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How Much has Trauma affected your weight?
CharleePear
Posts: 1,948 Member
This is a full disclosure discussion. RULES! No disrespect, no blaming, no judging.
My story is that from about 10 my Mum would tell me how I had too much fat, or too chubby for this and that, that what I ate was inapproprate, wrong or making me fat and general comments on how undesirable or beautiful I was because of my eating. Truth is I was pretty, I was thin and I was a normal looking kid.
This is not for attention, not for a pity party, not for sympathy, I genuinally believe transparency and honesty brings freedom in every area of your life.
So that being said here is a small part of my story.
I was born with a Brain disorder called Hydrocephalus. In layman's terms it means I have too much fluid in my brain and it causes pressure and trauma to the brain. I was operated on at 4 months old placing what is called a shunt in my brain draining the fluid. I spent a lot of my childhood in hospital and because of how sick I was, people brought me a lot of 'treats' when I could eat. I went from being severly underweight to normal weight all the time, but that was out of my hands.
I was sexually abused from when I was an infant right through my childhood
I was raped also
Every couple of years, almost like clockwork I have been raped or sexually assaulted. The most recent being 2 weeks ago.
Why am I disclosing all this? Because, when you have gone through a lot of trauma, horrible things that are mostly out of your control, you end up having a strange view on yourself and on your body image. I find myself swinging from hardly able to eat to, can't stop eating and my body has suffered for it.
In my country it is very difficult to get counselling without a good paycheck so I turn to myself and friends.
In my journey of trying to better my body, I have learned there are many ideas and ideals, and in the end you have to feel what's right for you, but when you have had so much trauma, it's hard to trust your own feelings.
I have a network of 'help' that stand along side me and help me, this is not a post to say I need help, this is a post to say to those people who have gone through the mill...
CUT YOURSELF A BREAK! Weightloss or gain is not the be all and end all and you are far more precious than all that.
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! Don't put your value in the scale or in your food or in what others say about you.
FOOD IS A SOURCE! It's a fuel, it's neither evil nor is it a friend.
Last but not least YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL RIGHT NOW AS YOU ARE.
Anyway. If there are others out there willing to be open about what they have been through, join in. How is your body coping? Where are you at now?
My story is that from about 10 my Mum would tell me how I had too much fat, or too chubby for this and that, that what I ate was inapproprate, wrong or making me fat and general comments on how undesirable or beautiful I was because of my eating. Truth is I was pretty, I was thin and I was a normal looking kid.
This is not for attention, not for a pity party, not for sympathy, I genuinally believe transparency and honesty brings freedom in every area of your life.
So that being said here is a small part of my story.
I was born with a Brain disorder called Hydrocephalus. In layman's terms it means I have too much fluid in my brain and it causes pressure and trauma to the brain. I was operated on at 4 months old placing what is called a shunt in my brain draining the fluid. I spent a lot of my childhood in hospital and because of how sick I was, people brought me a lot of 'treats' when I could eat. I went from being severly underweight to normal weight all the time, but that was out of my hands.
I was sexually abused from when I was an infant right through my childhood
I was raped also
Every couple of years, almost like clockwork I have been raped or sexually assaulted. The most recent being 2 weeks ago.
Why am I disclosing all this? Because, when you have gone through a lot of trauma, horrible things that are mostly out of your control, you end up having a strange view on yourself and on your body image. I find myself swinging from hardly able to eat to, can't stop eating and my body has suffered for it.
In my country it is very difficult to get counselling without a good paycheck so I turn to myself and friends.
In my journey of trying to better my body, I have learned there are many ideas and ideals, and in the end you have to feel what's right for you, but when you have had so much trauma, it's hard to trust your own feelings.
I have a network of 'help' that stand along side me and help me, this is not a post to say I need help, this is a post to say to those people who have gone through the mill...
CUT YOURSELF A BREAK! Weightloss or gain is not the be all and end all and you are far more precious than all that.
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! Don't put your value in the scale or in your food or in what others say about you.
