Need to change/lose to keep/marry/be loved by spouse?

Magenta15

NO!!!!

Just saw this on fb, thought it was fitting... a la Erin Brown, she's always got such inspiring things to say:

****
I just received an email I wanted to share with you. The reader wrote to me about an email she had received from a bootcamp instructor promoting his business with a story.

The story went like this: "Mary's" husband started cheating on her when she gained weight. Instead of doing something about it "Mary" ate chocolate causing more weight gain which stressed the relationship. "Mary" should have joined bootcamp to "show him" what he was missing, to gain sex appeal and confidence from all of the compliments she'd receive instead of failing her marriage with chocolate.

*crickets*

WRONG. These are what will become the sad, antiquated days when the fitness industry perpetuated ideas about women's worth in relationships and in the world hinging on an ability to be small or sexually attractive in a specific and narrow way. This is the sad use of that terrible, aging, ridiculous idea to sell worth to women in a workout. This, is sad.

Here's the deal with Mary... she is having a life. She is married to a guy who is not honoring the commitment they made to each other and she will be faced with difficult decisions as the secrets become knowings. Mary's relationship is likely complex and full of nuances and issues only truly known to her and her husband. Her weight is not what she brings to the relationship. If Mary was my friend I would offer to take her on walks. Not because cheating-husband-Mary needs to shape up so her husband will "see how hot she is" but so that she can find some autonomy, peace, clarity, connection so often found on a beautiful walk. My hope for Mary would be that she find strength in her voice to say what needs to be said, and the conviction to do what is best for her own peace. And as I do with anyone, going through rough times or not, I would wish her the wisdom to make time for herself- everyday -to take care of herself in a way that feels good to her. Because life is hard, and it's made much easier with our own deserved nurturing.

The fitness industry will catch up one of these days. In the mean time know this:

We are not here to gain approval of our bodies from others.
Our worth does not lie between our thighs nor in the shape of them.
If you have to "prove" yourself to someone by shrinking for them, the only race I'd be training for would be the one running far from that individual.
When you know you deserve better, you get it. Even if that means giving it to yourself.

To the Mary's of the world; don't find some *kitten* hole personal trainer who believes he can "rescue you" by selling you a hot body plan. Your worth lies squarely within you. Let your self care be a celebration. Let it be about peace. Let it be about you. Not about approval. The approval you need is your own, and you already deserve it.

xo, Erin




SO... are you, and is your loved one honoring who you are NOW? xx

Sharon5913

Awesome post!! I am FINALLY doing this for myself, and I can tell you that I SHOULD have done this many years ago, not waited until I was 50+. That being said, I now go to the gym, and watch what I eat, in SPITE if him laughing at me every time I pull out the scale. I guess we all have to be in the right place to truly "hear" what is being said, and I think I am there. And SO proud of myself for continuing when things weren't going well with the weight loss.

You are SO right, DO IT FOR YOURSELF!!!! And enjoy the ride getting there. Celebrate the little NSVs AND the scale victories as well.
Sharon

:flowerforyou:

Magenta15

Awesome good on you!

KnitOrMiss

I was married to a spouse for 16 years (I actually stopped counting at 12/13), who couldn't generate any affection for me when I gained weight. I know now that he never loved me for me, but that is a whole other story. When I finally made that break, I lost weight like crazy for a bit. Then I gained some back. And now, I'm in an almost 2 year relationship with a man who loves me, not in spite of how I look, but he looks deeper, sees me, and appreciates my body as it is. He even loves to caress and play with my folds on my sides. It has become kind of a joke now. But he shows me every day how attractive he finds ME, and he's done this for so long, I believe him. I may still have moments where I don't like what I see in the mirror, but I know that I am loved not in spite of me, but BECAUSE OF ME!

ezloshead

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1228289-lose-weight-or-no-wedding-is-this-right?page=6#posts-19224662

Op, if you haven't seen this yet, go look. Mary just posted a thread.

Magenta15

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1228289-lose-weight-or-no-wedding-is-this-right?page=6#posts-19224662

Op, if you haven't seen this yet, go look. Mary just posted a thread.

LOL i know I posted on that thread too, that's what made me post it at all read that thread, hopped on fb saw this and thought hmmm perfect timing and brought it here lol!

tmm_0127

I was in a marriage where I was threatened with being cheated on and / or left entirely if I gained weight.

I was 110 pounds and basically not allowed to eat and regularly told I was getting a double chin.

After dropping more weight I was hospitalized, a few weeks later I got $1000 from him and drove back home to my parents and we divorced.

