How do I treat my boss with respect?

Maggie1960

She only comes to our office every couple of months or so, and she's one of those very large ladies with a huge personality that can be a bit overwhelming at times.
She must weigh 300lbs+ and professes to be a "happy fatty" who enjoys the good things in life.
She will almost certainly make a negative comment about my weight loss - which is becoming noticeable as I go down another size in clothes - and I always find myself SO tempted to call her bluff about her weight.
When she's being negative about me and my colleagues(always appearance, never work) I have to bite my lip to stop myself from saying anything derogatory to her.

But I just don't believe for a minute she's as happy as she says she is.
Any wise words of wisdom, my lovely MFP pals?

alantin

When she's being negative about me and my colleagues(always appearance, never work) I have to bite my lip to stop myself from saying anything derogatory to her.

She seems to be having big issues. Not exactly a textbook case of good leadership..
I dunno what you can do other than "let it in one ear and out the other" like people here say..

KarenJean81

From what you have writeen about your boss, I'd agree she is not as happy as she says. Since she is only negative about peoples appearances and not their work, and only goes to the office every couple of months, I'd say, bite your tongue and remember that you have chosen to do something about your weight, and thusly your happiness and don't let her bad attitude get you down.

The snippy devil on my other shoulder says cut her off and ask what she thinks of the JOB your doing the next time she says something nasty about your physical acheivements.

iAlly

Yeah it sounds like a defence mechanism some people do that because they can't bear the thought that everyone thinks they are miserable. Or they don't think they could ever do anything about their weight, inside they feel helpless and out of control so they try to put on the happy show to protect themselves from facing what they are scared of. It's the old if you don't try you'll never fail trick.

If it really bothers you then be assertive with her, ask her nicely not to be negative about your weight loss because you can't risk anyone dragging you down and keeping you from your success.

On the other hand maybe understanding her a little will help you to simply ignore her. I'm sure all your colleagues realize what's going on.

Good luck
Ally

leakewh

Slap a disrespectful work environment claim on her.....that should shut her up...she might get pissed, but at least she won't be able to catch you...!!!

Luckymam

Just tell yourself that she is jealous and smile sweetly. I find that when people are rude to me (I work with the public so they are rude on a daily basis!) the best way to counter their attack is to be as utterly polite as possible. It shows them up for the insecure, unhappy, ignorant person that they are.

A friend of mine does this because she is obviously threatened by me. When I was bigger, she would show me up in front of others by referring to me as 'hefty' or saying how much weight I'd put on. I'm having the last laugh now!

People belittle others to make themselves feel better. From a psychological point of view, she's trying to transfer the negative feelings she has about herself on to you. No matter how bad she makes you feel, keep in mind that she will feel worse!

I know it's easier said than done, but rise above it. She's jealous!

jeanineadele

Ask yourself why HER opinion bothers you so much? She is so obviously insecure it is down right sad. She is your superior yet she is lowering herself by trying to convince her team she has value as a person in spite of her out of control appearance. So sad, you are in a better place.

iAlly

A friend of mine does this because she is obviously threatened by me. When I was bigger, she would show me up in front of others by referring to me as 'hefty' or saying how much weight I'd put on. I'm having the last laugh now!

Crikey that's some 'friend' you have!! Are you sure you used the right word there?

clioandboy

if you are like me and you get to the point where you just HAVE to say something, i think it could be something along the lines of " gosh that is so unusual receiving advice against being healthy" or "is it really that noticeable that I am getting in shape, wow that is great thanks" then smile and think up yours bully!

Ms_Natalie

I would say leave well alone...I have found some members of my family to not even mention my weight loss...but that's down to jealousy...I don't let it wind me up...my closest friends and family have congratulated me so often, it makes up for the negative people.

You don't want to risk your job over an issue which has nothing to do with work. She is your boss, and therefore naturally deserves respect. The way she is suggests she has a huge issue with her weight and this is just a coping mechanism. There were times when I told myself that I was happy at nearly 200lbs, but looking back now, I wasn't happy at all.

Plus, when someone says something derogatory to you, the way you can really get their backs up, is by showing that they have not affected you at all...laugh or say "well at least I have an excuse to go on a full on shopping spree now...non of my clothes fit".

This is not weight wars and you should not become involved to as you will belowing yourself to levels of your boss. Enjoy your weight loss and the compliments you get...ignore the negativity :flowerforyou:

3110cynthia

i feel more sorry for her than for you - no offence. She is clearly either sick psychologically or jealous She deserves your pity for being so damned unhappy that she would go around making others feel bad. It's a classic form of transference - put the way you feel onto whomever you're dealing with - people even do it with their pets. She probably calls her cat too thin or too fat or too ugly or whatever she's feeling at the time. Also she will likely become sick and even die before you because she's so morbidly obese - obesity is definitely a disease - as we all know. She's got it too no matter how she supposedly feels on the subject. I'm sooo sure you're fed up and feel disrespected by someone you wish to have respect for you. Having a boss put you down for ANY reason makes one feel horrible and since she does this regularly then it's a shame that all of you have to go thru this all the time - be thankful that she only comes in every so often and not everyday - can you imagine having to deal with that everyday - YUCK.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this but i think it's best to let it slide off your back and be thankful you're not in her shoes. Have a good day tomarrow.