FOOD IS A SOURCE! It's a fuel, it's neither evil nor is it a friend.
Last but not least YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL RIGHT NOW AS YOU ARE.
Anyway. If there are others out there willing to be open about what they have been through, join in. How is your body coping? Where are you at now?
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Replies
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Wow... I think you're strong to be able to face this upfront and honestly. I too believe that being honest is best for yourself. Others may lie or deceive you, but you should always be able to trust yourself.
For disclosure...most of my weight problems started as a teenager. My 13 year old brother snooped through some of my dad's things and found letters and cards he'd received from a female co-worker that apparently he'd been having an affair with for a while. He came to me (I was 15) and my older sis (24) in tears, evidence in hand. My sis and I didn't know what to do with it, so we kept it to ourselves for about 3 weeks. My sis finally sat my mom down and showed her the evidence...I wish to God she'd never done so. The next 10 years were...difficult to say the least. It's hard to put it into detail even now, and I'm almost 37.0 -
Wow... I think you're strong to be able to face this upfront and honestly. I too believe that being honest is best for yourself. Others may lie or deceive you, but you should always be able to trust yourself.
Thank you. Strength is in the honesty I believe. When you truly are honest you realise how little the lies are that you were believing to do with all the crap if that makes sense. It's a way of shedding light on everything.0 -
Most definitely. Even when you build a years-long relationship with someone, there's always that chance, however minute, that the trust could be broken. I truly wish you the best, I can't begin to imagine the fear and pain you've been through. I can only send my hopes that things are better in the future.0
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For the record you are strong too sweetheart! I don't believe one person's heartache is worse or better than another's.0
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You, my beautiful friend, are such an amazing person. It takes such strength and courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable like this. :flowerforyou:
I think my story might read like many others, so here's the Cliff's Notes version. Verbal and emotional abuse from my father starting when I was about 10 years old. I had always been an overweight child and he more often than not let me know how fat I was, how ugly I was, how worthless I was. Weight issues continued into junior high and high school where I was bullied and made fun of on a regular basis. Sometimes by "friends", sometimes by complete strangers. I started drinking and taking any attention from any guy that would give it to me. I ended up in a relationship with a guy who was very much like my dad. It was an abusive relationship, in all aspects. We got engaged, I got pregnant and when my daughter was 2 months old I left him. Thank God we never actually got married. It took me until 2.5 years ago to finally truly understand that I was worth more than I was accepting and that it was time to take my life back. I did and I haven't looked back
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You, my beautiful friend, are such an amazing person. It takes such strength and courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable like this. :flowerforyou:
I think my story might read like many others, so here's the Cliff's Notes version. Verbal and emotional abuse from my father starting when I was about 10 years old. I had always been an overweight child and he more often than not let me know how fat I was, how ugly I was, how worthless I was. Weight issues continued into junior high and high school where I was bullied and made fun of on a regular basis. Sometimes by "friends", sometimes by complete strangers. I started drinking and taking any attention from any guy that would give it to me. I ended up in a relationship with a guy who was very much like my dad. It was an abusive relationship, in all aspects. We got engaged, I got pregnant and when my daughter was 2 months old I left him. Thank God we never actually got married. It took me until 2.5 years ago to finally truly understand that I was worth more than I was accepting and that it was time to take my life back. I did and I haven't looked back
Thank you for being my friend. I almost cried reading this. I know what it's like, my Mum was the same and I married someone like my mum, controlling and abusive.
You are so beautiful, and I feel a special bond with you, I don't come on here as often as some but when I do your posts and your comments are such a breath of fresh air for me. Keep chugging along, you are are right, you are worthy, you are powerful and you are beautiful enough to get a love that is whole, true and healthy. x:flowerforyou: 0 -
I've never used the word trauma for me when I found what it meant. Just that xxxx happens, though we don't like it.
For me it started at age 9...being molested. Due to being tiny, I was the fun guy for the bullies, which started in elementary thru part of high school. The last being at age 22, raped by a good friend, some would debate that. Wierd part, we still remained fiends after, agreeing guys are not for me.
