How do I treat my boss with respect?

Maggie1960

She only comes to our office every couple of months or so, and she's one of those very large ladies with a huge personality that can be a bit overwhelming at times.
She must weigh 300lbs+ and professes to be a "happy fatty" who enjoys the good things in life.
She will almost certainly make a negative comment about my weight loss - which is becoming noticeable as I go down another size in clothes - and I always find myself SO tempted to call her bluff about her weight.
When she's being negative about me and my colleagues(always appearance, never work) I have to bite my lip to stop myself from saying anything derogatory to her.

But I just don't believe for a minute she's as happy as she says she is.
Any wise words of wisdom, my lovely MFP pals?

alantin

When she's being negative about me and my colleagues(always appearance, never work) I have to bite my lip to stop myself from saying anything derogatory to her.

She seems to be having big issues. Not exactly a textbook case of good leadership..
I dunno what you can do other than "let it in one ear and out the other" like people here say..

KarenJean81

From what you have writeen about your boss, I'd agree she is not as happy as she says. Since she is only negative about peoples appearances and not their work, and only goes to the office every couple of months, I'd say, bite your tongue and remember that you have chosen to do something about your weight, and thusly your happiness and don't let her bad attitude get you down.

The snippy devil on my other shoulder says cut her off and ask what she thinks of the JOB your doing the next time she says something nasty about your physical acheivements.

iAlly

Yeah it sounds like a defence mechanism some people do that because they can't bear the thought that everyone thinks they are miserable. Or they don't think they could ever do anything about their weight, inside they feel helpless and out of control so they try to put on the happy show to protect themselves from facing what they are scared of. It's the old if you don't try you'll never fail trick.

If it really bothers you then be assertive with her, ask her nicely not to be negative about your weight loss because you can't risk anyone dragging you down and keeping you from your success.

On the other hand maybe understanding her a little will help you to simply ignore her. I'm sure all your colleagues realize what's going on.

Good luck
Ally

leakewh

Slap a disrespectful work environment claim on her.....that should shut her up...she might get pissed, but at least she won't be able to catch you...!!!

Luckymam

Just tell yourself that she is jealous and smile sweetly. I find that when people are rude to me (I work with the public so they are rude on a daily basis!) the best way to counter their attack is to be as utterly polite as possible. It shows them up for the insecure, unhappy, ignorant person that they are.

A friend of mine does this because she is obviously threatened by me. When I was bigger, she would show me up in front of others by referring to me as 'hefty' or saying how much weight I'd put on. I'm having the last laugh now!

People belittle others to make themselves feel better. From a psychological point of view, she's trying to transfer the negative feelings she has about herself on to you. No matter how bad she makes you feel, keep in mind that she will feel worse!

I know it's easier said than done, but rise above it. She's jealous!

jeanineadele

Ask yourself why HER opinion bothers you so much? She is so obviously insecure it is down right sad. She is your superior yet she is lowering herself by trying to convince her team she has value as a person in spite of her out of control appearance. So sad, you are in a better place.

iAlly

A friend of mine does this because she is obviously threatened by me. When I was bigger, she would show me up in front of others by referring to me as 'hefty' or saying how much weight I'd put on. I'm having the last laugh now!

Crikey that's some 'friend' you have!! Are you sure you used the right word there?

clioandboy

if you are like me and you get to the point where you just HAVE to say something, i think it could be something along the lines of " gosh that is so unusual receiving advice against being healthy" or "is it really that noticeable that I am getting in shape, wow that is great thanks" then smile and think up yours bully!

Ms_Natalie

I would say leave well alone...I have found some members of my family to not even mention my weight loss...but that's down to jealousy...I don't let it wind me up...my closest friends and family have congratulated me so often, it makes up for the negative people.

You don't want to risk your job over an issue which has nothing to do with work. She is your boss, and therefore naturally deserves respect. The way she is suggests she has a huge issue with her weight and this is just a coping mechanism. There were times when I told myself that I was happy at nearly 200lbs, but looking back now, I wasn't happy at all.

