we workout together.

It all takes time. The important thing is not to make her feel like you think something is wrong with her that needs to be fixed. It seemed to work much better for me from an inclusive standpoint - that I needed her help and wanted to include her in meal planning, finding healthy recipes and making things together for the family, so she can learn to do it on her own.

Hope this helps you - and good luck!

sallyLunn

I've never kept fun/sugary/salty snacks in the house but I've never forbidden them. I've told my kids that they can eat all the candy they want, but I'm not paying for it and they can either ride their bikes or walk to get it.

Dencrossgirl

I know exactly how you feel I have the same problem, and FINALLY I think I have really made progress with her. My youngest daughter is sixteen and very strong willed. I have been working for years to get her to move, new bike, rollerblades, exercise equipment, promises of expensive bathing suits or new jeans. I have tried crying, begging, (I am not proud of this) yelling at her. I am convinced if there was a fire in the house she wouldn't move. She is terribly strong willed and stubborn. She asked this summer if she could join Jenny Craig, I tossed the idea around for a couple of weeks. I figured only my wallet would get thinner and after all if she wanted to diet I could help her. Something told me to give in and I took her, she has been going for 5 or 6 weeks now and she has lost 18 pounds. She works out daily on the treadmill, she walks not that fast but she walks at a 10% incline so she is getting a pretty good workout. We only signed up with Jenny Craig for the 20 lbs or 10 week promotional thing and I figure by this coming this Friday she will be done. She has agreed not to sign up for more and we are going to work together. She still doesn't move unless she absolutely has to but she is extremely heavy and as she thins out I suspect this will improve. I am overweight myself, but I think it is more painful to have an overweight child. I'm going to add you as a friend and maybe we can support each other and give each other ideas. (My daughter would hit the roof if she saw this post.)

kennedar

I was your daughter. My mom changed her eating habits and joined a gym when I was 16ish. I was relatively healthy until I went to university (I lived at home for all 4 years) and quit playing sports so I could hang out with my boyfriend. I remember the fights with my mom over food and I still get the "look" when I make a bad food choice around her. It really hurt our relationship and damaged my self-esteem, which led to more eating.

You do need to encourage her to eat healthy but please do not make it about her weight. Daughters need the support of their moms and need to know that their moms love them no matter what. I agree with getting rid of the junk food and doing active family activities. She will probably use her own money to buy junk food, but there is not much you can do about it. I would quietly throw away all the junk, without mentioning anything to her about it. If she asks for junk, just do not buy it. Don't say its because of her, blame it on your own lifestyle change ("I can't have fudgseicles around or else I will eat them").

At the end of the day, make sure that she knows that you love her regardless of her size. She knows she is overweight and will change when she is ready.

tater8589

Hmm... for a teen girl, you might try "Hey, lets go shopping" and walk around the mall for a couple hours at least. Just getting her out of the house and moving would be good.

For teens (guy/girl) (this is pricey) an option it they like video games is Wii and any interactive game (not perfect idea, but can help motivate) If your family is up for it, maybe a pet that requires physical activity (walking a dog) and make it the teens responsibility.

I hope some of my ideas help. Good luck.

healthydoseofglitter

I would maybe try some sort of fun exercise with her. Maybe a zumba class or hip hop dance class. Teens dont always want to hang out with there moms (darn hormones) so maybe her and a friend can go to a class.

I was always and overweight teen ... I am now 24 and still struggling. I always wished my parents would have said something to me. I grew up in a big italian family so we ate lots of bad stuff. Perhaps cutting out bad items in the house will help her. Not sure if she is a soda drinker but maybe try cutting that back. Honestly I would be honest with her and tell her you are concerned or maybe speak to her doctor and have them mention something to her.

Hope that helps.

knittygirl52

I was an overweight kid, and my parents tried to help me, but the bottom line is, nobody can do this for her. In fact, all the work that my parents did to try to help completely backfired and made me obsessive about food and caused me to have a very poor body image that I struggle with to this day. Kids can read you, so even though you are doing the right things to limit bad foods and to encourage exercise, she sees it as aimed at her.

Keeping in mind that she is old enough to get out and eat junk food on her own, I would agree with those who suggest that you eliminate in your house on a daily basis. None of you really NEED it. She will do whatever she chooses to do, but you will at least set the right precedent.

