How to respond - "You're starving yourself!"

Triskeliongirl

I like that last response a lot (offer to both go for a check up), but if you want something simpler, why not either compare your BMIs or send her yours. Just enter your stats in one of theose BMI calculators, and print out the results which I am sure will say you are in the healthy range. From what you are saying, I am guessing hers will not be.

AsaThorsWoman

it it's not A, it's B

THIS! Every time I see my mom I'm either "fat like her" or "skinny."

I'm currently "skinny" at 185lb and a size 16.

Whatever mom.

NextPage

I definitely don't think you should agree to get out the scale and weigh yourself in front of her. This is giving someone else too much control.

Even if you aren't convinced her intentions are good, I would treat her as if her concern was geniune and say something like "I think I'm doing fine and feel well but I hear your concern and will discuss my work out, weight, eating habits etc. with my doctor (or other respected health authority) at my next visit and see if there is something different I should consider". If she asks to go with you remind her that you are an adult. Whatever you do don't point out her bad habits which will just worsen the situation. You may be right but I gather, from your comments, that this isn't about who is right and instead you want to maintain a mother/daughter relationship and your sanity at the same time! I know this isn't always a breeze and wish you well.

echofm1

I would suggest doing the research with your mom, so that she can see that you've looked into this and are doing it well. Show her on a BMI chart what a healthy range is supposed to be for your body. Give her assurance that if you ever go below what is supposed to be a healthy weight, she's more than welcome to be concerned.

Part of it too is probably that she doesn't realize how much is enough food. I have one friend who always asks "Is that really enough for you?" since I started losing weight. I'm still eating more than she is, but she expects it to take a lot more food to feed me than it really does.

I'm curious though as to why you seem resistant to letting her see the number on the scale, since you've already told her your weight? I get that it can be frustrating that she doesn't trust you, but if you want to get her to calm down, that seems to be the best way. Then invite her to join MFP when she sees you're not lying.

andreyadonna

If you let her see you on that scale, She's going to believe she has a right to demand that again later. That is the beginning of an unhealthy cycle.
Try this, it's a customer service technique. First, affirm and confirm "I can see why you are worried about me, I have lost a lot of weight and I understand that you are worried about me going to far and making myself sick."
Then Compromise and offer options, "I feel like our relationship is being weighed(heh) down by all these discussions about my weight. I'd like to let you know I'm healthy and get to spend time with you without it being constantly about my weight. Here is what I feel like I can do to help alleviate the stress on our relationship. How about I start tracking my weight in a diary and you can see it once a month to check on my weight? Or I can go see a doctor and have him give me a written definition of a healthy weight and what my weight actually is right now so we know I'm in a healthy place?"
Then whatever she says, repeat it back to her. "Okay, so we decided that I'm going to go see a doctor and have him look to see if I'm at a healthy weight. If he says I need to change something he'll write it all out and I'll bring it back and we can look at it together. Will that resolve the stress?"
When she says yes always end with a pleasant. "I'm so glad we could talk like this. I really enjoy being able to talk to you about my health and then move on to better topics."

I can tell you that 10+ years of customer service experience has taught me that this formula almost never fails. If it does fail it's because she doesn't actually want a resolution. If that's the case you may not have a choice but to shut down the topic entirely.

4legsRbetterthan2

"mom, you have raised a very intelligent and sensible daughter, I have done the necessary research and am completely confident in my plan" - sorta a compliment for the both of you and also states that you know what you are doing and she needs to buzz off a bit, hopefully that helps?

ETA: Don't show her the scale or give her more details about your plan, she needs to learn some boundaries, she has stated her concern but you are now and adult whom makes her own decisions

deksgrl

My best friend said I may as well bite the bullet and let her see me on the scale, and that's the only way that portion of it all will end. Opinions?

No. It is none of her business, and it won't solve the problem, and it doesn't reinforce the fact that you are an adult.

MagnumBurrito

OP, honestly, do you look too skinny?

If you don't have 10-15 lbs of muscle, and you're down below 20% body fat, to a lot of people you may look too skinny.

I got down to 150 lbs, at 6'3", and 10% BF levels. I didn't have enough muscle, and people asked if I was on the crack diet. They told me to eat something, and they said I was too skinny. Looking back, they were right. I needed to add some muscle. Maybe you do too.

4flamingoz

And "Oooh, you've lost TOO MUCH weight!"

Besides "ignore the haters", what other ways can one deal with this in a civil manner? What (appropriate) responses are useful and effective?

The worst about this is actually my own mother (we won't get into THAT relationship), who accuses me all the time of starving myself and not eating. It does no use to tell her I am (heaven forbid she doesn't watch me eat three meals a day) and that I'm just making good decisions and eating appropriate portions. When I do this, she scoffs and rolls her eyes. A co-worker of my mother tells me, in a very concerned voice, every time she sees me that I have lost too much weight and need to stop. Most recently, my mom told me I was starving myself, asked how much I currently weigh (told her), didn't believe me, and told me she wanted to see how much the scale actually said. Within days she commented again that I was starving myself and that I STILL hadn't let her see on the scale what I weigh, as if I had something to hide.

They both are overweight and eat unhealthily, which I wish would change however I can't make that change for them. My mother constantly does quick diets and is one of those people who sheds weight easily, then gets back into her bad habits and gains it all back. I have had several people tell me that they (about my mother specifically) are most likely jealous of my success in losing weight and becoming healthy, but that doesn't help me respond to these rude things. It is hurtful, as silly as that may seem, and belittles all the physical, mental, and personal successes I have worked so hard to achieve.

Any constructive advice is very much appreciated.

