How to deal with unrealistic/controlling mom?!

auroranflash

Learn to say no without having to explain yourself, because you're an adult who knows what they're doing.

I'd seriously worry about her though if she's really only eating that much, and I'd encourage therapy, because if you're in college, there's way more dangerous stuff you can be doing than eating pizza.

BrainyBurro

I have to be honest. My Mom died a year ago. She used to be overprotective of me too, and I miss it.

Why don't you tell your Mom she can call me and harass me about what I am eating for dinner?

Seriously, 'tis just what Moms do. She is concerned for your health because a mother's worse fear is losing her child.

^ this.

mine died of a stroke a few years ago and i never got to apologize for cutting her out of my life for her final 20 years.

sometimes you don't know what you have until you no longer have it.

MarucaSoledad

I think it is a great time to set boundaries before it becomes a permanent issue during your adult relationship. It's not easy as parents tend to have problems accepting their children are growing. You could just tell her you are happy to talk to her as long as it is not food/exercise related and that you will need to end the conversation if it turns into it. You don't have to hang up on her and be rude, but you can say, "I'm sorry. I need to end the call now. I love you, bye" and terminate the call. You also don't have to pick up the phone every time she calls. It will be some time before she turns around and accepts your boundaries, but if she really loves you she will eventually change. It is ridiculous to think that we must accept our parents' behaviors just because it means they care. It is better to work on a healthy relationship that is good for all involved.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.

SunofaBeach14

I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.

Agreed. It sounds like OP just has some boundary issues to work out. Not everyone has an evil mother.

hfester

This behavior is extreme and unhealthy. I get it. My mom once offered me a trip to Ireland if I lost some weight. Sounds great until you basically equate your worth in your mom's eyes with the weight on the scale. I don't know what to tell you because there's no easy solution. She thinks she's protecting you, you (rightfully) feel judged, like her love and approval is dependent upon some arbitrary number on the scale. It sucks. As someone who really has been there: open the dialogue. Tell her how it's making you feel.

Achrya

I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.

Agreed. It sounds like OP just has some boundary issues to work out. Not everyone has an evil mother.

We should be so lucky as to have things like dealing with overbearing parents be as easy as "Meh, she's basically the wicked queen" and then cutting them off forever. But, alas, usually they're just slightly whacko people with issues taking some steps the *kitten* back.

I think a little time not answering the phone will be good for the OP and her mom. Or her mother will come back even more extreme than before. Hard to say.

GertrudeHorse

I suggest setting a firm boundary and clearly telling her something like "I would rather if we don't talk about food/health because I am trying to avoid getting obsessive" and then if she brings it up just redirect the conversation or talk about something else. If she refuses then you might need to explain more clearly to her. Boundaries are vital.

ETA: I don't think it's appropriate for people who have lost parents and have certain regrets to be transferring their emotions to this situation. Yes, your feelings are valid, but what the OP's mother is doing is not healthy, not appropriate and should not be tolerated. It's not "just what mum's do" at all.

Sreneesa

I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.

Agreed. It sounds like OP just has some boundary issues to work out. Not everyone has an evil mother.

Agree.

And I also agree with opening a dialogue and expressing your feelings in a tactful way. You obviously have a lot of respect for your mom and love her very much so only you know how to go about opening up the discussion.

I know earlier I pretty much said grin and bear it only because I'm a big believer in respecting mom and I have a daughter around your age who we are very close. She shows me the utmost respect and values my opinion and constantly ask for it. But I also agree you need to express yourself to her and get it off your chest.

You got a lot of great advice on here I'm sure you will figure it out.

hawthornerose

My mom used to be constantly pressuring me about my weight. She eats about 800 calories a day and is convinced that all of my problems would go away if I was skinny. We made a deal that she can only mention my weight at the doctors office, in terms of legitimate medical concerns. I'd say sit down with her and lay out some ground rules, including specific times when it's okay for her to talk about your weight.

SLLRunner

It sounds like you went about weight loss the right way and that you have a healthy body image minus your mom's nagging. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to make your mom's struggles into your struggles.

If it helps at all, I doubt that your mom believes that you're "not thin enough." She's just projecting her own insecurities onto you, and her own disordered thinking is preventing her from realizing how the things she says might be affecting you.

This.

I suggest trying to distance yourself emotionally when she start into a nagging episode. Kindly tell her that you appreciate her concern but that your eating habits are not up for discussion. End the conversation. You're an adult, you don't have to discuss anything with anyone that you don't want to.

It does sound like you went about weight loss in a healthy way. Your mom has her own issues, which in no way are yours. it sounds like she might need professional help for her disorder if she is eating as few calories as you believe she is.

paperfiish

Honestly it seems like you have a pretty good understanding of how your relationship with your mom needs more boundaries, and since you understand her eating is disordered I doubt you'll become "just like her" because you have a good understanding of what's healthy and what's not. Now you just need to find a way to keep your relationship with your mother amiable without allowing her to monitor your food/exercise, and that's a highly personal and delicate process that will probably just take time, a couple of fights, and experimentation on what works best with her.

Personally, my mom is somewhat like this, except that she uses my nutrition/health stuff as a means of fueling the guilt she feels about eating and therefore to justify not eating. As in if I'm eating something like oatmeal and she's having a hamburger, she'll compare the two and then stop eating. I hate having my health choices used as a means of fueling something so unhealthy, so I refuse to talk about food in those manners. Personally I found it useful to redirect topics to things I'm interested in, or otherwise try to derail the conversation from the direction of food and exercise, until either it's forgotten or she gets the message that I'm not willing to go down that path with her.