Affected my weight? Not at all. As for what people might say about me? Words are cheap, whether true of not, it's just never bothered me.0 -
Always been an outcast, I suppose it was because I've always been the awkward black girl in an inner city school. Got picked on and teased, never had many friends because I wasn't cool enough. Was verbally abused, physically abused, raped twice in my life, beaten, neglected...thus I looked for love from men, most any man who would give me attention. I would also over eat, and eat when I was down and depressed, which was often. I'm still learning to cop with my feelings of abandonment and loneliness using more positive coping mechanisms such as working out instead of eating when upset/depressed. It has been a long road, but I'm still going. I won't let my past put me n an early grave. I'm more than a conqueror, we all are.0
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I've never used the word trauma for me when I found what it meant. Just that xxxx happens, though we don't like it.
For me it started at age 9...being molested. Due to being tiny, I was the fun guy for the bullies, which started in elementary thru part of high school. The last being at age 22, raped by a good friend, some would debate that. Wierd part, we still remained fiends after, agreeing guys are not for me.
Affected my weight? Not at all. As for what people might say about me? Words are cheap, whether true of not, it's just never bothered me.
That's so good to hear your honesty, thanks for sharing. I am glad it has affected your weight.0 -
Always been an outcast, I suppose it was because I've always been the awkward black girl in an inner city school. Got picked on and teased, never had many friends because I wasn't cool enough. Was verbally abused, physically abused, raped twice in my life, beaten, neglected...thus I looked for love from men, most any man who would give me attention. I would also over eat, and eat when I was down and depressed, which was often. I'm still learning to cop with my feelings of abandonment and loneliness using more positive coping mechanisms such as working out instead of eating when upset/depressed. It has been a long road, but I'm still going. I won't let my past put me n an early grave. I'm more than a conqueror, we all are.
Yes that is so true, more than a conqueror! It IS a long road, but its the journey that makes us who we are not the past ay?! You are beautiful sweetheart. Thanks for sharing. I know you got this x:flowerforyou:0 -
I was always big for my age but that slowly turned to fat and aside from some teasing it wasn't bad until 7th grade in the highschool that's when it got bad. I think it made my eating habits even worse, i know it's a big reason i have social anxiety issues and depression on top of bipolar thanks to bad dna.0
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I was always big for my age but that slowly turned to fat and aside from some teasing it wasn't bad until 7th grade in the highschool that's when it got bad. I think it made my eating habits even worse, i know it's a big reason i have social anxiety issues and depression on top of bipolar thanks to bad dna.
I am sorry about the bullies. You are stronger than you might think. I know you can conquer your fears and face your lies. You are worthy of change, you are worthy of loving yourself.0 -
I lost a sister in May 2011 and then 2 of my nieces passed away in a car wreck in June 2011. I had a stage where I was too sick to eat and then I guess I just started eating whatever I wanted. I've always been bigger, but I feel like I packed on the pounds after those two events.0
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I've never used the word trauma for me when I found what it meant. Just that xxxx happens, though we don't like it.
For me it started at age 9...being molested. Due to being tiny, I was the fun guy for the bullies, which started in elementary thru part of high school. The last being at age 22, raped by a good friend, some would debate that. Wierd part, we still remained fiends after, agreeing guys are not for me.
Affected my weight? Not at all. As for what people might say about me? Words are cheap, whether true of not, it's just never bothered me.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Any kind of rape is horrible...Im so sorry, people are cruel.0 -
I lost a sister in May 2011 and then 2 of my nieces passed away in a car wreck in June 2011. I had a stage where I was too sick to eat and then I guess I just started eating whatever I wanted. I've always been bigger, but I feel like I packed on the pounds after those two events.