I hear you-recently people have been saying the same thing to me. I just laugh and say you're used to me being a Fatty McFat Fat, and now I'm at the weight I was 6 years ago. Everyone asks me how I've done it, and I just say portion control-I've done it by the Fast Diet, and THAT would put them over the edge. But, I feel great and eat well and that's all that matters. Rock on and pay no mind the naysayers.

knicholeg

I love how I'm totally getting work done today.

Over the last year I have gained quite a bit of muscle, which is probably why I honestly weigh more. I boulder (climb) usually 4 days a week (these guns? Come on... nice), and have taken up road cycling recently because I recognize that I need some cardio. My mom made mention at Christmas how muscley my thighs were and poked them through my jeans. That was actually a form of compliment.

Re: validation and letting her see the scale, I don't necessarily feel like I NEED to. Just like if I were to tell her "no" that I didn't want to do something, I shouldn't have to explain myself in depth.

Re: getting a doctor's note to give to her, wouldn't that be the same as letting her see the scale? It might invite her to consistently want updates and notes from the doctor. (Just my thoughts and wanting yours, I'm not trying to make excuses.)

Re: looking too skinny... maybe? I'm not sure. I know my face is much smaller than it was (I mean... look at my profile picture). I always have had dark circles under my eyes ever since I was little, so I could perhaps come across as gaunt? However my mom does often see me in my work out clothes and can see my entire body. As for others making comments about my body, they don't often get to see everything in... spandex or whatever.

beautifuldiskize

I too have this issue. Not so much with my mom, but with my friends. So, I always just say, "I have done extensive research for the past 2 years on fitness and I know what is or isn't healthy for me." And it seems to shut them up.

Good luck!

SezxyStef

I love how I'm totally getting work done today.

Over the last year I have gained quite a bit of muscle, which is probably why I honestly weigh more. I boulder (climb) usually 4 days a week (these guns? Come on... nice), and have taken up road cycling recently because I recognize that I need some cardio. My mom made mention at Christmas how muscley my thighs were and poked them through my jeans. That was actually a form of compliment.

Re: validation and letting her see the scale, I don't necessarily feel like I NEED to. Just like if I were to tell her "no" that I didn't want to do something, I shouldn't have to explain myself in depth.

Re: getting a doctor's note to give to her, wouldn't that be the same as letting her see the scale? It might invite her to consistently want updates and notes from the doctor. (Just my thoughts and wanting yours, I'm not trying to make excuses.)

Re: looking too skinny... maybe? I'm not sure. I know my face is much smaller than it was (I mean... look at my profile picture). I always have had dark circles under my eyes ever since I was little, so I could perhaps come across as gaunt? However my mom does often see me in my work out clothes and can see my entire body. As for others making comments about my body, they don't often get to see everything in... spandex or whatever.

for me the doctors note is a one time thing and you tell her you did it to ensure her concerns were alleviated through proper channels and that you took them seriously and did it to make sure you were healthy....I mean it's a doctor right is she going to disagree with a doctor??? wait...my mom would but that's a whole other topic...:bigsmile:

motivatedmartha

To clarify, I've not just fixed my eating to lose weight, I work out, too.

There are a plethora of issues with our relationship, but it could be perhaps that she doesn't feel needed. However I lived in a completely different state from her for six or seven years and only saw her on holidays anyway. Now that we see each other often, she constantly wants to eat out - which I hate, and never wants to do anything. She has a busy work-week, and I understand that she is tired, however she does not cook, and will often skip meals herself. It's a vicious cycle.

My best friend said I may as well bite the bullet and let her see me on the scale, and that's the only way that portion of it all will end. Opinions?

tabbyblack13

You can tell her that you are talking to a dr about everything that you are doing, even if you're not.

Also try burping really loudly in her face. :bigsmile: That tends to jar them out of their train of thougth.

motivatedmartha

I think to have to weigh yourself in front of someone is actually an infringement of your privacy - no way would I ask my children (since about 15 years old) to do that. If I was concerned that they looked a bit peaky I would suggest they went to the docs.

The_1_Who_Knocks

I've been getting the "it's time to stop losing weight" comments since I reached 210 pounds, which is ridiculous.

I just laugh them off and tell them I'll stop losing weight when every ounce of my belly fat is gone.

I'm 184 now and the answer is still the same. Not all that much left though.

tattsb4u

Could you possibly show her your MFP tracker....show her the types of foods you are eating so she gets off your back a bit? I actually downloaded the app for my mom to check out. Now she has a better idea about portion control and the calorie content in foods....Also, I saw you mentioned onion dip.....I just discovered Oikos Fat Free Greek Yogurt Onion Dip this past weekend.....its so good! 25 calories for 2 tablespoons...I actually used it in my chicken salad this past weekend instead of mayo

The_1_Who_Knocks

You know what else you could do? Just turn the whole thing around on her.

Explain to her that obesity is the biggest health epidemic in the US, and you are very concerned that she is eating herself into an early grave.

Yeah...that will work....that will improve your relationship with Ma.

knicholeg

Also, I saw you mentioned onion dip.....I just discovered Oikos Fat Free Greek Yogurt Onion Dip this past weekend.....its so good! 25 calories for 2 tablespoons.

Thanks, enabler.

Kidding, kidding

ktsmom430

Maybe you could tell her something like this, "Thanks Mom for your concern. I am an adult and am doing what I feel is right for me. I appreciate your advice, and respect your opinions, but I am doing this the right way, through good nutrition and exercise."
It is very difficult being a parent, and we worry a lot, even about our adult children. There may be a tiny bit on envy on your mothers part for your success, but probably mostly concern.