I have literally detailed the complicated relationship between Harry, Ron and Hermione and their place as role models in YA literature as a means of derailing negative food talk. That works for me, but you'll have to find a method that works for your mom.

SLLRunner

Thanks for the advice everyone! I know that mainly its because she cares alot, and I now that she really wants the best for me.

It's just frustrating because she'll say things like if I don't start eating more nutritiously I'm probably going to start gaining weight, or she'll tell me that calories aren't what's important and I just need to cut all the desserts and high fat out of my diet if I don't want to start gaining... just things like that. I'm just trying to live in moderation, and I wish I could get her to trust me to live healthily!

Has she ever been overweight?

Do you think she is anorexic now?

AliceDark

Thanks for the advice everyone! I know that mainly its because she cares alot, and I now that she really wants the best for me.

It's just frustrating because she'll say things like if I don't start eating more nutritiously I'm probably going to start gaining weight, or she'll tell me that calories aren't what's important and I just need to cut all the desserts and high fat out of my diet if I don't want to start gaining... just things like that. I'm just trying to live in moderation, and I wish I could get her to trust me to live healthily!

A lot of this is probably just normal transitional stuff that everyone goes through when they start to become an adult. It can take parents awhile to move from "this is my child who needs me to explain things" to "this is an adult who can make responsible choices." You need to keep reminding your mom that you're paying attention to the situation and will be able to take reasonable steps to correct any issue that arises. Most people get something similar with their parents reminding them to take care of their car or pay their bills or whatever. It stinks that your mom's doing this with weight and food, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep telling her that the way you were eating helped you get to a healthy weight, that you're continuing to do what worked for you in the past, and if you do gain a pound or two, you will be able to lose them again.

tunastamper

Your mom is projecting. She's pushing her issues onto you because she isn't ready to confront them herself. The best thing you can do is just ignore it and try to set some boundaries. You're an adult and you have every right to tell her that you don't want her to be involved in your weight loss anymore, although you appreciate her input and concern. If she asks questions, give simple one-word answers like "I'm doing fine" or "I haven't decided what I'm going to eat yet."

And also, please try not to take this personally. Your mom isn't saying these things because she genuinely believes that you're not doing well enough. All of these words are coming from her own insecurities about her own weight and health, and they're very revealing about her attitude toward food. Stick to whatever plans you have already developed - you know what's best for yourself - and know that if your mother becomes frustrated with you, it is not because you're doing anything wrong.

I would also suggest you recommend therapy for your mother if she doesn't already see a therapist. It's obviously not healthy for her to live the way she does, and while I understand how difficult it can be to help people with eating disorders confront their issues and seek help, it's important that she does get help eventually.

paperpudding

I suggest setting a firm boundary and clearly telling her something like "I would rather if we don't talk about food/health because I am trying to avoid getting obsessive" and then if she brings it up just redirect the conversation or talk about something else. If she refuses then you might need to explain more clearly to her. Boundaries are vital.

ETA: I don't think it's appropriate for people who have lost parents and have certain regrets to be transferring their emotions to this situation. Yes, your feelings are valid, but what the OP's mother is doing is not healthy, not appropriate and should not be tolerated. It's not "just what mum's do" at all.

Yes I agree with all of your post.

Particularly the second part - is not helpful to OP to just say she should appreciate having a mother.

in fact, it sounds like she is very caring to her mother - but her mother has mental health issues in the form of an eating disorder and this is impacting on OP.

I hope the posters who said things like ' just cut her out of your life' dont really mean that - if a relative has mental health issues, sure, you may need to set some boundaries but surely nobody seriously think you should just cut them off altogether.

Velum_cado

I would probably use the broken record approach with her. Every time she asks, I would respond with, "I'd rather not discuss it" and change the subject. She'll either get the message, she'll get tired of asking, or she'll get really annoyed and have a bit of a tantrum. In any case, not your problem. It's none of her business.

SbetaK

How about introducing your mom to MFP? Maybe she will get to reading the forums and learn more about healthy eating. But DON'T tell her who you are because she would likely follow you. Maybe she'll poke around trying to guess who you are but pause to read other comments and even find some friends.

thejubster1

I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.

There comes a time when, although you respect your parents opinions, you need to live your life as it feels right for you. Sometimes parents need to be reminded, gently, that their job was to bring you up knowing right from wrong and prepare you to make your own life decisions. Their goal for you is often as the same when you wer born - that you are healthy and happy. Your mum seems to have had some pretty definite thoughts about food & health, and they were right for her. You could tell her that you have taken some of the pieces of that which are right for you, and added in some other things that are tailored to you - and your interests. ... It can be hard enough to live up to your own expectations for you, let alone other peoples.....

neandermagnon

Tell her what she wants to hear and carry on with doing what you want to do. Sometimes in life you have to pick your battles. If this is the only issue between you and your mum, then just humour her and carry on doing your own thing. If she comes to visit, then serve both of you the kinds of meals she wants you both to eat, her visits will be temporary and you can live without pizza etc for a few days.

You don't have to explicitly agree with her when she says something you don't agree with, or actually flat out lie to her, just be economical with the truth, e.g. if she asks you what you're having for dinner, say you haven't decided yet, then listen to her suggestion, thank her for it, then after you hang up go and eat what you were going to eat anyway. If she says something incorrect like "calories don't count, it's what you eat" then reply with a truthful statement that neither agrees nor disagrees, e.g. "well I had chicken breast and salad for lunch today mum, so don't worry" or similar.

If you're worried about your mum's physical and mental health (600 cals/day plus being this paranoid about food does sound like an eating disorder and reason to be worried) then that's a much more difficult issue, maybe eating disorder help groups can give advice to you as a concerned family member about what to do and how to deal with it.