Feeling really unmotivated

auteurfille22

I know this is long. I wrote it just now and I am feeling super dejected. To anyone who just reads this, thank you for taking the time. I really don't know what to do anymore.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to stay motivated for more than a week at a time? If even that! I eat right and exercise consistently for six days, and then I take a day off. Next thing you know, another week has gone by and I’ve fallen right back into my old habits. I don’t know how to push myself to stay with it. Half the time I just look at my body and I hate it and myself so much. All that flab. My monstrous thighs. My spillover stomach that drops like a bowling ball whenever I bend over. How disgusting. I’m disgusting. I feel disgusting looking how I look.

But yet I’m so drawn in by food. It’s laughable how much it controls me. I spent ALL of orchestra rehearsal tonight deciding what I would eat once I got home. I had a plan that would allow me to fit in my allotted calories. I was going to stick to it. I walked into the kitchen, saw mozzarella cheese someone left on the cutting board, proceeded to cut a slice, microwave it, and eat the melted cheese. I did this four times. FOUR. So much for my plan. Then I went out to get my leftover pizza slices. I planned on having one. I had two. And then, I had a Greek Yogurt and some hot chocolate. I swear to god, how am I ever going to accomplish anything in life if I can’t do something as simple as deny food.

All I want is to be skinny. That sounds bad, I know. I should want to be healthy and fit and strong. But truth is I don’t give a hoot about any of those things. I just want to be thin. I want my boobs to go out farther than my stomach and for my thighs to not look like tree trunks when I sit down. But I’m never going to get to that because I’m a worthless pig who can’t stop eating! Last June, I weighed 142 pounds. I was so proud. Since February of that year, 2013, I had lost 17 pounds. Guess what I weighed this morning? 143.5. HOW CAN I BE SUCH A FAILURE? I feel like sitting here and crying, and then getting a container of the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and sobbing with it in the bathtub.

And then I’m so conflicted, because I see all these messages that tell me I need to love myself no matter my weight, that I am beautiful just the way I am and that my weight doesn’t define me. And I’m in my healthy weight range for my height, 5’5”. So really, why am I doing this? Is it to subscribe to some standard of beauty set by modern media? In truth, yes, probably. It’s not like I have any other incentive. So is that grounds to stop trying? It’s not like my efforts are getting me anywhere anyways. I don’t know why I even put in the effort because in the end I screw up and end up right back where I started.

stormbornkraken

It sounds like this is a particularly rough night. But tomorrow you get another chance. A good rest to reset your mind.
One concern (and if I over step let me know) much of it sounds as if it is driven by pure emotion. Are you experiencing any hormonal fluctuations or have you ever spoken to a mental health professional?
I can empathize with everything you have said. I am there often but I am concerned about your break down.

Societal standards for women are strong factors and they can be considered unrealistic. Yes, you should love your "in progress" body. But it is okay to want to be beautiful, sexy and slender. But be gentle on yourself because life is a long path and there will be fluctuations. Losing is one game, maintaining is another.
The great news is you have done it once, you can do it again!!

I hope tomorrow you can feel fresh and rejuvenated in your journey.
Also, perhaps keep a journal to watch what may occur in the days or weeks proceeding a binge.

Again, everything you said could have come from me. ( particularly the Mac n cheese part lol)
I am here figuring it out every day. A great thing was that you are honest and venting. This is a good
Community for that.
Cheers!

LKArgh

Because of your age, I suggest you find someone to talk to IRL. If you do not think your parents or some other older relative can help, then try counselling. This sounds like a self esteem issue and a body image issue. Most girls, me included, have been there are at some point, but you seem to be particulaly harsh to yourself. Losing 5 or 25 pounds will probably not be the magic trick that will make you love yourself more. Please find some support in person, and my advice is to stay away from the internet for a while, you sound vulnerable, and chances are you will get a lot of bad advice along with the good one, and end up even more stressed.