Stuck in a sticky situation with a friend...

AnnieRN6

I'm glad that you recognize that he has a very serious problem. It's a big help for the rest of us that we don't have to convince you of that fact.
Just like the alcoholic, he's addicted, and he's obviously creating an addict out of his daughter. Recovering addicts have no problem admitting that there was often one person who dared to say the hard things that made them stop, look honestly at themselves, and change the direction of their lives. It isn't necessary for someone to hit "rock bottom" to start to deal with addictions--they just have to get really really sick and tired of living their lives as addicts.
First off, you need to protect yourself from the behavior that goes along with his addictions. If you don't want to sit around and watch TV and eat and play video games and watch him eat--just like the spouse of an alcoholic doesn't want to watch the alcoholic drink--you don't have to. You can simply and quietly say, "I'm going to go to the library, or take a walk, or call my girlfriend and go feed ducks. I'll see you tomorrow." If he says anything negative about your weight loss, or about your healthy eating, or about your appropriate exercise, you can simply say, "I'm enjoying taking good care of myself." You're entitled to set boundaries.
Now, for the part about him. You have nothing to lose in writing a letter to him telling him of your concerns. Letter-writing takes the emotion and drama out of the picture, and gives him something tangible to re-read. Frame it in terms of, "I care about you, and I'm worried about losing you to early sudden death." No name-calling. (I don't think you would, anyway--you seem pretty sensitive.) No, "I'll only be your friend if you lose weight." But you can frame it in terms of, "I feel upset when I watch you feed your child terribly unhealthy food", and I'm upset when I watch you eat massive amounts of unhealthy food yourself. I want to enjoy a long lifetime of friendship together." You can offer to help him sign up for MFP, or ask if he wants to go walking with you.
I think a lot of this depends on what boundaries of your own he might be expecting you to cross. Does he get mad if you don't participate in the unhealthy behavior? Does he make disparaging remarks about your healthy life changes?
This is hard. Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and keep appropriate boundaries in your own life. If this relationship goes on without his making significant changes, then you can expect just more of the same--but a lot more, because untreated addictions get worse over time, not better. I certainly wouldn't allow this to progress to a romantic relationship until he gets this under control. Uncontrolled addicts love their drug more than they love the people who love them.
I'm a nurse who has worked with a lot of addicts. I hope this is helpful. God bless you --you have a good heart.

mialsya

I think a lot of this depends on what boundaries of your own he might be expecting you to cross. Does he get mad if you don't participate in the unhealthy behavior? Does he make disparaging remarks about your healthy life changes?

I don't think he wants me to cross any of my boundaries. On the contrary, he is very accommodating to me. The first time I went over to his place, he had gone out and bought a case of bottled water knowing that I won't drink sodas. When we have gone out to eat, he lets me choose the places to make sure there is something on the menu I will eat. One of the conversations we had early on was about me doing this. In fact, the day we met for the first time, I had to leave because I had an appointment with my mom at Curves to get our memberships. He knows my goals and why I set them and that my weight loss is about health and not vanity. He is very supportive of me and my goals and has told me on more than one occasion that no matter what I weigh that I am beautiful.

bcattoes

Don't nag. Don't plea. Just be inspiring. Every now and then, maybe once every 6 months. Mention your weightloss and struggles, and offer to help him, if he's interested.

That's all you can do. Every adult gets to make their own choices. I was doing clinicals in the hospital. One patient was about 32 years old, in for recovery from having her lower leg removed from diabetes, in isolation due to infection. So I'm tending to her wearing a mask and protective suit. And she looks at her tray of food with the diet coke with it. Looks up at me, pleading "Can I have a regular coke?"

How do you tell someone "you're here because of all the regular coke you drink, and yet you're asking me to break the doctor's orders to get you a coke." People know that what they're doing is harming them. Be inspiring. Live how you want others to live.

This ^^

Maybe mention how much better you feel as you lose. What a difference making healthy choices have made in your life. But keep the comments about you, unless he makes it about him.

leggup

You need to ask yourself a few questions:

1. Would you still want to date him if you knew with 100% certainty that he will never change any of his habits? Can you be with him knowing what he is doing to his body will not change? If yes, date him right now. Why haven't you dated before now?

2. If no, what would he have to do to be datable? Is just an interest in getting healthy enough? Does he want to, on his own, commit to a healthier life? If no, then you are at question 1 again.

3. If yes, does his success determine whether or not you can have a future together? Will you be disappointed if he fails to lose weight, continues to gain, teaches his daughter bad habits? Will you resent that he can't make positive steps in the right direction?

4. Will you even want him when you're further along in your journey? It's all well and good to want to inspire someone to lead a healthier life, to change him, to make him and his daughters' futures better, but starting out a relationship wanting to change someone rarely goes well, even if it begins with good intentions. How will you feel if he is still on the couch when you come back from a run? Will you even be able to relate to him if he doesn't share the same goals as you?

Think long and hard about these and other related questions. It couldn't hurt to discuss them with him. Not in a "You lose weight or you lose me!" way, but a "I like you, but I am worried about your health and don't want to fall head over heels with someone who has the potential to hurt me." Also, it sounds like the friendzone isn't working. Be with him or don't, but don't hang around if you don't plan on dating him.

easjer

" However, if you love someone, shouldn't you try to do the best you can for them?"

Define best for them.