Luckily we had only been married for a little less than two years, but that was still too long. If they ask you to change, then they don't really love you. My case is a bit extreme, but still. You should never feel pressured to change. I remember hearing a story some guy called in about on the radio a while ago where he and his wife basically wrote up a contract as part of their marriage that if either of them got fat then the other would be allowed to divorce. I thought it was ridiculous already, but the guy went on to say that his wife was letting herself go and he keeps telling her that he's going to leave, as per their agreement, if she didn't lose the weight ... which WHOA led to her gaining more weight. Having that pressure to change just so someone loves you isn't going to give you the motivation to lose the weight. It also means your "love" is based on really shallow values and you should find someone who will love you no matter what.

davidhooie

On behalf of my gender I feel I should apologize for all the jerks out there! My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years, and while our weights have fluctuated, our feelings toward each other never have. You have to want to get healthy for the right reasons that have nothing to do with what others may think about you or the demands someone puts on you.

Your health and your life are what need to motivate you, not what size clothes you wear or how you stack up to the next person! I have a teenage daughter and I've seen her and her friends deal with the stupid pressures that are put on them by the media and others to get thin and stay thin. I've told her countless times that "beautiful" starts on the inside, in who you are and what your spirit is (the TRUE you) not in the packaging that is your body! I wish all women knew this and accepted this because it is true! Take it from a guy who has been around almost 50 years and has learned a thing or two!

ren_ascent

This makes me even more thankful that my husband of 13 years (I called it our Baker's Dozen anniversary, clever little me) has never hinged his affection on my physical appearance. He tries to motivate me to be healthy, which I am, and shows me love in his own way. He's not a jerk. I hope all the Mary's find someone just like him. Just not HIM, he's mine. And he'll tell you so :smooched:

lessismoreohio

Great post Magenta15. Well stated. Thank you for taking the time to post this.

Iwishyouwell

Nobody should be cheated on for gaining weight.

But it's also very selfish to think that you can let your physical appearance go any which way voluntarily, and that your spouse is suppose to just deal with it and remain just as attracted to you as ever.

Magenta15

On behalf of my gender I feel I should apologize for all the jerks out there! My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years, and while our weights have fluctuated, our feelings toward each other never have. You have to want to get healthy for the right reasons that have nothing to do with what others may think about you or the demands someone puts on you.

Your health and your life are what need to motivate you, not what size clothes you wear or how you stack up to the next person! I have a teenage daughter and I've seen her and her friends deal with the stupid pressures that are put on them by the media and others to get thin and stay thin. I've told her countless times that "beautiful" starts on the inside, in who you are and what your spirit is (the TRUE you) not in the packaging that is your body! I wish all women knew this and accepted this because it is true! Take it from a guy who has been around almost 50 years and has learned a thing or two!

well said, and i am sure it happens with the roles reversed also! not about man bashing here, just about ppl realizing their worth and honouring themselves!

Magenta15

Nobody should be cheated on for gaining weight.

But it's also very selfish to think that you can let your physical appearance go any which way voluntarily, and that your spouse is suppose to just deal with it and remain just as attracted to you as ever.

I think then you miss the point of the article i posted... has nothing to do about "dealing with it" if your loved one suddenly becomes unattractive to you based on outer appearance, but how about loving them for who they are, and supporting them to become healthy not threatening to leave or boycott affection until they meet your standards of attractiveness... we change, we grow older, our bodies change... **** happens, life gets in the way. ppl should honour themselves, and the ones they've committed their life to

and also whats with the voluntarily? I don't choose to be over weight, I eat well i exercise, my love loves me for who I am no matter what, but i didn't volunteer to feel ****ty about myself... somethings health/medical issues interfere with those things....

Iwishyouwell

Nobody should be cheated on for gaining weight.

But it's also very selfish to think that you can let your physical appearance go any which way voluntarily, and that your spouse is suppose to just deal with it and remain just as attracted to you as ever.

I think then you miss the point of the article i posted... has nothing to do about "dealing with it" if your loved one suddenly becomes unattractive to you based on outer appearance, but how about loving them for who they are, and supporting them to become healthy not threatening to leave or boycott affection until they meet your standards of attractiveness... we change, we grow older, our bodies change... **** happens, life gets in the way. ppl should honour themselves, and the ones they've committed their life to

and also whats with the voluntarily? I don't choose to be over weight, I eat well i exercise, my love loves me for who I am no matter what, but i didn't volunteer to feel ****ty about myself... somethings health/medical issues interfere with those things....

Preaching to the choir. Been with the same woman for 14 years, since my teen years. Still madly in love, despite lots of size changes in both she and I. Still love her, and am still attracted to her.

But it still wasn't fair to her when I was obese. I am blessed beyond reason that she still loved me, was still attracted to me, but I wouldn't have blamed her if she wasn't. I looked horrible, felt horrible, and wasn't living up to my highest potential. She deserved better. Thankfully our love, chemistry, and connection keeps us going strong. But just because a spouse or lover is in love with you doesn't magically mean they'll be attracted to your body at any size. You can love someone for who they are, but fat isn't who anybody "is"; it's a physical state of being.

And MOST people aren't fat because of health/medical issues. A lot of people like to bring up that excuse, but it rarely applies genuinely.