Plus, when someone says something derogatory to you, the way you can really get their backs up, is by showing that they have not affected you at all...laugh or say "well at least I have an excuse to go on a full on shopping spree now...non of my clothes fit".

This is not weight wars and you should not become involved to as you will belowing yourself to levels of your boss. Enjoy your weight loss and the compliments you get...ignore the negativity :flowerforyou:

3110cynthia

i feel more sorry for her than for you - no offence. She is clearly either sick psychologically or jealous She deserves your pity for being so damned unhappy that she would go around making others feel bad. It's a classic form of transference - put the way you feel onto whomever you're dealing with - people even do it with their pets. She probably calls her cat too thin or too fat or too ugly or whatever she's feeling at the time. Also she will likely become sick and even die before you because she's so morbidly obese - obesity is definitely a disease - as we all know. She's got it too no matter how she supposedly feels on the subject. I'm sooo sure you're fed up and feel disrespected by someone you wish to have respect for you. Having a boss put you down for ANY reason makes one feel horrible and since she does this regularly then it's a shame that all of you have to go thru this all the time - be thankful that she only comes in every so often and not everyday - can you imagine having to deal with that everyday - YUCK.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this but i think it's best to let it slide off your back and be thankful you're not in her shoes. Have a good day tomarrow.

Lithuria

I can't really add much to what people have already said...I'm currently 326 lb's and outwardly a "happy fatty" but inside yeah I guess it burns, no matter how much tell myself and others otherwise so I can appreciate where she's coming from but that in no way excuses her from being derogatory.

I'm not sure exactly what kinds of things she says about your appearence, but you could always start 'running' with her comment so that she's not in the position of power with it anymore and it turns it into a bit of a silly joke, so faor example...

She says your diet is going slowly or isn't working... say yeah the cake fairy keeps coming to visit...
She says you look fat...say yeah I ate well over my calorie limit in carrots last night in a mega binge
She says you look too skinny...say yeah but nothing tastes better than skinny feels
She says you're going to waste away on your diet say...I know, I'm gonna be positively annorexic!

Some of those may not be suitable depending on your relationship with this woman, but you get the idea, banter along with it. While she is making comments like these she is in a a position of power over you and she knows it, she is in the judge's seat, but as soon as you make her comment into a joke it looses it's power and she just looks like a desperate ***** trying fruitlessly to pull you down, and she'll know it too. That should get her off your back

Maggie1960

Thanks for all the positive replies - so farI have had
"Oh Maggie, you don't look at all well, are you okay?" and
"You looked happier when you were bigger" and the one comment that made me want to scream
"You're not taking drugs you've bought off the internet to lose weight have you?" My reply to the last comment (I ignored the two others with a shrug and a smile) was
"I'm a registered nurse, do you seriously think I'd be doing something so ridiculous? I've lost weight in the old-fashioned way, I eat less and exercise more." :explode:
She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

Ms_Natalie

i feel more sorry for her than for you - no offence. She is clearly either sick psychologically or jealous She deserves your pity for being so damned unhappy that she would go around making others feel bad. It's a classic form of transference - put the way you feel onto whomever you're dealing with - people even do it with their pets. She probably calls her cat too thin or too fat or too ugly or whatever she's feeling at the time. Also she will likely become sick and even die before you because she's so morbidly obese - obesity is definitely a disease - as we all know. She's got it too no matter how she supposedly feels on the subject. I'm sooo sure you're fed up and feel disrespected by someone you wish to have respect for you. Having a boss put you down for ANY reason makes one feel horrible and since she does this regularly then it's a shame that all of you have to go thru this all the time - be thankful that she only comes in every so often and not everyday - can you imagine having to deal with that everyday - YUCK.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this but i think it's best to let it slide off your back and be thankful you're not in her shoes. Have a good day tomarrow.

Please be careful with your posts on this website...there are some fantastic people on this site who weight 300 - 600lbs....who are doing an amazing job at becoming healthier. please remember this when posting...although you were trying to help, you could be hindering the journey of someone else.

healthygrl

Yuck, I hate when people are negative. That's no fun to listen to comments like that, I'm sorry.

