Mum and sister calling me fat...? :(

annabeladcock

Hi, I don't really know how to handle the situation and they're being very mean. A few weeks ago I had a big shouting match with my sister (and haven't spoken since) because she kept eating all of my food in the house and then not replacing it. She has moved out but visits every day because she horse rides and the horses live here with my mum and I.

I have just been studying when I hear my sister say "where have all the biscuits gone? There were like 3 packets". My mum then says she hasn't had them and it was probably me. I overhear this and walk in to tell them it wasn't me and walked out again. Then I heard my sister say that she bets it was me because I'm fat and have a massive pig belly... This isn't the first time this has happened, and its really cruel and completely unfair and I don't know what to do. I don't think they know how much I obsess about my weight. My sister is very skinny and athletic because she is a professional horse eventer, so is very active. My mum isn't fat, but is a UK size 16 so is overweight (but comfortable with herself)... And I'm 5"2, 132lbs, so somewhere in between... I'm trying so hard to slim down but I'm right in the middle of exams so its low down on my priority list right now (I'm studying right now instead of going to the gym because I have work to do). Ergh

andreyadonna

People are cruel when they feel threatened. The unfortunate truth is, your sister probably has a control complex. She is a horse eventer, she runs animals around all the time I assume? You confronting her on the point of her eating all your food probably made her feel like she wasn't in control anymore. It's a really unhealthy way to look at the people around you, she probably isn't fully aware of it. If she's been obstinate in the past, making progress with her will probably be difficult too. It's a complicated situation. What I can tell you, from my personal experience, is that you need to disregard her opinion. She's your sister not your trainer, and she doesn't know the in and out of your daily life. She's the one with a problem here, you are taking care of yourself and trying to succeed at school. For now, with all you have going on I'd say ignore her when possible. If she comes up with more hate again, say something along the lines of "I don't understand why I keep hearing such hurtful things. I feel like we could be closer if we could just get past this cycle of mean spirit we are currently in." and then walk away. She needs to decide for herself that something is wrong before she'll ever be able to change. All you can do is keep your head up.

edited for a typo.

Chickee8586

It almost sounds like your sister has some body issues of her own. And by the way, 5'2" and 132 lbs is NOT fat. Heck, that's the weight I'd run thru the yard naked at. Ok, not really, but I maintained that weight from 18 thru my early 30s. And I was curvy, no getting around that.

I agree with andreyadonna, find something to say that isn't agressive, isn't insulting. Put her in her place tactfully by asking her if she realizes just how hurtful she's being when she says things like that. If she says yes, she does know, then ask her if being mean is the way she really wants to live her life. Then walk away. Don't get into arguments. Just get up and walk away when she starts.

It would be like ignoring a child that is throwing a temper tantrum. If nobody pays attention to it, there's no point in it.

Believe in yourself more than others believe in you.

annabeladcock

People are cruel when they feel threatened. The unfortunate truth is, your sister probably has a control complex. She is a horse eventer, she runs animals around all the time I assume? You confronting her on the point of her eating all your food probably made her feel like she wasn't in control anymore. It's a really unhealthy way to look at the people around you, she probably isn't fully aware of it. If she's been obstinate in the past, making progress with her will probably be difficult too. It's a complicated situation. What I can tell you, from my personal experience, is that you need to disregard her opinion. She's your sister not your trainer, and she doesn't know the in and out of your daily life. She's the one with a problem here, you are taking care of yourself and trying to succeed at school. For now, with all you have going on I'd say ignore her when possible. If she comes up with more hate again, say something along the lines of "I don't understand why I keep hearing such hurtful things. I feel like we could be closer if we could just get past this cycle of mean spirit we are currently in." and then walk away. She needs to decide for herself that something is wrong before she'll ever be able to change. All you can do is keep your head up.

edited for a typo.

Thankyou so much :') and you are absolutely spot on about her! This was really helpful just to have someone understand... This made me smile, and I will use your advice

andreyadonna

Glad I could help! I've known some viciously mean people in my life. Unfortunately there are no beautiful snow flakes in humanity, we all do things for similar reasons. if I give you one tip, don't have an aggressive conversation. When I'm speaking with someone who is aggressive, I intentionally avoid using the word "you" it's like verbally pointing your finger at someone. For the same reason you don't startle a horse, you shouldn't make people feel jumpy. The phrase "I feel" is generally a good one. If you need to refer to the other person, try using "we" instead of "you". That makes it group progress instead of forcing a social obligation on her. Conversationally, you are trying to open your arms wide and leave a space she can fall into. People are remarkably willing to fill a space as long as no one told them they had to.

neandermagnon

132lb at 5'2" isn't fat. It's the high end of the normal BMI range. If you have a small frame, then maybe at that weight your body fat percentage would be a bit high, but it's far from fat. And if you have a medium to large frame, then it's very likely the case that your body fat percentage is in the healthy range, so you don't necessarily need to lose weight at all. You don't look fat at all in your profile pic, you look healthy and lean. They're double cruel for saying stuff like that when you're not actually fat to begin with (not that it would be okay if you were fat, but it just adds a whole additional negative aspect to it when you're not actually fat).