That is so much loss in such a short amount of time! You are strong my dear. Keep moving, you will get that weight off! Your heart will get stronger. x0 -
This topic is very dear to my heart. Due to workplace issues and my perpetual habit of being employed by abusive people, I started doing research as to what kind of changes I could make to ensure happy full time employment with an agency where things weren't thrown at me and where I wouldn't be publicly shamed constantly in the midst of giving stellar, heart-felt service. Well, what I found explained parts of why it was so difficult for me to move past those kinds of situations but it also illuminated parts of my addiction, especially with food, longtime smoking, negative thinking patterns, being sedentary, promiscuity as a teen, and honestly coming just short of giving up on life completely.
The actual thing I found was The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (http://acestudy.org/, http://www.cdc.gov/ace/findings.htm), and it came about when successful dieters in a weight loss clinic were losing scads of weight, and then totally dropping out. Trying to do his due diligence, the researcher accidentally asked a patient her weight when she was first sexually active and her answer was "40 pounds". She had been sexually abused by her father. More and more he asked these kinds of uncomfortable questions and more and more he found that obese patients had a way higher likelihood of this type of event happening in their early lives. They came up with nine other common experiences making an easy to score inventory. My score is 8, though to be honest my experiences are pretty mild compared to folks like the original patient mentioned.
This kind of research paired with my own experience in a very dysfunctional household may not completely absolve me of my own adult decisions, but it really gets to the meat of how some of us begin to make choices about our lives in our first turns of even beginning to learn how to live them!!! I am trying earnestly to feel like I am more than just a number that defines how broken I am. I am also a mental health service provider, so trauma-informed care is more than "this is what would have helped me" but a way to fuse those past experiences with hope for others suffering similar circumstances. I understand that trauma doesn't always fit the nice ACE parameters or time tables, but it was a good starting place for my discovery.
If anyone wants more support on this level or just needs a new friend please add.
Good luck and warmth to you all, and thanks CharleePear for starting this topic.0 -
@velvet Thank you so much for your imput, I did a Psych degree so I totally get the link. I would have loved to have carried on to do my masters as I would have done a thesis on something like this, it fascinates me. More than that though, it's real, and this realness can be a powerful thing.
You have such a beautiful heart! I know you will step out of your patterns, cos you can see your strength and determination in the words you chose to use. Keep it up sweetheart.
Thanks for being there to be a support too. Something I have learned with my life that you can never have too much support and you will always need it, not because you are weak but because you are human.0 -
For the people who are replying with sympathy(im so sorry this has happened ) ... do not do it No one dealing with trauma wants you to feel sorry for them and it can actually be quite demeaning and add to the guilt.
Moving on .. I suffer from complex ptsd (basically meaning ongoing childhood trauma ) I barely remember my childhood
Which does make things difficult .. (I am not open to sharing my story publicly however if you want to talk more feel free to messageme )
I have ALWAYS had food issues weighing 280 lbs when I was 14 ..
And skyrocketing up to 485 lbs by the time I was 24.
I suffer from crazy debilitating anxiety (im an extrovert which makes my life very lonely and very boring.
I was doing much better my trauma work was helping I was back in school going to the gym (even though I still didnt socialize much and avoided group work like the plague) I than went through a very bad break up which acted as a trigger (essentially it acted like a little tear In my sheltered brain allowing a flood of memories) my anxiety got much worse so did the nightmares I had to take a breal from school and stop going to the gym (knowing other people where watching me wprk out sent me straight into panic)
My anxiety also makes me sick frequently which means I throw up AlOT so I have to stick to light meals especially in steessful times I have also learned ways to make the crappy comfort food healthier which has helped
I was down to 210 lbs but after going on bc pills I shot back up 30 lbs (back down 10 though)
My dog gets me out and walking and also social its easier to talk to people when im with my dog.
Im not sure where you are located im in canada where services and therapy are free.
So I have someone I wprk with which would be beneficial if you are ready (therapy only works if you are in a place to do it )
Do you draw ? Art helps it is extremely good for distraction and entertainment and stress
also puzzles ... if you cant draw thats.ok grab some pastels and scribble away
Sorry for not being open I am just not comfortable with leaving my baggage wide open on the Internet
kudos to you for doing it !
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