I'm not a quitter, but this is exhausting.

Elafacwen

I am 15lbs away from my goal, and I have come to the point where I am simply too exhausted to carry on.

I am about to graduate college, and I have reached the point where I can no longer carry on the stress of maintaining a job I hate, classes I dislike, homework I simply don't want to do, seeking and applying for jobs in a field of study I no longer enjoy, and the pressing weight that the life I have been comfortable with for the past five years is all about to change in a big way (and I am simply not ready.) The sheer amount of uncertainty surrounding my future is crushing, and it has made me lose sight of my personal health and fitness goals.

On top of all that, I am dealing with my own personal demons, and learning to deal with social situations and the fact that people suddenly like you more when you are thinner. My life suddenly has been filled with toxic, jealous, judgmental, and passive aggressive individuals. I have lost friends.

I never learned how to deal with 99% of the social situations I have been thrown with in the past year, and instead of becoming the thinner and happier person I had envisioned, I am now a thinner and more angry and depressed version of the 270 lb me.

The voice in my head that keeps telling me how happy food makes me is able to suppress the voice in my head that gave me the motivation I needed to lose 100lbs. I allowed 1200 calories to slip to 1500, which then slipped to 2,000+ some days, then I allowed myself to buy (and binge) on sweets and takeout. My diet for the past 3 weeks has been simply horrible compared to what I normally eat, and I fear I am losing control.
I continue to exercise, but that no longer provides the stress relief I need.

I am writing this as more of a rant, and the little voice in my head knows what I have to do, but another part of me is able to justify my actions, which ends up being the voice that wins out.

lesteidel

It will get better

Things are always more scary in your head than in real life.

Also, learning the differences in the way people treat you really really messes with your view of humanity. It sucks, People who used to ignore you suddenly know who you are or are nicer. When I first dropped all my weight I was (and I'm not proud of it) quite rude to those people because it made me mad! It was like seriously?!?!?!

Dealing with the changes though, it gets better. And once you've lost as much as you have, gaining back sucks big time. I lost a hundred and gained back 30 and now having to get it back off. When you stress eat (or injure your knee and continue eating as if you were running five miles every day) after you lost that much and gain, you feel even worse.

It does get better though, And you can do this! Just take life one day at a time

neandermagnon

counselling/therapy may help with some of this, especially related to how you feel about yourself. Being thin never automatically makes anyone suddenly become happy and confident. This is why it's a good idea to learn to love yourself for who you are right from the start, and lose weight out of a sense of knowing you deserve to be healthy, rather than out of self-hatred or self-punishment. But it's never too late, and if you can't learn to do that alone, then that's where counselling/therapy can really help.

regards your career... if you hate the field of work you're in, then stop applying for jobs and see a career guidance person, there should be one at your uni. There are very likely to be other possibilities for you after you finish your degree. Also, I don't think anyone really feels ready for such a big change when graduating, that's something that counselling can help with (these feelings may stem from the same fundamental lack of self-confidence and/or self-love that underpins your other issues) but also bear in mind that pretty much everyone feels scared about big huge life changes. And hating your career choice is a sign you need to take control and find your way into something that you do enjoy.

Regarding food... it sounds like you're restricting yourself too much and being too harsh with yourself over days when you eat more. This kind of restriction and feeling guilty over eating can lead to bingeing and more guilt then it's a vicious cycle between excessive restriction/self-punishment and more binge eating and unplanned overeating. You need to break the cycle by learning to forgive yourself and not feel guilty over eating more. Most likely the desire to eat more comes from actually needing to eat more food. even when it's pure comfort eating, don't beat yourself up about it, just try to find other ways to comfort yourself that don't involve food or anything self-destructive. Eating too much is not a sin or a crime. It's nothing more than a bad habit. And you need to eat 3500 calories over and above your TDEE to gain just 1 lb of fat. Fat gain happens very slowly, you're not going to get fat from 1 day of overeating. What you need to do is try to find a more moderate approach that allows you to feel full/satisfied on the food you're eating, while sticking to your calorie goal, and learning not to feel guilty about enjoying food. If you overindulge (and I mean really overindulge, as in a significant amount over your TDEE) you can always do more exercise the next day to burn off the excess, and choose something you enjoy to do that, because it's not self-punishment. Exercise should be fun, and eating should be fun.

uconnwinsnc

Sometimes we all need to take a break. You've lost 95 pounds. That is something most people could only dream of doing. You did it. Honestly, I think you're burnt out. Take a week or two and just relax. Log off MFP for that time and just figure everything else in life out.

unesemainedecruaute

Darkest moment in night comes before the sunrise starts.