You could just smile and say, "Hey, I feel better and have more energy than ever!"

And just remember that you're on this journey for yourself, and no one else.

mmtiernan

She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

It is completely inappropriate for a performance review to include anything other than work performance. Especially in today's business climate, I find it difficult to believe that any company would tolerate comments on personal appearance, particularly on a performance review. If this is truly happening, you should consider discussing it with your HR (Human Resources) department. I can tell you that in the U.S., it could be considered discrimination.

possummama

Kill her with kindness, it will be a win win situation

Maggie1960

She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

It is completely inappropriate for a performance review to include anything other than work performance. Especially in today's business climate, I find it difficult to believe that any company would tolerate comments on personal appearance, particularly on a performance review. If this is truly happening, you should consider discussing it with your HR (Human Resources) department. I can tell you that in the U.S., it could be considered discrimination.

I'm not sure what grounds I'd have for discrimination here in the UK but she is definitely guilty of workplace bullying and harassment. If she was making personal comments about my appearance that were related to my ethnicity she would be in serious trouble. And I'm sure if I turned round and said something equally derogatory to her regarding her own appearance there would be hell to pay.
I do actually feel sympathetic towards her, and I wish she would find her way to MFP, and gains some insight into leading a healthier lifestyle.

iAlly

She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

Well done Maggie! Sometimes you just need to stand up to these people!

mlh612

Great job! I know it is so hard to bite your tongue, but kill her with kindness... And just remember that you are doing this for yourself and it doesn't matter what other people think/say

romping

You only see her once every few months. Slap on a smile and walk forward. The paycheck is the reason you are there.

Maggie1960

Just a quick update on the situation with my boss.
Funny after all her snide comments about me looking tired,drawn and ill, her assistant rang me on another matter late yesterday evening and said "She told me you look stunning, you've lost tons of weight! How have you done it?" Now WHY couldn't she have said that to my face?:sad:

Shall I email the boss the link to this website?! Hmmm. As long as she doesn't send me a friend request I'll cope I guess:bigsmile: :bigsmile:

Ms_Natalie

haha....looks like she finally came to her senses. Hmmm....I would try and make sure this thread is deleted or "lost" before you invite her on here....there could be a slight problem if she stumbles across this post :flowerforyou:

Maggie1960

haha....looks like she finally came to her senses. Hmmm....I would try and make sure this thread is deleted or "lost" before you invite her on here....there could be a slight problem if she stumbles across this post :flowerforyou:

Well seeing as she professes to be perfectly happy weighing more than 300lbs, I doubt if she'll be joining MFP any time soon:bigsmile:
The staff room is still crammed with boxes of doughnuts and cookies which she brought with her yesterday - I have managed to convert most of the other staff members to healthy eating and exercise so it looks like the homeless shelter will be getting them later today.

LotusF1ower

She only comes to our office every couple of months or so, and she's one of those very large ladies with a huge personality that can be a bit overwhelming at times.
She must weigh 300lbs+ and professes to be a "happy fatty" who enjoys the good things in life.
She will almost certainly make a negative comment about my weight loss - which is becoming noticeable as I go down another size in clothes - and I always find myself SO tempted to call her bluff about her weight.
When she's being negative about me and my colleagues(always appearance, never work) I have to bite my lip to stop myself from saying anything derogatory to her.

But I just don't believe for a minute she's as happy as she says she is.
Any wise words of wisdom, my lovely MFP pals?

She's not!

She belittles those losing weight and belittles others regarding their appearance because they make her feel inadequate, she would never, in a million years, admit it though, so it is not even worth going down that route.