My daughter was not overweight as a teen, but she has gained a lot of weight since she married, and she was initially upset over the fact that I now weigh less than her and wear a smaller size than she does. She also told me she was going to be really upset if I got smaller than her. I have made her my accountability partner. I tell her whenever I have a bad day, the results of my weigh-ins, if I blow off a workout. It hasn't made her lose weight so far, but I can see she is beginning to think about the ramifications of what she eats and is beginning to limit some of her worst items. She now tells me she is proud of me, and that she hopes she can get rid of her weight while she is still young.

lisajohnny

I have two teenage daughters. Casey is 19 and is very tall and thin. Corey is 16 and is short and volumptous. Corey takes after me. HA! Corey has always been conscious about her weight. So very early on I got the girls involved with making healthy choices. Casey would make dinner on a given night and Corey would be responsible for dinner another night. They had to get their ingredients when we went shopping for groceries. It had to be healthy for the whole family. This really helped them understand the nutritional value of the foods they eat.

Even today, they will look at the calorie intake of foods and they are really good at making the healthiest choice. Corey weighs about 116 and is 5'2" and Casey weighs about 125 and is 5' 8". Both girls are very involved in sports. Corey plays soccer and Casey is a Zumba instructor.

I think just getting your daughter more involved with preparing meals, going for walks, and just talking about whats going on in her life will help. You may want to ask her to help YOU start eating better and exercising more. Recently, I got a bad report from my doctor and I told my daughters about it and they were GUNG HO about me making better decisions. That is the reason I joined MFP.

I wish you and your daughter lots of luck!

Sauchie

I have the same issue with my 12 year old daughter. But a very different situation. My daughter has health issues and was always under weight. So they put her on pediasure because of her condition... Well now we find that this made her gain to much weight. She went from being one step ahead of a feeding tube to "obese" She is 4'4 and 99 pounds.... Shes also got lung issues so she knows I worry about her weight. But, I'm fat my parents are fat.... So about a month ago.. I made the decision to get fit and healthy. And to bring out the me i am inside.... I was fat all my life... When I was your daughters age, I was teased even pantsed by a neighbor in gym class my freshman year.

So I saw this ad on tv for the golds gym dance workout for the wii. I have been doing it for over 3 weeks.... Yesterday, I challenged my daughter to a dance off after my workout.... After she can back from a picnic with my mom she did the workout by herself in her room.... It's a game but a workout... It even lets you choose a personal trainer, So she picked hottie lamatie with the swimmers body as she calls him.....

My cousins are very skin their moms use to make their plates and thats all they got.. You could go that route. Its a healthy portion, but like you my mom let us eat whatever and we are both over weight.... by the time I was a senior I was almost 200 lbs at 4'10....
Even give her rewards if she gets on it with you.... a new outfit a mani/pedi... Make it fun and a challenge a family weigh in day... Winner picks their fav meal & you make it healthy :-) everything in moderation.. I even eat Chinese but sparingly . Best of luck

maurierose

We have a 15 year old daughter, who is about the same height - maybe it would help to keep some of the healthy things she likes around? Ours loves grapes, spaghetti squash, avocados, yoplait light "fancy flavor" yogurts, etc.... sometimes they're a little more expensive than apples/carrot sticks, but they're better than chips and cookies, and they're something she really enjoys and appreciates!!!

I also have a stationary bike, and offered to share it - I love the times she hops on it and we sit and talk while she rides for a while... she has a captive audience to talk about "stuff" and I have her all to myself for a little bit..... we're really enjoying that!

Dishing up plates at dinner is a great suggestion from posters above - we do that in our home too, serve the plates, put the leftovers away.... if anyone is still hungry, they can grab a piece of fruit/veggies..... works wonders.

:flowerforyou:

EDIT: Had another idea.... if she's the least bit interested in calories/nutrition, you can email your district office.... ours was happy to provide the nutrition info for high school lunch options. As our teenage son needs TWICE the daily calories that our daughter needs, it was really helpful to know the "higher" and "lower" options..... all prompted by a health class discussion. Watch for an opening, and make it "interesting" instead of judgemental or pressuring! ) Good luck to you!!!

bennettv

We've had drastic changes in our diet in the last 4-years due to food allergies and gluten intollerance. We've used it as a way to eat clean. So, we removed everything from our house that wasn't in line with clean eating. The kids are required to ask before getting themselves food - they're 4 and 7-years old. If they're hungry between meals fruit or nuts are thier options, period! The "junk food" we do have (sweet potato chips, tarow chips, etc...) are consumed as part of a meal and put on thier plate as a portion. They can't get seconds until their entire plate is empty the first time around. They don't get a bed time snack unless they eat their dinner. They have the right not to like dinner and choose not to eat it, but that means they have to pick something out of the fridge that doesn't require grown-up assistance (PBJ, leftovers, fruit). We removed juice as an option for a beverage several years ago. Our older son at the time wouldn't drink water. It took a long time (and a lot of milk) for him to try water. Now he loves it.

Writing this it seems like we have a lot of rules and it's strict. Change takes time. These rules have evolved over time with our family. I think the kids would be surprised that there are so many rules about eating in our house -- to them, it's just the way our family does things. My husband and I have made intentional efforts to improve our habits to set an example. My 7-year old is going to be running a 1-mile fun run with me in a few weeks. This again didn't happen over night. He has vision issues and HATES sports. He's seen me running since February and got curious.

