Feeling really Down

goddessmother

I am feeling a large amount of conflicting emotions right now. I guess I should explain what is going on, and maybe some of you will have some insights, maybe from personal experience.

I wanted to see my doctor about possibly getting gastric bypass, after for the last 10 years struggling with my weight, and after a minor amount of weight loss I would end up gaining back more, ultimately leading to me becoming over 300lbs. My husband came with me to approach our doctor and she looked at him and said it was a good idea for him, and when I said I was the one we were really talking about, it felt like a "Yeah the would be good for you too" sort of response. So I know I am being silly, and feeling brushed aside, but even at over 300lbs I was not as overweight as my husband, so I can see why she would think we were talking about him, and not me.

Anyway, she gave us information and we both went to the gastric clinic that specializes in the gastric bypass surgery. After 2 months of going, we found out he can have the surgery but I had to have 6 months of medically supervised dieting to try and lose the weight myself first. That was hard for me to hear, but it was because I don't have any other health problems and my husband does (diabetes, sleep apnea, etc...). I ended up losing 50lbs, and was within 15 lbs of not even qualifying for the surgery anymore because my BMI would be too low for my INS to pay for it. So aside from that and me realizing I couldn't afford to pay for the visits to the clinic for both of us, I just stopped even trying.

Lets fast forward a little bit. My husband just had the surgery. He lost about 60lbs prior to getting the surgery, so he already looks way better than he did. I had a hard time dealing with him complaining from the pain of the surgery, part of me didn't want to see him hurting and I didn't like feeling helpless to help him feel better. The bad part of me didn't care, he knew what he was getting into, he knew it would not be easy, and he chose to do this (and even deeper I felt like he stole this from me). That is the part that makes me feel so guilty and bad.

But now only three days after, he is home from the hospital, and still complaining, I feel like I have had to be a total ***** to him to make him move like he needs to so he doesn't get pneumonia (because he has been running a fever off and on because he is not getting his lungs to expand enough because he wasn't moving around enough). And I have to go back to work, and leave him to care for our youngest two... That is the hardest part because I am not sure I can trust him to even care for himself right...

Now to the worst part of it all. I have had years of small successes followed by major backslides. I am so scared he is going to lose tons of weight during this year (and even heavy women were always all over him) and I am (worse than just not loosing any more weight) going to gain everything back and then some, and at that point he won't want to be with me anymore. Mostly because I think he will see me as the failure I have constantly been. He keeps trying to assure me that won't happen, but he can't promise me that because he has never been in the situation he is moving into. My late husband had abdominal surgery because he had diverticulitis, and because of the amount of bowel they removed, he was never again heavy, but he was older, and not nearly as suave and handsome as my current husband, so I never had these fears with him.

So now not only can I not even get the surgery if I wanted to, I am going to help him succeed where I have constantly failed, or he could die (worst case, but most likely just feel really crappy a lot of the time). I can't believe I am having such a hard time dealing with this emotionally. I am feeling sometimes that I would rather be dead than stay this heavy. I have been told I was fat my whole life, even though I look back and I really wasn't. I have never been skinny, but I have never found "skinny" to be very attractive. I just know he is likely to lose roughly 150 lbs in just a year, and I have 120 lbs to lose if I want to be considered "healthy weight", and I have no hope of reaching that in one year. I'll be lucky to lose another 50 by the time another year rolls around. My biggest fear is that he will weigh less than me, by the time this year is over, and at me being 5'5" and him being 6'3" I will once again be that fat wife with the healthy looking husband.

Sorry for such a long rant. I just feel cheated, and hurt. I have worked hard, and tried hard, and instead of the reward, I am denied. He purposely sabotaged his weight loss, didn't exercise so he wouldn't lose too much weight and he was rewarded with the surgical guarantee that he will be thin (I know he has to follow their instructions, but it will be so much easier for him than it is for me now).

OK, I am done. I promise....

isokon

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said 'healthy LOOKING husband'. Gastric pypasses are really unhealthly and you are much better off losing weight and becoming healthy and fit for life the way YOU are doing it.

