Recovering from Anorexia...

josiebearly11209

Hello Everyone, my name is Josie and I am a recovering Eating Disorder Patient. After 30 pounds in 22 days by just "stopping Eating" all together. I ate two meals in the course of those 22 days and I was finally hospitalized after my doctor couldn't even take my blood pressure it was too low and my heart was jumping from 45 to 180 when just rising to my feed because my heart was fighting so hard to compensate for the lackage of food.

I have gained all the weight I lost back some during my month long hospital stay where I was re-fed and on strict bed rest and part once I arrived back at home through a high calorie diet.

Now I am back to my starting weight of 157 pounds at 5'9 1/3 inches tall and am going to therapy and working around horses again which is not just therapeutic to me but also my passion and love and I am working hard to not relapse or slip back into old ways. It is really hard however because I see all the size XXS and XS clothes I own and won't even look at them, it is too hard because I know I don't wear a size XXS or XS now. I am now up to a size S-M in clothing and it breaks my heart knowing I did once fit those clothes. I hate thinking of how skinny I was at 127 pounds compared to now and I am scared to even think of what some people must think of all this weight gain.

I keep trying to remind myself "Think of where you came from, your body was shutting down, you were weak, blacking out and sick, it took them over an hour to find a vein to put your Intravenous (IV) into because you were so dehydrated and emaciated, they rushed you in an ambulance over 45 minutes away because of just how serious of a state you were in. Go EASY on yourself, you're recovering.." but it is SO hard! I want to scream when I see my current body. I have gained weight in such weird of places, my legs look so big and swollen and I still get painfully bloated after I am done eating for the day and look pregnant...My boobs are freaking huge now (Sorry TMI) and I can't even fit them in size S shirts without them trying to freaking spill out!

Everyone keeps saying how lovely I look, how "Healthy" I look and how beautiful I am. Trying to make me feel better about the weight gain but I find it hard to feel beautiful at my current weight, but than again I didn't feel beautiful at 127 pounds either so clearly it is more of a mental/emotional issue than a physical one.

I currently exercise pretty much daily....Today I went for an hour walk with my dog walked a couple KM, and am going to hoop with my water weighted hula hoop for 30-60 minutes later (Depending on my energy level but hooping is a nice and fun exercise to me). Yesterday I rode my stationary bike for 30 minutes and did 35 minutes of hooping. I am currently struggling with binge eating so I am eating my calories all in a very tight calorie window so it feels almost as though I am actually binging though in reality I am just eating all my food from 11-pm. I am eating anywhere from 1,200-2.000 per day, so vast...I know but someday's I overeat and someday's I under eat. I believe it is because I was eating or drinking "Ensure" drinks (Vitamin drinks, like Boost) 7 times a day so about 4,000 calories so I was finding it hard to adjust to now being told to eat much less.

I would like to get down to 150 but I know right now that is not my main priority. Staying healthy both physically and mentally is. I am trying to learn to take time for "Me" and to work out and exercise to be healthy and happy not to lose weight or get skinny. Just finding it difficult I suppose.

I just wanted to introduce myself so if you see my around you'll know I am new and just "Bumping" along like y'all and trying to find my way along in this great new community

nomeejerome

Recovery should be your main focus right now, instead of trying to lose weight. I suggest staying off of MFP and continue in your therapy. Your life depends on it.

SJ46

Hi Josie,
Do you have a therapist you are still working with that supports you tracking your calorie intake here? It sounds like you've been through a lot, wishing you a healthy outlook on life.

_chiaroscuro

I don't want to make you feel unwelcome at all, and I think you should be very proud of what you've done to change your course and regain your physical and emotional health. That being said though, you might want to discuss with your therapist if MFP and it's calorie counting might undo your progress. There are people in recovery here for sure, but some find the calorie counting triggering.