One of the scariest moments on life is when we find ourselves leaving any kind of shelter, as it comes to our food or weight. It threatens our need of security and shelter, one of the most basics needs humans have. If you have lived enough time with the extra weight, it also threatens our very identity.

You have to find yourself, again. That's one of the causes why everything looks uncertain.

The second cause is that you have learnt how to escape of our problems by eating, and now you have to learn how to deal with things without recurring at food as a way of quiting. It's likely that you'll also find a good bunch of problems waiting for you, as you might have delayed them for days, months or years.

Breath them. Breath through them. Enjoy them. This is what you have been fighting for all this time. You are now in control of your life. You can be whatever you chose to be, and not what the food lets you to. Grab a pencil, and draw your own limits.

As we are not machines, you have to familiarize yourself too with the fact that in this new stage of your life (being the previous one the lose of weight), you'll have ups and downs. Embrace that fact too.

Everything else is pretty much the same as when dieting: make a plan, have sensitive goals (e.g.: I'm gonna find what I like to do in the next x months, not tomorrow), release some stress (enrol in a new activity that you like, like dancing or yoga), and whatever you have already used on your previous stage.

Keep in mind that this stage is about finding your new self without going back to food, not about losing the last 15lbs, getting a promotion or ending your studies. If some of these things happens, great, but the focus is on finding yourself.

Happy finding!

yolohunter

Sounds like you have a lot going on and I can relate from previous experiences and similar transitions in my life. As painful as it is to admit, I have gained and lost 60-80 pounds TWICE in my life already with several years in between and am now on my third cycle This time I am equally focusing on getting my mind in shape as well so that I never go down this path again. I can tell you from my experience it is 10x more exhausting than what you think is exhausting right now to go through the horrible process of punish-eating yourself back to your previous weight or even part of the previous weight you lost and then after numerous attempts to lose it again to finally get back to a place in your life where you can focus and be mentally strong enough to actually go through the entire process of losing the weight again.

Not saying that you are going to gain the weight back (it would take me 1-2 years to gain the weight back), I'm just trying to tell you that dealing with your present and PAST issues straight on and really learning how to FEEL your feelings instead of numbing them out and finding ways to deal with your feelings/uncertainty/vulnerability without food....and finding yourself like the previous poster suggested will be the best things you could ever do for yourself. And it will allow you to keep control of your life for the long haul.

From what I know about you, you seem like an incredibly strong person that has accomplished a lot and I'm confident you can handle your current situation, figure out where to go next with your life that will make you awesomely happy and prosper! Like I tell myself every morning to remind myself (because I definitely forget sometimes): You DESERVE to be happy, healthy, beautiful and successful!

bkjk997

Sometimes we all need to take a break. You've lost 95 pounds. That is something most people could only dream of doing. You did it. Honestly, I think you're burnt out. Take a week or two and just relax. Log off MFP for that time and just figure everything else in life out.

I like his idea too. But I would set a date to come back, and even mark it on your calendar. Perhaps ask some of your MFP friends to check in on you after that date.

You're about to start a whole new phase of life, and that can be scary, but it also means new people in your life, which in this case, sounds like a good thing. You get to start fresh with people who don't know about the weight you've lost. To them, you're just you.

School friendships are not the same as adult friendships... for one, you often make friends in school based solely on geographical proximity, rather than common interests. You choose the friends you can tolerate best out of a sea of people who are thrown together simply because they go to the same school.

You can handle this. You've been given lots of great advice here, so figure out a plan that doesn't involve undoing all the hard work you've already done. That will definitely *not* make you feel better.