Please don't feel down, you have done so well! Keep it up!

KarenBorter

Hey there lady Wow ... okay where to start.

First of all ... you are HERE. That's a great first step. Secondly, you have already proved that you CAN lose weight and you CAN succeed in losing weight, so much so that it almost disqualified you for the surgery. That's great news. Anytime you can do something naturally is BETTER. I know that you may not want to hear that but it's true. This is terribly hard work, but the rewards are amazing.

I know you feel like you have to be a b**** to him but honestly if that's the only way you can make him move then DO IT! When my mom had quadruple by-pass surgery about 10 years ago, I had to do the same thing. This is common among people who go through major surgery. They get depressed and demotivated and they probably dont' even know it. Remind him that if he doesn't get up he could DIE AND BE A B**** to him. Tough Love. I had to do it with my mom and it KILLED ME to do it but I did or she would have died ...

Now, as far as your worry about him leaving you ... I suggest you start the MFP program here. Start counting your calories, use the tools on this site, get out and move WITH him ... do this WITH HIM and you can lose the weight too ... you are already ahead of the game by 30 lbs ... YOU CAN DO THIS TOO AND WITHOUT SURGERY! There are so many success stories of people who have lost the amount of weight you need to lose ... you just have to make up your mind to do it! You seem to want it, you are here posting about it ...

Friend me if you need motivation and help ... I am no professional, I am just trying to lose 40lbs but it's HARD no matter how much you have to lose ... but you gotta want it and I think, no I KNOW you do ... so get started today ... no looking back ONLY FORWARD

xoxo
~k

sjyates

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to offer my sympathy. You are fully justified to feel the way you do. I suggest using the MFP community as much as possible to help you through this both the emotional side of the situation and the physical weight loss side. Just keep in mind how great it will feel to accomplish the weight loss on your own even if it takes you over a year! You can do it and MFP is here to help! :flowerforyou:

lruff1987

I feel for you, I really do! While my situation is not as drastic as yours is, I have dealt with similar things in the past. I have always been bigger then my 3 sisters and 1 brother... Now I'm married and for the first 4 years of our marriage my husband was always smaller then me (even if it was only by a few pounds).

But it's clear that you CAN do it! And you can do it the healthy way! Gastric bypass is a very dangerous and risky procedure. You're basically cutting out the portion of your stomach that absorbs vital minerals and nutrients, and if you do not eat right you will put your body into starvation mode. Lifestyle changes along with a moderate amount of exercise are the absolute BEST way to go. And you did it and lost 50 lbs!! That's so good! Losing weight is not a quick and easy process... it takes a LOT of time and diligence to lose weight and keep it off. So please... don't give up!! Keep trying! It's taken me about 2 1/2 years to lose 30 lbs. It was hard and at times I hated myself and tried to give up... but then I would look back and realize that each pound lost was a pound I would never have back in my life again.

So keep going. Make small changes and believe in yourself! And trust me... if your husband already has women all over him and he is faithful to you... he obviously loves you very much and nothing will change that.

Leslie

PS: When my husband whines even for a day, it goes through me like a knife and I wanna smack him! But then I feel really bad and try to be sympathetic. Us women are all the same sometimes!

bellanean

Well I really cant help you with the whole husband situation because I am not married, but the insurance companies are suppose to go by your weight before the supervised 6 months. A lot of people do what your husband did and not lose too much afraid they wont be able to get the surgery.

But look at it this way, you have lost 50 pounds on your own! Thats great! Dont let anything get you down, just keep tugging away at losing the weight. If your husband loves you for you then you have nothing to worry about, let those other girls stare, hes yours!

smsummers

I would strongly suggest some counseling for yourself and then you an your husband. This happens in many marriages when one person has any major change in their life. This is not a healthy mindset for either of you, especially wih 2 young kids at home. Stick with MFP and seek some counseling and you CAN DO THIS!!!

sillygoose1977

First, please be very aware of your husband's pain and health during this time after his surgery. If he or you think anything is wrong at all, PLEASE go see the doctor immediately. My mom had the surgery about 4 years ago and she had serious complications a few weeks after. At first they tried to tell her it was pneumonia but it wasn't and she came very, very close to death and they had to redo the surgery. She ended up in ICU for 2 weeks and I really didn't know if I would still have my mom. So please be patient with him and take his pain seriously. I know you are having a hard time with it but I'm sure he is too.

