I really need some encouragement.

chekur

So. As a bit of background, I've struggled with an eating disorder and weight-related issues since I was 12. I'm now 25, as a frame of reference.

(This is gonna be a bit long, bear with me!)

The last four years have been huge and scary for me. I also suffer from Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Depression, and went through a severe bout of both, including a period of time where I was suicidal. Thankfully, I was able to get myself some help and prioritize my mental health. Unfortunately, during the time where I was most depressed, my weight skyrocketed to the highest it's ever been - 225.

I'm sure you can imagine, that's no picnic for someone with an eating disorder. However, being on medication and seeing a therapist, and also being heavily involved in the Healthy At Every Size movement, has helped me realize that being healthy, fit, and happy is a priority to being "skinny".

Now, I do want to lose weight, because not only do I not feel like myself at this weight, but seeing it daily is a reminder of a time I'd rather not have to think about constantly. However, I feel as if getting to my goal weight isn't as frantic this time around. I'm quite proud of myself, because I've logged into My Fitness Pal for over 3 months straight. My weight didn't move much if at all in that time period, but I got used to logging my food without it sending me spiralling back into my eating disorder. I've even been logging most of my (infrequent) binges, without shame. At the beginning of February, I got myself a Fitbit Force, to become better in tune with how my body burns calories. In the past month or so, I've been trying (and, for the most part, succeeding) at keeping my calorie intake 500-700 cals below what I burn during the day.

And, one of the biggest steps I could take was two weeks ago - when I started going to the gym. It's a huge step for me because I'm not going to punish myself, but because I love myself and want to feel healthier, stronger, and more capable. And it's been working - even after two weeks, I feel amazing and happy and impressed with myself. I've been doing 3-4 workouts per week, each at 45 minutes to an hour. I alternate between the stationary bike, to playing basketball with a friend, to squash, to the treadmill, to the weight machines (I hate being bored at the gym. Variety is important to me). On my off days I do yoga at home.

The area where I need encouragement is with my weight. Because, for as far as I've come, that number still haunts me. I'm currently at 221.8, having only gone down about a pound and a half over two weeks. And I know that's not bad, logically, but the part of me that remembers losing 2-4 pounds a week when I was with a weight loss "clinic" (Herbal Magic - never ever again) when my eating disorder was at it's worst is telling me that it's bad not to lose more, that it shouldn't be going this slow. And one of the scariest things for me is eating more on the days I work out. For example, yesterday I burned 3000 calories (between the gym, logging 12,000 steps, and climbing over 10 staircases, which I was pretty proud of). Getting myself to eat at least 2300 calories was terrifying.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Do you have any words of encouragement?

ezloshead

You got this! With working out and building some guns your weight won't drop like you want because you're not just losing fat, you're gaining muscle. Stop watching the scale and measure yourself every few weeks. Pay attention to all this energy you have and how your clothes fit and how STRONG you feel inside and out!

chekur

Thank you for your kind words. I really do need to get myself a measuring tape. I think letting go of the idea of weight as the ultimate measurement of health is going to end up being the hardest thing for me, in the end.