What is your greatest fear?

smillamaniller

Hello fitness pals,

What is your greatest fear?

So much life and empowerment from you wonderful people, I thank and admire you all. Although I'm happy right now biking, lifting, the occasional sag ( :: slow as* jog, I saw that on here once), almond milk, pumpkin, soy sausage, avocado & peppers- for every few days life feels good, there dawns several days of depression; the law of polarity must ring true for me. And during these times my greatest fear hits reality: not failing an exam, class, job or car accident [all things that have happened] but it's sitting down to rice & butter or whatever without stopping for thousands of calories in a parallel state of mind where the thought of leg pressing 100 pounds and benching 70 seems stupid, where reading, playing guitar and even masterbating sounds pathetic. The awareness is all there, the action is a continuous loop. With every forsaken swallow my mind is still calculating calories, fat, net carbs, was I missing a nutrient yesterday?, things my roommates said the other day, things people said forever ago, I should call my parents back soon, it already hurts, I'm going to feel sick in class, will my jeans feel tight, will I be able to exercise later, can I stop yet?

Yes-I have a history of water fasting, laxative addiction, no-that's no longer my intention. Yes I'm food obsessed to the point where even on a good day if I'm enjoying a particular activity I will explicitly think "this is better than eating." Maybe I do this to prove to my conscious level that my subconscious believes I still have an eating disorder, why else would I eat more than I know I would need to be satisfied & content on a day I wasn't uncomfortable, maybe just to prove that I still could eat that amount of food? But I wouldn't do something I didn't actually want to do, therefore, I must have wanted to manifest the idea. Perhaps that's the very definition of a mental disorder: acting illogically beyond what one would feel as self control from an inner or outer perspective. Antidepressants :: leaning towards nay, the mania is just too good. Group therapy :: December when I wasn't ready for it, mostly fantasized about when I could binge next. Family advice :: talk to someone, quit school, etc..

So if you're still bearing me, with all of my honesty & forgiveness, belief in peace and faith in will, I am convincing my subconscious that I do not have an eating disorder, that I no longer fear binging to paralysis because health is life long not to be determined by any couple hour window no matter how traumatic nor quantity of food consumed, but most importantly in my opinion :: {how} to not allow my brain to be capable of convincing my mind that lifting weights could ever be pathetic to my self.

What is your greatest fear?