You all need to get together and give each other support and then when she comes in with her derisory comments, it will be like water off a duck's back, quite simply because you are all sticking together. It is fortunate for you all, that she only visits once in a while, imagine what it would be like to work, every single day, all day with somebody like that! :noway:

You should use her negativity as a spur for yourself and so should the others in your office. Keep losing your weight and make a chart up, with stars from one to ten, the worse she gets, the more stars she gains and watch that chart fill up! Bloody hilarious :laugh:

What would make it all the more amusing would be that she wouldn't have a clue what the chart was, but you all would!

mmtiernan

Just a quick update on the situation with my boss.
Funny after all her snide comments about me looking tired,drawn and ill, her assistant rang me on another matter late yesterday evening and said "She told me you look stunning, you've lost tons of weight! How have you done it?" Now WHY couldn't she have said that to my face?:sad:

Shall I email the boss the link to this website?! Hmmm. As long as she doesn't send me a friend request I'll cope I guess:bigsmile: :bigsmile:

Well! So it was jealousy fueling her remarks. There are ways you can help her on the sly - have you though about creating a health and fitness group at your office? You can start an email newsletter with health and fitness tips an send it out to all of your colleagues, including your boss. Do you have access to a Sharepoint site or does your company have an intranet where you and your colleagues can set up fitness tips, recipes, etc. that would be accessible by anyone?

Our company has healthy initiatives that encourage people to get healthy and fit. Recently, they've begun periodic 'challenges' that run for 6 weeks at a time, where you track daily how many minutes you exercise, how many glasses of water you drink, how many servings of fruits and vegetables, pedometer steps and your weight. Folks form teams of 10 or less and then at the end of the week team rankings are posted so you can see how your team stacked up. It's a good start, I think! In conjunction with it, I send out daily emails with health and fitness tips to my team members to help keep them motivated and hopefully, point them in the right direction with regard to their diet and exercise.

Anyway, just a thought for you. It seems like the more you can help folks understand, the more inclined they are to jump on the bandwagon and stay on (which is why I love, love, love MFP!).

Good luck - and congrats on looking so FAB!

Voncreepy2

She is letting her personal feelings affect her entire life. i mean if it affects people at work, it must be an issue. Just be careful what you post. People are getting fired and stuff for negative comments now.

And i just now read your update. She must be unhappy and i feel sorry for her. People often put up a wall to keep from being hurt. i.e. I am happy being fat ...you can't hurt me.......Humans......Good luck to you.

ZebraHead

No one can make you feel (good or bad) without your permission. You control how you feel and respond to any outside influence.

Smile and be confident about your achivements. No one can take them from you.

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

Sasssy69

Tell her your job is really stressful, and you eat and eat, but keep losing weight. HA HA! JUST KIDDING!

It's not only unprofessional, but also illegal for her to comment on your physical apperance. It's harassment. I've taken many sexual harassment courses and we are told to never comment on the physical appearance of another individual regardless of whether they are of the same gender as you. It's grounds for a lawsuit because you do not know how someone will take it.

Your physical appearance has nothing to do with your job performance. Depending on if you worry about your position being threatened, you might want to simply ask her "What does my physical appearance have to do with my job performance? More importantly, why are you commenting on the way I look?"

If you feel this will put you in her line of sight, ignore it. You know the importance of leading a healthy life style. You will live longer, have more energy, and simply feel better about yourself than she does. She knows this and is threatened by it. Sad for her.

SweetyGirl

Just a quick update on the situation with my boss.
Funny after all her snide comments about me looking tired,drawn and ill, her assistant rang me on another matter late yesterday evening and said "She told me you look stunning, you've lost tons of weight! How have you done it?" Now WHY couldn't she have said that to my face?:sad:

Shall I email the boss the link to this website?! Hmmm. As long as she doesn't send me a friend request I'll cope I guess:bigsmile: :bigsmile:

Your boss is evidently having a difficult time dealing with her own demons, and you just may be the catalyst to spark a change for the better for her. When people are practicing self-destructive behavior, (which is what many of us do when we overeat), they often need to reach that "AHA!" moment before they can start healing. If I were you, I would treat the woman with the respect she deserves as your boss and expect the same in return. Unless her remarks go too far and you are reaching the stage where you cannot take it anymore. Then you need to decide if it's bad enough to address the issue with HR or her superiors.

In the meantime, remember the old saying "Living well is the best revenge." And, if she comes around and asks for advice on getting healthy, that's the time to show who is the better person. You may just save her from herself. But I wouldn't open that door unless she knocks first.

Great advice from everybody here.