Once you get through this phase, and life has settled down a bit, choose a charity or cause you feel strongly about, and volunteer. You'll meet like-minded people that you might be able to connect with on a deper level. Of course, get through your schooling first, but know that not everyone is like the people you describe, and your *real* friends are out there somewhere, just itching to meet you.

Best of luck!

TrainerJen0125

I'm not going to go into too much detail...you can message me if you have any questions on this. First off, I am sorry you're going through a hard time. =( Storms pass, and will make you appreciate the sunshine.

As far as diet goes, 1200 calories is the worst magic number the diet industry (and this app) have ever come up with. I don't care who you are, you will eventually plateau at that number, and in order to lose that last 15lbs you would have to go under 1200 calories and slow your metabolism down a great deal.

At my heaviest I was about 180. I'm now around 135. I can maintain between 131-135 at 2200 calories a day (not currently because I am dieting for a show, but off season).

Life is ALL about balance. I used to be anorexic, bulimic, a binge eater...I've done EVERY diet there is (weight watchers, south beach, ALLI, cabbage soup...whatever)...and this is the only time in my life I've ever felt like I can maintain my progress.

IIFYM.com

Look into it. It may change your life. You don't have to give up. You just need to approach it from a different angle.

I hope this doesn't come off as unsolicited advice and I hope this helps you

IWILLBelieveAchieveInspire

Darkest moment in night comes before the sunrise starts.

One of the scariest moments on life is when we find ourselves leaving any kind of shelter, as it comes to our food or weight. It threatens our need of security and shelter, one of the most basics needs humans have. If you have lived enough time with the extra weight, it also threatens our very identity.

You have to find yourself, again. That's one of the causes why everything looks uncertain.

The second cause is that you have learnt how to escape of our problems by eating, and now you have to learn how to deal with things without recurring at food as a way of quiting. It's likely that you'll also find a good bunch of problems waiting for you, as you might have delayed them for days, months or years.

Breath them. Breath through them. Enjoy them. This is what you have been fighting for all this time. You are now in control of your life. You can be whatever you chose to be, and not what the food lets you to. Grab a pencil, and draw your own limits.

As we are not machines, you have to familiarize yourself too with the fact that in this new stage of your life (being the previous one the lose of weight), you'll have ups and downs. Embrace that fact too.

Everything else is pretty much the same as when dieting: make a plan, have sensitive goals (e.g.: I'm gonna find what I like to do in the next x months, not tomorrow), release some stress (enrol in a new activity that you like, like dancing or yoga), and whatever you have already used on your previous stage.

Keep in mind that this stage is about finding your new self without going back to food, not about losing the last 15lbs, getting a promotion or ending your studies. If some of these things happens, great, but the focus is on finding yourself.

Happy finding!

I just wanted to say you gave such a thoughtful response to this post..so kind and encouraging. I haven't seen a lot of that lately on MFP so it's very refreshing. Thank you.

unesemainedecruaute

Thanks

kernja

I understand your pain. I've lost about 75lbs the last two years (275 down to 200, recent average was 203), and this last week I snapped. Stopped exercising, stopped eating healthy, and hell consumed everything in sight. Now I'm at 207.

Sweet. In about one week I packed on enough calories to gain four pounds. I looked at myself and realized that I was trading in long-term goals for short term feelings and I need to look the other way around. I gutted my exercise routine completely to cut out weight-lifting and changed my running schedule. It's a perfect opportunity to change what I'm doing for the better.

Will I lose muscle mass? Yes. Will I start lifting once I'm done with work this semester? Yes. The reason why I'm on MyFitnessPal now is a direct result of my changes. The iPhone app is amazing, I like the community, and it keeps me accountable.

JUDDDing

Sometimes we all need to take a break. You've lost 95 pounds. That is something most people could only dream of doing. You did it. Honestly, I think you're burnt out. Take a week or two and just relax. Log off MFP for that time and just figure everything else in life out.

I agree. You could even re-think your goals too.

I dropped about 120 lbs last year. I just maintain now. I'm concentrating more on other things (like running) than weight loss right now.

I still have about 20 lbs that I could stand to lose. But it's just not as urgent and important as it was 100+ pounds ago.

So, yeah. Just practice maintaining for awhile. See how you feel in a few weeks/months. If stuff starts to get out of hand - you know what to do.