There's the problem. My mother tried to talk to me about being healthier and losing weight - and all it did was strain our relationship. Her concerns were grounded in health and science and love and care. But it didn't matter to my perception. There is a lot of emotional baggage I carry around mashed up with my weight. It may or may not be the case for him, I don't know. I do know that it hurt like nothing else to have my weight brought up because it felt like I was unlovable. Is that at all what my mother or husband ever said to me? Of course not - they are the two people in the world who love me the most. Is that what I heard anyway? Yep.

Hey, I think it's important to you to tell him that his choices are unhealthy and that it makes you sad. Do that. But then, it has to stop. Nagging gets you nowhere. You can lead by example. You can be brutally honest that your limits include not visiting his family because of their unhealthy behaviors and lack of food for you to eat. You can be very upfront about everything you are doing and why you are choosing that. But you cannot make him do anything.

Watch for openings, encourage with healthy foods you make yourself, invite him to walk with you - those are all positive, healthy things. But you will have to accept that if he changes at all, it will be a very difficult change and one that only he can come to and make.

Ninkyou

I think the most you can really do is set a good example. People don't change unless they want to change and are mentally prepared to make it happen, but sometimes seeing other people make positive life changes can have a ripple effect.

If I were in your situation, developing a relationship with someone I cared about, I would invite him to go for walks or out to do other physical things that allow you to enjoy each other's company. You might also consider inviting him over for a healthy meal that you've prepared or offer to make a healthy dinner for his family so you can all enjoy it together. You don't even need to tell them it's "healthy", but expanding his culinary horizons may spark a change.

This.

Change won't happen unless it comes from himself.
Even if you address your concerns with him, it will most likely backfire. Let's be frank here. Nobody wants to talk about their weight issues.
If someone talks to you about weight before you're ready, it has the exact opposite effect. You know you need to lose weight and get healthy, but when someone brings it up to you, you feel unworthy and like you're nothing. So what do you do? You turn to food for comfort. I'm telling you, it's the exact opposite response than you are hoping for.
That's why the only thing you can do is set the example and hope that it inspires him. If he comes to you to ask for help, great, help him. But until he's ready, it's better to let him be, as hard as that may be.

Kenazwa

It sounds like the two of you are close enough that it's worth having a frank discussion with him. However, everybody is right who says you can't make him change, he has to want it or it won't happen.

Be firm with your own boundaries. If you want a partner in a healthy life-style, that partner is worth waiting for. I married a smoker who has no interest in changing his self-indulgent habits. Early in our relationship, I put that behind me and concentrated on what I did like. Now I wish I had stayed the course for someone who wanted the same things that I did. I love this man, make no mistake, but listening to him cough and choke from years of smoking every morning and evening is really wearing me down, and I think following his lead in eating habits helped to get me where I am now.

But yes - my eating habits are ultimately my own responsibility; I am not blaming him, just acknowledging that eating with him led to eating like him.

Iwishyouwell

I think you'd be better off, and get much further, asking yourself why you, a morbidly obese woman with over 100 lbs left to lose, is becoming intimately involved with an even more obese food addict who is slowly killing himself.

That's like a newly sober alcoholic getting involved with a barely functioning alcoholic and daydreaming of a sober long time life together.

You can not change this man. Drop the fantasy that this 400+ lbs man is super obese because he just doesn't know that the iced honey buns and endless supply of chocolate is making him fat. No matter what he tells you, or implies, trust me, he knows. His whole family knows. They're just addicts, and addicts don't make common sense, rational choices when it comes to their addiction. All the caring in the world will not make a man see the light when his own daughter isn't even enough to do that.

But you can ask yourself why you're willing to settle for pairing up with a man whose life is in the place you claiming you're trying to escape. You've seen his family, you see him, you know the likely outcome here and it's not good. Not to mention the fact that it is TOO easy to find yourself eventually influenced by his eating habits, especially when you have a history of struggling yourself. Why would you even think of making a future life with his man? Answer that question. That'll get you much further and give you a situation you do have control over.

mialsya

I just wanted to follow up with this a little. I was on the phone with him today and when I asked him what he was doing today, he said he had to go into town (a 60 mile round trip) to the pharmacy to pick up more medications. This is a weekly event for him. I replied with a comment that it must be exhausting to manage all of those meds and it was horrible that he had to take so many at his age. He said that he wished that he didn't have to take so many and I saw this as a foot in the door, so to speak. I told him it concerned me that he was on so many medications at his age and that it was possible for him to get healthy enough to not have to take most, if not all, of them if he was motivated enough. He agreed and said he didn't know where to start. I told him that I would help and that what he needed the most was to find his motivation. I could hear his daughter playing in the background, begging him to come outside and play with her and he told her no, that he couldn't. So I asked him why. He said that his knee wouldn't let him (the one he's had surgery on a few times), so I asked him if he wanted to be able to play with her, chasing her in the yard. He said of course. Then I asked him if he wanted to see her start kindergarten, high school, get her license, walk her down the aisle, meet her first child, or did he want her having to take care of him, sitting at his bedside, waiting on him instead, dedicating her life to his care. That's when he genuinely asked for help. I challenged him to do two things: get on here and log his food for a week and call the local gym and make an appointment to meet with their nutritionist and trainer. I told him I would help him every step of the way, but he would have to have his own motivation and keep it close to him because this is not an easy journey. I hope he was actually listening and not just hearing my words. I hope they sank in. We will see.