Lithuria

I can't really add much to what people have already said...I'm currently 326 lb's and outwardly a "happy fatty" but inside yeah I guess it burns, no matter how much tell myself and others otherwise so I can appreciate where she's coming from but that in no way excuses her from being derogatory.

I'm not sure exactly what kinds of things she says about your appearence, but you could always start 'running' with her comment so that she's not in the position of power with it anymore and it turns it into a bit of a silly joke, so faor example...

She says your diet is going slowly or isn't working... say yeah the cake fairy keeps coming to visit...
She says you look fat...say yeah I ate well over my calorie limit in carrots last night in a mega binge
She says you look too skinny...say yeah but nothing tastes better than skinny feels
She says you're going to waste away on your diet say...I know, I'm gonna be positively annorexic!

Some of those may not be suitable depending on your relationship with this woman, but you get the idea, banter along with it. While she is making comments like these she is in a a position of power over you and she knows it, she is in the judge's seat, but as soon as you make her comment into a joke it looses it's power and she just looks like a desperate ***** trying fruitlessly to pull you down, and she'll know it too. That should get her off your back

Maggie1960

Thanks for all the positive replies - so farI have had
"Oh Maggie, you don't look at all well, are you okay?" and
"You looked happier when you were bigger" and the one comment that made me want to scream
"You're not taking drugs you've bought off the internet to lose weight have you?" My reply to the last comment (I ignored the two others with a shrug and a smile) was
"I'm a registered nurse, do you seriously think I'd be doing something so ridiculous? I've lost weight in the old-fashioned way, I eat less and exercise more." :explode:
She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

Ms_Natalie

i feel more sorry for her than for you - no offence. She is clearly either sick psychologically or jealous She deserves your pity for being so damned unhappy that she would go around making others feel bad. It's a classic form of transference - put the way you feel onto whomever you're dealing with - people even do it with their pets. She probably calls her cat too thin or too fat or too ugly or whatever she's feeling at the time. Also she will likely become sick and even die before you because she's so morbidly obese - obesity is definitely a disease - as we all know. She's got it too no matter how she supposedly feels on the subject. I'm sooo sure you're fed up and feel disrespected by someone you wish to have respect for you. Having a boss put you down for ANY reason makes one feel horrible and since she does this regularly then it's a shame that all of you have to go thru this all the time - be thankful that she only comes in every so often and not everyday - can you imagine having to deal with that everyday - YUCK.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this but i think it's best to let it slide off your back and be thankful you're not in her shoes. Have a good day tomarrow.

Please be careful with your posts on this website...there are some fantastic people on this site who weight 300 - 600lbs....who are doing an amazing job at becoming healthier. please remember this when posting...although you were trying to help, you could be hindering the journey of someone else.

healthygrl

Yuck, I hate when people are negative. That's no fun to listen to comments like that, I'm sorry.

You could just smile and say, "Hey, I feel better and have more energy than ever!"

And just remember that you're on this journey for yourself, and no one else.

mmtiernan

She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

It is completely inappropriate for a performance review to include anything other than work performance. Especially in today's business climate, I find it difficult to believe that any company would tolerate comments on personal appearance, particularly on a performance review. If this is truly happening, you should consider discussing it with your HR (Human Resources) department. I can tell you that in the U.S., it could be considered discrimination.

possummama

Kill her with kindness, it will be a win win situation

Maggie1960

She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

It is completely inappropriate for a performance review to include anything other than work performance. Especially in today's business climate, I find it difficult to believe that any company would tolerate comments on personal appearance, particularly on a performance review. If this is truly happening, you should consider discussing it with your HR (Human Resources) department. I can tell you that in the U.S., it could be considered discrimination.

I'm not sure what grounds I'd have for discrimination here in the UK but she is definitely guilty of workplace bullying and harassment. If she was making personal comments about my appearance that were related to my ethnicity she would be in serious trouble. And I'm sure if I turned round and said something equally derogatory to her regarding her own appearance there would be hell to pay.
I do actually feel sympathetic towards her, and I wish she would find her way to MFP, and gains some insight into leading a healthier lifestyle.

iAlly

She hasn't said anything personal since then, and I have now asked if my appraisal could be confined to my work productivity rather than personal comments about my appearance.

Well done Maggie! Sometimes you just need to stand up to these people!

mlh612

Great job! I know it is so hard to bite your tongue, but kill her with kindness... And just remember that you are doing this for yourself and it doesn't matter what other people think/say

romping

You only see her once every few months. Slap on a smile and walk forward. The paycheck is the reason you are there.