Now, why are you so down? You proved to yourself that you can lose weight on your own. That's great! You would really prefer having a very dangerous surgery to losing the weight with hard work? Be proud of yourself that you don't need it. You and your husband can still make this journey together. Just because he has had the surgery doesn't mean things will be easy for him either. He has to relearn how to eat. That is not going to be easy. Use this opportunity to work together to accomplish your goals. Despite what everyone says, gastric bypass is not an easy way out. You will both work very hard. You need to depend on each other for strength.

amunet07

I agree. Your husband could have complications healthwise and some people have even gained weight again even with this surgery.

You have the psychological advantage knowing that you are doing it on your own.

As for you feeling insecure. Just know that your husband loves you for you that will not change... and just because he might look healthy doesn't mean his love for you will change or even... as you mentioned that you fear his outlook will change... I still have the insecurities even after my weightloss...I've had two men sabotage our relationship because they are afraid I will gain it back...even though I look healthy... I am to the point where I am considering never trying to be in a relationship again. So... don't worry... the fact that you loved him when he was overweight and when he loses is more powerful of a bonding agent than some gal he might meet.

Hope this helps. (hugs)

JennS19

i agree with the others that it's important to express your feelings to your husband either through just talking or going to conseling together when he is doing better. Your feelings are completely justified here but you should address them instead of keeping them balled up inside. Weather you express them here or to your husband, friend, counseler, etc. Just get them out, those feelings are going to be the thing that will make or break your weight loss.

Also you have already taken the first step, your here on MFP, this is such a great community of support. I know i"ve had my down days and my friends on here have been so supportative and encouraging. Keep updating your general feed, update your food journal, make it a public journal for all to see, get in your exercise when you can , join a challange on the message boards. The more you get involved in other's weight loss journey the more you'll be motivated to continue your own.

Also, and I know you probably don't want to hear it right now, but I feel IMHO that surgery's like bypass and others are so heavily pressed upon and actually losing weight on your own is pushed to the back burner. I suggest you check out the Success Stories folder and find some people who started out where you are and have lost a lot so far, 1. it will give you encouragement in your own journey but also 2. Getting in contact with those people will help you as well because their support could be a make or break point for you.

We are all going thur similar weight loss journeys, we all have our up and down days, it how we come out of those periods of our lives that make us stronger individuals and shape us as people. Don't give up on yourself, you've come so far already, you've proven you can do this. I totally believe in you that you can continue to do this without surgery!! Have faith in yourself honey!!



Jenn

shellishell

Maybe this will make you feel better - I have a friend who had the surgery and so did her husband. Truth is, your husband won't be able to eat as much...use that to your advantage. Start preparing small, healthy meals for you both & the kids and you will lose the weight. Start experienting with different varieties of foods and you will find things that are healthy and that you will enjoy. All the while you are helping yourself, you will be helping your family and teaching your children the CORRECT way to eat so they don't fall into your unhealthy pattern.

As others have said, you are here, that's a start. It took a while to put oin the pounds, it will take you a while to get them off. Have faith in yourself, don't give up! Don't just show yourself you can do this - PROVE IT! Start small with exercising...I promise you, you will be gratified when you can do more next month than you could the month before.

In the time it takes him to lose the weight from surgery, you can also! It is very realisitic for you to lose 100 lbs in 12 months! I have seen others on these boards who have had self-confidence and said they were sick of how they looked and did something about it. Read the Sucess Stories board.

Pick yourself up and get moving! You can do this without resorting to surgery and feel so much better about yourself when you do it, knowing, you did it the healthy way and ON YOUR OWN!

You CAN do this!
Shelli