I don't know what to advise about your mum and your sister, what they're saying to you is wrong and unfair, and I just wanted to say that, and that you're not fat!!

annabeladcock

Thankyou everyone, you're all very kind and helpful and lovely :')

tmm_0127

1) 5'2" @ your weight = not fat and you do not have a pig belly.

2) People in general are jerks. What sucks is that "people" include those you love and those closest to you. When those people see you making a change in your life, they often get jealous, confused, and / or scared. What also sucks is that most people don't know how to handle change. Your sister is probably jealous (and sounds awfully bratty) and your mom is probably confused and scared about her daughter changing her life. You need to do it for yourself and never mind what they say (especially since it seems like it's being said behind your back). Situations like this can be incredibly toxic, so just worry about yourself for a bit. If your sister wants to act like a spoiled child, then let her. It's not your problem. Your problem is your physical and mental / emotional health, so take care of that business and leave her to her own junk. :P

Lizziebenz7

I know exactly how you feel!!

My sister was 16 stone, not weighs around 10/11. When she was at her biggest and I was going to the gym (I was around 12 stone), she would constantly call me fat, to make herself feel better about herself. Now she has lost all the weight and I have gained a few stone, its the same. I cannot win!
We were playing a game "don't say it" to make your team guess what is on your card without saying the words on your card. I said I don't do it much, and she shouted out what EXERCISE!! and started laughing her head off in front of everyone! It was completely spiteful and mean and mum thought nothing of it (because how could her perfect daughter possibly say anything mean it was of course a joke) in her eyes. She is always so insensitive to me and my feelings I don't know how to get past it!

My whole life she has been like this always putting me down to make herself feel better even when I was at a healthy weight. Now I have put on a couple of stone through stress and binge eating (looking after palliative patients - my mum with cancer) and she is at her lowest she is still forever making fun of me due to my weight!

When I was in Australia I watched a programme called "DR.OZ" and basically they said people constantly putting you down or bringing up your weight is never going to be supportive or helpful towards you. Sometimes you eat in a way of saying f. you to that person I can do what I want. Which I completely understand eating is a control thing and you can when your getting negative people in your life it just makes it 100x worse!

zoeysasha37

I'm sorry they where cruel :-(
sometimes people don't understand how much words rashly hurt. Sometimes they do, but still do it anyway. Just know that it isn't true and that your just fine at your weight. chin up :-) know that it's not you, and it sounds like your sister is the one with the issues.

salembambi

wow I am really sorry that is so mean

would it help to tell her how her saying things like that make you feel or does she not really care at all about your feelings?? as others have said she probably has insecurity problems herself and likes uses you as a punching bag to feel good about herself

Chezzie84

I am going to be very blunt... your sister is a *****. Nothing more, nothing less.
She is insecure and is making herself feel better by trying to destroy you.

You are not fat and don't let anyone tell you that you are.

pyrowill

Time to get your own back I say.

SportSpork

You are NOT fat. IMPOSSIBLE. Next year I will be considered obese and I plan to fight back, and I am. Lost 14 ibs, hit 184 and now 170.5 and i'm a young teen, almost 6 ft. Just ignore your sister, and when she said it she most likely didn't mean it. Don't ever hit my point. You can eve just walk in back in forth at your natural pace if you want to slim up a bit even though you are fine right now. Ignore her, okay?

Fiery_Vixen

Are you frigging kidding me?!? I am 5' 1" in shoes and currently weigh about 130 lbs....if that doesn't make me fat (and it doesn't), then you're NOT FAT EITHER!!! They're both mean *kitten* b!tches that need to STFU!!!

sfarouq

This is your motivation tool right now. There is no better time to start a healthy lifestyle than exam time. "A healthy body constitutes to a healthy mind." All I'm saying is download Jessie J- Who's laughing now and get working out. If you really want it that much you will go and do it. It all rests on you, do you really want to loose weight that much? Just a simple saying to finish off with "If you want it you'll find a way, if not you will find an excuse."

eldamiano

How about just not eating so much and then you dont need to prioritise anything?

cgarand

People can say mean things. Those mean things become part of our negative self talk. 'I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm hideous, I'm clumsy...etc.' A lot of the time it's more about them than it is about you, believe it or not. They are in a bad mood for some reason and instead of talking about the real issue they are on a mission to make someone else miserable too, Like the adage says, Misery Loves Company.

It's especially hurtful when the people who say mean things about us are the ones that are the most important to us, our family and friends. Try not to take it personally if it's just an occasional thing. But, if it's a habit then you need to tell them how hurtful it is. Family and friends are your home team. It's you guys against the world. So, you have to build each other up, not cut each other down. Anyone who doesn't treat you with respect and consideration gets cut from the team.

Works for me.

annabeladcock

Thankyou everyone for your nice words I think it is just her being a cow to be honest, feeling she can control and manipulate everyone around her... I just have to ignore it - can't be dealing with her cr@p! Thankyou