I would recommend not forcing anything, but limit the environment to a healthy one and provide ample examples of desirable behavior yourself. You aren't working to change your childs diet you're working to change your family culture. Changing a culture is very difficulty and takes time.

Mamakatspokane

I was your daughter. My mom changed her eating habits and joined a gym when I was 16ish. I was relatively healthy until I went to university (I lived at home for all 4 years) and quit playing sports so I could hang out with my boyfriend. I remember the fights with my mom over food and I still get the "look" when I make a bad food choice around her. It really hurt our relationship and damaged my self-esteem, which led to more eating.

You do need to encourage her to eat healthy but please do not make it about her weight. Daughters need the support of their moms and need to know that their moms love them no matter what. I agree with getting rid of the junk food and doing active family activities. She will probably use her own money to buy junk food, but there is not much you can do about it. I would quietly throw away all the junk, without mentioning anything to her about it. If she asks for junk, just do not buy it. Don't say its because of her, blame it on your own lifestyle change ("I can't have fudgseicles around or else I will eat them").

At the end of the day, make sure that she knows that you love her regardless of her size. She knows she is overweight and will change when she is ready.

Well said!
The only thing I would add is maybe tell her for her health (not weight) that you want her to do one activity...dance, gym, tennis, badmitton..whatever and that her brother will also being doing one..the family is trying to get healthy (not skinny) so everyone is going to do an activity...

Loisandrev

I have a daughter that will be 13yo in October. She is 5'6" and weighs 173. She swims on a year round swim team and swims approx. 1-3 hrs a day 5-6 days a week. She has very solid muscle mass so it's hard for me to say how overweight she is. I would guess approx. 20-30 lbs. This is how I have been approaching her weight. I have been teaching her healthy food choices. We talk often about serving size. I am amazed at the amount of things that are packaged as a serving and are actually 2-3 servings. I have told her she can eat whatever as long as it is a serving and she makes mostly healthy choices. Strangely she is picking salads and fruit etc. I told her she can have things that are junk but only if she sticks to the serving size and allows herself treats only a few times a week, not daily. So far she's ok with the changes as long as I allow her to make choices. i don't buy junk like ice cream, cookies.. I tell her i am not buying them because I am making a lifestyle change to eat healthier.. I tell her we are eating healthy as a family. I think it helps to allow them to still have choices. We are making it a lifestyle change and not a DIET. I am cooking healthier and being an active example for her. I PRAY it works.

kennedar

I was your daughter. My mom changed her eating habits and joined a gym when I was 16ish. I was relatively healthy until I went to university (I lived at home for all 4 years) and quit playing sports so I could hang out with my boyfriend. I remember the fights with my mom over food and I still get the "look" when I make a bad food choice around her. It really hurt our relationship and damaged my self-esteem, which led to more eating.

You do need to encourage her to eat healthy but please do not make it about her weight. Daughters need the support of their moms and need to know that their moms love them no matter what. I agree with getting rid of the junk food and doing active family activities. She will probably use her own money to buy junk food, but there is not much you can do about it. I would quietly throw away all the junk, without mentioning anything to her about it. If she asks for junk, just do not buy it. Don't say its because of her, blame it on your own lifestyle change ("I can't have fudgseicles around or else I will eat them").

At the end of the day, make sure that she knows that you love her regardless of her size. She knows she is overweight and will change when she is ready.

Well said!
The only thing I would add is maybe tell her for her health (not weight) that you want her to do one activity...dance, gym, tennis, badmitton..whatever and that her brother will also being doing one..the family is trying to get healthy (not skinny) so everyone is going to do an activity...

That would have worked really well with me. When we were teenagers, we were required to do one sport a season. They did not care which sport it was, but it had to be somethiing active and we could not quit until the end of the season (except for when I was kicked out of ballet at 3 years old!). If you make it a house-hold rule, it could work really well I think. The other thing is, are there any clubs/groups at school that she would be interested in? I did technical theatre and there was a lot of exercise from climbing ladders and producing sets. If she is 14, she should be about to go to high school correct? I would push her to find an activity there that she enjoys. Usually they are free, or close to it, and involve some sort of physical activity. Even the band has to learn to march in rythem!

hartlife48

All I ask is please be sensitive. Girls this age are very sensitive and vulnerable, and one wrong comment can send the poor girl in emotional turmoil. My sister's gym teacher made a comment in front of the class that it would be a good idea for her to lose weight, and as a result she suffered from bulemia for 5 plus years. There is definitely a right and a wrong approach to this issue, and I am confident with the help of your MFP friends you will make the right choice Good luck!